I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I didn't handle the situation good, I was so mad at her that I told her she can live with her Father. He picked her and all her clothing up that night. I cannot comprehend how she thinks this is a good idea. She does have a boyfriend who is supportive, but no job, no money or place to live (other than with parents). This is the dumbest choice she made (and she made many prior to this). I begged her not to get pregnant when and she promised she wouldn't. Well - that didn't work.

She's a teenager and probably thinks that a baby is about as much work and responsibility as a high maintenance cat. It's completely unfeasible unless family provides for all of her and baby's needs for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where I live, the biggest need for foster homes is for foster parents willing to take in teen girls with babies.

OP's DD is 18 y.o. She is aged out of the foster system. What you describe only applies to teens under 18.

Also, it seems highly unlikely OP is going to put her DD in the foster system.

Of course, she is 18. But some people made it sound like they would kick their teen dd out in this situation, and the foster mom who posted was talking about how the biological mother of her foster dds just really needed some support from her family and did not get that. I was sharing that many parents actually DO kick their teenage dds in this situation, and it is a big problem where I live. There aren't enough foster homes for these girls and they end up often staying at the child services teen shelter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by taking her to an abortion clinic.

+1

It's the best decision for everyone.

Agreed.

WTF?

I am pro-choice but the girl is old enough to have a choice. That is a tough decision to live with for the rest of your life. She gets a choice.

Sorry to hear about this OP, but wishing it all works out how it needs to.

How is she planning to pay? Is she going to live in a homeless shelter? On the streets? Why does she assume she can permanently camp at mom’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.

[Anonymous]

Well, considering that the father in this case doesn't have a job, or money and lives with his parents, there is really not much future with him unless he goes out to get a job and his parents pay child support in the meantime. Or, his parents support OPs daughter and baby while the father goes to school and gets a degree. It's not just the pregnant girl's family that is responsible. Her dad should have a talk with the boy and his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, tell her that she will need to go to community college. Most have child care centers, or at least MC does so others may and will need to get a part-time job to pay for expenses, child care, etc. Have her apply for a child care voucher, food stamps, medicaid, get on subsidized housing lists and as soon as the baby is born paternity test and child support.

Why does she need a paternity test? She and the boyfriend admit it was him.

So, he cannot go back later on and deny it. Easier to get it done at the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, considering that the father in this case doesn't have a job, or money and lives with his parents, there is really not much future with him unless he goes out to get a job and his parents pay child support in the meantime. Or, his parents support OPs daughter and baby while the father goes to school and gets a degree. It's not just the pregnant girl's family that is responsible. Her dad should have a talk with the boy and his parents.

He'll need to get a job and pay support while going to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.

Why did you get divorced?

[Anonymous]

It's not all gloom and doom. My BF is 52 and she has a 34, 32, 28....and ooops 22yr old.

All same father, still married to him. With very supportive (upper middle class) families, both finished college, one his MBA. They had do do it all locally at GMU.

Her oops baby just graduated college. All 4 of her kids went to college and then oldest 3 are very successful.

I'd characterize her and her DH and wealthy. She started her career in her mid 30s.

Clearly not typical, but if you are from a family of means who are supportive, no need for a catastrophe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I didn't handle the situation good, I was so mad at her that I told her she can live with her Father. He picked her and all her clothing up that night. I cannot comprehend how she thinks this is a good idea. She does have a boyfriend who is supportive, but no job, no money or place to live (other than with parents). This is the dumbest choice she made (and she made many prior to this). I begged her not to get pregnant when and she promised she wouldn't. Well - that didn't work.

She's a teenager and probably thinks that a baby is about as much work and responsibility as a high maintenance cat. It's completely unfeasible unless family provides for all of her and baby's needs for the foreseeable future.

It is not completely unfeasible. I got pregnant when I was 17 and was able to get a job in an office setting, went to work every day and DS was in daycare. Moved out of my parents house when he was 4 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where I live, the biggest need for foster homes is for foster parents willing to take in teen girls with babies.

OP's DD is 18 y.o. She is aged out of the foster system. What you describe only applies to teens under 18.

Also, it seems highly unlikely OP is going to put her DD in the foster system.

Of course, she is 18. But some people made it sound like they would kick their teen dd out in this situation, and the foster mom who posted was talking about how the biological mother of her foster dds just really needed some support from her family and did not get that. I was sharing that many parents actually DO kick their teenage dds in this situation, and it is a big problem where I live. There aren't enough foster homes for these girls and they end up often staying at the child services teen shelter.

I work in thr system DCFS and it's a shit show. There is not a glut of teen moms in the system due to disappointment parents kicking their daughters out.

There are a ton of teen moms in the system due to generational poverty, ignorance, legacy of babies having babies, drug abuse, emotional trauma, mental illness, and social acceptance and encouragement of teen moms, even when the mom.isnunable to care for her MULTIPLE babies she has had prior to age 18.

These teen moms have no where to go because often their father is incarcerated, along with the baby dad and often he own teen mom had multiple children she cannot handle and might have a fee already in thr system.

I can assure you the system is not overloaded with teen moms who have been thrown out of their homes due to disappointment. That would be a decent reason considering what we deal with day in and day out. The drug abuse alone would make your toes curl up in disgust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

How can you not know that you and your DH are the exception and not the rule? I have HS friends that both quit school at 16, got married, had their first kid at 17 and are still together 38 years later (I'm 54). Yet, the data/statistics are clear about the diminished life long prospects of girls/women n who have children in their teenaged years. How nice for you that you and your children are in the exceptions,.

Why do you assume OP daughter can’t be the exception as well, like your friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OP, my 21-year-old gave us the same news, and explained that she did it on purpose. We just met the father for the first time. She is planning to move in with him when she graduates college this year. It's a high-risk pregnancy for several reasons, many of which she knew about before.

Such colossal bad judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.

Out of curiosity, what did your teenage husband do to make himself such a good provider? I've got responsible, hardworking teenagers myself and they would be scrimping along just to support themselves much less a stay at home wife and a baby. Heck, when I was 22 and had some college and work experience under my belt I was living paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet and I shared a house with two other broke young people. What your husband did was not typical, in fact it is very impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OP, my 21-year-old gave us the same news, and explained that she did it on purpose. We just met the father for the first time. She is planning to move in with him when she graduates college this year. It's a high-risk pregnancy for several reasons, many of which she knew about before.

Such colossal bad judgment.

A 21 year old soon to be college graduate is very different than what Op is facing.