Halloween dis-invitation

[Anonymous]

OP - a flaky “friend” is just that - flaky, Regardless of why he flaked out last minute, even if it’s something about your DS being too this or that. The friend still agreed initially. A flaky person is not a friend. Maybe a compartmentalized acquaintance at best, i.e. someone to chat with on the walk to school perhaps… but not a friend. I would advise DS as such, don’t pour any emotions into this kid, don’t hope or strive for any closer friendship. Just be cordial yet know what your boundaries are regarding this person - meaning walk to school chatter. Nothing more.
In this case, no need to bring it up. If he really wants too, his choice. Either way, he shouldn’t be looking for anything from this other kid- not looking for an apology or for him to feel bad or a closer friendship. Even a tween knows better than to flake out.Maybe one day said tween will truly change and be friend-worthy and DS can cross that bridge when he comes to it but most likely this will not happen and DS has learned the valuable lesson to believe people when they tell you who they are. That lesson was worth one sucky Halloween night.
All the best to your DS.

[Anonymous]

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Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

If you suspect this might be the case with your kid how do you help them?

At MS age there's a fine line between advising a kid to tone things down and them taking it personally and it impacting their confidence. They also may not know what to do differently.

If you say nothing and it continues it could be a problem socially long term.

If you've dealt with something like this how did you help your child improve things for themselves?

Anyone have any additional helpful thoughts about this?

Is there such a thing as social skills coaching for tweens maybe?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

If you suspect this might be the case with your kid how do you help them?

At MS age there's a fine line between advising a kid to tone things down and them taking it personally and it impacting their confidence. They also may not know what to do differently.

If you say nothing and it continues it could be a problem socially long term.

If you've dealt with something like this how did you help your child improve things for themselves?

Anyone have any additional helpful thoughts about this?

Yea. Teach your kid to be curious about others and a good listener.

If your kid hears something like, “I’m uncomfortable, because you’re standing too close to me,” then of course go ahead and step back. If your kid hears things like, “I’m insecure and only friends with rich people,” then your kid can see how he feels about that. Me, personally, I’d run from that vibe.

[Anonymous]

👀
This thread is scarier than a horror movie. I hope it’s full of sock puppets and not as many deranged people as it appears to be.

OP, I hope your son is doing ok. I also hope you update when he goes back to school but completely understand if you don’t after *waves hands* this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here
I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone tonight. Your caring support, helpful suggestions and understanding has been amazing and greatly appreciated!

Yes, disappointments are part of life and these things are for sure for kids to work out. I'm glad we're going to have a busy few days with sports and other plans to give space to move on. I mostly just hope he can communicate and get support when clearly upset.

DS handed out candy to the big barrage of early little kids who came by, then went out and came home tired with a huge candy haul (and so sweaty bc it was so warm out).

When a “single rider” comes to our door, we do a HUGE handful of candy. Sure they may hit a lot of houses, but they also may only have nerve or interest to go to a few on their own so we try to help make it a big haul to look at when they get home.

LOVE THIS!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here

It's hard to be a friendly, grown up when the group of 4 kids who said mine couldn't go with them come to the door to trick or treat together.

They were very quiet...

Mine was out trick or treating on his own.

What jerks. I would have thrown the candy in their effing faces. They could have totally skipped your house.

Carrot bags.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

By the time they are in MS, not everyone wants to ToT so it makes sense that they might just want to hang out together at a house.
I think one issue is Halloween has become an “event” that everyone thinks they need to have plans for.

Huh? It’s been like that for as long as I can remember. Kids like to meet up before heading out. If they head out at all.

-Gen-X

I’m also Gen X. Where I lived we would meet up to ToT but didn’t have a big party before or after.

Hanging out w/pizza isn’t exactly a big party.

It’s a meeting spot w/easy dinner.

So you bribe kids with pizza to come to your house so your kid’s plans are locked in.

Yup.
Some kids can be bribed with pizza.
Some kids are bribed by the allure of not being excluded.
Some kids want to make friends.
Some parents like that they don't have to feed dinner to their kids.
Some parents like that the kid is on their own.

It is not your business to care about why someone attends. You make your kid realize that if they put in some effort, they can have a good social experience. Hopefully it teaches them how to be good hosts and how to be inclusive. And the best outcome from this exercise (excluding having a great halloween) is that your kid will come across some kids from good families who also value being inclusive and reciprocating. - DP

The point of this thread is “disinvitation” I guess the party hosts involved in these exclusive parties don’t care about the kids who fall to the side. We know you do it because you fear your kid being left out. You want to be the cool mom.

Are you the thread "nazi" now, weirdly triggered pp?

I have no desire to be a cool mom for other kids. I am a very loving and thoughtful mom for my own kid. And no one is excluding any kid. Our invites go out on our neighborhood listserv. Besides, my children always have companionship of kids of relatives and my own friends, their school friends etc, so we always have a critical mass of guests to have a party.

Yes, why would I want my own kid to be left out and feel bad because of Karens and their children? Are you insane? I also want them to learn how to be social and inclusive. I don't want them to be some helpless, isolated, anti-social, depressed adult once they are away from home.

Are you on the spectrum? Because your posts are really weird.

Gross. Amazing people on this site still speak like this, given how careful and respectful we are of some many others, not like you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

By the time they are in MS, not everyone wants to ToT so it makes sense that they might just want to hang out together at a house.
I think one issue is Halloween has become an “event” that everyone thinks they need to have plans for.

Huh? It’s been like that for as long as I can remember. Kids like to meet up before heading out. If they head out at all.

-Gen-X

I’m also Gen X. Where I lived we would meet up to ToT but didn’t have a big party before or after.

Hanging out w/pizza isn’t exactly a big party.

It’s a meeting spot w/easy dinner.

So you bribe kids with pizza to come to your house so your kid’s plans are locked in.

Yup.
Some kids can be bribed with pizza.
Some kids are bribed by the allure of not being excluded.
Some kids want to make friends.
Some parents like that they don't have to feed dinner to their kids.
Some parents like that the kid is on their own.

It is not your business to care about why someone attends. You make your kid realize that if they put in some effort, they can have a good social experience. Hopefully it teaches them how to be good hosts and how to be inclusive. And the best outcome from this exercise (excluding having a great halloween) is that your kid will come across some kids from good families who also value being inclusive and reciprocating. - DP

The point of this thread is “disinvitation” I guess the party hosts involved in these exclusive parties don’t care about the kids who fall to the side. We know you do it because you fear your kid being left out. You want to be the cool mom.

Are you the thread "nazi" now, weirdly triggered pp?

I have no desire to be a cool mom for other kids. I am a very loving and thoughtful mom for my own kid. And no one is excluding any kid. Our invites go out on our neighborhood listserv. Besides, my children always have companionship of kids of relatives and my own friends, their school friends etc, so we always have a critical mass of guests to have a party.

Yes, why would I want my own kid to be left out and feel bad because of Karens and their children? Are you insane? I also want them to learn how to be social and inclusive. I don't want them to be some helpless, isolated, anti-social, depressed adult once they are away from home.

Are you on the spectrum? Because your posts are really weird.

WTF is wrong with you?

WTBF is wrong with you? Weird.

I’m a DP and your comment about “on the spectrum” was disgusting. Grow up.

I doubt you are DP. And the comment was appropriate. You can chill out now.

So I am definitely a DP, and you are disgusting if you think that comment was appropriate.
Would you substitute a race, or gender, or religious statement in there? Hope not.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.

Sorry but at the middle and high school ages, inviting the parents is just unnecessary helicoptering. My teens would be mortified. Not to mention people have more than one kid, and can’t be expected to attend multiple parties, hand out candy and trick or treat all at once.

No, it is not helicoptering. Your teens seem to have a problem if they will be mortified.

You invite every one and their kids, which means that siblings will also attend. AND the party happens before ToT starts. They all start their ToT from your house where you give candy to every kid. Teens can go on their own, and other kids can walk with their parents and each other. Where is the problem?

You all have paralysis by analysis. You assume that your kids will be mortified, that other parents will have gazillion parties to go to, that siblings will be an issue, that handing candy will be an issue.

The truth is that you are from a culture where there is no concept of hospitality and inclusiveness. You have no idea how to parent, how to host, how to be a guest and how to include everyone. So you spin your wheels.

Your insult to my “culture” is disgusting.

You have no culture. American Consumerist HyperDefensive Slightly Chubby MamaBear is not a culture, it’s an affliction.

Fun. The incels have joined this ridiculous thread.

[Anonymous]

Who knew Halloween was triggering to all of the crazy moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

If you suspect this might be the case with your kid how do you help them?

At MS age there's a fine line between advising a kid to tone things down and them taking it personally and it impacting their confidence. They also may not know what to do differently.

If you say nothing and it continues it could be a problem socially long term.

If you've dealt with something like this how did you help your child improve things for themselves?

Anyone have any additional helpful thoughts about this?

DP

Personally I would err on the side of not saying much. You don’t know that this behavior contributed to what happened. And maybe he just needs to find better matches of friends who like his energy and personality. At home, if he is acting hyperactive or interrupting or hogging the conversation, correct it as it happens. But I would only correct what I see directly at this age.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.

Sorry but at the middle and high school ages, inviting the parents is just unnecessary helicoptering. My teens would be mortified. Not to mention people have more than one kid, and can’t be expected to attend multiple parties, hand out candy and trick or treat all at once.

No, it is not helicoptering. Your teens seem to have a problem if they will be mortified.

You invite every one and their kids, which means that siblings will also attend. AND the party happens before ToT starts. They all start their ToT from your house where you give candy to every kid. Teens can go on their own, and other kids can walk with their parents and each other. Where is the problem?

You all have paralysis by analysis. You assume that your kids will be mortified, that other parents will have gazillion parties to go to, that siblings will be an issue, that handing candy will be an issue.

The truth is that you are from a culture where there is no concept of hospitality and inclusiveness. You have no idea how to parent, how to host, how to be a guest and how to include everyone. So you spin your wheels.

Your insult to my “culture” is disgusting.

NP. No, she sees you accurately. Moms who are pissy about this are exclusive not inclusive, weak-willed and passive-aggressive instead of honest, and generally UMC and somewhat classist. You don’t extend yourselves, you don’t ‘remember’ meeting other parents, you don’t give other families and kids, especially if they’re poorer than you, any grace or benefit of the doubt. You think you offer your DC independence when you shift explicitly to hands-off mode in around 2nd, 3rd grade, and your mothering is largely just gossiping with like-minded twaughts and feeling beleaguered and busy busy busy all the time. You judge mothers like PP who step out and invite people and risk seeming uncool to the basic harem members like your. It’s completely accurate.

This is the most insane screed I’ve read on dcum. First of all, referencing second grade on a board for teens and tweens.

Second for suggesting I’m “weak willed and passive” because I am not hosting a 50 person party on Halloween. I don’t care what PP does. If she wants to open her doors to her entire neighborhood, she can feel free and of course I wouldn’t judge her.

The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

I think we and some elementary level teachers get to judge your reading comp, bunny. Because OP didn’t judge you. You’re here because you flinched when several other posters noted that women like you raise a-holes, and you can’t let go of it.

Again, learn to read. This sub thread is not a response to OP but the poster who insisted on the need to invite tween and teen friends’ parents on Halloween. Do keep up, you seem quite lost.

Sweetie. The reference was to your kind of mothering, where by the time your kid is in early ES, you give up on teaching anything relating to character because it requires skills you lack, and then you lurk on boards to ‘defend’ kids being inconsiderate and hurting others, which is the scenario OP’s kid faced in MS. I am sorry you’re so challenged.

You have gone off the deep end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

Ummmmm... I'm the OP. The person who started this thread asking how to support my kid.

How did this turn into crazy town with a side order of major culture bias?

Geez...no one even responded to my last question...too busy trying to out bully others. 🙄

Sorry OP, I meant the OP of this much-quoted side discussion who went on the rant about needing to invite everyone’s parents if you want to host Halloween, not you. I should have been more clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

So no school today?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who knew Halloween was triggering to all of the crazy moms?

It's like all the crazies or one crazy sock puppet swooped in on this thread today