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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?[/quote]

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.[/quote]

Really?  I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant.  I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.  [/quote]

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation. [/quote]

I will!  I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.  
[/quote]

But why do you assume a fight?  It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts.  Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really.  Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.  [/quote]

The situation is completely neutral.  I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.  
Spouse A [b]threatened[/b] to leave early, then [b]pulled the trigger[/b] and left early in [b]frustration[/b].  Then tried to [b]embarrass[/b] spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right?  But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.  [/quote]

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things. [/quote]

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich.  But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong.  There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

[/quote]

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?[/quote]

No.  Spouse A is free to go ahead and be on time.  He can even frame it as a kind thing that he’s doing (take your time and take an Uber.  I’ll meet you there!).  
I’m sure that spouse B will be more likely to show consideration later if Spouse A is nice to her.  [/quote]

So pretend not to find it rude and annoying when really it is?

What about all the drama of "you abandoned me, you chose them over me"?[/quote]

I posted earlier that my husband is a surgeon and often late.  I don’t find it rude and annoying, although I could choose to look at it that way. 
 Spouse A doesn’t have to find this rude and annoying either.  That’s a choice.

I didn’t see anywhere that Spouse B had a bunch of drama about being abandoned.  Only that they were upset that Spouse A got angry and tried to embarrass them.  [/quote]

Thank goodness you're not the surgeon.

There is a difference between being late because of something outside of your control and being late because you can't be bothered to get somewhere on time.

And Spouse A didn't get angry or try to embarrass Spouse B.[/quote]

The difference is literally only in your mind.  The behavior in visible reality is the same.

And Spouse A literally said he threatened to leave, then left in anger.     [/quote]

He threatened to leave and then followed through.  You weren’t entitled to be habitually late without triggering anger in someone. He is entitled to his feelings.[/quote]

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