Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes, because they're a married couple and care about each other and care about their kids. Her day just got way harder and he thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger? No thank you. He can step up. Not just ignore her and proceed with his day. It's really rude.

The ages of the kids are not snow day compatible, the 4yo should get to play in the snow but an infant shouldn't be outside that long. And it's hard to keep a 4yo quiet during all three infant naps. Being a good parent means the dad steps up to handle some of this.

But they did talk about it! The wife knew he had presentations that day. Then the snow happened but why would that affect his work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard juggling a newborn and toddler. Really really hard.

What are your plans when the wife goes back to work?

I would bring in nanny earlier.

DH is a surgeon so he worked out of the house. We had our kids when he was in residency so he was working 80 hours. When he walked in the door, he took the baby.

OP, you should take the baby from 5pm to bedtime at a bare minimum AND clean up, cook, etc every night. Give your wife a small break. You should also hire help.

OP is working from 9-5, as is his wife.
Why should OP solely cover "second shift" from 5pm to bedtime? They should be equal participants in the second shift work.

Pp here. Adjusting to two kids is very difficult. I was totally sleep deprived and exhausted. I now have 3 kids and going from 2 to 3 was easier than 1 to 2. I had a 2 year old and newborn.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes there is a discussion to be had. That’s the whole point - assuming your wife will just be the default caregiver is a huge issue down the line.

Read the OP - they talked about it. They had a discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

THEY LITERALLY HAD THAT CONVERSATION

From the OP:

Our quarterly planning meeting was this past week. Due to my new role, I was told that I only needed to be involved in one days worth of meetings. It didn’t make sense to travel cross country for one day, so fortunately I could join remotely. Unfortunately, the one day would involve two presentations that I’d be giving to different csuite members, so I felt it necessary to spend a great deal of time preparing these presentations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

He said all those things

You have to make up facts to make your point - what does that tell you?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes there is a discussion to be had. That’s the whole point - assuming your wife will just be the default caregiver is a huge issue down the line.

She’s on maternity leave today. Down the line, when she returns, things will be different. Today the wife is the default caregiver.

No, she’s not. he’s the parent too.

She is the DEFAULT parent because she is home full time right now. Why is that so hard for you to grasp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to her that you need to keep your job and ideally advance so that your kids have a better life than you have. People on this board act like careers are just optional hobbies and one spouse having a career is primarily an inconvenience for the other spouse.

She has a job too. The issue is men who believe their job is the most important thing in the household by default.

She does have a job - taking care of her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes there is a discussion to be had. That’s the whole point - assuming your wife will just be the default caregiver is a huge issue down the line.

She’s on maternity leave today. Down the line, when she returns, things will be different. Today the wife is the default caregiver.

No, she’s not. he’s the parent too.

She is the DEFAULT parent because she is home full time right now. Why is that so hard for you to grasp?

That’s not actually how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

He didn't say that he -didn't- say those things to her. Given how involved he otherwise is, I suspect he -did- tell her he had this work today.

But you're suggesting that he should have not only mentioned the extra work to his wife, but also had a conversation about -who- was going to handle what childcare that day. You indicated that OP was an ass for assuming his wife, while on maternity leave, would handle a 5-hour stretch of watching both kids while he worked. You said that he should have brought it up with her, with the expectation that it was TBD what spouse was handling what during that 5 hours. That's unreasonable. When you literally have a spouse around who is not working that day.

I think you are talking to multiple people.
But I don’t see anywhere that anyone said that it was TBD who should watch the kids. Only that a conversation should have been had about what the plan was that day.

You are assuming that there was a conversation, but I think it’s entirely possible that the OP does NOT share all of the ins and outs of his work with his wife, he didn’t talk to her about what was going on that day, and she isn’t a lunatic.

Well, if you'd read the OP you'd see you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

He didn't say that he -didn't- say those things to her. Given how involved he otherwise is, I suspect he -did- tell her he had this work today.

But you're suggesting that he should have not only mentioned the extra work to his wife, but also had a conversation about -who- was going to handle what childcare that day. You indicated that OP was an ass for assuming his wife, while on maternity leave, would handle a 5-hour stretch of watching both kids while he worked. You said that he should have brought it up with her, with the expectation that it was TBD what spouse was handling what during that 5 hours. That's unreasonable. When you literally have a spouse around who is not working that day.

I think you are talking to multiple people.
But I don’t see anywhere that anyone said that it was TBD who should watch the kids. Only that a conversation should have been had about what the plan was that day.

You are assuming that there was a conversation, but I think it’s entirely possible that the OP does NOT share all of the ins and outs of his work with his wife, he didn’t talk to her about what was going on that day, and she isn’t a lunatic.

Serious question - what’s to discuss, you acknowledge it’s not TBD on who takes care of the kids.

There is 0% chance that OP is writing multiple paragraphs here and not talking to his wife. Some of you are nuts. I kind of believe this is all made up to keep the conversation going.

A lot of people aren’t great at communicating with their spouse. I mean, there was one text between them all day while he was doing these meetings, and it was from her to him. He definitely wasn’t texting or telling her that things were crazy that day.

If he talked to her like an equal and not an employee, they could have made a plan together to make sure that she was out of his hair while he was doing these important meetings. But in all of the paragraphs he wrote, there is no indication of a conversation.

He said they have quarterly planning meetings and he mentioned this one day of presentations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re both wrong. If you have a hard stop at 5, you need to stop at 5, JUST LIKE EVERY MOM IN THE WORLD WHO WORKS AND DOES DAYCARE PICK UP. Why is that hard to understand?

I sympathize with OP but I do agree with this part. Both my husband and I have been responsible for leaving work at a particular time to get our kids and there is no gray area there. You log off when you need to and go get your kids.

Now we both work from home, so while our agreement is that we all meet with the kids in the kitchen at 5:30 to make dinner and feed the dogs if everyone is at home (our kids are older now), one of us not showing up for that isn't that big of a deal so we're pretty understanding if something came up. But picking kids up from daycare is no joke and you don't have the room to be 5-10 minutes late. If I were you, I would apologize for that and make a bigger effort going forward. Her taking the 3-month old isn't an option - that's a lot of work to get the baby ready and in the car - so you need to honor your commitment to a 5 pm stop time even if it means you do log on later.

It absolutely is. Parents do it every day. She (and apparently you) don’t want to do it, but it is indeed an option.

It's not an option if she needs to leave at 5 to make it to daycare before it closes and doesn't have the baby ready to go. If she KNEW she had to take the baby, she could plan ahead for that. If she didn't and wasn't planning to, the baby could be asleep, etc. Clearly you've never had a hard deadline to pick up a kid in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it important to note that OP’S WIFE IS NOT A SAHM. She is on maternity leave (sounds like she is on month 3 of a 4 month leave, as OP said she is returning to work in one month). I don’t understand why people are speaking as if the wife stays home- she does not.

That is why older kid is in preschool.. It is used for childcare. Normally parents would not pull the older child out of childcare during a maternity leave- as the spot may be lost.

The wife is probably trying to establish precedent in terms of the division of labor, given she is returning to work FT in one month. With a lot of men/dads of young kids….it is all too easy to fall into the “mom works FT but does the majority of childcare also” trap. Better to be firm and set boundaries in the beginning (and ultimately better for the marriage as well). Now is she going overboard? Maybe. But we only have the husband’s side of the story here. Many will exaggerate & claim to do a whole lot of childcare and household chores while the wife might have a different take.

I do agree that it is ridiculous (very bizarre) that the infant cannot be brought along for preschool drop off and pickup.

Ah, so she hasn't gone through the special training to be a SAHM and therefore isn't capable of taking care of both her kids during a snow day. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re both wrong. If you have a hard stop at 5, you need to stop at 5, JUST LIKE EVERY MOM IN THE WORLD WHO WORKS AND DOES DAYCARE PICK UP. Why is that hard to understand?

I sympathize with OP but I do agree with this part. Both my husband and I have been responsible for leaving work at a particular time to get our kids and there is no gray area there. You log off when you need to and go get your kids.

Now we both work from home, so while our agreement is that we all meet with the kids in the kitchen at 5:30 to make dinner and feed the dogs if everyone is at home (our kids are older now), one of us not showing up for that isn't that big of a deal so we're pretty understanding if something came up. But picking kids up from daycare is no joke and you don't have the room to be 5-10 minutes late. If I were you, I would apologize for that and make a bigger effort going forward. Her taking the 3-month old isn't an option - that's a lot of work to get the baby ready and in the car - so you need to honor your commitment to a 5 pm stop time even if it means you do log on later.

It absolutely is. Parents do it every day. She (and apparently you) don’t want to do it, but it is indeed an option.

It's not an option if she needs to leave at 5 to make it to daycare before it closes and doesn't have the baby ready to go. If she KNEW she had to take the baby, she could plan ahead for that. If she didn't and wasn't planning to, the baby could be asleep, etc. Clearly you've never had a hard deadline to pick up a kid in the DC area.

The daycare doesn’t close at 5. None of them close at 5. OP’s wife is a complete and total diva incapable of watching her two children. That is the long and short of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggled with work life balance early in my career, but things have improved since I started working 100% remote for a company based on the west coast.There’s a flexible culture around time off, which has been great to spend more time with our two kids (4yrs, 3 months). As a result, I never work/take my laptop with me on vacations or work on weekends. Sometimes I’ll work in the evenings to catch up on stuff, but I’ll do that when wife/kids have gone to sleep. I have to travel to our home office once a quarter for 4 days at a time for planning meetings, but I usually schedule my flights to minimize impact to family life (leave late Sunday afternoon, return Thursday night or Friday am on red eye). Another plus is that I’m able to attend daytime events at our 4 yr olds school, which is really meaningful to me.

DW is still on maternity leave for another month with the 3 month old, while our four year olds preschool is a 5 min drive.

Due to most of my coworkers being west coast based, mornings are slow, so I’ll take the 4 year old to preschool. At 5 PM, DW leaves to pick 4 yo up, and I take over with 3 mo old. However, it’s not uncommon to have lots of requests and meeting in the afternoon, so sometimes I won’t sign off until like 5:05 or 5:10, which bothers DW because she likes to pick up 4 yo at a consistent time.

I recently moved into a management role, which has me much busier during the day, in and out of lots of meetings, and doing admin work in my downtime. As a result, a lot of days, I’ll only have time for a quick lunch, which means I don’t have the time to do the household tasks I was able to do before (folding laundry, dishes, etc) When I come down and eat quickly, DW always remarks something like “you want to spend some time with your kid?”

However, things came to a head this week with DW and I regrading work life balance. Our quarterly planning meeting was this past week. Due to my new role, I was told that I only needed to be involved in one days worth of meetings. It didn’t make sense to travel cross country for one day, so fortunately I could join remotely. Unfortunately, the one day would involve two presentations that I’d be giving to different csuite members, so I felt it necessary to spend a great deal of time preparing these presentations.

Of course, the day I was scheduled to give these presentations, the shit hit the fan on the home and work front. Our 4 year olds school had a snow day so she was home, which is always a challenge. ILs are local and they’d normally help in this situation, but they were out of town. I helped out with the kids for about an hour in the morning, but then lots of work related fires had to be put out, which resulted being called into meeting, which then dovetailed into my presentations for the csuite. I basically didn’t leave my desk for 5 straight hours, which, I can’t stress enough, is incredibly rare, even in my new position. Along the way in this madness, DW texted me “we’re all doing great down here, thanks for checking in!”

A day later, DW tells me that she feels that I have an unhealthily work life balance, and I’m not prioritizing our family’s needs over work. She pointed out that she would drop everything at work if it was a snow day, so why shouldn’t I do the same. I see her point, but at the same time, this was an impossibly unusual circumstance, and I can’t just not attend a meeting where I’m presenting to the csuite.

I guess I just don’t know what she is expecting of me. Yes, I can work harder to ensure that I log off by 5, but at the end of the day, I think my situation is really great. I know many other people in much worse situations (having to go into an office, lots of travel, regularly working on vacations). I’m truly trying to understand my wife here, but I just don’t understand how one very bad day, along with signing off 5-10 minutes after 5 pm equates to not prioritizing my family over work. Am I totally off base here?

Your wife is a selfish, spoiled brat.

This. She actually expected that because it was a snow day, you should drop your presentation? Does she want you to quit? You need to ask her this. Honestly, this crap makes me just shocked at the younger generations’ work ethic. Like this is insane. You have a JOB that you presumably need, yes? It’s not just a minor inconvenience or a vanity hobby? Insane gen x women are like this, so hellbent on getting full equality for even the most banal happenings and then are surprised when their partner ends up being underemployed and they are broke. Ask her if she wants to be broke and what the plan is. She’s a nut, though and an incompetent one, and I’d be terrified about her return to work.

My read on that was that she wanted him to shoot her a text that said, “Just checking in. How are things going?”

Just implying that he thought or cared about her at all.

That’s clearly not what she was fishing for at all.

Regardless, why would she need a check in during the work day? Conversely, why wasn’t the dh checking in on OP on his big day of presenting for the c suite? Seems like his day was a bigger day than hers. Long story short is she needs to grow up

It doesn’t sound to me like she knew about that. We know about it because we are getting his point of view.

Do you have trouble reading?

He was supposed to go to CA but didn't have to. They discussed that. So she knew he had presentations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes, because they're a married couple and care about each other and care about their kids. Her day just got way harder and he thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger? No thank you. He can step up. Not just ignore her and proceed with his day. It's really rude.

The ages of the kids are not snow day compatible, the 4yo should get to play in the snow but an infant shouldn't be outside that long. And it's hard to keep a 4yo quiet during all three infant naps. Being a good parent means the dad steps up to handle some of this.

But they did talk about it! The wife knew he had presentations that day. Then the snow happened but why would that affect his work?

You really hit the nail on the head here. Snow happening USUALLY AFFECTS YOUR WORK IF YOU ARE A PARENT. It affected her day with the baby, big time.

I don’t even disagree that in this situation, the parent on maternity leave steps up and covers the snow day fully and without complaint.

The fact that that didn’t happen is an alarm bell that either she’s overwhelmed (which should be a problem for them both even if he thinks she’s weak or whatever) or she’s fighting back against an imbalance she knows will outlast maternity leave.