Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I feel like so many people skimmed this very important part in the original post

DW is still on maternity leave for another month with the 3 month old, while our four year olds preschool is a 5 min drive.

If OPs DW is on mat leave, that means she has a job to go back to. In a month. And OP has had the benefit of having everyone home for 2 months. OPs DW is trying to make sure *before she goes back to work* that not all the work is going to fall on her when she does go back to work. Because things should be at their easiest now, but there seems to still be a lot of flex to OP. That shows that when things start to get tough, there is going to be more flex, and the DW is probably going to be the one making up the time. Yeah, I know some of you have super egalitarian relationships here, but the responses actually prove differently.

I see this DW. She says kid needs to be picked up at 410 - then already pushing it. Which means that eventually it will be kid needs to be picked up at 430, and the delays grow bigger, oh so DW, you’re already on your way home, can you pick them up? Death by papercuts. Next she’s called the martyr for doing everything because there’s no option, she’s lost herself and everyone hates her because she has a man who won’t.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

He works 10-5:10. That's barely full time. He SHOULD be doing more.

He IS doing more. He takes his 4 year old to daycare every morning during what most of us would consider typical work hours. And he is clearly involved as soon as his workday ends at 5, because he was aware on this particular snow day that his extra 10 minutes of work really messed up his wife's expectations. Clearly he is involved on typical days, or his wife wouldn't have lost her mind when he had the audacity to work for a 5 hour stretch without relieving her.

But he's not working during those hours, so it's no big sacrifice on his part. Honestly he should do everything before work--breakfasts, packing backpacks, etc. Starting at 10 is crazy late.

Why on earth does he have to do “everything” until 10? I really don’t understand you people. You are insane. No wonder nobody wants to have kids. This hot potatoing of kids and bean counting of their care is honestly horrifying. These poor children.

So what, mom is just on duty 24-7 with the kids?

Her older kid goes to daycare every day! The younger one is 3 months old which is basically the easiest age your kid is EVER going to be: they sleep and wake up and eat and go back to sleep. Give me a break. WTF.

Seriously! Why is the 4 year old in school until 5 when his mom is home all day….not with a newborn? My god, women these days are lazy.

I posted 10 pages up thread that I don't understand how in the last 30 years the narrative has shifted that apparently taking care of 2 children during the day is too much to ask of one woman, and that husbands who don't split all before and after-work hours with their wives and get them housecleaners and mothers helpers are practically abusive. I hear this a lot, it is bonkers to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread, but I feel like so many people skimmed this very important part in the original post

DW is still on maternity leave for another month with the 3 month old, while our four year olds preschool is a 5 min drive.

If OPs DW is on mat leave, that means she has a job to go back to. In a month. And OP has had the benefit of having everyone home for 2 months. OPs DW is trying to make sure *before she goes back to work* that not all the work is going to fall on her when she does go back to work. Because things should be at their easiest now, but there seems to still be a lot of flex to OP. That shows that when things start to get tough, there is going to be more flex, and the DW is probably going to be the one making up the time. Yeah, I know some of you have super egalitarian relationships here, but the responses actually prove differently.

I see this DW. She says kid needs to be picked up at 410 - then already pushing it. Which means that eventually it will be kid needs to be picked up at 430, and the delays grow bigger, oh so DW, you’re already on your way home, can you pick them up? Death by papercuts. Next she’s called the martyr for doing everything because there’s no option, she’s lost herself and everyone hates her because she has a man who won’t.

I think you're reading a bit too much in here. OP's wife was pissed that, for one day, she had to watch two kids by herself for 5 hours during the workday. That's all this comes down to. Not some longer term prepping for going back to work manifesto.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

He works 10-5:10. That's barely full time. He SHOULD be doing more.

He IS doing more. He takes his 4 year old to daycare every morning during what most of us would consider typical work hours. And he is clearly involved as soon as his workday ends at 5, because he was aware on this particular snow day that his extra 10 minutes of work really messed up his wife's expectations. Clearly he is involved on typical days, or his wife wouldn't have lost her mind when he had the audacity to work for a 5 hour stretch without relieving her.

But he's not working during those hours, so it's no big sacrifice on his part. Honestly he should do everything before work--breakfasts, packing backpacks, etc. Starting at 10 is crazy late.

So he should handle all child/house stuff from 7-10am every morning, jump back into it from 5-8pm every night, work from 10-5 every day and 8-9 every night, so that poor DW can get a break from her grueling life of watching one infant from 10-5 every day while her 4 year old is at daycare?

No, he should do morning stuff, and she should do evening stuff, because he can't always say when he's going to get off work.

This!!!

He should do morning stuff, and she should take care of the kids until he is done with work for the day. They should go to bed together at night. He shouldn’t be up late “working,” typing long rants on DCUM, and probably looking at porn. The should BOTH be able to take care of both of their children for a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

He works 10-5:10. That's barely full time. He SHOULD be doing more.

He IS doing more. He takes his 4 year old to daycare every morning during what most of us would consider typical work hours. And he is clearly involved as soon as his workday ends at 5, because he was aware on this particular snow day that his extra 10 minutes of work really messed up his wife's expectations. Clearly he is involved on typical days, or his wife wouldn't have lost her mind when he had the audacity to work for a 5 hour stretch without relieving her.

But he's not working during those hours, so it's no big sacrifice on his part. Honestly he should do everything before work--breakfasts, packing backpacks, etc. Starting at 10 is crazy late.

Why on earth does he have to do “everything” until 10? I really don’t understand you people. You are insane. No wonder nobody wants to have kids. This hot potatoing of kids and bean counting of their care is honestly horrifying. These poor children.

So what, mom is just on duty 24-7 with the kids?

Her older kid goes to daycare every day! The younger one is 3 months old which is basically the easiest age your kid is EVER going to be: they sleep and wake up and eat and go back to sleep. Give me a break. WTF.

I was having a really hard time at 3m. I had PPA, and I was still breastfeeding for hours a day. I had a tracker, I remember early on it was like 7 hours a day. By three months it was better but still tough. I would take about any age over 3 months.

That’s you. I’ve had teenagers, and now am back with a 3 year old. 3 months any day all day.

Yes, and that’s you. For all you know OP’s baby is a nightmare.

Yes, OP’s wife has the hardest baby and lot in life, ever. Good lord. No wonder you all aren’t having kids, you simply are not equipped. Imagine being this incapable. It sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Does your family need your job to maintain its current lifestyle? What’s the plan for the 3 month old when your wife goes back to work? Maybe push that forward.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

He works 10-5:10. That's barely full time. He SHOULD be doing more.

He IS doing more. He takes his 4 year old to daycare every morning during what most of us would consider typical work hours. And he is clearly involved as soon as his workday ends at 5, because he was aware on this particular snow day that his extra 10 minutes of work really messed up his wife's expectations. Clearly he is involved on typical days, or his wife wouldn't have lost her mind when he had the audacity to work for a 5 hour stretch without relieving her.

But he's not working during those hours, so it's no big sacrifice on his part. Honestly he should do everything before work--breakfasts, packing backpacks, etc. Starting at 10 is crazy late.

Why on earth does he have to do “everything” until 10? I really don’t understand you people. You are insane. No wonder nobody wants to have kids. This hot potatoing of kids and bean counting of their care is honestly horrifying. These poor children.

So what, mom is just on duty 24-7 with the kids?

Her older kid goes to daycare every day! The younger one is 3 months old which is basically the easiest age your kid is EVER going to be: they sleep and wake up and eat and go back to sleep. Give me a break. WTF.

I was having a really hard time at 3m. I had PPA, and I was still breastfeeding for hours a day. I had a tracker, I remember early on it was like 7 hours a day. By three months it was better but still tough. I would take about any age over 3 months.

That’s you. I’ve had teenagers, and now am back with a 3 year old. 3 months any day all day.

Yes, and that’s you. For all you know OP’s baby is a nightmare.

It must be. Otherwise, he would be able to watch the baby for ten minutes while he finishes up work and she runs to the daycare.

[Anonymous]

Share back on how this is all resolved and handled if at all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

He works 10-5:10. That's barely full time. He SHOULD be doing more.

He IS doing more. He takes his 4 year old to daycare every morning during what most of us would consider typical work hours. And he is clearly involved as soon as his workday ends at 5, because he was aware on this particular snow day that his extra 10 minutes of work really messed up his wife's expectations. Clearly he is involved on typical days, or his wife wouldn't have lost her mind when he had the audacity to work for a 5 hour stretch without relieving her.

But he's not working during those hours, so it's no big sacrifice on his part. Honestly he should do everything before work--breakfasts, packing backpacks, etc. Starting at 10 is crazy late.

Why on earth does he have to do “everything” until 10? I really don’t understand you people. You are insane. No wonder nobody wants to have kids. This hot potatoing of kids and bean counting of their care is honestly horrifying. These poor children.

So what, mom is just on duty 24-7 with the kids?

Her older kid goes to daycare every day! The younger one is 3 months old which is basically the easiest age your kid is EVER going to be: they sleep and wake up and eat and go back to sleep. Give me a break. WTF.

Seriously! Why is the 4 year old in school until 5 when his mom is home all day….not with a newborn? My god, women these days are lazy.

I posted 10 pages up thread that I don't understand how in the last 30 years the narrative has shifted that apparently taking care of 2 children during the day is too much to ask of one woman, and that husbands who don't split all before and after-work hours with their wives and get them housecleaners and mothers helpers are practically abusive. I hear this a lot, it is bonkers to me.

It’s always taken a village but 30 years ago you had more family living close by, kids played outside with each other versus being in travel soccer at age 8, and there were other stay at home parents nearby. When my DH’s mom went back to work when he was in kindergarten, his grandmother watched them after school for awhile and then later they paid a neighbor/SAHM of a classmate until they were old enough to be home by themselves. There were also different expectations about parent involvement- my mom fed me formula and I can count on one hand how often she was expected to be at school in the middle of the work day in elementary school. So now that there is more work in modern child rearing unless you are going for free range parenting style and the village is now you, your spouse, and the help you pay for.

From the initial post I didn’t think the balance of labor was way off. However I do agree with the previous poster that mentioned discussing what’s on deck and talking thru impact. When my spouse has something off our usual schedule for his work, we talk about it ahead of time and I put it on the calendar. If it will cause an extra burden we try to figure out ways to lighten it - maybe he handles more the week before so I can get ahead on hours, or he will prep dinner.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes, because they're a married couple and care about each other and care about their kids. Her day just got way harder and he thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger? No thank you. He can step up. Not just ignore her and proceed with his day. It's really rude.

The ages of the kids are not snow day compatible, the 4yo should get to play in the snow but an infant shouldn't be outside that long. And it's hard to keep a 4yo quiet during all three infant naps. Being a good parent means the dad steps up to handle some of this.

But they did talk about it! The wife knew he had presentations that day. Then the snow happened but why would that affect his work?

I think this is a fine argument while she is on maternity leave, however, they need to sit down and discuss what they will do if this happens once she has returned to work. It isn't equitable to assume that his life will not change and his work will always assume priority, without a talk.

Agree 100%. They have a new situation with a second kid and they need to figure out their new schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

He works 10-5:10. That's barely full time. He SHOULD be doing more.

He IS doing more. He takes his 4 year old to daycare every morning during what most of us would consider typical work hours. And he is clearly involved as soon as his workday ends at 5, because he was aware on this particular snow day that his extra 10 minutes of work really messed up his wife's expectations. Clearly he is involved on typical days, or his wife wouldn't have lost her mind when he had the audacity to work for a 5 hour stretch without relieving her.

But he's not working during those hours, so it's no big sacrifice on his part. Honestly he should do everything before work--breakfasts, packing backpacks, etc. Starting at 10 is crazy late.

Why on earth does he have to do “everything” until 10? I really don’t understand you people. You are insane. No wonder nobody wants to have kids. This hot potatoing of kids and bean counting of their care is honestly horrifying. These poor children.

So what, mom is just on duty 24-7 with the kids?

Her older kid goes to daycare every day! The younger one is 3 months old which is basically the easiest age your kid is EVER going to be: they sleep and wake up and eat and go back to sleep. Give me a break. WTF.

And they can't move!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

He works 10-5:10. That's barely full time. He SHOULD be doing more.

He IS doing more. He takes his 4 year old to daycare every morning during what most of us would consider typical work hours. And he is clearly involved as soon as his workday ends at 5, because he was aware on this particular snow day that his extra 10 minutes of work really messed up his wife's expectations. Clearly he is involved on typical days, or his wife wouldn't have lost her mind when he had the audacity to work for a 5 hour stretch without relieving her.

But he's not working during those hours, so it's no big sacrifice on his part. Honestly he should do everything before work--breakfasts, packing backpacks, etc. Starting at 10 is crazy late.

Why on earth does he have to do “everything” until 10? I really don’t understand you people. You are insane. No wonder nobody wants to have kids. This hot potatoing of kids and bean counting of their care is honestly horrifying. These poor children.

So what, mom is just on duty 24-7 with the kids?

Her older kid goes to daycare every day! The younger one is 3 months old which is basically the easiest age your kid is EVER going to be: they sleep and wake up and eat and go back to sleep. Give me a break. WTF.

Seriously! Why is the 4 year old in school until 5 when his mom is home all day….not with a newborn? My god, women these days are lazy.

A lot daycares won't just let you keep your post but not pay for it. I had twins so I never had two of different ages but I've heard this from friends and it makes sense. If I could have had one-on-one time with my twins when they were little I would have done so. And I did because my husband was super involved and stayed home for part of my maternity leave but I stayed home for longer.

[Anonymous]

Jfc your wife sounds awful. Your wl balance is better than anyone I know and she is so ungrateful. My dh is constantly unemployed and I would give anything for him to have your wl balance. Most people I know work till 6 or longer and most weekends and evenings at least a little bit. I would never dream of leaving laptop home for vacation. Tell her to f right off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jfc your wife sounds awful. Your wl balance is better than anyone I know and she is so ungrateful. My dh is constantly unemployed and I would give anything for him to have your wl balance. Most people I know work till 6 or longer and most weekends and evenings at least a little bit. I would never dream of leaving laptop home for vacation. Tell her to f right off

For real. My husband is a very high earner but a total work aholic. She is a nut. Certifiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without hearing her side of the story, yes she sounds unreasonable. It sounds like you have an amazing, unicorn job. I have a pretty flexible job too and I take full advantage of the flexibility to be with my kids, but one reason I still keep getting promoted is I show up when it matters. And I have childcare in place to enable me to do that.

That being said, she’s on maternity leave, home with a 3mo all day, probably feeling a mix of frustration from being out of the adult/working world + blues from having to return to work soon. So cut her some slack and be gentle about her irrationality. Don’t give in though.

This! Perfect answer. Your wife is living at a time when thousands of people are being called in to 9 to 5 in office work and are lucky to even have jobs. I hope you both value the situation you currently have and try to shore up the problem spots for her so you guys can both Thrive. You’re living through a difficult period of having very small children and a newborn and part of this may be your wife having to retool her expectations and get a cold hard dose of reality. I’ll never forget being alone with our toddler and our newborn from 6 AM until 7 PM because my husband was in the office full-time. That certainly taught me not to complain when his evening meetings run over From his amazing work from home situation is that they are 11 and 9. When the kids complain I remind them they are lucky they don’t remember the days when their daddy didn’t see them during their waking hours for 2-3 days in a row or longer due to his in office commute time from Potomac to Arlington and long work days. Perspective is everything.