Reply to How to deal with the anger? (exDH bailed not a great dad, sucky spouse)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Therapy and working out.

I do self-defense to help me work through the anger and yoga to help keep me calm. It's amazing how much better I feel after spending an hour punching and kicking something.

I'm 2yrs out from my divorce (XH was emotionally abusive), but every time things settle down, XH throws something new at me. Mine is a narcissist (diagnosed) which makes dealing with him oh so fun.

[b]What helped me the most though was giving up all hope and expectation that XH would be a partner in parenting. He doesn't want any real responsibility, he will never see my viewpoint or DC's viewpoint so it's futile to try and show him. You can't reason with an unreasonable person. I lowered my expectations and now if XH does something responsible it's a nice surprise rather than being constantly disappointed. I have no control over his actions and decisions, I am not responsible for him, all I can do is be responsible for myself and my child. Letting go of that control and those standards allowed me to let go of a lot of anger. XH is never going to change, all I can do is accept it and work around it.[/b]

DC also is not responsible for XH and his actions/moods/feelings, just like he's not responsible for mine. We talk about how Mom and Dad are grownups and DC is a kid, his job is to be a kid, not to take care of us. That's OUR job. We also talk about how it's okay to miss the other parent or get angry sometimes, both of us love him, we just do things differently.

I don't have much advice for your kids, mine was an infant when I left, but he's adjusted to XH's in-and-out act pretty well. XH is a bonus figure to him, not a central one. He's the fun parent that swoops in for a while then disappears, not really affecting DC's day-to-day life. We live our life the same, no matter where XH is or what he's doing. [/quote]

I can't tell you how much this resonates with me. I need to be done with this man, who is beyond selfish. Thank you for sharing your words. [/quote]

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