Am I overreacting/rude with this text?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, why are the two of you friends with each other? It sounds like you are not compatible as friends and you are both kind of rude to each other and push each other's buttons.

Hush. All women are fake friends

sadly, this is kind of true

Sad for you maybe.

Yeah well I'm a guy but I grew up with 5 sisters so I notice things

I am not a fake friend. Maybe fifty percent of women are.

+1

I'm not a fake friend and neither are my female friends

The same women can be real friends to some of interested close fawning or bullying acquaintances to others. We’re in DC after all.

Un, no. I'm friends with genuine women. They don't treat anyone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yay! As a WOC, it is so nice to see people actually have our back for a change. 💕😍

Well, for what it's worth, this White woman is embarrassed by the replies I've seen here and I truly hope they're coming from trolls. OP, if you were my friend, I would hope you would let me know if I said something that came across as a microaggression to you, and I promise you my response would be an apology and an appreciation for the perspective. Anyone who says differently is an idiot. You can ALWAYS do better and you are NOT perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a POC lawyer, JD joint MBA from NYU, lead counsel in dozens of federal trials. I can't tell you how many times clients were skeptical of my advice until a 25 y.o. white associate confirmed what I had just said.

I'm a female lawyer, JD, LLM from Georgetown, Honors SLIP and DOJ attorney and I experienced the same for being a woman. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I were a WOC. Honestly, shame on most of you posters.

Are you being serious? You can’t possibly be what you just claimed because you’re being hilariously illogical.
As a highly educated WW, I experience mansplaining, he-peating, shunning in meetings only to see the offenders take my ideas and run with them. However, in my personal life, I wouldn’t think a friend is misogynistic or ageist for frequently second guessing me, and also they wouldn’t be my friend anymore long before I blurted my feelings by text.

[Anonymous]

As a POC myself, from Uruguay. I don’t understand why terms like WOC are used here. Is that the norm in the DC area? Why are all minorities lumped together against the majority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a POC myself, from Uruguay. I don’t understand why terms like WOC are used here. Is that the norm in the DC area? Why are all minorities lumped together against the majority?

Hey You. No lumping

WOC = Black woman, African American

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

First of all, the response said "Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression" so reread with that in mind. That poster said it's SO offensive to accuse someone of engaging in a microaggression and my response to that is the same - that is an idiotic argument to make. Truly. Just say it out loud to yourself a few times until you get it.

Second of all, OP is saying HOW SHE FELT. You don't get to dismiss her feelings. Who cares if there are multiple different points of view that white women have come up with on this thread? OP felt how she felt, and not just from this one encounter (so let's assume she knows more about this friend than you do, shall we?).

Third, spend some time with some self-reflection as to why you think it's worse for OP to tell someone how she FEELS as a woman of color than it is to possibly make the friend examine her interactions with OP and realize that she actually is a little bit racist.

I know, I know, you're so woke and you have so many black friends and you donate to the public school you don't send your kids to, etc. I get it. Congratulations. Now just sit quietly and ruminate a bit on why you think it's worse for a friend to tell another friend (in a private text!) how her behavior came across as a microaggression than for the friend to have engaged in such microaggression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a POC lawyer, JD joint MBA from NYU, lead counsel in dozens of federal trials. I can't tell you how many times clients were skeptical of my advice until a 25 y.o. white associate confirmed what I had just said.

I'm a female lawyer, JD, LLM from Georgetown, Honors SLIP and DOJ attorney and I experienced the same for being a woman. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I were a WOC. Honestly, shame on most of you posters.

Are you being serious? You can’t possibly be what you just claimed because you’re being hilariously illogical.
As a highly educated WW, I experience mansplaining, he-peating, shunning in meetings only to see the offenders take my ideas and run with them. However, in my personal life, I wouldn’t think a friend is misogynistic or ageist for frequently second guessing me, and also they wouldn’t be my friend anymore long before I blurted my feelings by text.

Yes, all of my statements above are true.

And the fact that you, as a white women, wouldn't think a friend is being misogynistic or ageist for second-guessing you is probably because you're not a POC and never experience what that feels like. But go ahead and tell OP how she should feel. This ought to be good. Enlighten us, oh white woman.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This forum is very racist OP. Towards East Asians, Indians, Hispanics, Jews, black people, Arabs, I could go on and on, so don’t listen to what they think.

+1

But also loves to virtue signal in the next breath.

Clearly there is also a widespread hatred of older white women. The constant bashing is racist, ageist and a million other things. But everyone thinks it’s totally fine.

The hatred that is shown to that group would be widely admonished if it was toward any other group of people.

+100.
WW, especially mothers, owe infinite care, forgiveness, patience, selflessness, emotional labor, actual labor, to absolutely everyone around us, in our home of course, but to our neighbors, at kids’ schools, in the office. Everyone gets the spoils and the promotions, we get second-guessing of our intentions, morals, abilities. I would have zero patience for OP’s paranoid opinions of her friend that escalated into a sad tantrum.

Lol. So you mean you are patient and selfless to other white people you are related to. Yeah sorry, that doesn't excuse your racism.

Huh? What racism did you get from my reply? Did you read racism in my being over everyone’s demanding BS? Do you always write “so you mean” and repeat the first fifth of what someone wrote, then indict them for not mentioning the other four fifths? Not smart.

Did you read your own post? Talking about how patient you are with everyone except WOC who challenge your self perceptions?

lol no. Right now, I’m patient with you. You’re twisting my words to shove guilt and doubt. Nothing says I’m patient with everyone but WOC. You have a problem, and I won’t carry it for you.

The irony of you calling OP paranoid! Keep digging in.

[Anonymous]

As a Iranian woman, I don’t think your wrong, but you could’ve been a little nicer, she is your friend after all. You might be overacting a little too because you weren’t clearly aware of her intentions. I think you owe her an apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:So now we are obligated to agree with everything anyone says or else it’s a racist microaggression?

Geez I miss the 90s when everyone wasn’t so high-strung and constantly looking for ways to be offended.

Remember when friendly debates could simply end in “Whatever” and then everyone moved on? Sigh.

It isn't about agreeing with everything. It's fine if you disagree with me. But when someone else says the exact same thing 5 mins later, it makes you wonder, "why didn't she believe me?"

DP - I get that. But in this example, the man said his wife, a POC, had that experience the OP described. Is it a microagression or objectively changing her mind based on more facts/experiences?

Why does she need more facts/experiences beyond those of her friend, who works in this field?!

+1

And why is she disagreeing without looking it up? A Google search would have been all it took to confirm OP's assertions. Why say you don't think it is true without any knowledge to back up your opinion? She could have said " I never knew that!" and then do her research to confirm.

She is a combative dummy at the very least. OP does not need to deal with that on a constant basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

No, there are not many possible reasons. The friend is either racist or obtuse. Either way, OP has to move on. Sending texts to these kinds is a waste of energy.

You give the benefit of the doubt to a friend who uses a wrong word, for example, not to someone who will dismiss facts without bothering to do any research. That is not a friend. That's an adversary. You can interact with those kinds in classrooms and on message boards like this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP was rude to share her feelings. OP if I were your friend I would want to know, and apologize. She sounds too defensive and lacking in accountability.

+1

If you can’t tell your friend this, who can you tell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a POC lawyer, JD joint MBA from NYU, lead counsel in dozens of federal trials. I can't tell you how many times clients were skeptical of my advice until a 25 y.o. white associate confirmed what I had just said.

It’s called statistics and pattern recognition PP. Layer in some “lived experiences” too and that’s how people will react to you, statistically.

So instead of harping here go harp about how unacceptable the lack of accountability with graduation rates, incarceration rates, absentee father rates, petty crime rates, drug addict rates, homicide rates etc.

Alternatively, don’t say a peep. And continue to reap the benefits of being a high SES educated minority within a minority gifted admit and hiring status galore to make up for the fact that no one has the balls to address the huge low SES majority within your minority status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be annoyed at your friend too. BUT you basically told your friend that you thinks she is racist. That's a really loaded accusation to make, especially when there are other possible explanations. For instance, maybe she still believes she is right, but didn't want to argue with a stranger who inserted himself in your conversation (weird).

If I had a friend who accused me of racism, I would feel mortified. I would apolgzie and certainly reflect on my behavior. Probably wouldn't be able to move forward though because I would feel to anxious to be around you.

Accusing a white person of being racist or accusing them of micro aggressions has now become a moral transgression. It is kind of like telling your friend that she is liar or a thief. The topic has become so loaded that it is difficult to engage in an honest conversation.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Did you literally just say that because it is so, so awful to point out to someone that what they said was racist, we should just NOT do that because it'll hurt their feelings more than it would hurt a person of color to hear the statement? Are you for real?

To be fair, the friend did not "say something racist." It being racist is an inference based on the OP being a POC and the other person being white, but there are many other possible reasons that have been discussed why the friend acted that way that are race-neutral. So this right is what people are taking issue with, the assumption they are racist because they reacted a certain why. I understand why OP feels the way she does in this context, but we also don't know if the friend is contrarian all the time, with everyone, and clams up when challenged by a third party. We can't assume the friend is racist and deserves to be called out.

No, there are not many possible reasons. The friend is either racist or obtuse. Either way, OP has to move on. Sending texts to these kinds is a waste of energy.

You give the benefit of the doubt to a friend who uses a wrong word, for example, not to someone who will dismiss facts without bothering to do any research. That is not a friend. That's an adversary. You can interact with those kinds in classrooms and on message boards like this one.

Balls to bollucks the “facts” brought up at the drinks was some controversial victimization theme presented by OP for a “gotcha” convo.

Good times Op, good times. You must be an utter blast to hang out with. Better stick to your perception bubble next time.