I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

New poster here. Regardless of other things, it is wrong when one spouse prohibits the other to spend $100-200 here and there. Unless of course money is super tight.
On a different note- your poor son.

[Anonymous]

Some kids can handle a job in college and others cannot. There's not a right answer here. I worked during high school and undergrad and it did not turn out well for me. My parents were also not supportive of my education. I would have done better if I was with a tutor instead of working at a restaurant or babysitting in high school and college. If your son is bright then maybe a PT job will be ok. I do not want my son to struggle like I did. He will he spending money and a car if that's something he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Regardless of other things, it is wrong when one spouse prohibits the other to spend $100-200 here and there. Unless of course money is super tight.
On a different note- your poor son.

"Regardless of other things" is what this all turns on. Sure, in a perfect marriage/perfect world, a DH that withhold $200 is a controlling jerk. But what if DH has been asking OP to go back to work for 5 years, and OP has refused? What if OP's son had a decent job offer last summer making $15 an hour (enough to give him all his spending money for the school year), but he blew it off just to do 15 hours a week of campaigning -- and the DH said at the time he strongly disagreed with that decision and wouldn't be compensating the son for the difference - but the mom and son nonetheless decided to do the campaigning? What if OP is financially irresponsible and has been racking up credit card debt for years, and money is a huge source of tension in their lives? What if the son has never had a job, was a layabout in high school, is doing lousy in college, and it's been a source of tension for years and years that OP has been coddling him? Even if DH has the money, he's be totally within his rights to withhold the $100 every month in these situations, wouldn't he?

OP has been pretty limited with her information, and pretty slow to respond to posters questions. I'm guessing some of the above scenarios aren't outside the realm of possibilities.

[Anonymous]

It sounds controlling- especially since your DH isn't actually paying for college. I think kids in divorce remarriage situations can get shafted. New spouses may limit what goes to kids who are not their biological children--esp. when both parents remarry. I think a) you should go back to work if you want your son to have spending money and b) you should let your DH know that want to limit money for your DDs when they go to college because it's not fair to treat your DS differently.

If something happens to my DH I won't remarry because I know this kind of thing can occur. I have a close friend with step children and she makes *no* distinction between her step children and biological children. They receive the same attention, love, care, and resources as her bio children and while she respects their bio mom, she refers to them as her children. If something happened to her DH she would care for his kids the rest of her life. Her DH is the same way- he refers/thinks about her two children as his kids. I know this was a carefully thought out discussion and plan of action before they got married.

[Anonymous]

Maybe step-father wants to scuttle the boy's success so he doesn't overachieve his own bio daughters?

Anonymous wrote:
"Regardless of other things" is what this all turns on. Sure, in a perfect marriage/perfect world, a DH that withhold $200 is a controlling jerk. But what if DH has been asking OP to go back to work for 5 years, and OP has refused?

Controlling men like this do not want their DW to work, they get off on maintaining household power and it inflates their ego to be the sole breadwinner of the house. The man is probably giving the college boy a hard time because it's the last way to keep him under his thumb. Health insurance is free, phone bill is $50? So the only real power the step-father has over the college boy is withholding a modest allowance. That or as I said above, he's trying to kneecap the boy's success.

[Anonymous]

Maybe step-father wants to scuttle the boy's success so he doesn't overachieve his own bio daughters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have had a similar situation in my own marriage. All the kids are ours, no prior marriages.

However, in our case, I was raised UMC and my husband was raised working class by recent immigrants to the US. Things that I took for granted that we would do for college aged children included:
1. paying fraternity dues and sorority dues
2. taking kids shopping for new clothing prior to going to college, new comforter set, towels, etc.
3. getting each one a computer
4. paying for junior year abroad
5. giving them a small monthly allowance

My husband claims (and I don't know whether or not he is exaggerating) that he was not given anything new to take to college, that his treat was that once a semester he would go to Subway and split a sub sandwich with a friend, that he never left campus, that his parents never visited him at college, etc. etc. etc.

Unfortunately, he has some psychological baggage attached to his upbringing. Even though we can afford to take good care of our children, he's like "i turned out fine and I had nothing. therefore, our children don't need anything either."

Over the years, we have fought (and yes, we have had therapy) about whether the following things are necessary: music lessons; summer camp; going away to college vs. living at home; whether we should force children to major in only math and engineering (despite the fact that they have no innate ability in either subject); buying children clothing for college, camp, school etc.; allowances; swim team; swimming lessons; whether they need computers, phones, etc.

It's exhausting! He also expects them all to have paying jobs with benefits lined up that will begin the day after they graduate from college. Still not sure how that's going to play out.

I completely understand OP's outlook, if she feels like she's the only thing that stands between her child and homelessness, etc. I sometimes feel that way too.

"Psychological baggage"

So well put. Great response.

[Anonymous]

I worked all the way through college and grad school, starting the day I stepped on campus at 18 in 1990. My parents still sent me some extra money every month, and they didn't have a lot of it. I don't know why people are acting like this is some strange idea OP has.

[Anonymous]

Part of the problem is that in a blended family you can never know for sure that SD really believes the young man should stand on his own two feet vs. begrudging him $1800/yr.. There's a lot going on and OP never came back ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact scenario is exactly why I will always work.

Because your DH is an a$$ who doesn't value his marriage too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem is that in a blended family you can never know for sure that SD really believes the young man should stand on his own two feet vs. begrudging him $1800/yr.. There's a lot going on and OP never came back ...

OPs husband should have married a self-sufficient woman who didnt need to leech off his money to support HER son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked all the way through college and grad school, starting the day I stepped on campus at 18 in 1990. My parents still sent me some extra money every month, and they didn't have a lot of it. I don't know why people are acting like this is some strange idea OP has.

Exactly. We were poor immigrants growing up so parents didn't have extra money to give us for college, let alone even help pay for tuition, so we all worked during college. Youngest sibling is 20 in her junior year of college, works about 25 hours a week and us older siblings -5- still give her $50 each for any extras, which EVERY college student has. Why should she not get to do anything ever just because we grew up without while there are rich students in clubs, activities, etc never having to worry about money. Gtfoh.

Bottom line, OP's dh sounds like a pos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am aware this doesn’t contribute to the discussion, but you can’t play sports and work 20 hours a week. It’s prohibited by the NCAA. You can only work off season and over the summer, and even then the amount you can make is capped.

Since when? DH and I both had work study jobs (not sure how many hours though) and played a sport.

[Anonymous]

I had to work 24 hours a week at an internship for 3 years of schooling go - 3 full days/2 days of school (5-6 classes) and it very much impacted my grades. My parents paid for everything and were supportive but you cannot tell me working that much doesn't impact grades (I didn't have much of a social life because of it).

I think the issue is Dad is paying fully for college. Mom was getting a hefty child support check and that stopped when kid graduated/18. So, stepdad is mad and thinks Dad should pay even though both parents have an obligation to support their kids. If Mom is a SAHP by choice and child lived with Dad, they could use Stepdad's income in some states for child support purposes.

To me the bigger issue is what will happen if they divorce if he is like that. She will be left high and dry with nothing. There is no reason if Dad is paying fully for college that Mom cannot send $200 a month and pay for books.

Kid was working and had an internship lined up. If kid had to pay for bedding, fridge, clothing if a different climate, transportation, and all the things you need for college, that easily could be a good chunk of the summer earnings (not including if he needed a computer) plus books. I can see how it would go very quickly.

Mom needs a job to protect herself and all 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds controlling- especially since your DH isn't actually paying for college. I think kids in divorce remarriage situations can get shafted. New spouses may limit what goes to kids who are not their biological children--esp. when both parents remarry. I think a) you should go back to work if you want your son to have spending money and b) you should let your DH know that want to limit money for your DDs when they go to college because it's not fair to treat your DS differently.

If something happens to my DH I won't remarry because I know this kind of thing can occur. I have a close friend with step children and she makes *no* distinction between her step children and biological children. They receive the same attention, love, care, and resources as her bio children and while she respects their bio mom, she refers to them as her children. If something happened to her DH she would care for his kids the rest of her life. Her DH is the same way- he refers/thinks about her two children as his kids. I know this was a carefully thought out discussion and plan of action before they got married.

You have two different sets of kids with two different sets of parents. If all are living in your friend's home there should be no distinction BUT if kids live with mom, dad gets minimal visitation and pays hefty child support, yes, there should be as Mom has an obligation to use the child support and also contribute a portion of her money to the kids needs. Sure stepparents can help and should depending on the situation but I hardly doubt this stepdad ever really supported the kid beyond a roof over his head. Dad is probably paying fully for college and Stepdad is mad child support ended, which covered child's needs.

He isn't paying for health insurance if they have 2 other kids/family plan.