My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

That’s good new for you! Must be night and day.

A woman with an AdHD father wrote in once about what a fantastic husband she has doing all sorts of things proactively w her kids, her, the house. It made her sad to realize she missed out in all of this for 18 years since her father was so different due to his ADHD.

[Anonymous]

OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never really easy to know how a person will actually behave once you have kids together. Some of these problems don't rear their heads until the kids come. I am sorry OP, but think of this: step father likely no better. If you leave, it should only be for your own social situation, do not for one minute think your kids' lives will be enhanced.

why are you bringing up potential step-fathers into this?
You mean space cadet will remarry? Or you will remarry a terrible man?
Trust me, after ADHD spouse, getting remarried in order to take care of an adult man is the farther desire.

Remarried 10 yrs after divorcing ADHD XH. Amazing difference having a true partner in life and not a man-child.

This, this this. Have the faith and confidence that not only will you survive, you will thrive, when out from this burden. New Man or not, life can and will be better.

That or he needs' treatment - a combo of meds + therapy. That works have the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Remarried 10 yrs after divorcing ADHD XH. Amazing difference having a true partner in life and not a man-child.

This, this this. Have the faith and confidence that not only will you survive, you will thrive, when out from this burden. New Man or not, life can and will be better.

That or he needs' treatment - a combo of meds + therapy. That works have the time.

I doubt this many husbands have ADHD. You all just married dumb and you should try to take a step back and figure out why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

Some people have suggested that this is why men often don’t make good stay at home fathers. Women seem to be more fastidious and “keep House” better. Working women find that they have to come home and redo everything. I am a highly educated professional woman who earns in the high 400s and I still believe in more traditional roles. I have seen too many frazzled professional women get short changed when their partners don’t contribute in a productive way.

[Anonymous]

BTW OP, there doesn’t always have to be a label such as ADHD to describe your husband’s incompetence. He might be simple. Even the doctors might give him such a label because they feel sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

OP consider assigning specific repetitive tasks. Be specific about how you want this tasks done and in what schedule. Like the trash, taking the cars in, calling the folks to do the gutters,and cleaning the kitchen at night. Go over the kitchen several times like he is your employee. Make sure it is all done well, even getting him out of bed to fix it. If he fights you, gently remind him that counseling might not be enough....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

This is often seen in students with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW OP, there doesn’t always have to be a label such as ADHD to describe your husband’s incompetence. He might be simple. Even the doctors might give him such a label because they feel sorry for him.

Simple is not a medical label.

If he had a low IQ (79/80), OP would know. My sister has a low IQ (83). She is sweet, funny, and engaging. But she is obviously slow at learning and analyzing. She is incredibly clean and organized though because repetitive tasks are a strength.

It’s the difference between a tiny penlight burning steadily and a regular light bulb flickering in and out (ADHD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the man a favor and let him go. He will blossom once he has his freedom back and does not have to endure your taunting ridicule. Set him free!!!

So true

He needs a simpleton life. He simply cannot handle a life with a job, a wife, 1 or 2 kids, a house, two cars, two sets of parents, bills, 4 people's schedules, school, nanny, wife's job, exercise, TV time, etc.

He needs job, TV, go on dates to find someone to coddle him. That's it. He can Disney Dad it a couple days a week as well. He should be able to focus and compartmentalize that 2 days a week like a switch. In real life there is not a Family On/Off switch, but for an ADD divorced guy, it could be the perfect solutoin.

I hate to agree with you, but this is my XH’s current situation. During our marriage and for years after the divorce, he blamed me for every problem in his life. When I remarried and somehow miraculously, my new husband’s life didn’t implode, XH quickly married again himself. That union lasted less than a year. Now, he’s got an OOS boo that he visits EOW and the kiddo he sees the other weekends and once during the week. The rest of the time, he lives like s single guy. He’s fat. His house is dirty. And he had utilities shut off for nonpayment as well as thousands of dollars in repairs for things he neglected. But he’s happy.

To the ADHD adult male, happiness is never having to say “I’m sorry”.

[Anonymous]

Why do these men line up to take on family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s good new for you! Must be night and day.

A woman with an AdHD father wrote in once about what a fantastic husband she has doing all sorts of things proactively w her kids, her, the house. It made her sad to realize she missed out in all of this for 18 years since her father was so different due to his ADHD.

NP. Wow, I really hope my own kids will be able to say this someday.

What I find most frustrating about living with a man-child with untreated ADHD is the utter lack of.proactiveness. He is always either passive or in a state of reaction, usually the panicky hamster-wheel kind that comes from procrastination and missing important deadlines.

Neither is a good look. Both make me lose respect for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP consider assigning specific repetitive tasks. Be specific about how you want this tasks done and in what schedule. Like the trash, taking the cars in, calling the folks to do the gutters,and cleaning the kitchen at night. Go over the kitchen several times like he is your employee. Make sure it is all done well, even getting him out of bed to fix it. If he fights you, gently remind him that counseling might not be enough....

This will only anger an ADHD'er and he will start rebelling and verbally attacking you. He feels this gets him off the hook, but it never resolved the actual issue. Those issues just pile up and pile up.