DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP reporting back. DH and I declared a family emergency, canceled all of our meetings and had DS stay home from school so we could talk all of this through calmly and slowly. I’m very glad we did.

Things we learned today that we didn’t know before: 1) DS has actually thinking about this for a while, and was steeling himself to make the pitch no matter where he did or didn’t get in to school. Having his choices narrowed so dramatically made it an easier call, but it sounds like we may have been having this conversation no matter what. 2) The reason: DS does not have doubts about going to college, but in the short term what he wants even more is real time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We knew that DS missed them all terribly during the pandemic, just as DH and I did — but we just didn’t realize he felt it quite this keenly. He said that there’s a lot of different ways he can go to college, but his grandparents are alive and healthy right now and they really need his help right now. Put those two things together and DS sees spending the next year with them as the time-sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity he puts more value on.

All of the college planning questions remain, of course, and I am extremely grateful to all of who you raised so many good points/questions that I would never have thought of. We’ve been in touch with DS’s college counselor at school, and she is going to make a referral for us to a private consultant she thinks will be able to help us make a plan. DS’s grades and extra-curricular are actually ending on a high note so he will have that going for him into next year’s cycle.

As for DH and I: I am still in shock, to a degree, but DH is already essentially recovered and even making jokes about how at least now we have an extra year and a third full-time income to help save for college! And I will say this: I may be worried about DS, but I honestly kind of admire him, too. I don’t think my own values were this well and strongly formed at this age. In fact, I know they weren’t. I guess sometimes we raise them, and sometimes they raise us.

OP - so glad you could talk this through and better understand where he's coming from. This all sounds like a great plan BUT I'd still say defer at the current school so that he always has the option of being in the same place next year (in terms of college options) as he is today....but also maybe better if next year's applications pan out differently. There's no doubt he'll be in a better place next year emotionally, having filled his bucket. I'm sure he will learn a lot in the next year. Time with family is precious but also eye opening. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP reporting back. DH and I declared a family emergency, canceled all of our meetings and had DS stay home from school so we could talk all of this through calmly and slowly. I’m very glad we did.

Things we learned today that we didn’t know before: 1) DS has actually thinking about this for a while, and was steeling himself to make the pitch no matter where he did or didn’t get in to school. Having his choices narrowed so dramatically made it an easier call, but it sounds like we may have been having this conversation no matter what. 2) The reason: DS does not have doubts about going to college, but in the short term what he wants even more is real time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We knew that DS missed them all terribly during the pandemic, just as DH and I did — but we just didn’t realize he felt it quite this keenly. He said that there’s a lot of different ways he can go to college, but his grandparents are alive and healthy right now and they really need his help right now. Put those two things together and DS sees spending the next year with them as the time-sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity he puts more value on.

All of the college planning questions remain, of course, and I am extremely grateful to all of who you raised so many good points/questions that I would never have thought of. We’ve been in touch with DS’s college counselor at school, and she is going to make a referral for us to a private consultant she thinks will be able to help us make a plan. DS’s grades and extra-curricular are actually ending on a high note so he will have that going for him into next year’s cycle.

As for DH and I: I am still in shock, to a degree, but DH is already essentially recovered and even making jokes about how at least now we have an extra year and a third full-time income to help save for college! And I will say this: I may be worried about DS, but I honestly kind of admire him, too. I don’t think my own values were this well and strongly formed at this age. In fact, I know they weren’t. I guess sometimes we raise them, and sometimes they raise us.

You've raised a good kid, you should be proud. Maybe he can take a class at a community college or online just keep his feet wet, with the goal of doing well and showing colleges he's maturing academically? Just an idea

[Anonymous]

Can he defer admission into the school he was accepted to and reapply elsewhere during his gap year?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the update, OP. Your son sounds like a wonderful young man who knows what’s important. He will go far in life.

[Anonymous]

Have him take a few classes at the community or local college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have him take a few classes at the community or local college.

Do NOT do this as it might affect eligibility for merit scholarship money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him take a few classes at the community or local college.

Do NOT do this as it might affect eligibility for merit scholarship money.

If he did not get into these schools he needs to lower his standards and apply to realistic schools. Working for a year isn’t going to get him in a better school with merit aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him take a few classes at the community or local college.

Do NOT do this as it might affect eligibility for merit scholarship money.

If he did not get into these schools he needs to lower his standards and apply to realistic schools. Working for a year isn’t going to get him in a better school with merit aid.

The point is that he needs to apply as an incoming/new freshman, not a transfer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him take a few classes at the community or local college.

Do NOT do this as it might affect eligibility for merit scholarship money.

If he did not get into these schools he needs to lower his standards and apply to realistic schools. Working for a year isn’t going to get him in a better school with merit aid.

The point is that he needs to apply as an incoming/new freshman, not a transfer.

Yes, this is a concern. However, to be considered a transfer, a certain number of college credit hours must be completed. A couple of courses will not change the son's status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You would have to look at the terms of the deferral agreement for the particular school. Ultimately at any school, you'd just lose your deposit, but they wouldn't know that you were applying elsewhere.

This isn't true in many cases.

When you agree to go to X college and pay a deposit--even if you intend to defer--your high school has to send acopy of your final transcript, including your last semester. Often, as part of that process the high school agrees that it will not send copies of the student's transcript to any other college without notifying the college where the student has deferred enrollment.

So, when the student who has deferred tries to get the high school to send a transcript to other colleges, the guidance counselor will say no. No transcripts and no recommendation from the guidance counselor will be sent until the student notifies the college at which the student has agreed to enroll.

Even at the small number of colleges that will accept an unofficial transcript to apply, you usually need a final, official one to enroll. Then you're up a creek without a paddle.

I

OP, I don't think your DS understands that his choices may be starting where he is admitted and transferring or community college then transferring. Doing more of what is already on the application is not going to make his fall application stronger for the schools he is disappointed about.

If he does not defer he may have no option but community college. If he does defer, he may be locked in to attending for the reasons above, so what will have been the point of delaying going there by a year?

I think he is misunderstanding that he is going to get a blank slate and do over and have as good or even better odds but it doesn't work that way. He can always work on the farm this summer. Again, working on the family farm is ALREADY on his applications, so it adds nothing new except a possible red flag that he did not go "on time."

Please have him talk to a consultant and go for another visit to the school. Being older is not at all the same experience may both impact HS friendships and put him out of step if he tries to go in 2024 and in all likelihood the choice will be the school on the table or community college. Those 2 sets of friendships can be really important in adult life. I know he feels disappointed but I don't think he understands the ramifications.

I graduated college in 3 years for financial reasons and feel it impacted those friendships not to have been there for the final year together. I've stayed in touch with people but the ties are not as close. When DS is 19 and possibly in dorms with 17 year olds he is not going to feel a "fit" and if he has to go to community college in 2024 then transfer, it will be a VERY different experience than peers had. Temporary emotions are just that. And of course, if he does not go to college it will be a very different trajectory. Does he hope to inherit the family farm and make that a career? That is the only way it makes sense to do more of the same farm work.

+100 to all of this

OP has since updated but I disagree with the conclusion in the above that he might end up with only community college as an option. We know nothing about his stats or the kinds of schools he applied to but there seems a hint that he was a reasonably good student. There are plenty of schools out there that aren’t community college and aren’t rejective where he could apply next year and be accepted. Whether those are better schools than the acceptance he currently has in hand I have no idea but there can be options.

OP, your son sounds very committed to this family farm and agriculture. Was that emphasized in the applications this round? This may be something he may want to go all in on next time around and I’d imagine there are schools that are strong in agriculture that most of us in this area don’t pay a lot of attention to but would be solid in that field. There was all that back and forth about Cornell but I’m guessing Nebraska and Kansas have strong programs and I’ve actually heard great things about Kansas.

UC Davis is another school I’d consider for someone with an agricultural interest.

Didn't Purdue start off as an agriculture school?
The kid showed initiative and motivation with this gap year farm plan.
I think OP's son made a respectable choice and he may enter college with a well informed agenda about what he wants to do with his education.
As we all know, there are TONS of kids taking out loans, losing 4 years of prime youth and coming out of college with no direction, no clue and a useless degree.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it makes your child feel better, my child's competitive SHSAT high school had a lot of similar outcomes. Early April was an awful time for the seniors at her school.

[Anonymous]

DS was in a similar position last year. Applied to 7 schools, admitted to schools that he liked but did not love, and then began to question everything, including the list of schools he'd chosen to apply to. He took a gap year, pursued some self-study and certifications, took the SAT again, and applied again this cycle to an entirely different list of schools. Outcomes were much better, and he is fully committed and heading off in August.

I love that your DS exercised agency and formulated a plan for a gap year. Not everyone's path looks the same.

[Anonymous]

He may be able to be wiser in his essay - able to look back and see what was presented missed the mark.

Another "benefit" might be he can apply to the state flagship of the farm as an IS student (need to research)

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. I grew up in a huge farm family and your update had me in tears. I hope the gap year works out. My parents don’t have their farm anymore (but my uncles and cousins do and my nephew spent a college summer working for them) but if they did and my son wanted to do a gap year like yours I’d let him do it.

[Anonymous]

UDC has an ag program as well

All Land Grant Universities do