Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

What I find fascinating about OP is that she is upset that her brother was lying to her all these years about his sexual orientation because she thought they were "close" but now that he has told her the truth, she is rejecting him.

Uh, OP, why do you think your brother was lying to you for all these years? It appears that he lied to you because he knew how you would react. The reality is that you're not a trustworthy person and people close to you know that they can't trust you with the truth. That's on you, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I find fascinating about OP is that she is upset that her brother was lying to her all these years about his sexual orientation because she thought they were "close" but now that he has told her the truth, she is rejecting him.

Uh, OP, why do you think your brother was lying to you for all these years? It appears that he lied to you because he knew how you would react. The reality is that you're not a trustworthy person and people close to you know that they can't trust you with the truth. That's on you, not him.

This kind of logic is what makes people think homosexuals are personality disordered.

There is always a reason to lie. That doesn't justify lying. What OP's brother did to his ex is disgusting and the heartbreak he is feeling now is his karma.

And saying OP is not trustworthy because she does not accept his homosexuality? Please. You live your life as you please and take the consequences as they come. That is adulthood. There is no right to others' acceptance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I find fascinating about OP is that she is upset that her brother was lying to her all these years about his sexual orientation because she thought they were "close" but now that he has told her the truth, she is rejecting him.

Uh, OP, why do you think your brother was lying to you for all these years? It appears that he lied to you because he knew how you would react. The reality is that you're not a trustworthy person and people close to you know that they can't trust you with the truth. That's on you, not him.

This kind of logic is what makes people think homosexuals are personality disordered.

There is always a reason to lie. That doesn't justify lying. What OP's brother did to his ex is disgusting and the heartbreak he is feeling now is his karma.

And saying OP is not trustworthy because she does not accept his homosexuality? Please. You live your life as you please and take the consequences as they come. That is adulthood. There is no right to others' acceptance.

Oh please. What OP's brother did to his ex is awful but OP seems more concerned that they are no longer 'the dynamic duo', she finds gay sex yucky, and she doesn't know what to tell her sons because her sons are not 'allowed' to be gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I find fascinating about OP is that she is upset that her brother was lying to her all these years about his sexual orientation because she thought they were "close" but now that he has told her the truth, she is rejecting him.

Uh, OP, why do you think your brother was lying to you for all these years? It appears that he lied to you because he knew how you would react. The reality is that you're not a trustworthy person and people close to you know that they can't trust you with the truth. That's on you, not him.

This kind of logic is what makes people think homosexuals are personality disordered.

There is always a reason to lie. That doesn't justify lying. What OP's brother did to his ex is disgusting and the heartbreak he is feeling now is his karma.

And saying OP is not trustworthy because she does not accept his homosexuality? Please. You live your life as you please and take the consequences as they come. That is adulthood. There is no right to others' acceptance.

Yes, she's not trustworthy. She rejected him for who he really is. Of course, no one has a "right" to others' acceptance. But she doesn't have a right to feel betrayed when she clearly couldn't be trusted with the truth. She is reaping what she sowed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have two choices. Hurt your brother terribly and lose him forever, or get over your expectations for him and be supportive of the REAL him and his new relationship. My advice is to apologize, tell him you needed some time to process but are ready to support him and happy that he opened up to you, and treat him and his bf exactly how you would treat them if they were straight. And start now!

[Anonymous]

First of all, he had an ex-GIRLFRIEND. OP admits he kept the girlfriend at arm's length for years. There are no children from their union. It sounds to me like he was having a very difficult time coming out but he tried to keep from hurting his girlfriend further by marrying her and with the family he was born into, one can see he must have been under some pressure to do so. It must have broken your brother's heart in a million pieces to see your reaction, OP. He will never trust you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I find fascinating about OP is that she is upset that her brother was lying to her all these years about his sexual orientation because she thought they were "close" but now that he has told her the truth, she is rejecting him.

Uh, OP, why do you think your brother was lying to you for all these years? It appears that he lied to you because he knew how you would react. The reality is that you're not a trustworthy person and people close to you know that they can't trust you with the truth. That's on you, not him.

This kind of logic is what makes people think homosexuals are personality disordered.

There is always a reason to lie. That doesn't justify lying. What OP's brother did to his ex is disgusting and the heartbreak he is feeling now is his karma.

And saying OP is not trustworthy because she does not accept his homosexuality? Please. You live your life as you please and take the consequences as they come. That is adulthood. There is no right to others' acceptance.

+1

[Anonymous]

One the reason LGBT people have a higher rate of suicide and depression is because of family rejection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP. I don't care how many degrees you have. You are actually lying if you say it is not a verifiable fact that homosexual patients have higher rates of STDs (including drug resistant forms), intestinal parasites, and even some forms of cancer (if you need me to explain which types of cancer, then you are not up on your literature and should not be having this conversation). I have been a doctor for 19 years in 4 states and two countries. The phenomena I describe are true both domestically and internationally. In short, OP is right from a medical standpoint. Not justifying homophobia. It just is what it is.

This. You can all pick your political stances, but not your medical facts. Messing around with the colon is not good for your health however much gays want it to be.

Not all gay men are bottoms. Not all gay men have anal sex regulary. Taking your experiences dealing with sick people and projecting it on to an entire group is stupid and dangerously biased.

[Anonymous]

NP. I've only read the first and the last couple of pages.

OP, there's nothing anyone can say to you to change your feelings. Even though your brother won't like those feelings, they do matter - to you, to him, to your relationship. He took a risk and told you something he knew you wouldn't like. I'm not going to say you owe him an apology (who wants a disingenuous apology?), but if you care about him you at least owe him the honesty of your feelings. Silence is cruel. Tell him everything you said in the original post and he'll understand in his own that it's not the time for you to meet his significant other.

Maybe you'll accept him at some point in the future, maybe not. But at least you can put a period on the closeness you shared in the past, or make it a comma and continue being the dynamic duo you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, he had an ex-GIRLFRIEND. OP admits he kept the girlfriend at arm's length for years. There are no children from their union. It sounds to me like he was having a very difficult time coming out but he tried to keep from hurting his girlfriend further by marrying her and with the family he was born into, one can see he must have been under some pressure to do so. It must have broken your brother's heart in a million pieces to see your reaction, OP. He will never trust you again.

OP you clearly came to the wrong place if you were thinking you'd get thoughtful advice here on this topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, he had an ex-GIRLFRIEND. OP admits he kept the girlfriend at arm's length for years. There are no children from their union. It sounds to me like he was having a very difficult time coming out but he tried to keep from hurting his girlfriend further by marrying her and with the family he was born into, one can see he must have been under some pressure to do so. It must have broken your brother's heart in a million pieces to see your reaction, OP. He will never trust you again.

OP you clearly came to the wrong place if you were thinking you'd get thoughtful advice here on this topic.

There are pages and pages of thoughtful advice. OP is a self-centered and self-absorbed homophobe who doesn't want to hear any of it, though.

[Anonymous]

OP, I only read the beginning and this last page so I hope I am not rehashing but I want to tell you I understand.

I would never wish my kids or siblings to be gay. I would not wish they marry someone of a different race either. Why? Because it's harder. That said, I married someone of a different race and had children. It hurts me when I see my children suffer because of their race (and they do-- I have seen everyone from police to doctors treat them differently). But I can't regret who I fell in love with and I can't regret my kids. Racist/ homophobic people just stink. So, in the same way, I wish my kids would find prince/ princess charming (filthy rich, healthy, genius smart, who is wonderful to them) and go on and have the perfect life. But if they bring home someone poor, disabled, of the same gender, of a different race, I will judge them only on how well they treat my kid and how good a person they are. We each make a life in this world and having someone kind, loving and good by your side is worth overcoming the challenges.

Last year, I had the same conversation you had with your brother with my cousin. I was the only relative outside his immediate family he told. He is divorced and I thought he didn't have a significant other. I asked him if he has someone-- 'yes' was the answer. 'Are you happy?' I asked. "Yes," he said. "Then I'm happy," I answered. And I mean it. I did eventually ask him about his ex, with whom I know he is still friends. He said he did feel a desire for her when they were together but she had some issues (drug issues) and the desire just slowly went away. He also told me he knows it's a sin and his family is very upset about that. I almost choked and I'm a Christian! His brothers has cheated on their wives and had more than one marriage. His mom never worked, even when they were dirt poor, but she had her hair done, nails done, and was always on the prowl for the next guy. And these are the people who judge him? I told him I don't know what is and what is not a sin. I am well aware of what the Bible says but I also realize we may be interpreting it wrong and I also know I have sinned and I cannot judge. It is between him and God. For goodness' sake, he is a grown man, who raised his kid on his own (he had primary custody), works and is in a consensual, monogamous, happy relationship. And did I mention he has a heart of gold? He has a right to share his life with whoever he wants. I wish life were easier for all of us but , most of all, I know we are all way to short on love, generosity and patience with each other. I understand you may be in mourning for some dream of the brother you thought you had but this really isn't about you. Be happy he is happy. Be thankful he trusted you. Be a grown up. And as far as your kids? I don't know that you have to explain anything unless they ask and kids aren't very likely to ask. When your brother comes over with his bf, just introduce him to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, he had an ex-GIRLFRIEND. OP admits he kept the girlfriend at arm's length for years. There are no children from their union. It sounds to me like he was having a very difficult time coming out but he tried to keep from hurting his girlfriend further by marrying her and with the family he was born into, one can see he must have been under some pressure to do so. It must have broken your brother's heart in a million pieces to see your reaction, OP. He will never trust you again.

OP you clearly came to the wrong place if you were thinking you'd get thoughtful advice here on this topic.

There are pages and pages of thoughtful advice. OP is a self-centered and self-absorbed homophobe who doesn't want to hear any of it, though.

+1. If you want to commiserate with other homophobes go to a wacko religious right site or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I only read the beginning and this last page so I hope I am not rehashing but I want to tell you I understand.

I would never wish my kids or siblings to be gay. I would not wish they marry someone of a different race either. Why? Because it's harder. That said, I married someone of a different race and had children. It hurts me when I see my children suffer because of their race (and they do-- I have seen everyone from police to doctors treat them differently). But I can't regret who I fell in love with and I can't regret my kids. Racist/ homophobic people just stink. So, in the same way, I wish my kids would find prince/ princess charming (filthy rich, healthy, genius smart, who is wonderful to them) and go on and have the perfect life. But if they bring home someone poor, disabled, of the same gender, of a different race, I will judge them only on how well they treat my kid and how good a person they are. We each make a life in this world and having someone kind, loving and good by your side is worth overcoming the challenges.

Last year, I had the same conversation you had with your brother with my cousin. I was the only relative outside his immediate family he told. He is divorced and I thought he didn't have a significant other. I asked him if he has someone-- 'yes' was the answer. 'Are you happy?' I asked. "Yes," he said. "Then I'm happy," I answered. And I mean it. I did eventually ask him about his ex, with whom I know he is still friends. He said he did feel a desire for her when they were together but she had some issues (drug issues) and the desire just slowly went away. He also told me he knows it's a sin and his family is very upset about that. I almost choked and I'm a Christian! His brothers has cheated on their wives and had more than one marriage. His mom never worked, even when they were dirt poor, but she had her hair done, nails done, and was always on the prowl for the next guy. And these are the people who judge him? I told him I don't know what is and what is not a sin. I am well aware of what the Bible says but I also realize we may be interpreting it wrong and I also know I have sinned and I cannot judge. It is between him and God. For goodness' sake, he is a grown man, who raised his kid on his own (he had primary custody), works and is in a consensual, monogamous, happy relationship. And did I mention he has a heart of gold? He has a right to share his life with whoever he wants. I wish life were easier for all of us but , most of all, I know we are all way too short on love, generosity and patience with each other. I understand you may be in mourning for some dream of the brother you thought you had but this really isn't about you. Be happy he is happy. Be thankful he trusted you. Be a grown up. And as far as your kids? I don't know that you have to explain anything unless they ask and kids aren't very likely to ask. When your brother comes over with his bf, just introduce him to the kids.

This. Focus on this.