Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mistake is potentially being so up front with it, and so confident that it’s what you’ll want. I think if you’d said, “i want to save money so we have the flexibility if one of us wants to stay home with the kids for a few years” it might land better.

I NEVER thought I’d SAH, and my DH and I were both ambitious. Six weeks after our first was born it was painfully clear to BOTH of us how much we wanted a parent to be with her, and I was the one who wanted to and the one who earned less money, so it all made sense. Ten years and three kids later I’m still a SAHM and my DH values it enormously. But he genuinely didn’t feel that way before we had kids, both because he couldn’t conceive of how obsessed he’d be with them and because he was naive about how much work it takes.

Exactly this. I posted before how I’m a sahm but never thought I would want to and my best friend openly say how she wanted to stay home. Not only that, she wanted to send her kids to private school, live in a beautiful home, vacation, etc. Seems very reasonable but would have required an income of at least 500k 10 years ago. If a guy is only earning 100k, he won’t be able to afford this type of lifestyle and may not think they have a future.

I do have kids in private, don’t work, have vacation homes and often may complain to DH how his career came before mine. Once upon a time, he was attracted to my ambition.

Doesn't sound like a success story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mistake is potentially being so up front with it, and so confident that it’s what you’ll want. I think if you’d said, “i want to save money so we have the flexibility if one of us wants to stay home with the kids for a few years” it might land better.

I NEVER thought I’d SAH, and my DH and I were both ambitious. Six weeks after our first was born it was painfully clear to BOTH of us how much we wanted a parent to be with her, and I was the one who wanted to and the one who earned less money, so it all made sense. Ten years and three kids later I’m still a SAHM and my DH values it enormously. But he genuinely didn’t feel that way before we had kids, both because he couldn’t conceive of how obsessed he’d be with them and because he was naive about how much work it takes.

Exactly this. I posted before how I’m a sahm but never thought I would want to and my best friend openly say how she wanted to stay home. Not only that, she wanted to send her kids to private school, live in a beautiful home, vacation, etc. Seems very reasonable but would have required an income of at least 500k 10 years ago. If a guy is only earning 100k, he won’t be able to afford this type of lifestyle and may not think they have a future.

I do have kids in private, don’t work, have vacation homes and often may complain to DH how his career came before mine. Once upon a time, he was attracted to my ambition.

Doesn't sound like a success story?

We have three thriving children. My passion and love for my kids is greater than any professional ambition I had previously.

People change. I’m into health and wellness. I have the time to focus on my friends and family. My life feels full.

I’m almost certain if I told my then boyfriend still in school that I wanted to be a SAHM, he would have liked me less. I also would have walked if any guy told me that he wanted me to stay home with the kids while I worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

LOL! It was much easier to have a SAHM 45 years ago. Who doesn’t know that?

Maybe so, but none of my high school or college friends became stay at home moms. Most have advanced degrees. I dropped out of law school to get married. None of my husband's professional colleagues had stay at home spouses. My parents worried I'd be bored. In our social group, my choice was unusual. I don't think it's a better choice than being an employed parent. It was just the life I wanted. I hope OP gets the life she wants.

You are being deliberately obtuse about the economic differences between deciding to stay home now versus 45 years ago.

I think being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice as is wanting to work. It is also ok for men to expect their wives to work as women typically expect their husbands to work (although I do know three SAHDs where the wives are super happy to have their husbands stay home). That said, the economics of a SAHP have dramatically changed even in the last 10 years and we are about to have an AI “bubble” that is going to leave people feeling even more uncertain. It is no surprise to me that men may become more uncertain about signing up to be the sole breadwinner.

I am a wife who has been the primary earner (by a landslide) for the past 5 years. My husband does not want to be a SAHD even though it would make our lives immensely easier — fine, he can work and we hire an after school sitter.

Whether women work or not, they are hit with misogyny (external and internal). Women working outside the home do way more work in the home than men (and the more they make, the more they do at home). Women who stay at home are often undervalued. At a societal level, we still have many problems. I know some SAHMS whose husbands value what they do. And I know some SAHMs that are totally trapped married to huge misogynists. It can be hard to predict.

I hope OP can stay home, but she seems desperately naive about how this can really happen. I would not marry someone in Lala Land about how the world really works. I think this may be her bigger problem.

I don't think it's as hard to predict as you think - I think people don't ask these questions or have these conversations before they get married.

I emphatically agree. No one knows what challenges are coming in a marriage, but it's possible to have a shared plan and adjust as circumstances arise. Marriage and childbearing are leap of faith life experiences.

OP has the right idea. You discuss it when you're dating seriously with marriage as a goal. And you have to be realistic about financial disincentives and prioritize your life goals. Not many women are sahms with huge homes and vehicles and annual international vacations. Unless you have family money, your spouse needs an excellent life insurance policy, and you need the skills to support your family in unexpected circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. 90% of the women I know are SAHMs. All educated people. They may not have planned it that way, but it turned out to be best for their family.

Education and money give families the privilege of choice. So we have small bubbles where spouses are able to decide they can comfortably live on one income, and one is willing to give up potential career success and prestige for a sahp lifestyle.

And then there are the majority of families who live paycheck to paycheck. And some of those parents are doing paid chilcare work for higher earning families.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP who said that the "debate" is really not something related to the real life experiences of 99% of families. And if you add in the need for the potential SAHM to have family money or having hit the Lotto jackpot, it's even closer to zero.

The problem comes when somebody doesn't do the math and isn't willing to face the reality that you can't actually live a UMC life on one UMC salary in a major city and put 3 kids through college, especially if you didn't come from money and have to make your own down payment on a house and pay off student loans.

The other problem comes when things fall apart and the woman then claims she gave up her career to be a SAHM. 7/10 the women who agree to be a SAHM were NEVER going to earn enough money to support themselves at the level that their high earning spouse did. There just aren't that many women who enter marriage with the same earning power as their husband. I have a law degree from a T14 law school. I don't think even one of the male students in my class married a woman with the potential to earn what he could. The wives were all artists, school teachers, non-profit administrators, or just had random office assistant jobs. I only know of one marriage between two law students.

[Anonymous]

"Where do you live? 95% of the women I know work."

I started a thread a couple of months back and said the same thing. People define what it means to be a SAHM differently. Lots of women claim to be both (SAHM and WOH) because they went back to work after their DCs were in school or can't reenter FT because their DC has a severe disability that requires too much time off for appointments and extremely expensive childcare. Then there are the ones who wish they could be a SAHM but had to work for financial reasons. They also consider themselves SAHMs. Unless you live in a small bubble with the wives of the Commanders and the socialites featured in the About Town section of Washingtonian Magazine, most women around here have jobs. Or, if you live among people who are low ranked military or otherwise lower income and the moms aren't capable of ever earning more than the cheapest unlicensed in-home daycare. To me, a SAHM never "needs" to go back to any workplace because her husband is making enough money to cover all their needs and wants, even after her kids are away at college.

I happen to know quite a few dual-high income young couples with toddlers through family. Only one of them is sort of a SAHM (she's not earning an income currently) but she's finishing the practicum part of a graduate degree that will enable her to earn more than her husband when she finishes in two years. Today's young men aren't looking for women like OP and would not fit in with their peer group if they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said that the "debate" is really not something related to the real life experiences of 99% of families. And if you add in the need for the potential SAHM to have family money or having hit the Lotto jackpot, it's even closer to zero.

The problem comes when somebody doesn't do the math and isn't willing to face the reality that you can't actually live a UMC life on one UMC salary in a major city and put 3 kids through college, especially if you didn't come from money and have to make your own down payment on a house and pay off student loans.

The other problem comes when things fall apart and the woman then claims she gave up her career to be a SAHM. 7/10 the women who agree to be a SAHM were NEVER going to earn enough money to support themselves at the level that their high earning spouse did. There just aren't that many women who enter marriage with the same earning power as their husband. I have a law degree from a T14 law school. I don't think even one of the male students in my class married a woman with the potential to earn what he could. The wives were all artists, school teachers, non-profit administrators, or just had random office assistant jobs. I only know of one marriage between two law students.

This is fascinating to me. Currently women are a slight majority of law and medical school graduates. Looking at T20 law schools, they are still a slight majority at most schools. Who these women marrying? Why not their classmates?

[Anonymous]

You’ll likely change your mind. Do you want to quit your job now? If not why would you want to quit later on?

I grew up with a SAHM and thought this was the best way to have kids. Then I had kids. I enjoy earning money and not into the mom life. I’d only quit my job if I could employ a full time nanny.

I’d be cautious ending a relationship over something you might not want to do anyway.

[Anonymous]

Working an office job is very easy. To give that up to earn $0 is foolish unless you’re independently wealthy.

If you decide to earn $0, you’ll be earning $0 to clean your own house, do all laundry and chores, manage kids, be a chauffeur etc. Meanwhile your DH will act like he’s doing you a favor.

A lot of the SAHM reels and pages on IG are people living in LCOL you wouldn’t want to live. If you want to live in a $600k house far out from Dallas and send kids to in-state colleges then maybe this is for you.

If you’ve lived an independent life where you travel to exotic places, have a retirement account and lead business meetings you’ll find yourself in a completely different world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said that the "debate" is really not something related to the real life experiences of 99% of families. And if you add in the need for the potential SAHM to have family money or having hit the Lotto jackpot, it's even closer to zero.

The problem comes when somebody doesn't do the math and isn't willing to face the reality that you can't actually live a UMC life on one UMC salary in a major city and put 3 kids through college, especially if you didn't come from money and have to make your own down payment on a house and pay off student loans.

The other problem comes when things fall apart and the woman then claims she gave up her career to be a SAHM. 7/10 the women who agree to be a SAHM were NEVER going to earn enough money to support themselves at the level that their high earning spouse did. There just aren't that many women who enter marriage with the same earning power as their husband. I have a law degree from a T14 law school. I don't think even one of the male students in my class married a woman with the potential to earn what he could. The wives were all artists, school teachers, non-profit administrators, or just had random office assistant jobs. I only know of one marriage between two law students.

This is unfortunately true. I know some successful men with high earning jobs and they do have educated, successful wives. Even then, their salary is !200-400k and they would never be able to support their current lifestyle without the DH.

[Anonymous]

OP: I strongly suggest you back off on this SAHM hill vis a vis your relationships with men. If you are lucky enough to find someone with whom you would consider starting a family, you also need to be willing to compromise and consider different options. Maybe you still end up staying at home when the kids are young, but it may require relocating or taking on freelance work. Marriage can be tough and parenting is really no joke--you need to be able to work with your spouse and compromise. With that said, here are some lessons I've learned as a SAHM of now HS and college-aged kids:

--There are different kinds of stay at home moms. Some work their asses off, others not so much. I'm not saying you need to "prove your worth as SAHM" to your DH, but at the same time if you are asking him to carry the financial weight, your role needs to make sense for the relationship/family.
--You and your DH need to agree on what time of lifestyle you'd like to have and what are your priorities in terms of values when you are raising children. THIS is the conversation to have before you marry because if you aren't aligned here, your chance of success is low. This is a much different conversation than simply insisting on staying home with the kids.
--It is stressful for the person solely in charge of making money to support the family even when they value what their spouse is doing to contribute with raising kids, managing the house etc
--It can be very stressful for the SAHM knowing that your spouse is carrying all of the financial responsibility and this can lead to guilt and tension in the relationship.
--If things go sideways with your marriage, you could potentially be in a precarious position financially.
--It can be next to impossible to return to work once you decide the time is right for your family. In my case, the industry had completely changed. Finding jobs in 2026 is not the same as it was in 2006.
--Don't compare what your parents did in a different time/location and economy. It's not an apples to apples comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

Right?! OMG, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said that the "debate" is really not something related to the real life experiences of 99% of families. And if you add in the need for the potential SAHM to have family money or having hit the Lotto jackpot, it's even closer to zero.

The problem comes when somebody doesn't do the math and isn't willing to face the reality that you can't actually live a UMC life on one UMC salary in a major city and put 3 kids through college, especially if you didn't come from money and have to make your own down payment on a house and pay off student loans.

The other problem comes when things fall apart and the woman then claims she gave up her career to be a SAHM. 7/10 the women who agree to be a SAHM were NEVER going to earn enough money to support themselves at the level that their high earning spouse did. There just aren't that many women who enter marriage with the same earning power as their husband. I have a law degree from a T14 law school. I don't think even one of the male students in my class married a woman with the potential to earn what he could. The wives were all artists, school teachers, non-profit administrators, or just had random office assistant jobs. I only know of one marriage between two law students.

This is fascinating to me. Currently women are a slight majority of law and medical school graduates. Looking at T20 law schools, they are still a slight majority at most schools. Who these women marrying? Why not their classmates?

I don't know why PP's law school is like that. I'm married to a man I met in CivPro. Tons of my classmates married each other, or they married their college boyfriend/girlfriend who they were already dating.

[Anonymous]

There are women who are more interested in career and money, there is nothing wrong with that. There are women who need to work. There are women who prioritize family and kids over career and income. There are men who want or need their wives to make money and there are men who don't, they are ambitious and able to bring enough money, they are fine with their wives working or not. It actually helps their careers if someone is interested in focusing on parenting and home management so they don't have to carry that load.

All ways are fine as long as both parties have an agreement and understand the pros and cons of their choices. Everyone doesn't have to have same lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Working an office job is very easy. To give that up to earn $0 is foolish unless you’re independently wealthy.

If you decide to earn $0, you’ll be earning $0 to clean your own house, do all laundry and chores, manage kids, be a chauffeur etc. Meanwhile your DH will act like he’s doing you a favor.

A lot of the SAHM reels and pages on IG are people living in LCOL you wouldn’t want to live. If you want to live in a $600k house far out from Dallas and send kids to in-state colleges then maybe this is for you.

If you’ve lived an independent life where you travel to exotic places, have a retirement account and lead business meetings you’ll find yourself in a completely different world.

I sah with my 2 children from birth to their teen years and do not regret a single day spent with them. No vacation, no house, no account balance is worth more than being with them every day. Being dcum poor isn't too bad and dh is a solid partner. When we retire, we will be just fine. The kids are on their way to launching in good circumstances. They have practical life skills, education, and a solid, secure foundation. They are turning out better than we dreamed when making the decision to sah. I reentered the workforce some time ago and I am content.