Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

OP: Not sure if you are local to the DMV but you asked about how and where. I think you need to tap into men from your hometown, men from your undergraduate school, and then possibly meet men at church/ temple. There is nothing wrong with expressing your desire to have children, and stay at home when you are at the point in dating where it js getting serious. It is even ok to weed out men who are not interested in this from the very beginning. Don't waste time. Don't lie. Things do change, though, and you never know what life will throw at you. For example, you might struggle to conceive. Children change everything for married couples, it is a lifelong (truly) job. You need a high earning man who had a stay at home mom. He is out there.

[Anonymous]

NP. 90% of the women I know are SAHMs. All educated people. They may not have planned it that way, but it turned out to be best for their family.

[Anonymous]

If it is your joint decision to have three children, he is delusional if he thinks that you can work any substantial hours. That's possible only with a full-time nanny and/ or extended daycare, which may not be worth it either financially or emotionally.

[Anonymous]

The mistake is potentially being so up front with it, and so confident that it’s what you’ll want. I think if you’d said, “i want to save money so we have the flexibility if one of us wants to stay home with the kids for a few years” it might land better.

I NEVER thought I’d SAH, and my DH and I were both ambitious. Six weeks after our first was born it was painfully clear to BOTH of us how much we wanted a parent to be with her, and I was the one who wanted to and the one who earned less money, so it all made sense. Ten years and three kids later I’m still a SAHM and my DH values it enormously. But he genuinely didn’t feel that way before we had kids, both because he couldn’t conceive of how obsessed he’d be with them and because he was naive about how much work it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mistake is potentially being so up front with it, and so confident that it’s what you’ll want. I think if you’d said, “i want to save money so we have the flexibility if one of us wants to stay home with the kids for a few years” it might land better.

I NEVER thought I’d SAH, and my DH and I were both ambitious. Six weeks after our first was born it was painfully clear to BOTH of us how much we wanted a parent to be with her, and I was the one who wanted to and the one who earned less money, so it all made sense. Ten years and three kids later I’m still a SAHM and my DH values it enormously. But he genuinely didn’t feel that way before we had kids, both because he couldn’t conceive of how obsessed he’d be with them and because he was naive about how much work it takes.

Exactly this. I posted before how I’m a sahm but never thought I would want to and my best friend openly say how she wanted to stay home. Not only that, she wanted to send her kids to private school, live in a beautiful home, vacation, etc. Seems very reasonable but would have required an income of at least 500k 10 years ago. If a guy is only earning 100k, he won’t be able to afford this type of lifestyle and may not think they have a future.

I do have kids in private, don’t work, have vacation homes and often may complain to DH how his career came before mine. Once upon a time, he was attracted to my ambition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.

This is the move, OP. Why make a problem so soon before something happens?

Leaving aside the morality of it or the fact that it’s going to poison the marriage to start with such a basic lie, what’s going to happen when she says she’s staying home, he says no, they fight, there is resentment and there is a divorce and now she’s left with kids and no marriage and the headaches of joint custody, being tied to an ex through children and having expenses that come with children in two households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.

This is the move, OP. Why make a problem so soon before something happens?

Leaving aside the morality of it or the fact that it’s going to poison the marriage to start with such a basic lie, what’s going to happen when she says she’s staying home, he says no, they fight, there is resentment and there is a divorce and now she’s left with kids and no marriage and the headaches of joint custody, being tied to an ex through children and having expenses that come with children in two households.

Many women want to stay home with their kids. The option isn’t always available. Really depends on the finances.

I find that if a woman comes from a wealthy family. It is much easier for the woman to want to stay home. If she has student loans or the husband comes from a poor or middle class family, it isn’t so easy for the woman to decide to stay home.

I have a good friend who is rich. Her dad left her an inheritance when he passed. She doesn’t have to save for retirement or worry about saving for kids college tuition. It is all taken care of. If OP is dating a guy who is saving to just buy a home, he isn’t going to be thrilled or agree to marrying someone he has to support financially. If the guy is rich, he probably won’t care but OP better bring something amazing to the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look for MAGA who want tradwives.

DH is very liberal and I am a stay at home/trad wife.

He's not very liberal then.

DP here. Mine is liberal politically. But was way too happy to just let all the running of the house fall to me. I was naive and thought SAH meant I would care for the kids during the day instead of a nanny/daycare and I didn’t realize all the other crap that would fall to me too and not us together.

I am SAH wife now, since kids are grown and flown.

DH and I jointly tackled domestic chores since the time we got married. There was no reason for me to start doing all those chores by myself once I became a mom - SAHM or WOHM. We always either did the domestic chores jointly or we hired people. Yes, I was still supervising the tasks but I had a cleaning lady who came twice a week to clean, do laundry, do food prep and organize. And while I did not have a fantastic yard with flowers, I did have a lawn mower guy who did the basic mowing, mulching the flower beds and trimming the bushes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?

I’ve always been a working mom, but I’m so grateful to have a flexible job now that my kids are tweens/teens. If I had to pick between SAH when they were babies vs now I’d absolutely say now is more critical. I didn’t get it then when others said kids need you more when they’re older, but it’s so true.

+1

Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm so glad my husband and I had slightly staggered schedules and an amazing nanny when our kids were babies and then once they hit elementary school we both worked from home and we have so much more flexibility and freedom in our jobs. If I had dialed back when they were little I'd still be trying to gain seniority in order to have a high paycheck with a ton of autonomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

LOL! It was much easier to have a SAHM 45 years ago. Who doesn’t know that?

Maybe so, but none of my high school or college friends became stay at home moms. Most have advanced degrees. I dropped out of law school to get married. None of my husband's professional colleagues had stay at home spouses. My parents worried I'd be bored. In our social group, my choice was unusual. I don't think it's a better choice than being an employed parent. It was just the life I wanted. I hope OP gets the life she wants.

You are being deliberately obtuse about the economic differences between deciding to stay home now versus 45 years ago.

I think being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice as is wanting to work. It is also ok for men to expect their wives to work as women typically expect their husbands to work (although I do know three SAHDs where the wives are super happy to have their husbands stay home). That said, the economics of a SAHP have dramatically changed even in the last 10 years and we are about to have an AI “bubble” that is going to leave people feeling even more uncertain. It is no surprise to me that men may become more uncertain about signing up to be the sole breadwinner.

I am a wife who has been the primary earner (by a landslide) for the past 5 years. My husband does not want to be a SAHD even though it would make our lives immensely easier — fine, he can work and we hire an after school sitter.

Whether women work or not, they are hit with misogyny (external and internal). Women working outside the home do way more work in the home than men (and the more they make, the more they do at home). Women who stay at home are often undervalued. At a societal level, we still have many problems. I know some SAHMS whose husbands value what they do. And I know some SAHMs that are totally trapped married to huge misogynists. It can be hard to predict.

I hope OP can stay home, but she seems desperately naive about how this can really happen. I would not marry someone in Lala Land about how the world really works. I think this may be her bigger problem.

I don't think it's as hard to predict as you think - I think people don't ask these questions or have these conversations before they get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, try dating Mormon men.

She's too old for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and have a very high earning spouse. I was very ambitious when we met and got married. I had zero interest in being a SAHM before being a mom.

When the baby came, I cried going back to back to work. My mom used to watch out first. We put our kids in daycare and we both preferred I take care of the kids.

My childhood best friend wanted to be a SAHM. She was very open about this and a lot of guys walked. She is now in her forties and childless.

Don’t break up over this. Arguing about this at a one year relationship mark is really stupid.

I disagree. Of course circumstances can change but this is a discussion you should have up front and be honest about. Plenty of men do not want to marry a SAHM. Would they make it work if something changed? Sure, but expecting something to change in a relationship is a recipe for disaster - have you not seen that on here time and time again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. 90% of the women I know are SAHMs. All educated people. They may not have planned it that way, but it turned out to be best for their family.

Where do you live? 95% of the women I know work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mistake is potentially being so up front with it, and so confident that it’s what you’ll want. I think if you’d said, “i want to save money so we have the flexibility if one of us wants to stay home with the kids for a few years” it might land better.

I NEVER thought I’d SAH, and my DH and I were both ambitious. Six weeks after our first was born it was painfully clear to BOTH of us how much we wanted a parent to be with her, and I was the one who wanted to and the one who earned less money, so it all made sense. Ten years and three kids later I’m still a SAHM and my DH values it enormously. But he genuinely didn’t feel that way before we had kids, both because he couldn’t conceive of how obsessed he’d be with them and because he was naive about how much work it takes.

He's so obsessed with your kids that he wanted YOU to stay home with them? Mmmmk.