Halloween dis-invitation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.

Sorry but at the middle and high school ages, inviting the parents is just unnecessary helicoptering. My teens would be mortified. Not to mention people have more than one kid, and can’t be expected to attend multiple parties, hand out candy and trick or treat all at once.

No, it is not helicoptering. Your teens seem to have a problem if they will be mortified.

You invite every one and their kids, which means that siblings will also attend. AND the party happens before ToT starts. They all start their ToT from your house where you give candy to every kid. Teens can go on their own, and other kids can walk with their parents and each other. Where is the problem?

You all have paralysis by analysis. You assume that your kids will be mortified, that other parents will have gazillion parties to go to, that siblings will be an issue, that handing candy will be an issue.

The truth is that you are from a culture where there is no concept of hospitality and inclusiveness. You have no idea how to parent, how to host, how to be a guest and how to include everyone. So you spin your wheels.

Your insult to my “culture” is disgusting.

NP. No, she sees you accurately. Moms who are pissy about this are exclusive not inclusive, weak-willed and passive-aggressive instead of honest, and generally UMC and somewhat classist. You don’t extend yourselves, you don’t ‘remember’ meeting other parents, you don’t give other families and kids, especially if they’re poorer than you, any grace or benefit of the doubt. You think you offer your DC independence when you shift explicitly to hands-off mode in around 2nd, 3rd grade, and your mothering is largely just gossiping with like-minded twaughts and feeling beleaguered and busy busy busy all the time. You judge mothers like PP who step out and invite people and risk seeming uncool to the basic harem members like your. It’s completely accurate.

This is the most insane screed I’ve read on dcum. First of all, referencing second grade on a board for teens and tweens.

Second for suggesting I’m “weak willed and passive” because I am not hosting a 50 person party on Halloween. I don’t care what PP does. If she wants to open her doors to her entire neighborhood, she can feel free and of course I wouldn’t judge her.

The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

I think we and some elementary level teachers get to judge your reading comp, bunny. Because OP didn’t judge you. You’re here because you flinched when several other posters noted that women like you raise a-holes, and you can’t let go of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has really gone outer limits.

Very interesting to see insecurities oozing out when the conversation had nothing to do with those things at all.

The poster who suggested a party was offering solutions and she’s dead-on with why women of a certain age regard that as mortifying and impossible. It’s because they’re solipsistic and can’t conceive of being decent, and so they’re raising jackasses.

No, that woman was suggesting you have to invite every kid, every sibling, every parent. Every kid in the class? The school? Every friend and friend of friend? I mean, I guess you can't entertain unless you're feeding 50 people. 100 people. 200 people. Because God forbid, then someone will be excluded.

Why doesn't she just ensure that her child is normal and has friends. Then he won't be excluded. The end.

She didn’t write that.

Don’t come crying here when you overhear people calling you and your kids dumb little Bs and laughing at your kid’s ugly phase, their college rejections, your husband’s open cheating, and your widening figure. The end.

This has to be a troll. No one is this crazy.

You’re a type. Don’t be mad when it’s obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.

Sorry but at the middle and high school ages, inviting the parents is just unnecessary helicoptering. My teens would be mortified. Not to mention people have more than one kid, and can’t be expected to attend multiple parties, hand out candy and trick or treat all at once.

No, it is not helicoptering. Your teens seem to have a problem if they will be mortified.

You invite every one and their kids, which means that siblings will also attend. AND the party happens before ToT starts. They all start their ToT from your house where you give candy to every kid. Teens can go on their own, and other kids can walk with their parents and each other. Where is the problem?

You all have paralysis by analysis. You assume that your kids will be mortified, that other parents will have gazillion parties to go to, that siblings will be an issue, that handing candy will be an issue.

The truth is that you are from a culture where there is no concept of hospitality and inclusiveness. You have no idea how to parent, how to host, how to be a guest and how to include everyone. So you spin your wheels.

Your insult to my “culture” is disgusting.

NP. No, she sees you accurately. Moms who are pissy about this are exclusive not inclusive, weak-willed and passive-aggressive instead of honest, and generally UMC and somewhat classist. You don’t extend yourselves, you don’t ‘remember’ meeting other parents, you don’t give other families and kids, especially if they’re poorer than you, any grace or benefit of the doubt. You think you offer your DC independence when you shift explicitly to hands-off mode in around 2nd, 3rd grade, and your mothering is largely just gossiping with like-minded twaughts and feeling beleaguered and busy busy busy all the time. You judge mothers like PP who step out and invite people and risk seeming uncool to the basic harem members like your. It’s completely accurate.

This is the most insane screed I’ve read on dcum. First of all, referencing second grade on a board for teens and tweens.

Second for suggesting I’m “weak willed and passive” because I am not hosting a 50 person party on Halloween. I don’t care what PP does. If she wants to open her doors to her entire neighborhood, she can feel free and of course I wouldn’t judge her.

The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

I think we and some elementary level teachers get to judge your reading comp, bunny. Because OP didn’t judge you. You’re here because you flinched when several other posters noted that women like you raise a-holes, and you can’t let go of it.

Again, learn to read. This sub thread is not a response to OP but the poster who insisted on the need to invite tween and teen friends’ parents on Halloween. Do keep up, you seem quite lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

Ummmmm... I'm the OP. The person who started this thread asking how to support my kid.

How did this turn into crazy town with a side order of major culture bias?

Geez...no one even responded to my last question...too busy trying to out bully others. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.

Sorry but at the middle and high school ages, inviting the parents is just unnecessary helicoptering. My teens would be mortified. Not to mention people have more than one kid, and can’t be expected to attend multiple parties, hand out candy and trick or treat all at once.

No, it is not helicoptering. Your teens seem to have a problem if they will be mortified.

You invite every one and their kids, which means that siblings will also attend. AND the party happens before ToT starts. They all start their ToT from your house where you give candy to every kid. Teens can go on their own, and other kids can walk with their parents and each other. Where is the problem?

You all have paralysis by analysis. You assume that your kids will be mortified, that other parents will have gazillion parties to go to, that siblings will be an issue, that handing candy will be an issue.

The truth is that you are from a culture where there is no concept of hospitality and inclusiveness. You have no idea how to parent, how to host, how to be a guest and how to include everyone. So you spin your wheels.

Your insult to my “culture” is disgusting.

NP. No, she sees you accurately. Moms who are pissy about this are exclusive not inclusive, weak-willed and passive-aggressive instead of honest, and generally UMC and somewhat classist. You don’t extend yourselves, you don’t ‘remember’ meeting other parents, you don’t give other families and kids, especially if they’re poorer than you, any grace or benefit of the doubt. You think you offer your DC independence when you shift explicitly to hands-off mode in around 2nd, 3rd grade, and your mothering is largely just gossiping with like-minded twaughts and feeling beleaguered and busy busy busy all the time. You judge mothers like PP who step out and invite people and risk seeming uncool to the basic harem members like your. It’s completely accurate.

This is the most insane screed I’ve read on dcum. First of all, referencing second grade on a board for teens and tweens.

Second for suggesting I’m “weak willed and passive” because I am not hosting a 50 person party on Halloween. I don’t care what PP does. If she wants to open her doors to her entire neighborhood, she can feel free and of course I wouldn’t judge her.

The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

I think we and some elementary level teachers get to judge your reading comp, bunny. Because OP didn’t judge you. You’re here because you flinched when several other posters noted that women like you raise a-holes, and you can’t let go of it.

Again, learn to read. This sub thread is not a response to OP but the poster who insisted on the need to invite tween and teen friends’ parents on Halloween. Do keep up, you seem quite lost.

Sweetie. The reference was to your kind of mothering, where by the time your kid is in early ES, you give up on teaching anything relating to character because it requires skills you lack, and then you lurk on boards to ‘defend’ kids being inconsiderate and hurting others, which is the scenario OP’s kid faced in MS. I am sorry you’re so challenged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[

Again, learn to read. This sub thread is not a response to OP but the poster who insisted on the need to invite tween and teen friends’ parents on Halloween. Do keep up, you seem quite lost.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Wait, wasn’t this thread about friends who had plans, but one child at the last minute left his friend high and dry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

Ummmmm... I'm the OP. The person who started this thread asking how to support my kid.

How did this turn into crazy town with a side order of major culture bias?

Geez...no one even responded to my last question...too busy trying to out bully others. 🙄

lol. Well, OP, this thread might’ve given you an answer. The world is full of all kinds including crazy-town.

My kid experienced one very painful exclusion. I told my kid not to think too much about it. Think of it as a basketball ball shot to the head. It might’ve been on purpose. It might’ve been on accident. Either way, who cares? Get a hug, get some ice cream, when the hurt goes away, try playing basketball again. Over time you might find you need to join a new team or play a different bracket to become a better player. But eventually, if you keep trying, you will.

Turns out basketball isn’t even my kid’s sport. My kid found his place though and is so happy.

The silver lining of the exclusion experience: whenever he’s tempted to exclude, I ask him if he remembers what that felt like. It made him a kinder person.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DD had a version of this experience yesterday. Halloween is not her favorite holiday, so she didn't make plans with friends, but then ended up reaching out last-minute and drawing a blank. It sucked, but she'll get over it. It's too early to read into it. But it never hurts to branch out and make new friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

It's hard to be a friendly, grown up when the group of 4 kids who said mine couldn't go with them come to the door to trick or treat together.

They were very quiet...

Mine was out trick or treating on his own.

Can’t believe they still came to your door. Wow!

Similar experience when my kid was excluded from a pre-something else party and the whole group arrived together to find me volunteering at the event. Everyone froze. Clear indication they knew they’d pulled an ugly. It gets better. But it’s awful now.

Hope your weekend has some cheer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

+1

Absolutely, but I think OP's question is what she and her son can do in light of the fact that this happened. I don't have any great advice, it is a difficult situation, and I think move on and try to focus on other friends is the best answer.

+1 I think also validating (calmly, not making it worse) that this is rude behavior. Comments on this thread are weird. It’s not social engineering to ask your kids what their plans are and remind them that it is rude to cancel because you get a better offer - either include everyone or stick to the original plan. You should know what your middle schooler is up to.

However, it also is true that in our school (Arlington) I have seen that parents are lonely so basically create their social life around kids (travel team, sports teams, etc) and there is a lot of value placed on “block parties” etc that have a specific guest list rather than just distributing fliers to the entire neighborhood. It’s all very cliquey and although I’m hoping it fades (my ildest is MS), I’m not sure it will. A lot of kids don’t have great manners (I have a boy and a lot of his class are little sh*ts) and I think because the families engineer socially, they don’t gain the same social skills we did as kids because the natural consequence of being left out for bad behavior is avoided when mom is planning a block party.

We are trying to teach our kids that people show you who they are and to consider whether they are true friends or not. It is hard, and especially the last few years of elementary up to middle have been hard, but I’m hoping they find their way as they head to high school.

Omg..you just reminded me of when my kid was in pre-k and one neighbor invited specific neighbors for her kid's block birthday party with other friends and there were so many little kids just opposite my house and my kid kept asking if they could go there. We couldn't even let my kid go out of the house because those kids were running around into everyone's houses (who were invited) and I was afraid my kid would join them. We could see everything from our kitchen and obviously I couldn't skip cooking because they were having a "block" party.

Yeah we have a house like that on our street too. It’s annoying. And the mom of the couple is a teacher at the elementary school my kids attend. FORTUNATELY, they had only one kid who is now a teen and seems to have his own friends so the “block parties” are smaller and just some adults now. But yeah, that was real awkward during Covid when they’d be outside with their fire pit and half the neighborhood families around and my older kid was asking why we weren’t at Mrs. Smith’s from school’s party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I take it you're not friends with the moms on your street and that's why they excluded him?

Yeah, my neighborhood is fully of some catty witches but if moms were still intervening in middle school - that would be insane!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it you're not friends with the moms on your street and that's why they excluded him?

Yeah, my neighborhood is fully of some catty witches but if moms were still intervening in middle school - that would be insane!!

They would never dream of asking their kids what the plan was bc as long as they have a plan it’s cool to randomly disinvite others and be jerks. Because that’s not their problem.

[Anonymous]

I do, and so did PP. And unlike you all, I don’t live through DC, who are great at making and keeping friends over years. I’m better than you and raising DC that are better than yours as far as grades, abilities and social skills. DH and I aren’t petty, don’t exclude, and don’t make excuses. And I relish in calling things what they are here, and know you’re whiny because it’s accurate.

NP, but did you read this back to yourself before you posted? Did you wait after typing this out before hitting submit? This is so ugly. You say you don't live through your DC and then list how your DC are better than an anonymous poster's kids, brag about self-perceived attributes and call names. How would you feel if your kid read what you wrote? You should self-reflect here. I would honestly be so disappointed in myself if I posted something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

If you suspect this might be the case with your kid how do you help them?

At MS age there's a fine line between advising a kid to tone things down and them taking it personally and it impacting their confidence. They also may not know what to do differently.

If you say nothing and it continues it could be a problem socially long term.

If you've dealt with something like this how did you help your child improve things for themselves?

Anyone have any additional helpful thoughts about this?