DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year

[Anonymous]

Wishing the best for your son. I don’t think it makes sense to force your kid to attend a college he isn’t interested in attending, That said, he needs to have a solid plan about how he will handle college process during the gap year
- will living in the other state and working mess up any residency for applying to your current state? I’m assuming they wouldn’t be able to get residency for state tuition purposes in their grandparents state
- have they spoken to their guidance counselor and know how to get their recommendation and transcripts over to schools during their gap year and have a timeline for when to research, visit, and apply? They won’t have the high school or you guiding that timeline.
- if they aren’t happy with the results the next time around, what would happen in terms of education? Would they consider a 2 year college then transferring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You would have to look at the terms of the deferral agreement for the particular school. Ultimately at any school, you'd just lose your deposit, but they wouldn't know that you were applying elsewhere.

This isn't true in many cases.

When you agree to go to X college and pay a deposit--even if you intend to defer--your high school has to send acopy of your final transcript, including your last semester. Often, as part of that process the high school agrees that it will not send copies of the student's transcript to any other college without notifying the college where the student has deferred enrollment.

So, when the student who has deferred tries to get the high school to send a transcript to other colleges, the guidance counselor will say no. No transcripts and no recommendation from the guidance counselor will be sent until the student notifies the college at which the student has agreed to enroll.

Even at the small number of colleges that will accept an unofficial transcript to apply, you usually need a final, official one to enroll. Then you're up a creek without a paddle.

I

OP, I don't think your DS understands that his choices may be starting where he is admitted and transferring or community college then transferring. Doing more of what is already on the application is not going to make his fall application stronger for the schools he is disappointed about.

If he does not defer he may have no option but community college. If he does defer, he may be locked in to attending for the reasons above, so what will have been the point of delaying going there by a year?

I think he is misunderstanding that he is going to get a blank slate and do over and have as good or even better odds but it doesn't work that way. He can always work on the farm this summer. Again, working on the family farm is ALREADY on his applications, so it adds nothing new except a possible red flag that he did not go "on time."

Please have him talk to a consultant and go for another visit to the school. Being older is not at all the same experience may both impact HS friendships and put him out of step if he tries to go in 2024 and in all likelihood the choice will be the school on the table or community college. Those 2 sets of friendships can be really important in adult life. I know he feels disappointed but I don't think he understands the ramifications.

I graduated college in 3 years for financial reasons and feel it impacted those friendships not to have been there for the final year together. I've stayed in touch with people but the ties are not as close. When DS is 19 and possibly in dorms with 17 year olds he is not going to feel a "fit" and if he has to go to community college in 2024 then transfer, it will be a VERY different experience than peers had. Temporary emotions are just that. And of course, if he does not go to college it will be a very different trajectory. Does he hope to inherit the family farm and make that a career? That is the only way it makes sense to do more of the same farm work.

+100 to all of this

OP has since updated but I disagree with the conclusion in the above that he might end up with only community college as an option. We know nothing about his stats or the kinds of schools he applied to but there seems a hint that he was a reasonably good student. There are plenty of schools out there that aren’t community college and aren’t rejective where he could apply next year and be accepted. Whether those are better schools than the acceptance he currently has in hand I have no idea but there can be options.

OP, your son sounds very committed to this family farm and agriculture. Was that emphasized in the applications this round? This may be something he may want to go all in on next time around and I’d imagine there are schools that are strong in agriculture that most of us in this area don’t pay a lot of attention to but would be solid in that field. There was all that back and forth about Cornell but I’m guessing Nebraska and Kansas have strong programs and I’ve actually heard great things about Kansas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP reporting back. DH and I declared a family emergency, canceled all of our meetings and had DS stay home from school so we could talk all of this through calmly and slowly. I’m very glad we did.

Things we learned today that we didn’t know before: 1) DS has actually thinking about this for a while, and was steeling himself to make the pitch no matter where he did or didn’t get in to school. Having his choices narrowed so dramatically made it an easier call, but it sounds like we may have been having this conversation no matter what. 2) The reason: DS does not have doubts about going to college, but in the short term what he wants even more is real time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We knew that DS missed them all terribly during the pandemic, just as DH and I did — but we just didn’t realize he felt it quite this keenly. He said that there’s a lot of different ways he can go to college, but his grandparents are alive and healthy right now and they really need his help right now. Put those two things together and DS sees spending the next year with them as the time-sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity he puts more value on.

All of the college planning questions remain, of course, and I am extremely grateful to all of who you raised so many good points/questions that I would never have thought of. We’ve been in touch with DS’s college counselor at school, and she is going to make a referral for us to a private consultant she thinks will be able to help us make a plan. DS’s grades and extra-curricular are actually ending on a high note so he will have that going for him into next year’s cycle.

As for DH and I: I am still in shock, to a degree, but DH is already essentially recovered and even making jokes about how at least now we have an extra year and a third full-time income to help save for college! And I will say this: I may be worried about DS, but I honestly kind of admire him, too. I don’t think my own values were this well and strongly formed at this age. In fact, I know they weren’t. I guess sometimes we raise them, and sometimes they raise us.

He sounds like a great kid, op. Don’t take what you hear on DCUM too seriously. I wish you and your family the best of luck as you navigate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You would have to look at the terms of the deferral agreement for the particular school. Ultimately at any school, you'd just lose your deposit, but they wouldn't know that you were applying elsewhere.

This isn't true in many cases.

When you agree to go to X college and pay a deposit--even if you intend to defer--your high school has to send acopy of your final transcript, including your last semester. Often, as part of that process the high school agrees that it will not send copies of the student's transcript to any other college without notifying the college where the student has deferred enrollment.

So, when the student who has deferred tries to get the high school to send a transcript to other colleges, the guidance counselor will say no. No transcripts and no recommendation from the guidance counselor will be sent until the student notifies the college at which the student has agreed to enroll.

Even at the small number of colleges that will accept an unofficial transcript to apply, you usually need a final, official one to enroll. Then you're up a creek without a paddle.

I

OP, I don't think your DS understands that his choices may be starting where he is admitted and transferring or community college then transferring. Doing more of what is already on the application is not going to make his fall application stronger for the schools he is disappointed about.

If he does not defer he may have no option but community college. If he does defer, he may be locked in to attending for the reasons above, so what will have been the point of delaying going there by a year?

I think he is misunderstanding that he is going to get a blank slate and do over and have as good or even better odds but it doesn't work that way. He can always work on the farm this summer. Again, working on the family farm is ALREADY on his applications, so it adds nothing new except a possible red flag that he did not go "on time."

Please have him talk to a consultant and go for another visit to the school. Being older is not at all the same experience may both impact HS friendships and put him out of step if he tries to go in 2024 and in all likelihood the choice will be the school on the table or community college. Those 2 sets of friendships can be really important in adult life. I know he feels disappointed but I don't think he understands the ramifications.

I graduated college in 3 years for financial reasons and feel it impacted those friendships not to have been there for the final year together. I've stayed in touch with people but the ties are not as close. When DS is 19 and possibly in dorms with 17 year olds he is not going to feel a "fit" and if he has to go to community college in 2024 then transfer, it will be a VERY different experience than peers had. Temporary emotions are just that. And of course, if he does not go to college it will be a very different trajectory. Does he hope to inherit the family farm and make that a career? That is the only way it makes sense to do more of the same farm work.

+100 to all of this

OP has since updated but I disagree with the conclusion in the above that he might end up with only community college as an option. We know nothing about his stats or the kinds of schools he applied to but there seems a hint that he was a reasonably good student. There are plenty of schools out there that aren’t community college and aren’t rejective where he could apply next year and be accepted. Whether those are better schools than the acceptance he currently has in hand I have no idea but there can be options.

OP, your son sounds very committed to this family farm and agriculture. Was that emphasized in the applications this round? This may be something he may want to go all in on next time around and I’d imagine there are schools that are strong in agriculture that most of us in this area don’t pay a lot of attention to but would be solid in that field. There was all that back and forth about Cornell but I’m guessing Nebraska and Kansas have strong programs and I’ve actually heard great things about Kansas.

UC Davis is another school I’d consider for someone with an agricultural interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Join the military. Enlist. Should be substantial benefits for college.

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is such a smart idea. I'm surprised by the pushback.

I don't like that he went to grandparents first, but maybe he wanted to see if it was even an option. I'll give him a pass on this one.

Right now I'd ask him, How much are going to be paid? (adulting lesson - ask about money, even with family)

And assuming that's okay (farm help doesn't pay a lot and minus room/board it may not be much, but it should be something and that something should be saved), I'd tell him you want to see a list of what colleges he'll apply to in the Fall. You want that now. It's a draft, but it should be a considered draft. He won't know a lot more about this process 4 months from now than he does right now.

Some kids think a gap year is a gap year, but look at juniors .. they're being told right now to do their essays this summer. This is where gap year kids fall apart a bit.

So before he goes, you write out a timeline. Testing is done now. No retakes. Essays done by x date. You don't need this done by Sept 1 but you want this all done early enough that the gap year will be spent working, not stressing every deadline. Replaying this stressful year AGAIN is not good for anyone's mental health.

IMO his list should include Cornell's International Agriculture/Rural Dev major which is super interesting, pretty transferrable, and likes kids with this experience. He could also switch if it's not perfect. The argriculture/climate change space is also really expanding in both colleges and the job market.

From one farm kid to another (potential) one, GL!

You think that a kid who went 1/11 on his college apps is going to be accepted to Cornell University because he spent some more time working on grandma's farm ?

His farm experience didn't resonate too well on his first round of college applications.

Yep, I'm pretty familiar with that program and I think he has a good shot if he can talk real science. His apps need to be re-worked obv, but I suspect they were pretty vanilla. "Grandma's farm" has a hint of derision about it, but there's nothing rinky-dink about a year on a farm. It's a data-driven business that is changing all the time with new technologies in every department. I get that you're not impressed, but it's apparent you have very little insight in this area.

It is apparent that you have very little insight to Cornell University admissions--and especially with respect to the quasi-public ag school.

I mean, you can find my name on their website. But okay! (and quasi-public .. eyeroll)

Well, your eyeroll just confirmed that you do not know much about Cornell University.

DP. I know nothing about Cornell, but as a senior tech exec whose posts about CS are often criticized by SAHPs whose familiarity with CS seems to come from TV shows, I sympathize with the eye roller who — unlike most — seems to actually know that they are talking about.

Dismissive PP’s post is the epitome of DCUM ignorance and arrogance. This forum is Dunning Kruger central.

Curious as to whether or not you believe in karma ?

Bet you don't feel so superior now.

Your immaturity is n full, glorious display. Not a good look. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You would have to look at the terms of the deferral agreement for the particular school. Ultimately at any school, you'd just lose your deposit, but they wouldn't know that you were applying elsewhere.

This isn't true in many cases.

When you agree to go to X college and pay a deposit--even if you intend to defer--your high school has to send acopy of your final transcript, including your last semester. Often, as part of that process the high school agrees that it will not send copies of the student's transcript to any other college without notifying the college where the student has deferred enrollment.

So, when the student who has deferred tries to get the high school to send a transcript to other colleges, the guidance counselor will say no. No transcripts and no recommendation from the guidance counselor will be sent until the student notifies the college at which the student has agreed to enroll.

Even at the small number of colleges that will accept an unofficial transcript to apply, you usually need a final, official one to enroll. Then you're up a creek without a paddle.

I

OP, I don't think your DS understands that his choices may be starting where he is admitted and transferring or community college then transferring. Doing more of what is already on the application is not going to make his fall application stronger for the schools he is disappointed about.

If he does not defer he may have no option but community college. If he does defer, he may be locked in to attending for the reasons above, so what will have been the point of delaying going there by a year?

I think he is misunderstanding that he is going to get a blank slate and do over and have as good or even better odds but it doesn't work that way. He can always work on the farm this summer. Again, working on the family farm is ALREADY on his applications, so it adds nothing new except a possible red flag that he did not go "on time."

Please have him talk to a consultant and go for another visit to the school. Being older is not at all the same experience may both impact HS friendships and put him out of step if he tries to go in 2024 and in all likelihood the choice will be the school on the table or community college. Those 2 sets of friendships can be really important in adult life. I know he feels disappointed but I don't think he understands the ramifications.

I graduated college in 3 years for financial reasons and feel it impacted those friendships not to have been there for the final year together. I've stayed in touch with people but the ties are not as close. When DS is 19 and possibly in dorms with 17 year olds he is not going to feel a "fit" and if he has to go to community college in 2024 then transfer, it will be a VERY different experience than peers had. Temporary emotions are just that. And of course, if he does not go to college it will be a very different trajectory. Does he hope to inherit the family farm and make that a career? That is the only way it makes sense to do more of the same farm work.

+100 to all of this

OP has since updated but I disagree with the conclusion in the above that he might end up with only community college as an option. We know nothing about his stats or the kinds of schools he applied to but there seems a hint that he was a reasonably good student. There are plenty of schools out there that aren’t community college and aren’t rejective where he could apply next year and be accepted. Whether those are better schools than the acceptance he currently has in hand I have no idea but there can be options.

OP, your son sounds very committed to this family farm and agriculture. Was that emphasized in the applications this round? This may be something he may want to go all in on next time around and I’d imagine there are schools that are strong in agriculture that most of us in this area don’t pay a lot of attention to but would be solid in that field. There was all that back and forth about Cornell but I’m guessing Nebraska and Kansas have strong programs and I’ve actually heard great things about Kansas.

Adding Texas A&M, all about the ag in Aggieland

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP reporting back. DH and I declared a family emergency, canceled all of our meetings and had DS stay home from school so we could talk all of this through calmly and slowly. I’m very glad we did.

Things we learned today that we didn’t know before: 1) DS has actually thinking about this for a while, and was steeling himself to make the pitch no matter where he did or didn’t get in to school. Having his choices narrowed so dramatically made it an easier call, but it sounds like we may have been having this conversation no matter what. 2) The reason: DS does not have doubts about going to college, but in the short term what he wants even more is real time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We knew that DS missed them all terribly during the pandemic, just as DH and I did — but we just didn’t realize he felt it quite this keenly. He said that there’s a lot of different ways he can go to college, but his grandparents are alive and healthy right now and they really need his help right now. Put those two things together and DS sees spending the next year with them as the time-sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity he puts more value on.

All of the college planning questions remain, of course, and I am extremely grateful to all of who you raised so many good points/questions that I would never have thought of. We’ve been in touch with DS’s college counselor at school, and she is going to make a referral for us to a private consultant she thinks will be able to help us make a plan. DS’s grades and extra-curricular are actually ending on a high note so he will have that going for him into next year’s cycle.

As for DH and I: I am still in shock, to a degree, but DH is already essentially recovered and even making jokes about how at least now we have an extra year and a third full-time income to help save for college! And I will say this: I may be worried about DS, but I honestly kind of admire him, too. I don’t think my own values were this well and strongly formed at this age. In fact, I know they weren’t. I guess sometimes we raise them, and sometimes they raise us.

I came back looking for an update and I am so happy to read this! I'm a big believer in allowing teens to make their own decisions, consequences and all. Your raised a great kid. Congrats mom and dad! and especially DS

[Anonymous]

I think he'd be better off going to community college and bulking up his CV.

The applicants he'll be competing against next year aren't getting less qualified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think your son is acting mature at all. He took the easy way out — working in a familiar setting with grandparents and cousins.
I’m not a big fan of gap years because college passes very quickly and all the friends and acquaintances have moved on and matured. His ego is hurt. I get that.
But colleges are a business and admissions get harder not easier.
Revisit the college. Take a deferral if you can. You don’t know whether the next cycle will be better than this one. Your best chance is right after HS.
I think as parents your fears are legitimate. GL.

All of this.

+2
Take a deferral to the school he was admitted to.
Work the year at the farm and also invest time this summer in something that will improve his fall applications if he wants to try applying to different schools.
Be prepared to go to the admitted school if he doesn’t come up with other options.

He may not be able to apply if deferred. OP you need to find out if his HS would send out another round of recs and transcripts if he is graduated and deferred. They may not. If he will be locked into that school, may as well go in the fall. If he does not lock it in by attending or deferring, he may be at a local 2 year college in 2024. He has not proposed doing something new for the next round of applications, the farm is already there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP reporting back. DH and I declared a family emergency, canceled all of our meetings and had DS stay home from school so we could talk all of this through calmly and slowly. I’m very glad we did.

Things we learned today that we didn’t know before: 1) DS has actually thinking about this for a while, and was steeling himself to make the pitch no matter where he did or didn’t get in to school. Having his choices narrowed so dramatically made it an easier call, but it sounds like we may have been having this conversation no matter what. 2) The reason: DS does not have doubts about going to college, but in the short term what he wants even more is real time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We knew that DS missed them all terribly during the pandemic, just as DH and I did — but we just didn’t realize he felt it quite this keenly. He said that there’s a lot of different ways he can go to college, but his grandparents are alive and healthy right now and they really need his help right now. Put those two things together and DS sees spending the next year with them as the time-sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity he puts more value on.

All of the college planning questions remain, of course, and I am extremely grateful to all of who you raised so many good points/questions that I would never have thought of. We’ve been in touch with DS’s college counselor at school, and she is going to make a referral for us to a private consultant she thinks will be able to help us make a plan. DS’s grades and extra-curricular are actually ending on a high note so he will have that going for him into next year’s cycle.

As for DH and I: I am still in shock, to a degree, but DH is already essentially recovered and even making jokes about how at least now we have an extra year and a third full-time income to help save for college! And I will say this: I may be worried about DS, but I honestly kind of admire him, too. I don’t think my own values were this well and strongly formed at this age. In fact, I know they weren’t. I guess sometimes we raise them, and sometimes they raise us.

Best to all of you, OP. Family time is precious.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for sharing your update! Sounds like you all were able to have

And for the people saying "Let him do it; working on a farm will be great for his applications" just don't get it. Everything one does in life doesn't have to be to just set themselves up for something else.

Advice though - he may change his mind. If he's open to it, you may want to casually create a plan b together. Maybe defer the school he got into until the spring semester?

[Anonymous]

Listen to the Ask Lisa podcast. Two weeks go it was "Should my Child Take a Gap Year." VERY helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You would have to look at the terms of the deferral agreement for the particular school. Ultimately at any school, you'd just lose your deposit, but they wouldn't know that you were applying elsewhere.

This isn't true in many cases.

When you agree to go to X college and pay a deposit--even if you intend to defer--your high school has to send acopy of your final transcript, including your last semester. Often, as part of that process the high school agrees that it will not send copies of the student's transcript to any other college without notifying the college where the student has deferred enrollment.

So, when the student who has deferred tries to get the high school to send a transcript to other colleges, the guidance counselor will say no. No transcripts and no recommendation from the guidance counselor will be sent until the student notifies the college at which the student has agreed to enroll.

Even at the small number of colleges that will accept an unofficial transcript to apply, you usually need a final, official one to enroll. Then you're up a creek without a paddle.

I

OP, I don't think your DS understands that his choices may be starting where he is admitted and transferring or community college then transferring. Doing more of what is already on the application is not going to make his fall application stronger for the schools he is disappointed about.

If he does not defer he may have no option but community college. If he does defer, he may be locked in to attending for the reasons above, so what will have been the point of delaying going there by a year?

I think he is misunderstanding that he is going to get a blank slate and do over and have as good or even better odds but it doesn't work that way. He can always work on the farm this summer. Again, working on the family farm is ALREADY on his applications, so it adds nothing new except a possible red flag that he did not go "on time."

Please have him talk to a consultant and go for another visit to the school. Being older is not at all the same experience may both impact HS friendships and put him out of step if he tries to go in 2024 and in all likelihood the choice will be the school on the table or community college. Those 2 sets of friendships can be really important in adult life. I know he feels disappointed but I don't think he understands the ramifications.

I graduated college in 3 years for financial reasons and feel it impacted those friendships not to have been there for the final year together. I've stayed in touch with people but the ties are not as close. When DS is 19 and possibly in dorms with 17 year olds he is not going to feel a "fit" and if he has to go to community college in 2024 then transfer, it will be a VERY different experience than peers had. Temporary emotions are just that. And of course, if he does not go to college it will be a very different trajectory. Does he hope to inherit the family farm and make that a career? That is the only way it makes sense to do more of the same farm work.

He sounds like a great kid, OP. He will get in somewhere next year, and I think the devotion to his grandparents could be great essay material as well as important personally.

I lost my dad during covid, and I'm glad my kids had a lot of contact with him. His illness was not anticipated and progressed quickly. I think grandparents time is time well invested no matter what next year's results are.

[Anonymous]

Heartwarming update. I have a feeling this is going to have a spectacular ending (and I didn’t have that feeling initially!) Hugs to you and your son OP!