DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
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Anonymous
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Hi, everyone. I am not actually sure in some ways if this post belongs in on the College board or maybe the Raising Teenagers board -- Jeff, if I've called it wrong, I understand if you need to move it.
In a nutshell: after working his heart out for four years, and applying to a wide range of schools that included 3 reaches, 6 likelies, and 2 safeties, DS has been shut out from all but one school -- one of his likelies, but the one he liked least. He is on the waitlist at 3 others, including his favorite 'likely', but all have been candid in acknowledging that the odds of admission off of the list this year are not very good. His father and I had discussed possible such scenarios with DS many times during the admissions season, and honestly thought we had all landed on an agreement that DS would only apply to schools he was truly open to attending (and we were comfortable that we could pay for), and therefore would attend any one of the pool with an open mind and heart. But: DS now says, while he said that and meant it at the time, right now, in the moment he cannot say in good conscience that he has any desire to attend the school he was admitted to. In fact, he would rather not go at all. Instead, without consulting us first, DS has contacted DH's parents who own a large farm in the Midwest, to ask if they would be willing to host him for a gap year in exchange for his help on the farm. (As background: for the last several years, DH has spent 6-8 weeks each summer helping out on the farm, along with all of his cousins, so is very familiar with what he is getting into). They were ecstatic and immediately agreed, provided DH and I concur. DS plans to use the year to 'clear his head' and re-apply in the next admissions cycle, next time with a better idea of exactly what he will and will not compromise on for his college experience. To say that DH and I's heads are spinning is an understatement. My concerns: DS is likely to find it harder, not easier, to compete for college admission with next year's crop of applicants; that he is over-reacting in the moment to upsetting news, and actually would be happy at the college he has been admitted to if he would only give it a shot; and, that he will get used to having money in his pocket and the independence of working, and perhaps decide not to go to college at all. DH agrees with me on worrying that next year will be even harder to apply, and is frustrated/angry that DS did not talk to us first, as we are also now in the position of breaking his parents' hearts if we say no. His father was also very frank with him that DS's help would be an answered prayer in a year where they are desperate for help on the farm and cannot find it anywhere. But, as DH and I are firm on: we love his parents dearly, but our job is to be DS's parents -- and as parents, we don't know what to do. Anyone else ever faced this conundrum? Did you push your child to at least give a least-desired college a try, and if so did it work out? Alternatively, any advice on the gap year/family dynamics part? |
Anonymous
| What does he want to major in? Will working on the farm in anyway relate to it? |
Anonymous
| That’s hard. But unless he was literally robbing your family of proper life necessities, I would not impose my will on an 18 yr old — beyond, of course, rational debate/discussion of pros and cons. |
Anonymous
| Have you taken your son to visit the college in question? Even if you did, maybe a second visit would be helpful before making a decision? I think I'd probably be okay with a gap year under the circumstances, if he really doesn't like it. |
Anonymous
| I think you should listen to your kid, who is exercising independence in what seems like a really responsible way. He is making a decision that feels right to him, and allowing him to make it (whether or not it goes well!) will benefit your relationship with him in the long term, as well as his confidence in himself. Plus the time with grandparents - of his choosing! It sounds like you have a great kid who knows what he wants/needs right now. Listen to him. College will be there. |
Anonymous
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My family is in agriculture and has hosted multiple wayward high school graduates and college dropouts for a gap year. Every single one of them has thanked us for the experience and went back to school.
Most importantly they get a chance to see what physical labor looks like for the 60 year old employees. |
Anonymous
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It would help to know the school in question as well as your son's intended major. Which was his favorite school among those to which he applied ?
Should be some level of concern about buyer's remorse when your son experiences his friends leaving for college. Do I understand correctly, your son applied to 11 schools, was accepted to one, waitlisted by three, and rejected by seven ? |
Anonymous
DS isn't sure -- he listed biology on his applications, just because it is his stronger academic interest, but he was torn between that and potentially studying business. Broadly speaking, DS is interested in the business of life sciences, which was inspired by his summer work on the farm the past few years. So in that one specific respect, a gap year on the farm might actually help. But I don't know if it would help enough to make up for the other concerns. |
Anonymous
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I would let him do it. It may be harder to apply, but I would imagine he would target schools he liked more than his current option (vs. schools that are necessarily more competitive to get into than his current option). You can encourage him to give his current option a try, but I would not force it.
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Anonymous
| Can he take online courses during the gap year and transfer to his program? |
Anonymous
The issue may be whether the son is exercising independence or over-reacting to a real life setback. |
Anonymous
| Why not work hard, get a 4.0 and transfer somewhere preferable? Transferring isn’t ideal but it’s very common. Could be easier to get into certain schools as a transfer student vs regular applicant |
Anonymous
| Which midwestern state? Can he establish residency and would he consider applying instate (or even OOS) to the flagship? |
Anonymous
This can be risky if seeking merit scholarship money. |