Halloween dis-invitation

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

Why? The kids are not orphans.

Yes. I think that the parents get their jollies when their children ditch other kids.

These parents act like they have to walk on egg shells around their fragile kids whose social lives can not be known, questioned, or commented on. Like they have strangers living in their homes who do as they please when they are actually dependent minors they are fully responsible for.

Wut? Which orifice did you pull that out of?

Oh, found the parent too scared to talk to their own kid.

Do you really go around making up these baseless, random narratives about people?

Weird.

What? It’s so obvious. People do not want to talk to their kids. They don’t want to do the work. Lots of kids are being little a-holes and their parents have their heads in the sand. Do you often dump your friends last minute for better plans? Why is it ok for your kid to do that? You’re neglecting your job as a parent of a young teen. Do better.

You have no idea what other parents are doing or not doing. Stop judging people based on your fictional version of them.

I have two teens. They mention who they are hanging out with. There are definitely some kids from elementary that seem to be on the periphery of the group and not normally in their core group for hang outs. Sometimes they have a new kid who is a friend of a friend. I don’t ask them when Bobby from elementary cub scouts or your friend from 4th grade was not invited for Halloween.

So if they were going with bobby, and you know because you actually asked them the plan was in advance, but then suddenly said Bobby wasn’t going anymore it simply wouldn’t occur to you to ask why not? Like what happened with OPs kid?There are a lot of really uninvolved clueless parents out there apparently.

That is not what happens. My kid has a core group of friends of 5. Bobby is not in this group. Over the years, I may ask my son if he sees Bobby and ds May say he had no classes with him or that he doesn’t see him. I haven’t asked about Bobby in high school. I did ask about Bobby in middle school and Bobby came to my son’s birthday party in 7th grade.

You’re talking about a totally irrelevant situation.

The pp made some imaginary scenario with an elementary friend Bobby who is on the edge of my child’s friend group. I’m simply saying Bobby is not in my son’s friend group.

There is another boy, Johnny, who also went to my child’s elementary who is also on the edge. He is a friend of a friend also barely in the group. Johnny’s mom will ask her son who is barely in my son’s group about plans (football games, dances, Halloween). I think what happens is if you are on the periphery of the group yourself, you won’t try to add the extra but if you are one of the mains, you can.

My son’s core group is five. Each of the five has another close friend that makes the group around 10.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

How do you feel about the fact that your child disinvited two other kids?

I’m not the original poster - but I’d be angry with my child.

Last year, my middle school child’s acquaintance friend ditched his friend to jump groups to my son’s trick or treating group. I remember feeling bad for the boy. My son had clear plans. A couple friends were coming to our house and having pizza at our neighborhood block party and then going to a different neighborhood to go trick or treating with a group. Another mom had texted us moms to coordinate. This was 7th grade. My son saw acquaintance friend and said he was going to Larlo’s house. Acquaintance friend was not on mom text chain. That kid showed up at the other neighborhood and ditched his friend who happens to be my neighbor. I told DS that wasn’t nice and DS said he didn’t have plans with neighbor and he wasn’t the one who ditched him. He said the acquaintance friend showed up and DS didn’t even know he was coming.

I’ve read the above at least three times and I don’t understand the dynamics. Too complicated, is it even that big of a thing? Truly wondering as I can’t trace the story. Sounds like some other kid (not yours) ditched their friend and then later that kid showed up where ‘the group’ happened to be. So, awkies?

No, the acquaintance friend showed up at the second neighborhood after ditching his friend who happens to live on our street. We saw both the neighbor and acquaintance friend at the neighborhood block party. The neighbor goes to a different school and one year apart so my child and neighbor have never even played together. I just wave hi to neighbor if we drive by. I thought it was a jerky thing to do for the acquaintance to ditch his friend to jump groups to my son’s group.

Pick one. Acquaintance or friend. Otherwise it’s too confusing to follow.

To the person posting the confusing story - which is now even more confusing with your clarification - you are way too invested in this dynamic. It sounds like it was your kid’s acquaintance who did this to another kid? Let it gooooooo

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

Why? The kids are not orphans.

Yes. I think that the parents get their jollies when their children ditch other kids.

These parents act like they have to walk on egg shells around their fragile kids whose social lives can not be known, questioned, or commented on. Like they have strangers living in their homes who do as they please when they are actually dependent minors they are fully responsible for.

Wut? Which orifice did you pull that out of?

Oh, found the parent too scared to talk to their own kid.

Do you really go around making up these baseless, random narratives about people?

Weird.

What? It’s so obvious. People do not want to talk to their kids. They don’t want to do the work. Lots of kids are being little a-holes and their parents have their heads in the sand. Do you often dump your friends last minute for better plans? Why is it ok for your kid to do that? You’re neglecting your job as a parent of a young teen. Do better.

You have no idea what other parents are doing or not doing. Stop judging people based on your fictional version of them.

I have two teens. They mention who they are hanging out with. There are definitely some kids from elementary that seem to be on the periphery of the group and not normally in their core group for hang outs. Sometimes they have a new kid who is a friend of a friend. I don’t ask them when Bobby from elementary cub scouts or your friend from 4th grade was not invited for Halloween.

So if they were going with bobby, and you know because you actually asked them the plan was in advance, but then suddenly said Bobby wasn’t going anymore it simply wouldn’t occur to you to ask why not? Like what happened with OPs kid?There are a lot of really uninvolved clueless parents out there apparently.

Not PP but I don’t keep up with the kids on the periphery like this hypothetical Bobby is. I keep up with my teens’ main group of friends and yes, if suddenly I’m not hearing about that kid, I ask and try to figure out if there is an issue.

So in OPs example, in a small group no parent had any idea her kid was invited then uninvited? None at all?

Lady, do you even have a teenager? I have two teenagers and they don’t give us all these details. They do not give me a play by play on how the plans and how it was decided. I had a bunch of people over to my house on Halloween, 15-20 kids between my 3 kids. All the plans were made within 48 hours. A few teens showed up late. I’m assuming my teens invited them. They weren’t on the original list. They rang the bell. I let them in. It is not social engineering from the parents like some are suggesting.

Girlie, I have a teen. Your kids just don’t like you or talk to you much. Maybe there’s still time to work on your relationship with them. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Almost every parent I know says their teen sons don’t talk to them that much. I knew all 15 kids. Another 5-10 were hanging out outside my house for an hour or two but they didn’t come inside.

My elementary daughter talks to me all day everyday. My boys have never been huge talkers.

My teen son talks to me and answers questions when asked. He’s always been that way.

So do my sons. I don’t ask all the details of their plan making. Actually I do know what happens. I, mom, ask my 15yo son what he is doing for Halloween. He says I dunno. A week before Halloween, I ask him if he wants a costume. No. I’m buying your sister a costume. Can you dress up for family photo? Fine. Few days later, DS says his friend is having friends over. Then he says that friend can’t host. Back to doing nothing. Then it somehow became our house, which made it crowded because both my younger children also had people coming over. I asked who was coming and ds told me. That was it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

How do you feel about the fact that your child disinvited two other kids?

I’m not the original poster - but I’d be angry with my child.

Last year, my middle school child’s acquaintance friend ditched his friend to jump groups to my son’s trick or treating group. I remember feeling bad for the boy. My son had clear plans. A couple friends were coming to our house and having pizza at our neighborhood block party and then going to a different neighborhood to go trick or treating with a group. Another mom had texted us moms to coordinate. This was 7th grade. My son saw acquaintance friend and said he was going to Larlo’s house. Acquaintance friend was not on mom text chain. That kid showed up at the other neighborhood and ditched his friend who happens to be my neighbor. I told DS that wasn’t nice and DS said he didn’t have plans with neighbor and he wasn’t the one who ditched him. He said the acquaintance friend showed up and DS didn’t even know he was coming.

I’ve read the above at least three times and I don’t understand the dynamics. Too complicated, is it even that big of a thing? Truly wondering as I can’t trace the story. Sounds like some other kid (not yours) ditched their friend and then later that kid showed up where ‘the group’ happened to be. So, awkies?

No, the acquaintance friend showed up at the second neighborhood after ditching his friend who happens to live on our street. We saw both the neighbor and acquaintance friend at the neighborhood block party. The neighbor goes to a different school and one year apart so my child and neighbor have never even played together. I just wave hi to neighbor if we drive by. I thought it was a jerky thing to do for the acquaintance to ditch his friend to jump groups to my son’s group.

Pick one. Acquaintance or friend. Otherwise it’s too confusing to follow.

He was a friend of my kid in elementary but they no longer hang out or see one another in middle school. I called him acquaintance friend bc his mom is my acquaintance.

At the end of the day, the boy ditched our neighbor to crash my son’s trick or treating group. At that time, not all the kids had cell phones so the host mom texted a bunch of moms from elementary.

My kids are in 8th and 10th grade and I’m fairly certain all their friends have phones now. One lone boy has an Apple Watch but can text via his iPad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

How do you feel about the fact that your child disinvited two other kids?

I’m not the original poster - but I’d be angry with my child.

Last year, my middle school child’s acquaintance friend ditched his friend to jump groups to my son’s trick or treating group. I remember feeling bad for the boy. My son had clear plans. A couple friends were coming to our house and having pizza at our neighborhood block party and then going to a different neighborhood to go trick or treating with a group. Another mom had texted us moms to coordinate. This was 7th grade. My son saw acquaintance friend and said he was going to Larlo’s house. Acquaintance friend was not on mom text chain. That kid showed up at the other neighborhood and ditched his friend who happens to be my neighbor. I told DS that wasn’t nice and DS said he didn’t have plans with neighbor and he wasn’t the one who ditched him. He said the acquaintance friend showed up and DS didn’t even know he was coming.

I’ve read the above at least three times and I don’t understand the dynamics. Too complicated, is it even that big of a thing? Truly wondering as I can’t trace the story. Sounds like some other kid (not yours) ditched their friend and then later that kid showed up where ‘the group’ happened to be. So, awkies?

No, the acquaintance friend showed up at the second neighborhood after ditching his friend who happens to live on our street. We saw both the neighbor and acquaintance friend at the neighborhood block party. The neighbor goes to a different school and one year apart so my child and neighbor have never even played together. I just wave hi to neighbor if we drive by. I thought it was a jerky thing to do for the acquaintance to ditch his friend to jump groups to my son’s group.

Pick one. Acquaintance or friend. Otherwise it’s too confusing to follow.

To the person posting the confusing story - which is now even more confusing with your clarification - you are way too invested in this dynamic. It sounds like it was your kid’s acquaintance who did this to another kid? Let it gooooooo

I’m just saying it is a jerk thing to do. Obviously this is hurtful in 7th grade.

I mean adults also cancel for better plans. We know which people are flaky and who is reliable. I have a friend who never commits and that is also annoying. I’m not sure what is worse - the never commits or always cancels. They both are super fun and social when you see them so I keep them as friends after writing them off.

[Anonymous]

Best thing to do IMO is to make sure you are enabling your child to make different groups of friends in lots of different contexts - not just at school, but also at church, non-school extracurriculars, neighborhood, kids of your adult friends, etc. That way if there's rejection from one group, there's a different group to lean on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of friend shifting in middle school. I used to be envious of neighborhoods with lots of kids but now I’m hearing a lot of awkwardness and drama being too close. Neighbors getting all bent out of shape if not invited to a party. Kids feeling bad when they can see neighbor having friends over. I’m glad we live in a neighborhood with not many kids. You dont feel bad if you are not included and not close friends. Just because you live close doesn’t mean you should automatically be invited.

That's such a shame, I think it's great to live in a neighborhood full of kids, especially through MS. I really wish MS kids wouldn't ditch friends so easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of friend shifting in middle school. I used to be envious of neighborhoods with lots of kids but now I’m hearing a lot of awkwardness and drama being too close. Neighbors getting all bent out of shape if not invited to a party. Kids feeling bad when they can see neighbor having friends over. I’m glad we live in a neighborhood with not many kids. You dont feel bad if you are not included and not close friends. Just because you live close doesn’t mean you should automatically be invited.

That's such a shame, I think it's great to live in a neighborhood full of kids, especially through MS. I really wish MS kids wouldn't ditch friends so easily.

Pp here. We were considering moving but I actually like that my early teen kids can’t go anywhere on their own. They still have friends over and make plans.