How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

Re: The bold above: The friend likely is "throwing her husband under the bus" as the saying goes. Friend knows OP is angry that friend felt she had to say no in the first place, then backtracked on a sort-of-yes, so friend is telling OP that it's down to the husband saying the "I'll go to both weddings" plan will not work.

I am team friend, and understand why she would try to deflect OP's reaction by saying that her DH has the final word.

[Anonymous]

OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

I think it’s more likely that the friend and her husband have a closer connection to the other couple getting married than OP is willing to admit because it would make her position patently unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone RSVPs no to a wedding they don’t even owe you an explanation. She told you why and your “seriously” was not only uncalled for, it showed why she was afraid of telling you on the first place. Get over yourself and apologize. What is there more to be said here. I had close friends that cancelled a week before my wedding and I behaved more graciously than you did.

Your social skills are greatly lacking if this is how you operate. It's not surprising your "close friends" bailed on your wedding.

[Anonymous]

OP back again - I also apologized to my friend's DH. And I forgot to say thanks one more time to DCUM for helping me see straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone RSVPs no to a wedding they don’t even owe you an explanation. She told you why and your “seriously” was not only uncalled for, it showed why she was afraid of telling you on the first place. Get over yourself and apologize. What is there more to be said here. I had close friends that cancelled a week before my wedding and I behaved more graciously than you did.

My only issue with Sue is that she did not in fact RSVP at all. It was only when confronted that she said she wasn't coming. That is weird behavior with a friend of 20 years and rude under any circumstances. Many speculate its because she was afraid of OP's reaction, but it is still wrong.

Both parties handled this poorly and OP, while hurt, should be able to move past this.

Sue is a bit scared of OP and knew OP would pull the guilt trip.

Sue should have said no from the very start, or as soon as Sue knew about the other wedding, but clammed up and hoped the issue would go away. Which of course it didn't. But it's pretty telling, if Sue didn't respond even n part because she was worried about OP's reaction. Maybe OP needs to consider if she makes assumptions about her friends doing what she expects, in other contexts, too, and her friends know not to tell her no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

I'm a PP who was very rough on you about this and I am SO GLAD to read this update. Hope your daughter's wedding is great, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

Good job, OP, I’m impressed with your graciousness. Enjoy the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

I think it’s more likely that the friend and her husband have a closer connection to the other couple getting married than OP is willing to admit because it would make her position patently unreasonable.

I read it as the husband rejected the idea of him going alone to that other wedding so that the friend could go to OPs daughter's wedding. Especially if he doesn't even know his wife's coworker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

So glad for both of you that you did this. I think you will find some helpful insights mixed in with some harsh comments over 10 pages. Good luck and enjoy the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

I think it’s more likely that the friend and her husband have a closer connection to the other couple getting married than OP is willing to admit because it would make her position patently unreasonable.

I read it as the husband rejected the idea of him going alone to that other wedding so that the friend could go to OPs daughter's wedding. Especially if he doesn't even know his wife's coworker.

But that’s part of it. The idea of the husband going alone to a wedding if people he doesn’t know is so silly that it’s unlikely to be the case. The only scenario where that idea would make any sense is if the husband was close to one or of both of them as well. So if we start with the reasonable assumption, that the husband is close enough to the other couple where him going alone would be even a remotely reasonable solution, then it’s reasonable to think that the relationship between Sue/her husband and the other couple may be close enough that everyone here would understand why the other wedding was a priority. When someone’s theory of the situation relies on Sue thinking it appropriate to send her husband alone to a stranger’s wedding, the theory is unlikely to be accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

I'm a PP who was very rough on you about this and I am SO GLAD to read this update. Hope your daughter's wedding is great, OP.

Same here. Great move, OP! Happy for you all.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the update! I like happy endings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

I think it’s more likely that the friend and her husband have a closer connection to the other couple getting married than OP is willing to admit because it would make her position patently unreasonable.

I read it as the husband rejected the idea of him going alone to that other wedding so that the friend could go to OPs daughter's wedding. Especially if he doesn't even know his wife's coworker.

But that’s part of it. The idea of the husband going alone to a wedding if people he doesn’t know is so silly that it’s unlikely to be the case. The only scenario where that idea would make any sense is if the husband was close to one or of both of them as well. So if we start with the reasonable assumption, that the husband is close enough to the other couple where him going alone would be even a remotely reasonable solution, then it’s reasonable to think that the relationship between Sue/her husband and the other couple may be close enough that everyone here would understand why the other wedding was a priority. When someone’s theory of the situation relies on Sue thinking it appropriate to send her husband alone to a stranger’s wedding, the theory is unlikely to be accurate.

OP having apologized to Sue’s husband makes this even more likely.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I just finished reading. OUCH!!!

Okay, I should have expected it, and I'm still pleased DCUM helped me through this.

I wanted to address a few things in case you all were curious - I actually wasn't going to invite any of my friends. It was just my DD's wedding, and she was keeping it small. My friends badgered *me* to invite them (this truly happened), and I went to my DD and she was gracious enough to add a table.

This was a year ago when I told my friends about my DD's engagement. I thought I had taken a misstep by not knowing I should invite my friends to my child's wedding (this is the first child of mine being married). That background led into me feeling confused about how Sue was switching things up.

Also to answer a few questions: Sue met the work friend 2 years ago, and she introduced the couple 10 months ago (not that it matters, just explaining further about the history). I get that Sue has every right to make her decision about the wedding, but that still makes me scratch my head...especially after she asked to be invited to my DD's wedding. She'd even joked about crashing my DD's bridal shower, to which she wasn't invited, since my DD wanted to keep it only her personal close friends & elder relatives.

What else...Sue's DH doesn't know the other couple well except from a few get-togethers in the past year. I'm sure he likes them perfectly well.

Yes, Sue and I are like sisters, which is why I'm hopeful she'll forgive me for having made this mistake. I am not at all a queen bee. I'm actually a totally geeky introvert who was raised in a small family without a ton of friends, so I don't always understand nuances of friendships. I'm always working to improve.