How to deal with the anger? (exDH bailed not a great dad, sucky spouse)

[Anonymous]

My ex suffered from undertreated depression and ADD. Both were diagnosed. He did not really try to find effective treatments (did not experiment with different meds and dosages, did not follow the suggestions of specialists, etc) until he left, now he is slightly better. He is very passive aggressive and really seemed to like the attention that the kids gave him for being sad and withdrawn. They would try to cheer him up, draw him pictures, sing him songs, etc. It was totally inappropriate.

I finally gave him the boot. He immediately got involved with someone else who has shared custody of her kids and who is a colleague, they narrowly missed being fired. There may have been some overlap, he lies all of the time (including to the kids) so it's hard to know. The kids are crushed that he lives part time with other kids. I am furious with myself for having kids with someone who is so selfish and beyond furious with him. He claims that the kids will be "fine". He does pay child support and sees them, takes them to things like dinner or the zoo. His main goal seems to be not to feel bad about anything he does, he equates taking responsibility with blame. It sometimes feels like he is a child in an adult's body.

What have folks done to deal with the anger? I feel like my kids would have been better off if I had been a single mom all along. His lying and unpredictability and keeping the focus on him all the time is really unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Your kids will grow into other interests. You'll have a few more tears of frustration before "meh" starts to make its way into your heart. Your X will soon be a faded remnant of a former life.

Advice: Feel your feelings, but don't be afraid to let go once the opportunity arises. You don't win by holding on. There's no closure for what you've got. Also: Give your kids a new schedule with new features, help them move on. My kids now have a regular babysitter, new habits, a couple of new fav movies,... You get the idea. Their Dad can't just swoop in like he used to, it's all new. The kids take the lead (despite being sooo incredibly young) and are a lot more resilient than I had any reason to believe in the beginning.

Hang in there, Mama. Busy yourself working toward a future that you will be proud to inhabit and that your kids will enjoy.

Start right now.

[Anonymous]

My soon to be ex husband isn't that bad, but his selfishness and immaturity amaze me. I think some anger is normal, but at some point you have to realize that the anger is toxic and you are letting him control your feelings. Try really hard to focus on the good things in your life. At least he sounds somewhat stable and not abusive or dangerous, he provides some financial assistance so that is something, you get some time to yourself which I'm sure helps you be a better mom, and you have two great kids it sounds like. Focus on other good things in your life, and realize that life changes and you won't be stuck in this place of anger forever. Therapy really helps!

[Anonymous]

Therapy and working out.

I do self-defense to help me work through the anger and yoga to help keep me calm. It's amazing how much better I feel after spending an hour punching and kicking something.

I'm 2yrs out from my divorce (XH was emotionally abusive), but every time things settle down, XH throws something new at me. Mine is a narcissist (diagnosed) which makes dealing with him oh so fun.

What helped me the most though was giving up all hope and expectation that XH would be a partner in parenting. He doesn't want any real responsibility, he will never see my viewpoint or DC's viewpoint so it's futile to try and show him. You can't reason with an unreasonable person. I lowered my expectations and now if XH does something responsible it's a nice surprise rather than being constantly disappointed. I have no control over his actions and decisions, I am not responsible for him, all I can do is be responsible for myself and my child. Letting go of that control and those standards allowed me to let go of a lot of anger. XH is never going to change, all I can do is accept it and work around it.

DC also is not responsible for XH and his actions/moods/feelings, just like he's not responsible for mine. We talk about how Mom and Dad are grownups and DC is a kid, his job is to be a kid, not to take care of us. That's OUR job. We also talk about how it's okay to miss the other parent or get angry sometimes, both of us love him, we just do things differently.

I don't have much advice for your kids, mine was an infant when I left, but he's adjusted to XH's in-and-out act pretty well. XH is a bonus figure to him, not a central one. He's the fun parent that swoops in for a while then disappears, not really affecting DC's day-to-day life. We live our life the same, no matter where XH is or what he's doing.

[Anonymous]

OP here,
Thanks everyone. I think exercising again would help. Ex seems to be falling apart again and can't manage the kids by himself at the moment. Going to scrounge up a regular sitter even once a month or find a co-op so I can have a break. I need to focus on how much happier I am and how much more relaxed the kids are - living with someone whose only 2 emotions seem to be sadness and anger was not happy. This is hard but better.

[Anonymous]

My situation sounds similar to yours in that my ex had untreated bipolar depression and many associated issues. I finally kicked him out. I too am angry that my kids got such a crappy deal from him; they definitely deserve better. I am also angry with myself for not seeing this and making a better choice.

Over time, the anger has faded. It has become clear that kicking him out was best for us all. I am SOOO grateful that my ex "left" the kids with me. It has enabled me to create a calm and stable environment for them. We have now devolved to a situation where Ex visits regularly and is basically a "bonus" to the kids in the sense that another PP mentioned.

I also have learned to be less angry with myself. Before I met my ex, I knew nothing about depression or alcoholism. My ex was a good liar and hid many things well. When I look back now, I handled things and made choices in the best way I knew how at the time given what I knew. I know more now and hopefully would see certain warning signs for what they really are now.

I focus on building other relationships to give my kids what I would have hoped they would have gotten from their dad. Other male family members provide male role models. I'm the one in the yard throwing the football, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My situation sounds similar to yours in that my ex had untreated bipolar depression and many associated issues. I finally kicked him out. I too am angry that my kids got such a crappy deal from him; they definitely deserve better. I am also angry with myself for not seeing this and making a better choice.

Over time, the anger has faded. It has become clear that kicking him out was best for us all. I am SOOO grateful that my ex "left" the kids with me. It has enabled me to create a calm and stable environment for them. We have now devolved to a situation where Ex visits regularly and is basically a "bonus" to the kids in the sense that another PP mentioned.

I also have learned to be less angry with myself. Before I met my ex, I knew nothing about depression or alcoholism. My ex was a good liar and hid many things well. When I look back now, I handled things and made choices in the best way I knew how at the time given what I knew. I know more now and hopefully would see certain warning signs for what they really are now.

I focus on building other relationships to give my kids what I would have hoped they would have gotten from their dad. Other male family members provide male role models. I'm the one in the yard throwing the football, etc.

I have seen you post before, might you be willing to be in touch off list? We are currently at "left" but there are threats and noises. It would be helpful to get your take on good approaches. I understand if you are not comfortable but I could really benefit from your BTDT. I want to give ending up where you are my best shot. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences.

[Anonymous]

OP here,
I'd love any additional advice from the PPs. Now it appears that ex may have a personality disorder as well (based on feedback from a psych) or maybe that is the explaination for some of the other symptoms. The kids like to see him but do not want to be alone with him. He will get annoyed or sad and walk away from them even in public. He seems to want them to take care of him, themselves and any situations that come up. The 3rd grader says that it feels like there is pressure to be the adult and it's not fair. I'd like ex to keep "visiting" them with loose supervision until he seems more stable, but any suggestion of limits makes him want to insist on his rights. He doesn't seem to get that lying and acting unpredictable and moody means that they are right not to feel comfortable and he has to build up that sense of trust. To him, it is his right. He doesn't want them to feel scared he claims but doesn't seem to really get the connection to his behavior or to change his behavior to meet their needs. Glad this isn't 100% our lives anymore but the kids are really being harmed by this too. Any advice how to manage? According to my lawyer and another that I have consulted there need to be many more incidents or the kids need to be harmed when he walks away or leaves them alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy and working out.

I do self-defense to help me work through the anger and yoga to help keep me calm. It's amazing how much better I feel after spending an hour punching and kicking something.

I'm 2yrs out from my divorce (XH was emotionally abusive), but every time things settle down, XH throws something new at me. Mine is a narcissist (diagnosed) which makes dealing with him oh so fun.

What helped me the most though was giving up all hope and expectation that XH would be a partner in parenting. He doesn't want any real responsibility, he will never see my viewpoint or DC's viewpoint so it's futile to try and show him. You can't reason with an unreasonable person. I lowered my expectations and now if XH does something responsible it's a nice surprise rather than being constantly disappointed. I have no control over his actions and decisions, I am not responsible for him, all I can do is be responsible for myself and my child. Letting go of that control and those standards allowed me to let go of a lot of anger. XH is never going to change, all I can do is accept it and work around it.

DC also is not responsible for XH and his actions/moods/feelings, just like he's not responsible for mine. We talk about how Mom and Dad are grownups and DC is a kid, his job is to be a kid, not to take care of us. That's OUR job. We also talk about how it's okay to miss the other parent or get angry sometimes, both of us love him, we just do things differently.

I don't have much advice for your kids, mine was an infant when I left, but he's adjusted to XH's in-and-out act pretty well. XH is a bonus figure to him, not a central one. He's the fun parent that swoops in for a while then disappears, not really affecting DC's day-to-day life. We live our life the same, no matter where XH is or what he's doing.

I can't tell you how much this resonates with me. I need to be done with this man, who is beyond selfish. Thank you for sharing your words.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for your post and agree with PP.

PP you might want to do some reading on narcissism if selfishness is a pattern.

I've been doing some reading on personality disorders (Stop Walking on Eggshells is good) and am finally getting how none of this crazy behavior or circular thought patterns have anything to do with me. The more distance I get the more I feel like myself.

Disengagement helps me to feel much less anxious and frustrated. Personality disorders are very difficult to change, all I can do is be the best parent I can be so that my kids have a better shot. Just like in the Lorax, other adults or children just can't make up for the gaps in character or personality or a bad family of origen, when people are me, me, me, the best and really only choice is to stay away from them. There is a lot on the web about protecting kids from narcisstic parents. They use them for meeting their needs and it is toxic. Sucks to have it be any part of their lives but it's so much better than having it drag us all down 100% of the time.

I really appreciate everyone who has chimed in, it helps to not feel so alone.

[Anonymous]

10:18 here again.

I wanted to add . . . I take each situation as it comes. How does this affect my child? Which option is the least painful/disruptive to my kid in the long run? Which option will cause less/more drama and is it worth it? In 10yrs, when my child is a teenager and hates me, will I be able to look him in the eye and tell him honestly that I did my best to put his needs first?

It's hard to step back from myself. I get so angry that XH doesn't step up, doesn't seem to see our child as a separate person, doesn't realize that HIS actions (or lack of action) impact multiple other lives . . .

Asking myself the 10yr question helps me a TON. This is about my child. Not me. Not XH. How can I make this situation better for my kid? And not just as a kid, but how can I make this situation into something that won't screw him up as an adult?

Sometimes that means 'taking one for the team' and letting XH have his way and look like the awesome parent. Sometimes it means allowing a little of XH's true colors come out so DC can see it on his own (and then being there to pick up the pieces). It's a difficult line to follow and I know I screw up sometimes. But at least I'm trying to put my child first, which is more than XH does.

I'm sorry there are so many of us dealing with this