Am I overreacting/rude with this text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a Armenian women, I think you were wrong and rude.

Trolling again.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are you assuming that your friend was not acting in good faith when she disagreed with you?

OP here,
Because she regularly hand waves and dismisses things that I say to her. She hears the same thing from someone else and suddenly she believes it. I will apologize for my rudeness, but I was just kind of over it in the moment and shouldn't have lashed out.

You seem obsessed OP. If you can’t let small things go, then good luck.

Yes, silly little OP for being upset at her friend's small racism. She should just let it go.

You mean they didn’t launch into a convo about what’s driving that particular population’s health issues and pregnancy issues?

What a missed opportunity!

A missed opportunity to bust out more facts. But what if all the risk factors cancel out? Or are too correlated to income and education? Who do we blame them?

And what if they do not cancel out, you ignorant fool? Did you look it up?

#ClassyCalmConversationalist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a POC myself, from Uruguay. I don’t understand why terms like WOC are used here. Is that the norm in the DC area? Why are all minorities lumped together against the majority?

Troll.

Stop the race baiting. We all know what Subsaharan Africans think of AAs.

For example, Asian privilege exists so not sure why it’s called WOC.

It’s ok. American libs now carve out all Pacific Islanders, East Asians, oriental Asians, SE Asians from Minority status. Women included. Their marriage, graduation, income and crime rates were skewing the results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:So now we are obligated to agree with everything anyone says or else it’s a racist microaggression?

Geez I miss the 90s when everyone wasn’t so high-strung and constantly looking for ways to be offended.

Remember when friendly debates could simply end in “Whatever” and then everyone moved on? Sigh.

It isn't about agreeing with everything. It's fine if you disagree with me. But when someone else says the exact same thing 5 mins later, it makes you wonder, "why didn't she believe me?"

DP - I get that. But in this example, the man said his wife, a POC, had that experience the OP described. Is it a microagression or objectively changing her mind based on more facts/experiences?

Why does she need more facts/experiences beyond those of her friend, who works in this field?!

+1

And why is she disagreeing without looking it up? A Google search would have been all it took to confirm OP's assertions. Why say you don't think it is true without any knowledge to back up your opinion? She could have said " I never knew that!" and then do her research to confirm.

She is a combative dummy at the very least. OP does not need to deal with that on a constant basis.

No one here is “combative” except some posters here and OP’s over the line long text message, which the friend handled superbly.

So what if OP’s statement was unknown to the friend and the friend said No way! Did an argument ensue? Was it combative!? Did an argument start when a passerbyer gave an anecdotal story? Do women of all colors get taken less seriously in whatever situation they were combatting about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So now we are obligated to agree with everything anyone says or else it’s a racist microaggression?

Geez I miss the 90s when everyone wasn’t so high-strung and constantly looking for ways to be offended.

Remember when friendly debates could simply end in “Whatever” and then everyone moved on? Sigh.

It isn't about agreeing with everything. It's fine if you disagree with me. But when someone else says the exact same thing 5 mins later, it makes you wonder, "why didn't she believe me?"

DP - I get that. But in this example, the man said his wife, a POC, had that experience the OP described. Is it a microagression or objectively changing her mind based on more facts/experiences?

Why does she need more facts/experiences beyond those of her friend, who works in this field?!

+1

And why is she disagreeing without looking it up? A Google search would have been all it took to confirm OP's assertions. Why say you don't think it is true without any knowledge to back up your opinion? She could have said " I never knew that!" and then do her research to confirm.

She is a combative dummy at the very least. OP does not need to deal with that on a constant basis.

No one here is “combative” except some posters here and OP’s over the line long text message, which the friend handled superbly.

So what if OP’s statement was unknown to the friend and the friend said No way! Did an argument ensue? Was it combative!? Did an argument start when a passerbyer gave an anecdotal story? Do women of all colors get taken less seriously in whatever situation they were combatting about?

Right on schedule, combative poster comes in to say no one is being combative.

This thread is like watching the Olympics of un-self awareness.

[Anonymous]

You were upfront and said what you felt. She felt differently and saud so. Moving forward, hopefully she should be more sensitive or friendship wouldn't stay the same. Texts are always confusing when it cones to relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So now we are obligated to agree with everything anyone says or else it’s a racist microaggression?

Geez I miss the 90s when everyone wasn’t so high-strung and constantly looking for ways to be offended.

Remember when friendly debates could simply end in “Whatever” and then everyone moved on? Sigh.

It isn't about agreeing with everything. It's fine if you disagree with me. But when someone else says the exact same thing 5 mins later, it makes you wonder, "why didn't she believe me?"

DP - I get that. But in this example, the man said his wife, a POC, had that experience the OP described. Is it a microagression or objectively changing her mind based on more facts/experiences?

Why does she need more facts/experiences beyond those of her friend, who works in this field?!

+1

And why is she disagreeing without looking it up? A Google search would have been all it took to confirm OP's assertions. Why say you don't think it is true without any knowledge to back up your opinion? She could have said " I never knew that!" and then do her research to confirm.

She is a combative dummy at the very least. OP does not need to deal with that on a constant basis.

No one here is “combative” except some posters here and OP’s over the line long text message, which the friend handled superbly.

So what if OP’s statement was unknown to the friend and the friend said No way! Did an argument ensue? Was it combative!? Did an argument start when a passerbyer gave an anecdotal story? Do women of all colors get taken less seriously in whatever situation they were combatting about?

When a statement is unknown to you, you nod and admit that you "never knew that." Then keep queit until you've had time to digest enough materials to have an intelligent discussion and/or ask questions. You don't dismiss statements that are unknown to you, especially when it concerns a topic that you should know, if that individual was truly a friend, is sensitive. You should be reasonable and empathetic, not dismissive about subjects that are important to your friends.

This is common sense, and you should approach most statements this way. For example, I am the poster who let a friend go because she said allergies would just go away if children were fed the stuff they were allergic to. After all, she continued, her generation did not have this many allergies. Imagine having a toddler ( first child) with a peanut allergy and your friend is telling you to just give your toddler peanuts and call it a day with this "allergy stuff". And my pediatrician was telling me to be especially careful with the peanut allergy because it was the most dangerous. She was unnecessarily dismissive. That is not how friends behave.

Additionally, OP indicated that this is not the first time this friend has acted this way. The friend is not a good one for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

First of all, the response said "Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression" so reread with that in mind. That poster said it's SO offensive to accuse someone of engaging in a microaggression and my response to that is the same - that is an idiotic argument to make. Truly. Just say it out loud to yourself a few times until you get it.

Second of all, OP is saying HOW SHE FELT. You don't get to dismiss her feelings. Who cares if there are multiple different points of view that white women have come up with on this thread? OP felt how she felt, and not just from this one encounter (so let's assume she knows more about this friend than you do, shall we?).

Third, spend some time with some self-reflection as to why you think it's worse for OP to tell someone how she FEELS as a woman of color than it is to possibly make the friend examine her interactions with OP and realize that she actually is a little bit racist.

I know, I know, you're so woke and you have so many black friends and you donate to the public school you don't send your kids to, etc. I get it. Congratulations. Now just sit quietly and ruminate a bit on why you think it's worse for a friend to tell another friend (in a private text!) how her behavior came across as a microaggression than for the friend to have engaged in such microaggression.

I'm not the PP that called it a moral transgression and I do agree that was OTT and, well, weird.

OP is here asking if people thought the text was rude or an overreaction, so maybe some part of her feels like she possibly went overboard. Plenty of posters think so. Using the word microaggression was a choice. It implies her friend is racist. She could have gotten the same point across by saying she felt hurt that her friend would believe a random person immediately even though OP has credentials and experience. If the friend is open-minded she might have reflected and considered the racial angle herself. If she's not the type of person that would do that the friendship is probably doomed anyway. By sending the message she did, it's almost inevitable the friend would get defensive and say it's not that.

To the posters that agree with OP's text, I would actually be curious what type of response you would want to see from the friend. What if the friend is truly puzzled and truly does not believe she was unconsciously being racist? How should she answer?

She should say “sorry black friend, next time you present facts about blacks in Black History Month I will not disagree without evidence to the contrary”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a Armenian women, I think you were wrong and rude.

About what and based on what

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a POC myself, from Uruguay. I don’t understand why terms like WOC are used here. Is that the norm in the DC area? Why are all minorities lumped together against the majority?

Troll.

Stop the race baiting. We all know what Subsaharan Africans think of AAs.

😔 do you even know where Uruguay is?

[Anonymous]

Op do you think all white people are smart? Did it ever occur to you that your friend is a bit dippy?

[Anonymous]

This thread is deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anytime someone says micro aggression I automatically think they are insecure and immature.

Next time try having a good time instead of being right. In a bar setting agreeable and anecdotal is more likely to encourage broader conversation and an enjoyable evening. Your text sounds like the conversation ruined your night and you felt the need to ruin another day or possibly the relationship over it.

Careful, your privilege is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

First of all, the response said "Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression" so reread with that in mind. That poster said it's SO offensive to accuse someone of engaging in a microaggression and my response to that is the same - that is an idiotic argument to make. Truly. Just say it out loud to yourself a few times until you get it.

Second of all, OP is saying HOW SHE FELT. You don't get to dismiss her feelings. Who cares if there are multiple different points of view that white women have come up with on this thread? OP felt how she felt, and not just from this one encounter (so let's assume she knows more about this friend than you do, shall we?).

Third, spend some time with some self-reflection as to why you think it's worse for OP to tell someone how she FEELS as a woman of color than it is to possibly make the friend examine her interactions with OP and realize that she actually is a little bit racist.

I know, I know, you're so woke and you have so many black friends and you donate to the public school you don't send your kids to, etc. I get it. Congratulations. Now just sit quietly and ruminate a bit on why you think it's worse for a friend to tell another friend (in a private text!) how her behavior came across as a microaggression than for the friend to have engaged in such microaggression.

I'm not the PP that called it a moral transgression and I do agree that was OTT and, well, weird.

OP is here asking if people thought the text was rude or an overreaction, so maybe some part of her feels like she possibly went overboard. Plenty of posters think so. Using the word microaggression was a choice. It implies her friend is racist. She could have gotten the same point across by saying she felt hurt that her friend would believe a random person immediately even though OP has credentials and experience. If the friend is open-minded she might have reflected and considered the racial angle herself. If she's not the type of person that would do that the friendship is probably doomed anyway. By sending the message she did, it's almost inevitable the friend would get defensive and say it's not that.

To the posters that agree with OP's text, I would actually be curious what type of response you would want to see from the friend. What if the friend is truly puzzled and truly does not believe she was unconsciously being racist? How should she answer?

OP felt that it was a microaggression. That's how she felt. She's entitled to feel that way! And one would hope that a FRIEND would want to know how OP is feeling. The fact that you keep twisting yourself into this position where the only thing a person of color can do when they feel like someone is committing a microaggression (or, apparently, even being flat out racist) is to REFLECT AND CONSIDER THAT THEY WERE BEING RACIST is wild. Do you even hear yourself? You're literally suggesting that someone who feels like they are being treated badly due to their race cannot ever actually SAY that. They can HINT at it and hope that the friend picks up on those hints and decides to spend some time on self reflection. FFS.

Also, what is the friend doesn't think she was being racist? If I were the friend, and I can tell you I would never intentionally say something racist or commit a microaggression, my response would have been to profusely apologize for making OP feel that way and to ask some questions about how my behavior was troublesome, had she witnessed other incidents of this with me, what can I do better, etc. I guess you and the other posters are either so effing thin skinned that you are so much more worried about your own feelings than you are about offending someone else, which I find to be so crazy. You must not have any friends of color, any friends who are gay, etc. I so, and I have always been interested in learning how my own privilege and bias can make me unintentionally say the wrong thing. I would NEVER want to hurt one of my friends, but since I'm not a person of color, and I'm not gay, I'm aware that my lived experience is very different from theirs and I should learn about that.

Break it down even simpler - I'm a woman and my husband is a man. Not once in his life has he been worried about being in a parking lot at night with a man nearby. Not once has it occurred to him to not leave his drink unattended at the bar. He never thought to tell his friends where he was going when he went out on dates. BUT because my husband isn't a jerk, he believes me when I tell him that my experience as a woman causes me to be wary in certain situations like that. He doesn't dismiss my feelings or tell me I'm wrong JUST BECAUSE HE NEVER FELT LIKE THAT. Which is exactly what you're doing to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Friend and I were at a public place (restaurant/bar) for drinks. I told her a fact based on things I know from my career field. She insisted I was incorrect. A man at the table behind us, turned around and said "actually, she is right. I have experienced [event/situation] to be the case as well".

For context, friend is a white woman and I am a WOC. I sent her a text later as follows:
"Hey, I just wanted to say that it really hurts when you don't listen to me on things that I quite literally do for a living. It's a bit of a microaggression to be honest that you immediately believe a random white man who presents anecdata over me, your friend who has a Master's in this topic. I'm not mad at you and I don't want to stop being friends with you. I just wanted to let you know how this comes across."

She replied "oh it's not like that...."

Am I overreacting?

You are.

Also, it’s not all about race. 🙄

+1

Yo literally just accused your friend - YOUR FRIEND - of racism. Why the heck would she want to continue a friendship with someone who thinks she’s racist when she knows she’s not.

I'm a White woman and I am so unbelievably annoyed by you stupid PPs who are likely also White women. You don't think FRIENDS can say racist things to their friends, especially if you're talking about something small, which is what OP was getting at? Wait wait, tell me how many Black friends you have. Tell me how many Black neighbors you have. You people are the worst.

When someone gets together with you to drop loaded statements, just smile & nod and GTFO at your earliest convenience.

So OP stating a fact relevant to her profession is dropping a loaded statement? Jeez you people are fragile.