DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year

[Anonymous]

IMO, a gap year can be good. More time to grow up, take a break from relentless academic pressure.

However, it doesn't appear that the reason your DS wants a gap year is any of those. Seems more like he is disappointed in the admissions results and so he wants to go sulk.

I get it. DC with really really high stats from a magnet got shut out of all but one safety, which is the local (and I mean local) flagship. They didn't want to go to the local college for 13th year. However, after getting over the initial sting, we went to the open house, and DC started to get really excited about the prospect of living on campus (even though we are really close, we want DC to experience that independent), and that their good friends are also going there.

But, the initial sting did really do a number on their ego. Everyone expected them to go to a "better" school because DC is super smart and has this reputation at school.

I think your concerns are legitimate. Did you take them to the open house at all? Did they tour the campus at all? I think your DS is basically running away from the problem, tbh.

I have always told DC that the experience that they have wherever they are is what they make of it and that life is full of disappointments, but you have to make lemonade out of lemons -- trite, I know.. but still true.

Your DC could also go to community college for a year or two and then try to transfer to the college they really like.

I do think your concerns are valid. It's very possible that he has a harder time trying to get back into academics after taking that gap year. He seems to not be able to get over the disappointing college results. Explain to him that so many kids have gotten disappointing college results, including my own kid with really high stats, and DC is not alone in this.

IMO the bigger concern to me is that your kid is not able to handle a huge disappointment without wanting to run away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want to major in? Will working on the farm in anyway relate to it?

DS isn't sure -- he listed biology on his applications, just because it is his stronger academic interest, but he was torn between that and potentially studying business. Broadly speaking, DS is interested in the business of life sciences, which was inspired by his summer work on the farm the past few years. So in that one specific respect, a gap year on the farm might actually help. But I don't know if it would help enough to make up for the other concerns.

Next year’s compelling essay writes itself.

[Anonymous]

I have watched several of my DC’s peers take gap years and generally speaking they have not been good experiences. The biggest cost of a gap year is that your kid’s high school peer group will “move on” and have a year of incredible growth, possibly leaving your son with a feeling of having been left behind. That is debilitating. Two of the kids I know who took a gap year had admission lined up to T25 schools and it was still difficult for each of them. Applying again during a gap year will be extremely hard and likely won’t change the outcome. A better strategy is going to the school he did get into next fall and busting his butt to do well and then working from a position of strength apply to transfer. One of the biggest things I have learned on this journey is how much kids at this delicate age change from month to month. Give him some space to digest the disappointing outcome and regroup but pay the deposit for the school he got into. He will feel differently come next October when his peer group is moving on.

[Anonymous]

Do not make a kid who doesn’t want to go to college go to college. I took a gap year for similar reasons (deferred and did attend the school I was admitted to) and ended up very happy in college. The gap year was the best choice I ever made. It doesn’t matter if working on the farm contributes to his future career. I pursed high level athletics that have nothing to do with my job but it’s the thing I talked about most during my job interviews. It shows you’re not a conformist and can think independently. People like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your kid, who is exercising independence in what seems like a really responsible way. He is making a decision that feels right to him, and allowing him to make it (whether or not it goes well!) will benefit your relationship with him in the long term, as well as his confidence in himself. Plus the time with grandparents - of his choosing! It sounds like you have a great kid who knows what he wants/needs right now. Listen to him. College will be there.

+1. Your kid sounds incredibly mature. I think this gap year will serve him well in his personal development, which is far more important than the name of the school he eventually attends. Only piece of advice would be to encourage him to focus on fit during the next cycle. More targets, fewer reaches. He may find that a little distance from the HS senior/frenetic college app experience will change what he values in a college. OP, there are few situations in which I'd "vote" for a gap year, but this is one of them. Let your kid go.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you and your DC are in this position, OP.

I appreciate how strongly he seems to know himself in this moment, and his initiative in finding a solution. I think it would be hard, but I would try to let go and trust that he is serious about applying the following year. The gut is a powerful thing and his is set against the one school that admitted him. It would be very hard (and probably fool-hardy) to try to convince him otherwise.

Your fears are totally understandable, but your DC sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. He isn't asking you to support him while he backpacks around Europe. He's going to be working hard on a farm and hanging out with his grandparents. If he'd rather do THAT than attend this college, he obviously feels it strongly. I admire his initiative and how confident he is that he knows what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not work hard, get a 4.0 and transfer somewhere preferable? Transferring isn’t ideal but it’s very common. Could be easier to get into certain schools as a transfer student vs regular applicant

We don't know the schools in question or the student's intended major or desired career. Specifics matter.

The son is reacting to rejection in an emotional manner. May be a good course of action or may not be. He will experience strong emotions in the fall.

A gap year visiting grandpa & grandma on their working farm is a safe retreat, not an exercise of independence like venturing into the real world.

[Anonymous]

Can you, along with your son, secure an in person meeting with your guidance counselor? Find out the pros and cons of the gap year. Can the same recommendations be used? Did your DS have a strong senior year resulting in raising his GPA? Will your DS be re-testing? Can/should you defer from the accepted school in case the outcome remains the same?

[Anonymous]

I took a gap year and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I wworked a manual job and traveled, and had life experiences I would never otherwise have had.

However, i didn’t do it for academic reasons, I had already been accepted to my college on deferred entry. So I can’t speak to your kid’s chances applying again. But under the right circumstances it can be very valuable as an opportunity to step off the treadmill that so many in this region are on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your kid, who is exercising independence in what seems like a really responsible way. He is making a decision that feels right to him, and allowing him to make it (whether or not it goes well!) will benefit your relationship with him in the long term, as well as his confidence in himself. Plus the time with grandparents - of his choosing! It sounds like you have a great kid who knows what he wants/needs right now. Listen to him. College will be there.

The issue may be whether the son is exercising independence or over-reacting to a real life setback.

As a responsible, young adult, it seems either is his decision. I’d be more concerned if he had no plan B. But here, everyone knows basically what he’s in for and admittedly it also has upsides (compare, say, “backpacking across Europe for a year “).

[Anonymous]

1. Defer from the accepted school for a year - do not decline (say its to help grandparents on the family farm, should be fine).

2. Let him go work on the farm! He will mature and do manual labor and spend time with grandparents - win/win/win.

3. He applies again, writing his essay about helping out on the family farm, which lead him to apply to different schools.

4. He gets in at new schools, or, he attends the one he deferred. Make it clear that these are the only options, he can have a gap year on the farm, but he has to go to college after that

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds independent and mature. Working on a farm is really hard work. I admire him for wanting to do this. I would let him do it. In the long run I'm sure everything will work out well for him. He sounds like a great kid /(man).

[Anonymous]

Let him work for his grandparents. He may find admissions harder next year, but he'll have a better idea of what he's looking for, and that's important.

A college student who doesn't want to be there is wasting everyone's time and money.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he’s making a perfectly reasonable adult decision and you should let him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want to major in? Will working on the farm in anyway relate to it?

DS isn't sure -- he listed biology on his applications, just because it is his stronger academic interest, but he was torn between that and potentially studying business. Broadly speaking, DS is interested in the business of life sciences, which was inspired by his summer work on the farm the past few years. So in that one specific respect, a gap year on the farm might actually help. But I don't know if it would help enough to make up for the other concerns.

Agribusiness is different than the "business of life sciences".

OP: If you do not want to disclose the college or university in question, then please share whether it is an LAC or a university. If a university, was he admitted to the honors college ?

Hiding out on the grandparents working farm isn't likely to spur mature development as other more unknown and risky options might. Not a bad plan, but probably just a strong emotional reaction to receiving so many rejections.