Am I overreacting/rude with this text?

[Anonymous]

Anytime someone says micro aggression I automatically think they are insecure and immature.

Next time try having a good time instead of being right. In a bar setting agreeable and anecdotal is more likely to encourage broader conversation and an enjoyable evening. Your text sounds like the conversation ruined your night and you felt the need to ruin another day or possibly the relationship over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This forum is very racist OP. Towards East Asians, Indians, Hispanics, Jews, black people, Arabs, I could go on and on, so don’t listen to what they think.

+1

But also loves to virtue signal in the next breath.

Clearly there is also a widespread hatred of older white women. The constant bashing is racist, ageist and a million other things. But everyone thinks it’s totally fine.

The hatred that is shown to that group would be widely admonished if it was toward any other group of people.

Yes...AND white women deserve it. White women voted for Trump, making lives harder for all, but especially Black women. I'm a white woman who feels this, but then I remind myself of the previous two sentences.

I care about it less from POC, than I do from white men, who are 1000x worse IMO. Not all men obvs, because I'm married to a white man and have two white sons. But, generally, I don't need to be so sensitive. It will pass the better we do. And, clearly this thread proves we have a long way to go.

Ahh, here’s the hatred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you assuming that your friend was not acting in good faith when she disagreed with you?

OP here,
Because she regularly hand waves and dismisses things that I say to her. She hears the same thing from someone else and suddenly she believes it. I will apologize for my rudeness, but I was just kind of over it in the moment and shouldn't have lashed out.

That sounds annoying. But how do you know that's because of your race?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just thinking out loud but what happens when the threat of calling someone racist doesn't sting anymore. Using the term so freely desensitizes people from the true horror of its meaning, no?
What if I said in response, "yeah, ok, so I am racist" and just went on with my day. Then what? The word actually means something that is extremely important to ingest but continuing to weaponize it as it is constantly done here, it loses its meaning and certainly its sting. Then what?

Why go to DCUM next of course!

Escalate with the libs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend and I were at a public place (restaurant/bar) for drinks. I told her a fact based on things I know from my career field. She insisted I was incorrect. A man at the table behind us, turned around and said "actually, she is right. I have experienced [event/situation] to be the case as well".

For context, friend is a white woman and I am a WOC. I sent her a text later as follows:
"Hey, I just wanted to say that it really hurts when you don't listen to me on things that I quite literally do for a living. It's a bit of a microaggression to be honest that you immediately believe a random white man who presents anecdata over me, your friend who has a Master's in this topic. I'm not mad at you and I don't want to stop being friends with you. I just wanted to let you know how this comes across."

She replied "oh it's not like that...."

Am I overreacting?

Yes. Sorry there was a disagreement during your conversation.

But Texting a lecture and reprimand is almost always the wrong thing to do, unless you need it to be used in court. And even then it’s He said, She said.

Oh no, a sane response. Gasp!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

First of all, the response said "Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression" so reread with that in mind. That poster said it's SO offensive to accuse someone of engaging in a microaggression and my response to that is the same - that is an idiotic argument to make. Truly. Just say it out loud to yourself a few times until you get it.

Second of all, OP is saying HOW SHE FELT. You don't get to dismiss her feelings. Who cares if there are multiple different points of view that white women have come up with on this thread? OP felt how she felt, and not just from this one encounter (so let's assume she knows more about this friend than you do, shall we?).

Third, spend some time with some self-reflection as to why you think it's worse for OP to tell someone how she FEELS as a woman of color than it is to possibly make the friend examine her interactions with OP and realize that she actually is a little bit racist.

I know, I know, you're so woke and you have so many black friends and you donate to the public school you don't send your kids to, etc. I get it. Congratulations. Now just sit quietly and ruminate a bit on why you think it's worse for a friend to tell another friend (in a private text!) how her behavior came across as a microaggression than for the friend to have engaged in such microaggression.

I'm not the PP that called it a moral transgression and I do agree that was OTT and, well, weird.

OP is here asking if people thought the text was rude or an overreaction, so maybe some part of her feels like she possibly went overboard. Plenty of posters think so. Using the word microaggression was a choice. It implies her friend is racist. She could have gotten the same point across by saying she felt hurt that her friend would believe a random person immediately even though OP has credentials and experience. If the friend is open-minded she might have reflected and considered the racial angle herself. If she's not the type of person that would do that the friendship is probably doomed anyway. By sending the message she did, it's almost inevitable the friend would get defensive and say it's not that.

To the posters that agree with OP's text, I would actually be curious what type of response you would want to see from the friend. What if the friend is truly puzzled and truly does not believe she was unconsciously being racist? How should she answer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were out of line calling her out.
Unless the issue itself was one that was racial in nature.

She was already called out by the other dude at the bar.

What more does OP want? Rub it in? A apology? More apologies? Racial reparations? More texts, emails and lectures to her?

I thought her text response was 10000% more mature than OP’s poor behavior text. And I wouldn’t fault the friend at all if she took a long time out from hanging out with Op.

Op, if you’re a serious and not a troll, apologize for your petty long text now and move on. Say you were drinking or something.

True, true and true. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend and I were at a public place (restaurant/bar) for drinks. I told her a fact based on things I know from my career field. She insisted I was incorrect. A man at the table behind us, turned around and said "actually, she is right. I have experienced [event/situation] to be the case as well".

For context, friend is a white woman and I am a WOC. I sent her a text later as follows:
"Hey, I just wanted to say that it really hurts when you don't listen to me on things that I quite literally do for a living. It's a bit of a microaggression to be honest that you immediately believe a random white man who presents anecdata over me, your friend who has a Master's in this topic. I'm not mad at you and I don't want to stop being friends with you. I just wanted to let you know how this comes across."

She replied "oh it's not like that...."

Am I overreacting?

You're missing like half your story here. Why do you assume your friend believed the man over you? What was your reaction that you were apologizing for?

Prolly race baiting question at Ben’s Chili Bowl.

[Anonymous]

I’m still confused about which one of you the man was saying was correct.

[Anonymous]

Just thinking out loud but what happens when the threat of calling someone racist doesn't sting anymore. Using the term so freely desensitizes people from the true horror of its meaning, no?
What if I said in response, "yeah, ok, so I am racist" and just went on with my day. Then what? The word actually means something that is extremely important to ingest but continuing to weaponize it as it is constantly done here, it loses its meaning and certainly its sting. Then what?

Hah, once at work I was telling everyone that the night before, two African-American men approached me in the office parking lot and asked me something and I jumped into my car and locked the doors and the next thing I knew they were trying to open the car door. I said I had been nervous they would consider me racist for not talking to them but something felt off. One of the boomers said "so what? Be racist!"

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you assume it was a male/female interaction instead of a racist interaction? The situation you described sounds more like showing interest in a member of the opposite gender at a bar than dismissing you. I wasn’t there, so I could be wrong and I have a bias towards giving my acquaintances the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he's not just a white man, he's a white man who has experience married to a WOC. The story is not exactly as how you originally described. Its not as if he tried to mansplain, he gave her perspective from a real life scenario.

And the perspective coming from the real life WOC in front of her wasn't sufficient?

What I'm saying is, she just believe the "White man". She believed the real life story, not the stat from grad school.

It's not a stat from grad school - I'm a White female tax lawyer and I knew that Black woman have higher mortality rates during birth. I'm actually kind of surprised your friend didn't know that, and I'm even more surprised that she questioned you on it when she said it. She seems like a bit of a jerk.

Maybe she’s not well read and doesn’t know a lot of unemployed obese poor pregnant females with bad health care globally or domestically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its wild that she disagreed with you, for so many reasons, but since you said this has happened before - I would guess its just her difficult personality type.

?

So now anyone who disagrees has a difficult personality?

Ya know, sometimes people are just dumb. Or clueless. That doesn’t mean they are difficult.

And sometimes facts don’t dictate a right or wrong answer, meaning different opinions are fine.

What on earth are you blabbering about? OP stated a FACT. A well known fact, at that. This wasn't a matter of opinion. And frankly, OP's knowledge of the topic should be worth far more than one person's anecdote.

If you wanna talk about a complicated race statistic, then you have to say your premises. Or be able to answer real questions.

Otherwise, the other way to go is everyone glosses over that and moves on. To save the relationship.

I have a job where I poke holes in someone’s claim and their premises. Think litigator or private investor or both. Headlines aren’t sufficient. Omitting actual drivers won’t work. Cherry picking variables to craft your narrative won’t work. Get all the facts and premises on the table, then find outcomes and solutions. No politics needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend and I were at a public place (restaurant/bar) for drinks. I told her a fact based on things I know from my career field. She insisted I was incorrect. A man at the table behind us, turned around and said "actually, she is right. I have experienced [event/situation] to be the case as well".

For context, friend is a white woman and I am a WOC. I sent her a text later as follows:
"Hey, I just wanted to say that it really hurts when you don't listen to me on things that I quite literally do for a living. It's a bit of a microaggression to be honest that you immediately believe a random white man who presents anecdata over me, your friend who has a Master's in this topic. I'm not mad at you and I don't want to stop being friends with you. I just wanted to let you know how this comes across."

She replied "oh it's not like that...."

Am I overreacting?

You are.

Also, it’s not all about race. 🙄

+1

Yo literally just accused your friend - YOUR FRIEND - of racism. Why the heck would she want to continue a friendship with someone who thinks she’s racist when she knows she’s not.

I'm a White woman and I am so unbelievably annoyed by you stupid PPs who are likely also White women. You don't think FRIENDS can say racist things to their friends, especially if you're talking about something small, which is what OP was getting at? Wait wait, tell me how many Black friends you have. Tell me how many Black neighbors you have. You people are the worst.

When someone gets together with you to drop loaded statements, just smile & nod and GTFO at your earliest convenience.

[Anonymous]

Team OP