Has confronting the other woman ever gone well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

Why not confront both of them? I’ve been married 25 years and if I found out my spouse had an AP over a period of time, I’d certainly need to find out who it was and say something. It’s really nice to think you can enter someone’s marriage with no consequences and the spouse is supposed to welcome you with open arms or turn him over.

Shedding light on a secret situation is empowering and an important part of recovery for many- whether they stay or go. You are t a victim when you look the big fat albatross directly in the eye and say “I see you”. It’s not so fun once the secret is out.

I’m not an OW, but if a wife confronted me I simply wouldn’t engage. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to, so I’d just leave.

“I’m so sorry” would be an adequate response. But I guess people with no conscience or empathy don’t feel they need to apologize to people they harm with their part in a situation.

Dream on. Why should she apologize to someone who literally wishes her ill? Apologizing won’t change anything. If she stopped it’s all that matters.

Omg. The OW wish the spouse will die or her husband will leave her. You think she’s thinking rosy hood thoughts for the wife the years she’s banging her spouse behind her back praying he will leave for her??

The delusion with these “wonderful” ow is so unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Honestly, if people have been married 25 years, he’s probably just bored to tears with your snatch. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

She likely is bored with his D and dad bod as well. But she doesn’t need to blow other men.

I heartily concur! Same old D is boring as hell. Why don’t they come to an agreement, then?

They did. The agreement was to be monogamous. He broke the agreement.

But if she’s bored as well, then why not spice things up?

Because they see more value in monogamy. People who always need to “spice things up” are chasing something that doesn’t exist. I’d suggest understanding why you have that unhealthy thought patterns.

Many people can’t be happy unless there is drama. It’s due to early childhood trauma and an addiction to cortisol which is released when engaging in risky activities. This is why when an affair is brought to light it becomes boring and rarely becomes a relationship.

Lol, there’s nothing sacrosanct about monogamy. Wanting something else is not pathological. Would you prefer your husband abruptly divorce you, than broach the topic of trying something a bit different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I confronted her, she kept on lying about it.

I also confronted. She got angry about him ratting her out and betraying all of their secrets to me. She also was terrified I was going to tell her spouse.

It was beneficial for me. I had already confronted and dealt with my spouse and I don’t let people bully me without confronting them.

Healing really didn’t begin until I got to say my piece to the people that wronged me. It was akin to taking my power back.

They both knew their families/spouses/kids would suffer trauma by what they were doing but it was just some harmless fun and an es are for them. “It didn’t mean anything”. They failed to calculate how wrong that was.

Oh and nobody knows but the 4 people (spouses and cheaters) not the kids. She had no employer and why would his work ever need to know?

Oh and her ho girlfriends she glamorized it too and also cheat on their husbands.

Oh so silly. Once you confront you have no control over who she tells, his work or whoever. You can’t control her response. Why escalate. Your DH is the o my one who matters.

You realize there was no control and she already was telling other people. And then there is the inherent risk of other people seeing the spouse and OW together and the kids finding out that way. That’s a much greater risk. Better to end the whole thing.

Really? And you think this is the OW’s responsibility and not YOUR HUSBAND’S?

It’s both. Period. Two married people risk blowing up two families and messing up two sets of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I confronted her, she kept on lying about it.

I also confronted. She got angry about him ratting her out and betraying all of their secrets to me. She also was terrified I was going to tell her spouse.

It was beneficial for me. I had already confronted and dealt with my spouse and I don’t let people bully me without confronting them.

Healing really didn’t begin until I got to say my piece to the people that wronged me. It was akin to taking my power back.

They both knew their families/spouses/kids would suffer trauma by what they were doing but it was just some harmless fun and an es are for them. “It didn’t mean anything”. They failed to calculate how wrong that was.

Oh and nobody knows but the 4 people (spouses and cheaters) not the kids. She had no employer and why would his work ever need to know?

Oh and her ho girlfriends she glamorized it too and also cheat on their husbands.

Oh so silly. Once you confront you have no control over who she tells, his work or whoever. You can’t control her response. Why escalate. Your DH is the o my one who matters.

You realize there was no control and she already was telling other people. And then there is the inherent risk of other people seeing the spouse and OW together and the kids finding out that way. That’s a much greater risk. Better to end the whole thing.

Really? And you think this is the OW’s responsibility and not YOUR HUSBAND’S?

Why do you continually think it’s one or the other. It both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

Why not confront both of them? I’ve been married 25 years and if I found out my spouse had an AP over a period of time, I’d certainly need to find out who it was and say something. It’s really nice to think you can enter someone’s marriage with no consequences and the spouse is supposed to welcome you with open arms or turn him over.

Shedding light on a secret situation is empowering and an important part of recovery for many- whether they stay or go. You are t a victim when you look the big fat albatross directly in the eye and say “I see you”. It’s not so fun once the secret is out.

I’m not an OW, but if a wife confronted me I simply wouldn’t engage. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to, so I’d just leave.

“I’m so sorry” would be an adequate response. But I guess people with no conscience or empathy don’t feel they need to apologize to people they harm with their part in a situation.

The OW doesn’t owe the wife any interaction.

Well she’s giving her some with the germs and STIs she leaves behind.

I really wonder about women that are so “pro-OW”. What went wrong that they claim to be all for supporting women in charities and Intetnational woman’s day but then turn around and participate in something so harmful to another woman and her family?

It’s such a weird hypocrisy I’ll never understand. I guess the fake support for women feeds their narcissism. It’s an act.

So dumb to assume that all OW are disease-ridden. Also, the OW didn’t have sex with you, your husband did. He’s the one who gave you the disease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

Why not confront both of them? I’ve been married 25 years and if I found out my spouse had an AP over a period of time, I’d certainly need to find out who it was and say something. It’s really nice to think you can enter someone’s marriage with no consequences and the spouse is supposed to welcome you with open arms or turn him over.

Shedding light on a secret situation is empowering and an important part of recovery for many- whether they stay or go. You are t a victim when you look the big fat albatross directly in the eye and say “I see you”. It’s not so fun once the secret is out.

I’m not an OW, but if a wife confronted me I simply wouldn’t engage. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to, so I’d just leave.

“I’m so sorry” would be an adequate response. But I guess people with no conscience or empathy don’t feel they need to apologize to people they harm with their part in a situation.

Dream on. Why should she apologize to someone who literally wishes her ill? Apologizing won’t change anything. If she stopped it’s all that matters.

I do t think it’s necessarily wishing ill, it’s just a matter of not caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

Why not confront both of them? I’ve been married 25 years and if I found out my spouse had an AP over a period of time, I’d certainly need to find out who it was and say something. It’s really nice to think you can enter someone’s marriage with no consequences and the spouse is supposed to welcome you with open arms or turn him over.

Shedding light on a secret situation is empowering and an important part of recovery for many- whether they stay or go. You are t a victim when you look the big fat albatross directly in the eye and say “I see you”. It’s not so fun once the secret is out.

I’m not an OW, but if a wife confronted me I simply wouldn’t engage. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to, so I’d just leave.

“I’m so sorry” would be an adequate response. But I guess people with no conscience or empathy don’t feel they need to apologize to people they harm with their part in a situation.

The OW doesn’t owe the wife any interaction.

Good humans do owe other people stuff, so I agree OW don’t fall in that category.

No one owes a stranger a conversation. Do you talk with everyone who tries to engage you?

[Anonymous]

It is so strange to read pro-OW/OM posts. Who thinks like this? Who thinks banging married people is an honorable and good thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so strange to read pro-OW/OM posts. Who thinks like this? Who thinks banging married people is an honorable and good thing?

The scum of the Earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Honestly, if people have been married 25 years, he’s probably just bored to tears with your snatch. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

She likely is bored with his D and dad bod as well. But she doesn’t need to blow other men.

I heartily concur! Same old D is boring as hell. Why don’t they come to an agreement, then?

They did. The agreement was to be monogamous. He broke the agreement.

But if she’s bored as well, then why not spice things up?

Because they see more value in monogamy. People who always need to “spice things up” are chasing something that doesn’t exist. I’d suggest understanding why you have that unhealthy thought patterns.

Many people can’t be happy unless there is drama. It’s due to early childhood trauma and an addiction to cortisol which is released when engaging in risky activities. This is why when an affair is brought to light it becomes boring and rarely becomes a relationship.

Lol, there’s nothing sacrosanct about monogamy. Wanting something else is not pathological. Would you prefer your husband abruptly divorce you, than broach the topic of trying something a bit different?

An agreement is sacrosanct. If I choose monogamy that’s my choice. If my spouse agrees it’s on him to not break that agreement unilaterally. Taking away my choice breaks out agreement.

I’d rather my H bring up opening the marriage and I have the option to do that or divorce.

The problem is a H knows it will lead to divorce and they didnt want to divorce.

I divorced.

Always chasing “spice” is pathological. I suggest reading the “power of now” by Eckert Tolle to understand the root of your destructive thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

Why not confront both of them? I’ve been married 25 years and if I found out my spouse had an AP over a period of time, I’d certainly need to find out who it was and say something. It’s really nice to think you can enter someone’s marriage with no consequences and the spouse is supposed to welcome you with open arms or turn him over.

Shedding light on a secret situation is empowering and an important part of recovery for many- whether they stay or go. You are t a victim when you look the big fat albatross directly in the eye and say “I see you”. It’s not so fun once the secret is out.

I’m not an OW, but if a wife confronted me I simply wouldn’t engage. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to, so I’d just leave.

“I’m so sorry” would be an adequate response. But I guess people with no conscience or empathy don’t feel they need to apologize to people they harm with their part in a situation.

The OW doesn’t owe the wife any interaction.

Good humans do owe other people stuff, so I agree OW don’t fall in that category.

No one owes a stranger a conversation. Do you talk with everyone who tries to engage you?

Is she really a stranger when you have been digging for information on her for years and talking about her with her husband and your friends? She’s no stranger. Do you feel that way about everything? The person I stole from or kid I ran over with my car doesn’t deserve an apology because I didn’t know them. They were just collateral damage.

You aren’t healing or changing into a better person when you can’t look inside and see your faults. You will continue to be a crappy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Honestly, if people have been married 25 years, he’s probably just bored to tears with your snatch. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

She likely is bored with his D and dad bod as well. But she doesn’t need to blow other men.

I heartily concur! Same old D is boring as hell. Why don’t they come to an agreement, then?

They did. The agreement was to be monogamous. He broke the agreement.

But if she’s bored as well, then why not spice things up?

Because they see more value in monogamy. People who always need to “spice things up” are chasing something that doesn’t exist. I’d suggest understanding why you have that unhealthy thought patterns.

Many people can’t be happy unless there is drama. It’s due to early childhood trauma and an addiction to cortisol which is released when engaging in risky activities. This is why when an affair is brought to light it becomes boring and rarely becomes a relationship.

Lol, there’s nothing sacrosanct about monogamy. Wanting something else is not pathological. Would you prefer your husband abruptly divorce you, than broach the topic of trying something a bit different?

An agreement is sacrosanct. If I choose monogamy that’s my choice. If my spouse agrees it’s on him to not break that agreement unilaterally. Taking away my choice breaks out agreement.

I’d rather my H bring up opening the marriage and I have the option to do that or divorce.

The problem is a H knows it will lead to divorce and they didnt want to divorce.

I divorced.

Always chasing “spice” is pathological. I suggest reading the “power of now” by Eckert Tolle to understand the root of your destructive thinking.

I simply disagree completely. Variety is the spice of life, in every regard. Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

[Anonymous]

^wonderful. Than do what my brother did and never get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so strange to read pro-OW/OM posts. Who thinks like this? Who thinks banging married people is an honorable and good thing?

Splitting. Either you condemn her full stop and no holds barred, scorched earth style -- or adultery is honorable. There is no middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Honestly, if people have been married 25 years, he’s probably just bored to tears with your snatch. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

She likely is bored with his D and dad bod as well. But she doesn’t need to blow other men.

I heartily concur! Same old D is boring as hell. Why don’t they come to an agreement, then?

They did. The agreement was to be monogamous. He broke the agreement.

But if she’s bored as well, then why not spice things up?

Because they see more value in monogamy. People who always need to “spice things up” are chasing something that doesn’t exist. I’d suggest understanding why you have that unhealthy thought patterns.

Many people can’t be happy unless there is drama. It’s due to early childhood trauma and an addiction to cortisol which is released when engaging in risky activities. This is why when an affair is brought to light it becomes boring and rarely becomes a relationship.

Lol, there’s nothing sacrosanct about monogamy. Wanting something else is not pathological. Would you prefer your husband abruptly divorce you, than broach the topic of trying something a bit different?

An agreement is sacrosanct. If I choose monogamy that’s my choice. If my spouse agrees it’s on him to not break that agreement unilaterally. Taking away my choice breaks out agreement.

I’d rather my H bring up opening the marriage and I have the option to do that or divorce.

The problem is a H knows it will lead to divorce and they didnt want to divorce.

I divorced.

Always chasing “spice” is pathological. I suggest reading the “power of now” by Eckert Tolle to understand the root of your destructive thinking.

It's Ekhart Tolle, and of course you do.