How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s all keep pretending wrong that sorting, folding, and putting the clean laundry away is the same amount of effort as pressing buttons on the machine.

Wait, you sort your laundry AFTER you wash it? How does that work?

In our family we wash by color. So we need to sort each load (after it’s washed and dried) by family member.

How do you wash by color if you only sort laundry after you’ve washed it?

Most people do not wash by color. They just do Cold cycle.
And hang dry shirts or things they don’t want to thin or shrink in the dryer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a laundry basket for every family member. Have the kids sort the clean clothes into the appropriate basket. Everyone puts theirs away, folding or organizing as they prefer. It’s really pretty quick.

Sorry so you sort the clean laundry into each basket, deliver it to each room… and then the husband and kids magically fold and put it away within a day or two.

Woozers.

It doesn’t just sit there and sit there in the basket for weeks?

I say “hey kids the laundry is done, please go sort it.” They do. There is usually bickering while they do and I ignore it. Then they put their laundry away. Sometimes I put away the preschooler’s for him but honestly he’s pretty good at it. I fold and put away mine and DH’s. Sometimes the empty laundry baskets live in the kids’ rooms for a while until I make them stack them in the laundry room again. I don’t care if they fold it (they don’t fold it).

[Anonymous]

Oh, and a sorting tip: get your kids all one kind of socks. The next time you need bigger socks, get different ones. Then you know all the navy crew socks belong to Larla and all the white ankle socks are Larlette’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and a sorting tip: get your kids all one kind of socks. The next time you need bigger socks, get different ones. Then you know all the navy crew socks belong to Larla and all the white ankle socks are Larlette’s.

This! Works like a charm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him a really great blowjob, but then stop when he’s almost done.

80%

[Anonymous]

OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

[Anonymous]

https://www.instagram.com/realzachthinkshare?igsh=MWI5bzlrajJkcnVjcw==

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He seems to be doing 80% of a lot. I’d be curious how much you’re actually doing.

I can help you with the math, since you seem to be a DH who is struggling to get complete credit on this math problem.

Let x=a lot. If DH is doing 80% of a lot (assuming chores are split equally and not already in DH's favor, which is what time-use studies show), and DW does 100% of a lot plus DH's remaining share, then DH is doing .8x and DW is doing 1.2x.

So if x=20 hours/week, then DH is doing 16 hours worth of chores/week.

So to answer your question, DW is doing 24 hours worth of chores/week. Or 8 hours more than DH per week.

Or, DH is doing 0.8 of 75% of the tasks which is 60% of the total load. Who knows! A lot of women are lazy and blame their husbands for “not doing enough” because they do two “exhausting” things and then need time to scroll endlessly on instagram at night or text their mom friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

This doesn’t make it right or defensible but (1) if it’s after work then the meds have probably run out and is tapped out on executive functioning tasks for the day and (2) if it’s on the weekend is he even taking the meds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, here's what I looked for in a future husband. It's not really about knowing how to cook or about being able to take care of a single adult's apartment chores. Those things can be learned. But these things really matter:

LOTS of executive functioning capacity. Tons.

No sign of ADHD or ASD-- excellent social skills, better than mine.

Not self-indulgent, disciplined, holds self to a high standard in how to treat others.

I looked for a partner like that, too, but found them few and far between and was not able to secure one as my spouse. I tried to find the next best thing but I'm in the same boat as many people here.

It's hard- I think that many men who have high executive functioning capacity, and not self-indulgent, and are disciplined are also the types to get married young. If you're not in the right dating pool at that point, you won't get access to them later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

That is kind of the issue with ADHD, the brain can engage to do interesting or new or rewarding tasks but can’t engage to do mundane, routine, uninteresting tasks. Difficulty getting basic housework done is a hallmark sign of ADHD. Starting and finishing tasks are both hard. I am no saying he has it, just clarifying that it is completely normal to struggle differently at home and at work.

Agree. Work can be a hyper focus.
Also ADHD meds are not active 10% of the time so most people time their dosage to be most effective when at work or school.

I'm the only one in my house without an ADHD diagnosis. For me, the household chores are hard and I'm not good at them, but I force myself to do them. I'm not sure precisely how much harder they are for people with an ADHD diagnosis. I try to be understanding, but they also don't understand that the chores are also hard for me. I just lose in the game of household management "chicken" because I can't deal with piles everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp who said it is part of my ADHD.

I have a very active and constantly changing job so it kind of works well for me. I also have lists at work. I think I also put a lot of my brain power into work, so when I'm home it tends to shut off more.

As for the ADHD thing part, it is definitely procrastination and not a resistance to being told what to do. Like I said, DH has brought it up before and I have made a big effort to change. I really wish I could say why my brain does what it does. For instance, I could vacuum the living room and my brain would say "just leave the vacuum there, you can get it later" and then I'll go off and do something else. I have to stop and say "no, put it away now".

Another example happened recently. I was reorganizing our bathroom and getting rid of towels. I was about halfway through reorganizing when I looked at the area I store my make up and said "hmm...I should really go through my make up". So I stopped the towels and started going through my makeup. As I went through my makeup, I realized my makeup brushes needed to be cleaned. So I stopped going through my makeup and cleaned my brushes. Which led to me noticing that the counter tops were messy. So I put the make up brushes down and started cleaning the countertop. I had to process in my brain after "Ok, finish the brushes. Then put away the make up. Then finish the towels." Otherwise I would have just walked out of the bathroom with it being half done and remembered it hours early. Also hence why I have lists.

I wish I had a good answer for how to help your husband. I changed because I know it bothered DH and I don't want to do things that upset him.

This sounds like my brain. That's why housecleaning and organizing are hard! There's always something else to catch the eye.

Do I have ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)