Spouse Lets DD Ghost My Mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

People have to be good humans. Then, people want to visit you.

It's not your spouse's job to make your kid talk to your mom. If you are going to force someone to do something, don't pawn that off on your wife.

You can't scare me with the assisted living. I've been supporting and visiting family members in those places longer than you have. Currently, the parent in AL has the depends, the bed pads that keep poop off the sheets, and so on because of me. I buy all that.

So take your scare tactics somewhere else. They won't work with me. I've sat with many a dying relative until the bitter end. Never minded doing it for the nice ones.

BS!!!!!! No way you do any of that and so adamantly oppose a 5 min phone call.

Learn that "it's just..." is a manipulation tactic. "it's just a 5 min phone call" No, it's a call the kid said she didn't want to make.

Instead of steamrolling her, try to understand why. Whining that "it's just..." is a weak person's trick.

I know, honey. Life is so hard for your generation. Everyone is either a narcissist or a manipulator or controlling. You were all abused and mistreated. No one ever lifted a finger for you. It's like you're completely incapable of having an independent thought.

You can't even hold space for the PP's point without barfing out these generational tropes and stereotypes.

That's a you problem. Get help with it, if needed.

Because you are the poster child of your generation. Perhaps try to be a little more thoughtful and less of a cliché and then you won't feel so called out by the "older generation."

For funsies, since you're making these assumptions about me: what generation am I?

A lot of y'all make up whole characters to hate on this forum. I find it hard to believe that your projections and strawmanning stops here.

Why, so you could come back and say "you're so wrong!" and we will just have to take your word for it? It's plainly obvious what generation you are. Take that however you will.

Didn't quite catch the point, did you? You don't know the first thing about me.

I know that you can't make a sound argument, which is why you resort to this juvenile behavior. Please heal. You could be so much happier as a fully-formed adult someday.

I know what you wrote to project to the world how you want us to see you. Perhaps project nicer things about yourself so we won't come to such damning conclusions?

1) who goes around making "damning conclusions" about anons on an anon board? What sort of person does that?
2) why should I give the smallest of fscks what you think, based on your limited intellectual capacity and seemingly willful trolling?

You are always free to stop responding to me since you don't care about what I think. I'm free to make conclusions about you based on what you say.

Can't/won't answer the first bit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Yes. Call grandma some other time, it doesn’t need to be on a schedule that blocks errands, etc. grandma isn’t so busy she can’t talk a different 5 minutes of the week.

OP here. Didn't see thin blowing up.

My mother's calls aren't blocking anything. It's the opposite. If she texts our family chat and says "Talk at 4 on Sunday?" my wife will 'accidentally' be at the store with my DD

Why does she do that? What is her reasoning?

Why does my mother do this? Because she wants to talk to her son and grand kids.

Why does my wife do this? Because she is purposefully aiding our daughter in not talking with her grandma. Mostly she does this because she is a control freak, conflict adverse and a crappy mom. She has always been bad about parenting. She'd let them skip school every day if I allowed it.

Your poor kids. TWO controlling parents and a controlling grandmother. Why are you still married with this level of contempt? I'm married 20 years with two teens and I'm killing time here waiting for DH to hang up his work call so I can jump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:please don’t force your children to do this. it’s awful. And you are the horrible one if you think it’s ok-your children will resent both you and the grandparent. Ask me how I know.

I'm sorry your boundaries weren't respected, PP.

Listening to all these posts saying "just force her" is retraumatizing for me, too.

OP will figure it out. Hopefully the easy way. Probably the hard way.

What a bunch of fragile flowers who can’t take a 5 minute FaceTime conversation. Oh the trauma!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Grandma and mom doesn't get along and DD stands with her own mother not yours? Your irrational anger towards her mother would ruin your relationship with your own daughter.

This. Pay attention, OP. Your relationship with your kid is gonna be around a lot longer than your relationship with your mom.

DD will need her dad a lot more than he needs her in the next 10 years. The wife is a fool for not seeing this. Stand offs like this are how estrangements begin. Hope the little brat is ready for a life without a dad.

HOLY SHIT!!!

Are you seriously suggesting that if the DD doesn't comply immediately, OP should become estranged from her?! What sort of unholy nonsense are you on?!

That's mental. "Hope the little brat is ready for a life without a dad". Who even talks that way. You need serious reparenting yourself.

What a horrifically telling statement to make about your own character. That's not even about this thread, it's about you being deeply damaged.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't even read all the pages because I was so shocked by some of these responses. A short weekly call with your old, lonely grandmother is the right thing to do (short of serious issues that we have no indication exist here). Bonus points for helping kids practice the skills of making polite conversation. I get where DD is coming from -- I was not immune to bucking at family obligations in my youth -- but I do think it is appropriate to enforce this de minimis gesture (though agree with those who said the timing could maybe be more flexible). If DW is really deliberately trying to help DD skip out on the calls -- again, absent serious issues -- that strikes me as a values mismatch -- you value family and community in different ways. It's the kind of thing that might have given me pause pre-marriage, though probably not a basis to blow your lives up now -- thought it would hurt my feelings if my spouse were so cavalier about something they know is important to me (have you explained to her?) and it would be an issue to address. But just give your mom a call when DD is home with you -- and stay on the call to help the conversation flow and maybe to keep an eye on the dynamic, in case there is an issue your daughter isn't forthcoming about (my MIL has a near-obsession with weight and appearance that can make conversations very difficult for my teens). I wouldn't make my kids talk to someone who is always carping on them or criticizing their appearance, though depending on the level of hatefulness involved I might in that case still try some alternative avenue of building and honoring the relationship -- maybe sending emails/postcards or something.

But if DD just doesn't like facetime/thinks granny is boring/would rather be watching tv/whatever, I think it is perfectly appropriate to ask (and insist) that she spend a tiny amount of time weekly doing something nice for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:please don’t force your children to do this. it’s awful. And you are the horrible one if you think it’s ok-your children will resent both you and the grandparent. Ask me how I know.

I'm sorry your boundaries weren't respected, PP.

Listening to all these posts saying "just force her" is retraumatizing for me, too.

OP will figure it out. Hopefully the easy way. Probably the hard way.

What a bunch of fragile flowers who can’t take a 5 minute FaceTime conversation. Oh the trauma!

People who talk like this often need the most kindness, because they're responding from their own damage.

I hope you heal, pp. Truly. Nobody happy talks that way. I wish you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't even read all the pages because I was so shocked by some of these responses. A short weekly call with your old, lonely grandmother is the right thing to do (short of serious issues that we have no indication exist here). Bonus points for helping kids practice the skills of making polite conversation. I get where DD is coming from -- I was not immune to bucking at family obligations in my youth -- but I do think it is appropriate to enforce this de minimis gesture (though agree with those who said the timing could maybe be more flexible). If DW is really deliberately trying to help DD skip out on the calls -- again, absent serious issues -- that strikes me as a values mismatch -- you value family and community in different ways. It's the kind of thing that might have given me pause pre-marriage, though probably not a basis to blow your lives up now -- thought it would hurt my feelings if my spouse were so cavalier about something they know is important to me (have you explained to her?) and it would be an issue to address. But just give your mom a call when DD is home with you -- and stay on the call to help the conversation flow and maybe to keep an eye on the dynamic, in case there is an issue your daughter isn't forthcoming about (my MIL has a near-obsession with weight and appearance that can make conversations very difficult for my teens). I wouldn't make my kids talk to someone who is always carping on them or criticizing their appearance, though depending on the level of hatefulness involved I might in that case still try some alternative avenue of building and honoring the relationship -- maybe sending emails/postcards or something.

But if DD just doesn't like facetime/thinks granny is boring/would rather be watching tv/whatever, I think it is perfectly appropriate to ask (and insist) that she spend a tiny amount of time weekly doing something nice for someone else.

...

cool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely do not want to be on a group chat or speakerphone call with my husband and his parents. I noped right out of that somewhere around my first wedding anniversary.

SAME, girl. I like my ILs but only because I don’t have to talk to them that often. That way I have plenty to catch up on when they visit, too. Helps pass the time!

Good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good In-Laws.

Oh, FFS. IT'S A 5 MINUTE PHONE CALL. AGAIN. IT'S A FIVE MINUTE PHONE CALL. SAY IT OUTLOUD. IT'S NOT A BOUNDARY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Yes. Call grandma some other time, it doesn’t need to be on a schedule that blocks errands, etc. grandma isn’t so busy she can’t talk a different 5 minutes of the week.

OP here. Didn't see thin blowing up.

My mother's calls aren't blocking anything. It's the opposite. If she texts our family chat and says "Talk at 4 on Sunday?" my wife will 'accidentally' be at the store with my DD

Why does she do that? What is her reasoning?

Why does my mother do this? Because she wants to talk to her son and grand kids.

Why does my wife do this? Because she is purposefully aiding our daughter in not talking with her grandma. Mostly she does this because she is a control freak, conflict adverse and a crappy mom. She has always been bad about parenting. She'd let them skip school every day if I allowed it.

Your poor kids. TWO controlling parents and a controlling grandmother. Why are you still married with this level of contempt? I'm married 20 years with two teens and I'm killing time here waiting for DH to hang up his work call so I can jump him.

This is the way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely do not want to be on a group chat or speakerphone call with my husband and his parents. I noped right out of that somewhere around my first wedding anniversary.

SAME, girl. I like my ILs but only because I don’t have to talk to them that often. That way I have plenty to catch up on when they visit, too. Helps pass the time!

Good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good In-Laws.

Oh, FFS. IT'S A 5 MINUTE PHONE CALL. AGAIN. IT'S A FIVE MINUTE PHONE CALL. SAY IT OUTLOUD. IT'S NOT A BOUNDARY.

Clearly not. She's not allowed to draw boundaries, even about a 5-minute phone call.

All caps all you like. That argument cuts both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

People have to be good humans. Then, people want to visit you.

It's not your spouse's job to make your kid talk to your mom. If you are going to force someone to do something, don't pawn that off on your wife.

You can't scare me with the assisted living. I've been supporting and visiting family members in those places longer than you have. Currently, the parent in AL has the depends, the bed pads that keep poop off the sheets, and so on because of me. I buy all that.

So take your scare tactics somewhere else. They won't work with me. I've sat with many a dying relative until the bitter end. Never minded doing it for the nice ones.

BS!!!!!! No way you do any of that and so adamantly oppose a 5 min phone call.

Learn that "it's just..." is a manipulation tactic. "it's just a 5 min phone call" No, it's a call the kid said she didn't want to make.

Instead of steamrolling her, try to understand why. Whining that "it's just..." is a weak person's trick.

I know, honey. Life is so hard for your generation. Everyone is either a narcissist or a manipulator or controlling. You were all abused and mistreated. No one ever lifted a finger for you. It's like you're completely incapable of having an independent thought.

You can't even hold space for the PP's point without barfing out these generational tropes and stereotypes.

That's a you problem. Get help with it, if needed.

Because you are the poster child of your generation. Perhaps try to be a little more thoughtful and less of a cliché and then you won't feel so called out by the "older generation."

For funsies, since you're making these assumptions about me: what generation am I?

A lot of y'all make up whole characters to hate on this forum. I find it hard to believe that your projections and strawmanning stops here.

Why, so you could come back and say "you're so wrong!" and we will just have to take your word for it? It's plainly obvious what generation you are. Take that however you will.

DP, but I knew you wouldn't answer. Because you can't. You're a sad little prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:please don’t force your children to do this. it’s awful. And you are the horrible one if you think it’s ok-your children will resent both you and the grandparent. Ask me how I know.

I'm sorry your boundaries weren't respected, PP.

Listening to all these posts saying "just force her" is retraumatizing for me, too.

OP will figure it out. Hopefully the easy way. Probably the hard way.

What a bunch of fragile flowers who can’t take a 5 minute FaceTime conversation. Oh the trauma!

People who talk like this often need the most kindness, because they're responding from their own damage.

I hope you heal, pp. Truly. Nobody happy talks that way. I wish you peace.

That’s all you got?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely do not want to be on a group chat or speakerphone call with my husband and his parents. I noped right out of that somewhere around my first wedding anniversary.

SAME, girl. I like my ILs but only because I don’t have to talk to them that often. That way I have plenty to catch up on when they visit, too. Helps pass the time!

Good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good In-Laws.

Oh, FFS. IT'S A 5 MINUTE PHONE CALL. AGAIN. IT'S A FIVE MINUTE PHONE CALL. SAY IT OUTLOUD. IT'S NOT A BOUNDARY.

Clearly not. She's not allowed to draw boundaries, even about a 5-minute phone call.

All caps all you like. That argument cuts both ways.

Right? Funny how it's "just a 5-minute phone call" when they want to force her to do it, but not obviously the same 5-minute phone call when she doesn't want to.

Granny's not gonna die of loneliness over a missed call, and reasonable dads don't disown their kids over one, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:please don’t force your children to do this. it’s awful. And you are the horrible one if you think it’s ok-your children will resent both you and the grandparent. Ask me how I know.

I'm sorry your boundaries weren't respected, PP.

Listening to all these posts saying "just force her" is retraumatizing for me, too.

OP will figure it out. Hopefully the easy way. Probably the hard way.

What a bunch of fragile flowers who can’t take a 5 minute FaceTime conversation. Oh the trauma!

People who talk like this often need the most kindness, because they're responding from their own damage.

I hope you heal, pp. Truly. Nobody happy talks that way. I wish you peace.

That’s all you got?

Yep. Nothing but love for you, PP. Be well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely do not want to be on a group chat or speakerphone call with my husband and his parents. I noped right out of that somewhere around my first wedding anniversary.

SAME, girl. I like my ILs but only because I don’t have to talk to them that often. That way I have plenty to catch up on when they visit, too. Helps pass the time!

Good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good In-Laws.

Oh, FFS. IT'S A 5 MINUTE PHONE CALL. AGAIN. IT'S A FIVE MINUTE PHONE CALL. SAY IT OUTLOUD. IT'S NOT A BOUNDARY.

Clearly not. She's not allowed to draw boundaries, even about a 5-minute phone call.

All caps all you like. That argument cuts both ways.

Right? Funny how it's "just a 5-minute phone call" when they want to force her to do it, but not obviously the same 5-minute phone call when she doesn't want to.

Granny's not gonna die of loneliness over a missed call, and reasonable dads don't disown their kids over one, either.

And the DD isn’t going to die of anything by calling her grandmother. See how that works?