What is it like to be a family at an elite NWDC Private who can just barely afford it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best districts where I live have very high levels of wealth at the public schools too. It is normal to see BMWs, Mercedes, Range Rovers for 16 yr olds. People move there for the schools -is that child cruelty if the parents are wealthy too? There isn't a huge difference in the level of wealth between between the public schools and private schools in some areas.

Exactly! I know many people who did this exact same thing and are house poor. Instead of paying $40K in tuition they are paying $5000 a month in mortgage, sending to kids to public school and there are no fancy vacations or fancy cars for them even though their neighbors have them. How is one sacrifice bigger than the other? It's really just all about personal choice. Personally, I don't trust the public school system. But that's my own bias based on my experience having gone to public school. I would rather my children be at a school where I have a bit more say so and choice. At the public school you deal with what you get. You don't like it, good luck changing it. And I'm not saying that couldn't occur at a private school, but when you pay tuition you have a bit more buy-in in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to do this to yourself?

+1 sounds like child cruelty. Is the education really worth damaging a child's feeling of self worth?
Not sure if pretending it makes children strong and resilient Would be worth it to me.

Thanks for the morning laugh. I'm reading it as sarcasm cuz it's hilarious, PP.

"Child cruelty"? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to do this to yourself?

+1 sounds like child cruelty. Is the education really worth damaging a child's feeling of self worth?
Not sure if pretending it makes children strong and resilient Would be worth it to me.

I didn't mean it this way. I meant that unless your child had special needs of some kind, why would you condemn yourself to 12 years of incredibly high-priced education you can just barely afford? Surely you have something better to do with that nearly $40K per year over the next 12 years.

The issue is your choice of words. Condem? It's far from that. No I can't think of anything better to spend it on. The one thing no one can ever take from you is your education. Being educated is priceless. Does it require $40K a year? Maybe not, but what else is really worth $40K either? I can't think of anything else...

But you don't have to spend that $40,000 a year, PP. You can save and invest it. If you can truly barely afford it, in my mind you are condemning yourself to 12 years of anxiety about finances.

Sure, education is worth a lot. But how do you really know that $40,000 a year school will give your kid a better education? Maybe I'm biased because I know kids who've gone to top DC private schools who went to pretty average colleges. If they were so much better educated than their public school peers, it seems like they would have gone elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to do this to yourself?

+1 sounds like child cruelty. Is the education really worth damaging a child's feeling of self worth?
Not sure if pretending it makes children strong and resilient Would be worth it to me.

Thanks for the morning laugh. I'm reading it as sarcasm cuz it's hilarious, PP.

"Child cruelty"? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Yes, child cruelty. If you put a kid of the lower middle class in an elitist environment and expect him to wear hand me downs with pride, that's cruel. If you are poor I would say go for it, there is no room for pretending. You want to better your life and this could be your golden opportunity. For kids with middle class backgrounds I know many cases where the kids took it the hard way.

It's like going to a Goldman interview with a suit from Kohl's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the point about how the kids feel. We are solidly middle class and DC goes to Sidwell and is now a Sr. DC and I have talked about not having the money of others many times, and it is really not has never been a problem. DC has been included in lavish parties in Georgetown and to simple backyard picnics with smores. DC's friends are in all different economic brackets. My US the kids form groups of friends based on shared interests and personalities. I really don't see money as a big factor day to day, and the parents I have gotten to know don't seem to care either. I know people on this forum sneer at the idea at Quaker values at Sidwell but they really do exist, at least in the US. If a kid bragged about fancy vacations or owning an expensive cars, they wouldn't many friends. Of course the rich kids have these things but in my experience they downplay it.

TBH I think that's they way you see things as the adult.

But I don't even need to bet that your kid sees things differently and feels differently about it. If you have a nice kid, they aren't likely to tell you though because they don't want you as the parent to feel bad. I posted upthread, my kid is younger, but yes, money and wealth is a factor of everyday conversations and it's not in a showy way usually but it's just in the everyday way. For example, right now my DD's friends kids are all talking about the upcoming summer camps they will attend this summer. None have said my child is too poor to attend, they just don't even know that that could be an issue because in their world "we can't afford it" is never an issue. My child knows why she can't go , keeps quiet and feels bad about it. She knows the reason is we can't afford it. It's this kind of thing over and over that can really bother some kids.

This thread is so funny! All these parents have forgotten what school is really like: cliques, shoes, vacations, the biggest house, the rating systems, cool kids, dorks. its kumbaya time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people don't equate wealth with self-worth.

We are talking about children and young adults whose brains are still growing.
I would assume that most adults have completed that lesson but I also know poor souls who haven't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the point about how the kids feel. We are solidly middle class and DC goes to Sidwell and is now a Sr. DC and I have talked about not having the money of others many times, and it is really not has never been a problem. DC has been included in lavish parties in Georgetown and to simple backyard picnics with smores. DC's friends are in all different economic brackets. My US the kids form groups of friends based on shared interests and personalities. I really don't see money as a big factor day to day, and the parents I have gotten to know don't seem to care either. I know people on this forum sneer at the idea at Quaker values at Sidwell but they really do exist, at least in the US. If a kid bragged about fancy vacations or owning an expensive cars, they wouldn't many friends. Of course the rich kids have these things but in my experience they downplay it.

TBH I think that's they way you see things as the adult.

But I don't even need to bet that your kid sees things differently and feels differently about it. If you have a nice kid, they aren't likely to tell you though because they don't want you as the parent to feel bad. I posted upthread, my kid is younger, but yes, money and wealth is a factor of everyday conversations and it's not in a showy way usually but it's just in the everyday way. For example, right now my DD's friends kids are all talking about the upcoming summer camps they will attend this summer. None have said my child is too poor to attend, they just don't even know that that could be an issue because in their world "we can't afford it" is never an issue. My child knows why she can't go , keeps quiet and feels bad about it. She knows the reason is we can't afford it. It's this kind of thing over and over that can really bother some kids.

This thread is so funny! All these parents have forgotten what school is really like: cliques, shoes, vacations, the biggest house, the rating systems, cool kids, dorks. its kumbaya time!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people don't equate wealth with self-worth.

We are talking about children and young adults whose brains are still growing.
I would assume that most adults have completed that lesson but I also know poor souls who haven't.

And I view it as the opposite. By the time you're an adult, you've learned to measure people by wealth. Youth measure using other factors, like shared interests. As adults, status is beaded on materialism. We don't seek out opportunities to affiliate broadly after college, finding our social niche and remaining there with our worldview fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the point about how the kids feel. We are solidly middle class and DC goes to Sidwell and is now a Sr. DC and I have talked about not having the money of others many times, and it is really not has never been a problem. DC has been included in lavish parties in Georgetown and to simple backyard picnics with smores. DC's friends are in all different economic brackets. My US the kids form groups of friends based on shared interests and personalities. I really don't see money as a big factor day to day, and the parents I have gotten to know don't seem to care either. I know people on this forum sneer at the idea at Quaker values at Sidwell but they really do exist, at least in the US. If a kid bragged about fancy vacations or owning an expensive cars, they wouldn't many friends. Of course the rich kids have these things but in my experience they downplay it.

TBH I think that's they way you see things as the adult.

But I don't even need to bet that your kid sees things differently and feels differently about it. If you have a nice kid, they aren't likely to tell you though because they don't want you as the parent to feel bad. I posted upthread, my kid is younger, but yes, money and wealth is a factor of everyday conversations and it's not in a showy way usually but it's just in the everyday way. For example, right now my DD's friends kids are all talking about the upcoming summer camps they will attend this summer. None have said my child is too poor to attend, they just don't even know that that could be an issue because in their world "we can't afford it" is never an issue. My child knows why she can't go , keeps quiet and feels bad about it. She knows the reason is we can't afford it. It's this kind of thing over and over that can really bother some kids.

This thread is so funny! All these parents have forgotten what school is really like: cliques, shoes, vacations, the biggest house, the rating systems, cool kids, dorks. its kumbaya time!

I think it's interesting that those of us in this thread who actually were the poor or middle class kid (which would be poor in NWDC) in a private school would not chose to do that to our kids.
I was one of those kids. I had Ivy-league educated parents who provided us with a strong sense of self-worth and lots of creative vacations and opportunities for fun. But it still sucked to be
one of the have-nots. It.was.hard.
But whatever! On with your kumbaya selves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to do this to yourself?

+1 sounds like child cruelty. Is the education really worth damaging a child's feeling of self worth?
Not sure if pretending it makes children strong and resilient Would be worth it to me.

Thanks for the morning laugh. I'm reading it as sarcasm cuz it's hilarious, PP.

"Child cruelty"? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Yes, child cruelty. If you put a kid of the lower middle class in an elitist environment and expect him to wear hand me downs with pride, that's cruel. If you are poor I would say go for it, there is no room for pretending. You want to better your life and this could be your golden opportunity. For kids with middle class backgrounds I know many cases where the kids took it the hard way.

It's like going to a Goldman interview with a suit from Kohl's.

Your are a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to do this to yourself?

+1 sounds like child cruelty. Is the education really worth damaging a child's feeling of self worth?
Not sure if pretending it makes children strong and resilient Would be worth it to me.

I didn't mean it this way. I meant that unless your child had special needs of some kind, why would you condemn yourself to 12 years of incredibly high-priced education you can just barely afford? Surely you have something better to do with that nearly $40K per year over the next 12 years.

The issue is your choice of words. Condem? It's far from that. No I can't think of anything better to spend it on. The one thing no one can ever take from you is your education. Being educated is priceless. Does it require $40K a year? Maybe not, but what else is really worth $40K either? I can't think of anything else...

But you don't have to spend that $40,000 a year, PP. You can save and invest it. If you can truly barely afford it, in my mind you are condemning yourself to 12 years of anxiety about finances.

Sure, education is worth a lot. But how do you really know that $40,000 a year school will give your kid a better education? Maybe I'm biased because I know kids who've gone to top DC private schools who went to pretty average colleges. If they were so much better educated than their public school peers, it seems like they would have gone elsewhere.

not all private school parents choose private hoping their kid will end up at HYP. I plan on sending my kids to private all the way through and if they end up going to George mason after St. Albans, I'm perfectly fine with that. I want them to happy. My neighbor is always picking up supplies at Costco for our local public elementary because the teachers are sending emails begging for basic items such as paper towels, napkins, and art supplies. But amongst my law firm colleagues, I have been told that they didn't push their kids at all in private, they were just happy kids who loved school and their teachers so they ended up at places like duke, tufts, penn, uva without any pressure from parents. From what I've seen, it's the middle class kids that end up at less prestigious schools, even if they got into Yale because of their parents couldn't afford private highschool they could barely afford college. Before anyone burns me, I know the system sucks and the prices are ridiculous and this does not bode well for future generations as private school and prestigious universities should not be reserved just for the uber wealthy. My husband and I are both lawyers with 2 kids and we spend about 40% of our monthly income on tuition. I'm just sharing my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to do this to yourself?

+1 sounds like child cruelty. Is the education really worth damaging a child's feeling of self worth?
Not sure if pretending it makes children strong and resilient Would be worth it to me.

Thanks for the morning laugh. I'm reading it as sarcasm cuz it's hilarious, PP.

"Child cruelty"? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Yes, child cruelty. If you put a kid of the lower middle class in an elitist environment and expect him to wear hand me downs with pride, that's cruel. If you are poor I would say go for it, there is no room for pretending. You want to better your life and this could be your golden opportunity. For kids with middle class backgrounds I know many cases where the kids took it the hard way.

It's like going to a Goldman interview with a suit from Kohl's.

Hilarious! Also? Uniforms.

[Anonymous]

OP, We are a white middle class family in a 2500sq ft colonial in the Montgomery County suburbs (not Bethesda/Potomac.) My daughter has been in private since 5th grade and we are extremely happy. We applied to multiple schools and went with a more expensive private, as they offered us decent financial aid to help with the burden and we liked the feel of the school. She has friends from all over the world, all races and all cultures - most that have more money than us and some that have less money than us. And I find that in all the peer groups in high school, there are various SES levels. The girls tend to hang out with who is involved in what sports and activities. And maybe because there are white kids on FA and black kids with mansions, puts things in a better perspective than in a public where the majority means white/asians are smart/middle class and blacks/hispanics are dumb/low class. The school has so much diversity that there is very little in the way of racial/SES issues. And that kids that are considered annoying nerds can be super rich and kids that are the popular jocks can be living in an apartment in Silver Spring.

And I also find that most foreigners are less likely to flaunt their money and many locals are likely to flaunt more than they have. So we take it all in stride. I have been to mansions, mcmansions, colonials, townhouses, and apartments to pick my child up. I think she has made great decisions in her friends and I adore almost all of them. She plays sports and is in the highest honors classes in school. I can assure you she is extremely happy.

If anyone judged her based on her house or my minivan, she wouldn't be friends with them. Not all kids are dying to be super rich. She has a friend who barely sees her over-worked parents who travel all the time. She has a massive house and a live-in Nanny to share it with most of the time. She complains all the time to my daughter about her parents missing all her games/events. She loves to be at our house playing with our pets, my DD's little sisters, and having family dinners. And I guess because we help out at a family shelter monthly and she sees that various SES levels below and above her at school, she seems very content with who she is and where she is from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, child cruelty. If you put a kid of the lower middle class in an elitist environment and expect him to wear hand me downs with pride, that's cruel. If you are poor I would say go for it, there is no room for pretending. You want to better your life and this could be your golden opportunity. For kids with middle class backgrounds I know many cases where the kids took it the hard way.

It's like going to a Goldman interview with a suit from Kohl's.

So you want to condemn LMC kids to substandard education? Because that is what you are saying here. Dh and I both went to substandard schools AND we were the poor kids at these schools. Dh had shoes from walgreens and was teased for them, I had similar experiences. It sucks being the poor kid wherever you are - and the public schools that are providing a great education are not full of LMC kids - they are full of UMC kids. I can't imagine what kind of schools dh and I would have gone to where we fit in financially, because our schools were already bad. Dh was one of 5 kids (5!) who actually enrolled in college after high school.

When you are actually poor, it sucks, and you are going to feel like you stand out wherever you go. But the idea that the poor kids won't be sticking out a public high school is ridiculous. Unless you think all the poor kids should just be sent to the really bad schools.

Having been a poor kid in crappy schools, I will sacrifice to send my kid to good schools. Whether that is about renting or buying a house in an expensive neighborhood or living wherever we can so we can afford private school, we will. It sucks to be poor, but to just condemn smart kids to substandard schools so that they don't feel bad that they are poor? NO. Being poor sucks wherever you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to do this to yourself?

+1 sounds like child cruelty. Is the education really worth damaging a child's feeling of self worth?
Not sure if pretending it makes children strong and resilient Would be worth it to me.

I didn't mean it this way. I meant that unless your child had special needs of some kind, why would you condemn yourself to 12 years of incredibly high-priced education you can just barely afford? Surely you have something better to do with that nearly $40K per year over the next 12 years.

The issue is your choice of words. Condem? It's far from that. No I can't think of anything better to spend it on. The one thing no one can ever take from you is your education. Being educated is priceless. Does it require $40K a year? Maybe not, but what else is really worth $40K either? I can't think of anything else...

But you don't have to spend that $40,000 a year, PP. You can save and invest it. If you can truly barely afford it, in my mind you are condemning yourself to 12 years of anxiety about finances.

Sure, education is worth a lot. But how do you really know that $40,000 a year school will give your kid a better education? Maybe I'm biased because I know kids who've gone to top DC private schools who went to pretty average colleges. If they were so much better educated than their public school peers, it seems like they would have gone elsewhere.

not all private school parents choose private hoping their kid will end up at HYP. I plan on sending my kids to private all the way through and if they end up going to George mason after St. Albans, I'm perfectly fine with that. I want them to happy. My neighbor is always picking up supplies at Costco for our local public elementary because the teachers are sending emails begging for basic items such as paper towels, napkins, and art supplies. But amongst my law firm colleagues, I have been told that they didn't push their kids at all in private, they were just happy kids who loved school and their teachers so they ended up at places like duke, tufts, penn, uva without any pressure from parents. From what I've seen, it's the middle class kids that end up at less prestigious schools, even if they got into Yale because of their parents couldn't afford private highschool they could barely afford college. Before anyone burns me, I know the system sucks and the prices are ridiculous and this does not bode well for future generations as private school and prestigious universities should not be reserved just for the uber wealthy. My husband and I are both lawyers with 2 kids and we spend about 40% of our monthly income on tuition. I'm just sharing my experience.

Yes I know people don't necessarily send their kids to private school for that reason, PP. But I am not talking about kids who went to average colleges because that was all their parents could afford, though. And TBH, it seems like you're not in the position of "barely able to afford" the expensive tuition.

I just believe parents should really think it through and ask themselves to honestly assess their goals and intentions.