Why does my partner pay $2400 a month child support for one kid?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The crazy thing is that when he has more kids, each won’t get $2400. I make a similar amount and bring home 3k a paycheck (after maxing out retirement and my health insurance)

I know dh and I don’t spend that on our kids a month. We have the same house and cars we did prekids, so those costs would be the same regardless of kids.

Same with us. It costs us no more in housing or electricity as we'd have the house regardless.

Are you a single Mom? Without a child I could live in a 1 bedroom apartment. With a child we need two bedrooms. The cost goes up quite a bit.

No, you don’t “need” that. You want it.

So your argument is that OP should tell her BF “go to court and reduce your payment. I don’t care if your ex and child have to move into a 1 bedroom apartment or move away from your child’s school and friends.”

That is correct. Those are also not the only options. Sharing a larger space with a roommate is another option.

Omg is this the omnipresent poster who is always roused by larger child support news? Every time someone mentions they get over $500 in child support some poster comes in to say that’s too much bla blah.

Its not about it being too much but there should be accountability.

DP. If there is actual neglect going on, that can be taken up with the courts independent of child support. But too many people think they should get the micromanage every penny spent by the parent to whom they are paying child support, and that's simply not how it works.

There should be accountability at higher numbers. Courts will not do anything with neglect or even abuse except in extreme situations. Both parents should get a say in how the money is spent as its the child's money not the CP or parent receiving the money. If its alimony, its different.

You get to control how money is spent on the child when they are in your home. The other parent controls it in their home. If you want to dictate how the other parent will spend their money, be prepared to allow them equal say on how you spend money on the child at your house (and what kind of food you feed them, what kind of activities you do with them, etc.).

Huh? Both parents don’t pay child support to each other. So, what is there to dictate in the other parents home who is paying support. If anything I’d one is receiving support and controls all the child’s money they should provide everything in the other home as well.

The whole justification for getting to control the other parent’s budget was about getting to make sure the kids’ needs were met appropriately, so that the kid isn’t wearing inadequate clothing. If what you’re concerned about is whether the kids’ needs are being met properly, that goes both ways. Either each parent gets a say in how he kids are cared for in the other parent’s house, or they don’t.

Otherwise, it really seems like you’re just looking for a way to punish and control the parent simply for getting child support.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would be glad he supports his child. If this bothers you even a little, this isn’t your scene.

Stepmom here.

Stepmom here, as well - and I’d say it depends.

DH’s ex is completely toxic and overbearing. He never got any say in how his kids were raised when they were married and it didn’t change after the divorce. Her ability to actually co-parent is zero.

In this instance, he is doing the honorable and stand up thing and paying his calculated cs - as well as extras for which he gets no actual/effective say.

When they turn 18, he’s done, and I 100% agree with that stance.

OP - I think this situation depends. Are you guys in it for the long haul? How old are the kids? What are the laws in your state? And, most importantly - does he get equal say in the parenting realm?

If yes to the latter and he is paying what is deemed “fair” by the state, you need to step back and let this play out. If there are toxic dynamics at play AND you guys are planning a future together, I would say voice your concerns and start having the hard discussions about how this situation will impact your future.

The day the youngest turned 18 was amazing. Once they turn 18, you define the relationship and money. No more having to go through mom and the games. Allow him to be done at 18. I encouraged the relationship to continue and it was a huge mistake. It was all about money and Mom kept calling and demanding without producing bills/statements as to the need so we could pay directly. Eventually we learned to say no. Funny, after we started saying no and setting clear boundaries she became much nicer. But, she destroyed the relationships and the kids are paying the price now given how their lives have turned out, especially in terms of their own relationships.

This times a billion.

And all of you biomoms out there who want to call us stepmomsters should take heed whilst you’re busy alienating your kids from their dad.

Mom wanted to call ALL the shots when they were underage? She can reap what she sowed when they are grown. Period.

I don’t think you’re making a good case for stepmothers here ...

Ok. Can you give me a reason why the failings/manipulations of the mother constantly go unheeded?

unheeded by whom? the court ordered the child support be paid to the mother. you just seem like you can’t stand the fact that she gets to make decisions about what you perceive as your money.

She wants to be the HBIC.

Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

You continue to give us a clearer picture of exactly who you are - a controlling, nasty, hateful woman.

^^ I should add that you need to be thanking us. I suspect that your dh doesn't dare go against you in regards to this matter because of the hell he will have to pay. However, he needs to ask for his balls back and tell you to butt out and shut up. Maybe you need to reflect on what numerous people that are likely from very different backgrounds and circumstances are telling you.

No, no. You have that wrong. The woman who took his balls is the woman who married a man she didn’t love, doubled down by having not one but two kids with him, cheated on him (and her kids - so there’s that), blew up their marriage, raised two spoilt children - and still to this day insists her way is best.

I’ve supported this man in actually taking his life back from her. His kids will come around once they are adults - or they won’t. Life is life, and sometimes it truly sucks. But very little of the blame for this unfortunate situation is actually either his or mine to own.

To that end, once this chapter is over and we are free of her and her influence, we both need to make choices that are in the best interest of our lives together, first and foremost.

I’m sorry if that doesn’t sit well with some of you.

Sorry you

I feel really sorry for your stepkids. With every post you are showing you are fixated on their mother being evil and yourself as the savior of your DH. There’s no way that hostility and delusion doesn’t also transfer to how you treat the kids. You’re a bitter, immature, greedy person.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This thread is a great reason I put college as 50/50 into our agreement. Not enforceable as child support but absolutely enforceable in civil court. Just in case step Mom wants to try to but my child off.

Also all financial aid packets require both parents information so both parents should be contributing to college! I know too many friends and peers where one parent moved on and told them to go screw themselves. Leaving them and their one parent to scramble for loans.

This is not true. My husband's ex refused to provide him with all the college paperwork. And, he never signed anything or provided any documentation.

You are right, correcting myself. It's for the CSS only (I went to a HYP). They would not accept a financial aid packet without both parents info.

[Anonymous]

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Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

Seek help, OP. If your list of grievances includes his kids’ mom’s weight, you are not right in the head.

And refusing to pay for your kids’ college when you are able to do so isn’t “dropping the rope”. It’s garden variety “being an asshole”. His kids will never forget that he abandoned them as soon as he legally could do so. But hey, you’ll get more of his money, so who cares, right?

[Anonymous]

15 pages and OP never bothered to respond. Also, brief post that omits any material information that would be necessary to evaluate the post. Highly likely this is a fake/troll post.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If only he were in VA. VA thinks that childcare and raising children in Roanoke and Arlington cost the same.

It’s ridiculous.

No its, not. It goes on time share and income. The custodial parent also has an obligation to financially support the child/ren as well. So, that's not full support, its only Dad's share.

This.

I find that so many people believe that child support is supposed to cover all of a child’s expenses and that’s not true. It’s just a portion. So many times women are disappointed and say they are not getting enough child support when in reality the cost of living and raising a child is higher than then realized and that they will actually need to increase their own income since now they are dependent on a single income.

That wasn't my point. My point was that the state of Virginia treats Arlington and Roanoke the same. If you think that's equitable, fine. VA has the lowest child support rate in the DMV.

Yes, its equitable. Mom can choose to move to a lower cost area if she cannot afford where she is living at. Most things in divorce, custody and child support aren't equitable.

No. Custodial parents can't just choose to up and move with the child. That would make it more difficult for the non custodial parent to have regular visits with the kid.

Roanoke is a nearly 4 hour drive from Arlington. If both mom and dad live in the Arlington area, and dad gets visitation on Tuesday/Thursday nights and every other weekend, his kid moving to Arlington would make the weeknights impossible and the the weekends a lot more difficult.

Thank you for this. As a soon to be divorced custodial parent, it infuriates me when people think I should just “move somewhere cheaper in VA.” If my kids ever want to see their Dad, I have to stay mostly put.

They can still see their Dad. They can go every long weekend, every holiday and summers. And, other weekends or days off school as well. There are lots of ways to work it out. You really think your kids seeing dad every other weekend is a huge deal. That's 4 days a month. Really, you probably let them see their friends more than dad.

This comment is so gross. I hope you’re a troll, and I definitely hope you’re not a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Do people not understand that child support is designed to equalize the quality of life for a child in both homes, in addition to providing for the child's direct costs?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he owes back support and the rate is higher because he has a balance.

I have a friend whose ex owes her over $14,000 in back support. She has to constantly stay on top of the case. It's a time suck and annoying when HE is the one trying to skip out on his financial responsibility to his son. He is in and out of employment, and will try to take jobs that pay under the table, because otherwise his wages get garnished. His tax return will go directly to her, and he'll call her asking to get it back etc. He's SCUM OF THE EARTH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people not understand that child support is designed to equalize the quality of life for a child in both homes, in addition to providing for the child's direct costs?

I’m the pp who people are saying is so awful.

I think this is a fair point. That said, I have not seen anything that remotely resembles “equal” in the 50/50 “coparenting” arrangement I am witness to.

It’s been extremely one sided. The father has been left out of the majority of decisions - both big and small. The parenting style in one house is not equal to the other house. The health and wellness choices in one house are not equal to the other house. The spending habits in one house are not equal to the other house. There is very little common ground - and it is not for lack of trying.

It strikes me as odd to think that the common perception is that $$$ = equal, when in reality, that is very clearly not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he owes back support and the rate is higher because he has a balance.

I have a friend whose ex owes her over $14,000 in back support. She has to constantly stay on top of the case. It's a time suck and annoying when HE is the one trying to skip out on his financial responsibility to his son. He is in and out of employment, and will try to take jobs that pay under the table, because otherwise his wages get garnished. His tax return will go directly to her, and he'll call her asking to get it back etc. He's SCUM OF THE EARTH.

The tax return is the document you file with the IRS. You mean refund. And if he is getting paid under the table I am surprised he gets a refund.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

Seek help, OP. If your list of grievances includes his kids’ mom’s weight, you are not right in the head.

And refusing to pay for your kids’ college when you are able to do so isn’t “dropping the rope”. It’s garden variety “being an asshole”. His kids will never forget that he abandoned them as soon as he legally could do so. But hey, you’ll get more of his money, so who cares, right?

Really? I’m not right in the head because I’m focused on her weight?

Well, her weight is directly correlated to her eating habits - which is what she is ingrainjng in her children. Do you know what those habits entail? Eating out of a box/bag multiple times a day, most days of the week. Do you know what that does to a kid’s palate? It makes it so that they are addicted to sugar, fat, and salt. If you don’t know what that does to a kid’s health, then I suggest you read up. But, in a nutshell, it results in obesity and prediabetes. Frankly, it’s borderline, if not straight up, abuse. And yes, we have done our best to counteract that influence - but it’s pretty hard for reall food to compete when Mickey D’s is the default every other week. And now that they are older and have jobs/their own money, the real food is even less appealing. It’s a horrible, horrible struggle.

Further, you want to call a dad - who is going to have parameters about how college money is spent an asshole? Go ahead. He, and I, prefer to call it teaching these kids valuable life lessons - such as the fact that the world isn’t going to just hand you all of your desires on a silver platter. You actually have to work for them. Sorry if you disagree, but college is an investment - and they need to know that going in.

[Anonymous]

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Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

Seek help, OP. If your list of grievances includes his kids’ mom’s weight, you are not right in the head.

And refusing to pay for your kids’ college when you are able to do so isn’t “dropping the rope”. It’s garden variety “being an asshole”. His kids will never forget that he abandoned them as soon as he legally could do so. But hey, you’ll get more of his money, so who cares, right?

Really? I’m not right in the head because I’m focused on her weight?

Well, her weight is directly correlated to her eating habits - which is what she is ingrainjng in her children. Do you know what those habits entail? Eating out of a box/bag multiple times a day, most days of the week. Do you know what that does to a kid’s palate? It makes it so that they are addicted to sugar, fat, and salt. If you don’t know what that does to a kid’s health, then I suggest you read up. But, in a nutshell, it results in obesity and prediabetes. Frankly, it’s borderline, if not straight up, abuse. And yes, we have done our best to counteract that influence - but it’s pretty hard for reall food to compete when Mickey D’s is the default every other week. And now that they are older and have jobs/their own money, the real food is even less appealing. It’s a horrible, horrible struggle.

Further, you want to call a dad - who is going to have parameters about how college money is spent an asshole? Go ahead. He, and I, prefer to call it teaching these kids valuable life lessons - such as the fact that the world isn’t going to just hand you all of your desires on a silver platter. You actually have to work for them. Sorry if you disagree, but college is an investment - and they need to know that going in.

Let go of the weight issues. When the kid is bothered by it she will do something about it.

My husband told his kids that if they want money for college he will be involved in the process and will see all the paperwork that is sent. He will also see any paperwork they get back. He wants to know the total costs, how much is financial aid and how much the child is contributing from summer jobs and how much mom is contributing (and with the older ones that meant is she using the child support money she gets for that child to cover some of the expenses). The kids and Mom said that they didn't have to be accountable to him and he said that's fine and that they can figure it out. We assume they got full rides with Mom's income as she regularly hid the fact she got child support, alimony and his retirement money or they took out loans. One kid never went to college, sadly, others did. Kids did remain on Dad's insurance as long as they could but eventually each got kicked off as they wouldn't provide documentation that they were in college.

I don't know any parent who pays for college - married, divorced, only parent that doesn't expect accountability in terms of the application process and regular grade updates. My kids know that we will be involved, they will go to a college we can afford to pay for/no loans and they will provide us with grades and other updates. Or, they pay for it themselves. If you want to be grown, then that means you become fully responsible for yourself. Mine are younger and they know they are accountable in terms of their grades and behavior if they want us to pay for anything outside of needs. If you want to act poorly, I will not pay for activities and all the extras.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do people not understand that child support is designed to equalize the quality of life for a child in both homes, in addition to providing for the child's direct costs?

I’m the pp who people are saying is so awful.

I think this is a fair point. That said, I have not seen anything that remotely resembles “equal” in the 50/50 “coparenting” arrangement I am witness to.

It’s been extremely one sided. The father has been left out of the majority of decisions - both big and small. The parenting style in one house is not equal to the other house. The health and wellness choices in one house are not equal to the other house. The spending habits in one house are not equal to the other house. There is very little common ground - and it is not for lack of trying.

It strikes me as odd to think that the common perception is that $$$ = equal, when in reality, that is very clearly not the case.

Let it go and just wait till the youngest hits 18. There is nothing you or Dad can do to fix the situation if Mom will not work with Dad. At some point, stop trying and let it go. Its funny that people complain about why Dad's give up and walk away and they don't consider that this is why. Only so many court battles and other things one can go through and even if Dad wins at court, Mom takes it out on the kids so there really isn't any winning as it hurts the kids no matter what you do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would be glad he supports his child. If this bothers you even a little, this isn’t your scene.

Stepmom here.

Stepmom here, as well - and I’d say it depends.

DH’s ex is completely toxic and overbearing. He never got any say in how his kids were raised when they were married and it didn’t change after the divorce. Her ability to actually co-parent is zero.

In this instance, he is doing the honorable and stand up thing and paying his calculated cs - as well as extras for which he gets no actual/effective say.

When they turn 18, he’s done, and I 100% agree with that stance.

OP - I think this situation depends. Are you guys in it for the long haul? How old are the kids? What are the laws in your state? And, most importantly - does he get equal say in the parenting realm?

If yes to the latter and he is paying what is deemed “fair” by the state, you need to step back and let this play out. If there are toxic dynamics at play AND you guys are planning a future together, I would say voice your concerns and start having the hard discussions about how this situation will impact your future.

The day the youngest turned 18 was amazing. Once they turn 18, you define the relationship and money. No more having to go through mom and the games. Allow him to be done at 18. I encouraged the relationship to continue and it was a huge mistake. It was all about money and Mom kept calling and demanding without producing bills/statements as to the need so we could pay directly. Eventually we learned to say no. Funny, after we started saying no and setting clear boundaries she became much nicer. But, she destroyed the relationships and the kids are paying the price now given how their lives have turned out, especially in terms of their own relationships.

This times a billion.

And all of you biomoms out there who want to call us stepmomsters should take heed whilst you’re busy alienating your kids from their dad.

Mom wanted to call ALL the shots when they were underage? She can reap what she sowed when they are grown. Period.

I don’t think you’re making a good case for stepmothers here ...

Ok. Can you give me a reason why the failings/manipulations of the mother constantly go unheeded?

unheeded by whom? the court ordered the child support be paid to the mother. you just seem like you can’t stand the fact that she gets to make decisions about what you perceive as your money.

She wants to be the HBIC.

Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

You continue to give us a clearer picture of exactly who you are - a controlling, nasty, hateful woman.

^^ I should add that you need to be thanking us. I suspect that your dh doesn't dare go against you in regards to this matter because of the hell he will have to pay. However, he needs to ask for his balls back and tell you to butt out and shut up. Maybe you need to reflect on what numerous people that are likely from very different backgrounds and circumstances are telling you.

No, no. You have that wrong. The woman who took his balls is the woman who married a man she didn’t love, doubled down by having not one but two kids with him, cheated on him (and her kids - so there’s that), blew up their marriage, raised two spoilt children - and still to this day insists her way is best.

I’ve supported this man in actually taking his life back from her. His kids will come around once they are adults - or they won’t. Life is life, and sometimes it truly sucks. But very little of the blame for this unfortunate situation is actually either his or mine to own.

To that end, once this chapter is over and we are free of her and her influence, we both need to make choices that are in the best interest of our lives together, first and foremost.

I’m sorry if that doesn’t sit well with some of you.

Sorry you

I feel really sorry for your stepkids. With every post you are showing you are fixated on their mother being evil and yourself as the savior of your DH. There’s no way that hostility and delusion doesn’t also transfer to how you treat the kids. You’re a bitter, immature, greedy person.

OP doesn’t have stepkids. She’s a girlfriend, not a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people not understand that child support is designed to equalize the quality of life for a child in both homes, in addition to providing for the child's direct costs?

I’m the pp who people are saying is so awful.

I think this is a fair point. That said, I have not seen anything that remotely resembles “equal” in the 50/50 “coparenting” arrangement I am witness to.

It’s been extremely one sided. The father has been left out of the majority of decisions - both big and small. The parenting style in one house is not equal to the other house. The health and wellness choices in one house are not equal to the other house. The spending habits in one house are not equal to the other house. There is very little common ground - and it is not for lack of trying.

It strikes me as odd to think that the common perception is that $$$ = equal, when in reality, that is very clearly not the case.

I don’t understand what all these “parenting decisions” are. If the dad has 50% time and shared legal custody, then he makes parenting decisions. It sounds like your vision is that the dad gets a say in what his ex does (no) or that she has some duty to consult and comprimise (no). ideally coparents will make good joint decisions but divorce means they are going to make a lot of independent decisions.