Am I overreacting/rude with this text?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

No, there are not many possible reasons. The friend is either racist or obtuse. Either way, OP has to move on. Sending texts to these kinds is a waste of energy.

You give the benefit of the doubt to a friend who uses a wrong word, for example, not to someone who will dismiss facts without bothering to do any research. That is not a friend. That's an adversary. You can interact with those kinds in classrooms and on message boards like this one.

Exactly.
It’s us against them.

Sorry, who are these teams again? Because I'm a white woman and I don't want to be on the team with the white idiots on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

No, there are not many possible reasons. The friend is either racist or obtuse. Either way, OP has to move on. Sending texts to these kinds is a waste of energy.

You give the benefit of the doubt to a friend who uses a wrong word, for example, not to someone who will dismiss facts without bothering to do any research. That is not a friend. That's an adversary. You can interact with those kinds in classrooms and on message boards like this one.

Exactly.
It’s us against them.

Sorry, who are these teams again? Because I'm a white woman and I don't want to be on the team with the white idiots on this thread.

You can be on our team (the non white people and allies on this thread). The white people crashing out are proving our point lol. So predictable.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So now we are obligated to agree with everything anyone says or else it’s a racist microaggression?

Geez I miss the 90s when everyone wasn’t so high-strung and constantly looking for ways to be offended.

Remember when friendly debates could simply end in “Whatever” and then everyone moved on? Sigh.

It isn't about agreeing with everything. It's fine if you disagree with me. But when someone else says the exact same thing 5 mins later, it makes you wonder, "why didn't she believe me?"

DP - I get that. But in this example, the man said his wife, a POC, had that experience the OP described. Is it a microagression or objectively changing her mind based on more facts/experiences?

Why does she need more facts/experiences beyond those of her friend, who works in this field?!

+1

And why is she disagreeing without looking it up? A Google search would have been all it took to confirm OP's assertions. Why say you don't think it is true without any knowledge to back up your opinion? She could have said " I never knew that!" and then do her research to confirm.

She is a combative dummy at the very least. OP does not need to deal with that on a constant basis.

No one here is “combative” except some posters here and OP’s over the line long text message, which the friend handled superbly.

So what if OP’s statement was unknown to the friend and the friend said No way! Did an argument ensue? Was it combative!? Did an argument start when a passerbyer gave an anecdotal story? Do women of all colors get taken less seriously in whatever situation they were combatting about?

Right on schedule, combative poster comes in to say no one is being combative.

This thread is like watching the Olympics of un-self awareness.

That wasn’t combative. The people name calling are
Asking questions isnt combative, it’s info seeking. First thing you learn if you manage people in a F500 quality workforce.

Fascinating that you think a normal back and forth conversation with questions is combative. Love to know your schooling, age and background.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So now we are obligated to agree with everything anyone says or else it’s a racist microaggression?

Geez I miss the 90s when everyone wasn’t so high-strung and constantly looking for ways to be offended.

Remember when friendly debates could simply end in “Whatever” and then everyone moved on? Sigh.

It isn't about agreeing with everything. It's fine if you disagree with me. But when someone else says the exact same thing 5 mins later, it makes you wonder, "why didn't she believe me?"

DP - I get that. But in this example, the man said his wife, a POC, had that experience the OP described. Is it a microagression or objectively changing her mind based on more facts/experiences?

Why does she need more facts/experiences beyond those of her friend, who works in this field?!

+1

And why is she disagreeing without looking it up? A Google search would have been all it took to confirm OP's assertions. Why say you don't think it is true without any knowledge to back up your opinion? She could have said " I never knew that!" and then do her research to confirm.

She is a combative dummy at the very least. OP does not need to deal with that on a constant basis.

No one here is “combative” except some posters here and OP’s over the line long text message, which the friend handled superbly.

So what if OP’s statement was unknown to the friend and the friend said No way! Did an argument ensue? Was it combative!? Did an argument start when a passerbyer gave an anecdotal story? Do women of all colors get taken less seriously in whatever situation they were combatting about?

When a statement is unknown to you, you nod and admit that you "never knew that." Then keep queit until you've had time to digest enough materials to have an intelligent discussion and/or ask questions. You don't dismiss statements that are unknown to you, especially when it concerns a topic that you should know, if that individual was truly a friend, is sensitive. You should be reasonable and empathetic, not dismissive about subjects that are important to your friends.

This is common sense, and you should approach most statements this way. For example, I am the poster who let a friend go because she said allergies would just go away if children were fed the stuff they were allergic to. After all, she continued, her generation did not have this many allergies. Imagine having a toddler ( first child) with a peanut allergy and your friend is telling you to just give your toddler peanuts and call it a day with this "allergy stuff". And my pediatrician was telling me to be especially careful with the peanut allergy because it was the most dangerous. She was unnecessarily dismissive. That is not how friends behave.

Additionally, OP indicated that this is not the first time this friend has acted this way. The friend is not a good one for OP.

Agree, most people avoid baited questions like OP’s XYz people ABC. Saying, no way I can’t believe that just seems like an exclamation. And a great opportunity for Op to provide supportive details to her claim, and block and tackle any obvious rebuttals. Then move on to a different topic. And dont follow up with long dismissive text messages.

How old is Op? I was Jsut teaching my 12 yo with an Apple Watch not to write nasty texts to her sister. The texts never go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Friend and I were at a public place (restaurant/bar) for drinks. I told her a fact based on things I know from my career field. She insisted I was incorrect. A man at the table behind us, turned around and said "actually, she is right. I have experienced [event/situation] to be the case as well".

For context, friend is a white woman and I am a WOC. I sent her a text later as follows:
"Hey, I just wanted to say that it really hurts when you don't listen to me on things that I quite literally do for a living. It's a bit of a microaggression to be honest that you immediately believe a random white man who presents anecdata over me, your friend who has a Master's in this topic. I'm not mad at you and I don't want to stop being friends with you. I just wanted to let you know how this comes across."

She replied "oh it's not like that...."

Am I overreacting?

You are.

Also, it’s not all about race. 🙄

+1

Yo literally just accused your friend - YOUR FRIEND - of racism. Why the heck would she want to continue a friendship with someone who thinks she’s racist when she knows she’s not.

I'm a White woman and I am so unbelievably annoyed by you stupid PPs who are likely also White women. You don't think FRIENDS can say racist things to their friends, especially if you're talking about something small, which is what OP was getting at? Wait wait, tell me how many Black friends you have. Tell me how many Black neighbors you have. You people are the worst.

When someone gets together with you to drop loaded statements, just smile & nod and GTFO at your earliest convenience.

So OP stating a fact relevant to her profession is dropping a loaded statement? Jeez you people are fragile.

What was OP’s fact and topic she brought up at the 1:1 friend dinner? Maybe her friend is low EQ or didn’t have her guard up for race and politics topics.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So he's not just a white man, he's a white man who has experience married to a WOC. The story is not exactly as how you originally described. Its not as if he tried to mansplain, he gave her perspective from a real life scenario.

And the perspective coming from the real life WOC in front of her wasn't sufficient?

What I'm saying is, she just believe the "White man". She believed the real life story, not the stat from grad school.

It's not a stat from grad school - I'm a White female tax lawyer and I knew that Black woman have higher mortality rates during birth. I'm actually kind of surprised your friend didn't know that, and I'm even more surprised that she questioned you on it when she said it. She seems like a bit of a jerk.

Maybe she’s not well read and doesn’t know a lot of unemployed obese poor pregnant females with bad health care globally or domestically.

Bingo.

What was the topic OP told her about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend and I were at a public place (restaurant/bar) for drinks. I told her a fact based on things I know from my career field. She insisted I was incorrect. A man at the table behind us, turned around and said "actually, she is right. I have experienced [event/situation] to be the case as well".

For context, friend is a white woman and I am a WOC. I sent her a text later as follows:
"Hey, I just wanted to say that it really hurts when you don't listen to me on things that I quite literally do for a living. It's a bit of a microaggression to be honest that you immediately believe a random white man who presents anecdata over me, your friend who has a Master's in this topic. I'm not mad at you and I don't want to stop being friends with you. I just wanted to let you know how this comes across."

She replied "oh it's not like that...."

Am I overreacting?

That text is horrible. You clearly took a lot of things personally.

Pick up the phone 3 days later and talk it out. Don’t fire off a diatribe like that the very next morning.

What does man or white woman or WOC have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So now we are obligated to agree with everything anyone says or else it’s a racist microaggression?

Geez I miss the 90s when everyone wasn’t so high-strung and constantly looking for ways to be offended.

Remember when friendly debates could simply end in “Whatever” and then everyone moved on? Sigh.

It isn't about agreeing with everything. It's fine if you disagree with me. But when someone else says the exact same thing 5 mins later, it makes you wonder, "why didn't she believe me?"

DP - I get that. But in this example, the man said his wife, a POC, had that experience the OP described. Is it a microagression or objectively changing her mind based on more facts/experiences?

Why does she need more facts/experiences beyond those of her friend, who works in this field?!

+1

And why is she disagreeing without looking it up? A Google search would have been all it took to confirm OP's assertions. Why say you don't think it is true without any knowledge to back up your opinion? She could have said " I never knew that!" and then do her research to confirm.

She is a combative dummy at the very least. OP does not need to deal with that on a constant basis.

No one here is “combative” except some posters here and OP’s over the line long text message, which the friend handled superbly.

So what if OP’s statement was unknown to the friend and the friend said No way! Did an argument ensue? Was it combative!? Did an argument start when a passerbyer gave an anecdotal story? Do women of all colors get taken less seriously in whatever situation they were combatting about?

Right on schedule, combative poster comes in to say no one is being combative.

This thread is like watching the Olympics of un-self awareness.

That wasn’t combative. The people name calling are
Asking questions isnt combative, it’s info seeking. First thing you learn if you manage people in a F500 quality workforce.

Fascinating that you think a normal back and forth conversation with questions is combative. Love to know your schooling, age and background.

If you manage people then I really hope you complete some D&I training. Ask your AI tool of choice to build you a training plan. Even better, supply it your comments from this thread and it can tailor suggestions better. Your employees will thank you!

[Anonymous]

I am biracial and I’ll tell you gently that everything is a microaggression if you squint hard enough. More likely, this is someone hearing a fact validated in a 2-1 manner.