I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

OP barely came back and offered very limited follow up. More to the story here.... I am guessing apple doesn't fall far from the tree , and OP and DS are pretty indifferent to working - and expect SD to fill the hole. SD resents this, and is putting his foot down out of principle. Sucks for the DS because he's getting punished for OP and SD's unhealthy financial dynamic. Sure, he probably needs to be more financially independent - but most teens are given some leeway while they figure this stuff out.

But i'd bet a lot of money (which i have, because i have a job) that the really problem in this situation is OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP barely came back and offered very limited follow up. More to the story here.... I am guessing apple doesn't fall far from the tree , and OP and DS are pretty indifferent to working - and expect SD to fill the hole. SD resents this, and is putting his foot down out of principle. Sucks for the DS because he's getting punished for OP and SD's unhealthy financial dynamic. Sure, he probably needs to be more financially independent - but most teens are given some leeway while they figure this stuff out.

But i'd bet a lot of money (which i have, because i have a job) that the really problem in this situation is OP.

I think she used a lot of her child support money for her needs and her son and stepdad wasn't really responsible for him. It created a huge issue when it stopped. Child worked over the summer. It may have been unpaid for part but parents clearly approved of it. For some of us, it doesn't pay to work with child care, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP barely came back and offered very limited follow up. More to the story here.... I am guessing apple doesn't fall far from the tree , and OP and DS are pretty indifferent to working - and expect SD to fill the hole. SD resents this, and is putting his foot down out of principle. Sucks for the DS because he's getting punished for OP and SD's unhealthy financial dynamic. Sure, he probably needs to be more financially independent - but most teens are given some leeway while they figure this stuff out.

But i'd bet a lot of money (which i have, because i have a job) that the really problem in this situation is OP.

I think she used a lot of her child support money for her needs and her son and stepdad wasn't really responsible for him. It created a huge issue when it stopped. Child worked over the summer. It may have been unpaid for part but parents clearly approved of it. For some of us, it doesn't pay to work with child care, sadly.

wow, the projecting from you two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am aware this doesn’t contribute to the discussion, but you can’t play sports and work 20 hours a week. It’s prohibited by the NCAA. You can only work off season and over the summer, and even then the amount you can make is capped.

Since when? DH and I both had work study jobs (not sure how many hours though) and played a sport.

I assume OP's DH was exaggerating to make his stupid point. And was likely referring to kids who stayed home and attend a 2yr community or 4yr commuter college where sports aren't intense & obviously the academic side of things doesn't measure up to an elite university.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No, it’s actually not. He has zero responsibility to provide for a child that isn’t his.

What BS. He married a woman with a child, therefore taking the child on as his responsibility.

Legally, he is not responsible. Her xH and she are responsible. WTF would a new H be financially responsible for the child. He would have to adopt for that to be true.

GEEZ doesn't anybody understand basic laws.

I don't give a flying f**k about basic laws, I care about basic human decency.

This is not a thread asking for legal advice. It's asking for relationship advice.

Assuming this is OP, then the answer is your relationship is f**ked. I never worked during the school year in college and I'm so grateful to my parents for supporting me during that time, so I have no problem whatsoever with sending your college kid money. Your problem, however, is that your husband thinks all the money is his. How you ever agreed to stay at home under those circumstances is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Firs, OP, tell your kid to put the arm on his . . . what's that word . . . oh, yeah, *father*. His actual father.

Second, OP, you seem to think that because your kid "worked on a campaign" this summer this excuses him the responsibility of earning money. If you'd discussed this with your husband, and he reneged, I'd probably agree. But since you didn't mention it, I expect it's not the case. Your son made a choice; he volunteered instead of providing for himself. If he expected you and your husband to make up the difference without discussing it first, I can see why your husband is pissed.

[Anonymous]

Team Stepdad. My brother is marrying a single mom and Im showing him this thread to change his mind hopefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Regardless of other things, it is wrong when one spouse prohibits the other to spend $100-200 here and there. Unless of course money is super tight.
On a different note- your poor son.

"Regardless of other things" is what this all turns on. Sure, in a perfect marriage/perfect world, a DH that withhold $200 is a controlling jerk. But what if DH has been asking OP to go back to work for 5 years, and OP has refused? What if OP's son had a decent job offer last summer making $15 an hour (enough to give him all his spending money for the school year), but he blew it off just to do 15 hours a week of campaigning -- and the DH said at the time he strongly disagreed with that decision and wouldn't be compensating the son for the difference - but the mom and son nonetheless decided to do the campaigning? What if OP is financially irresponsible and has been racking up credit card debt for years, and money is a huge source of tension in their lives? What if the son has never had a job, was a layabout in high school, is doing lousy in college, and it's been a source of tension for years and years that OP has been coddling him? Even if DH has the money, he's be totally within his rights to withhold the $100 every month in these situations, wouldn't he?

OP has been pretty limited with her information, and pretty slow to respond to posters questions. I'm guessing some of the above scenarios aren't outside the realm of possibilities.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Stepdad. My brother is marrying a single mom and Im showing him this thread to change his mind hopefully.

Change his mind on what? Two people who supposedly love each other enough to get married and share their life together? Care and support each other?

Things come up in life. Support your partner. You don’t want to be used but this does not sound like much of an ask! How someone would begrudge their partner a small bit of $, time, help - something they need from you which you can provide. How is that bad? I think that’s what loving couples do.

For whatever reason her dc ran out of money and she wants to provide a small allowance. Why is this even an issue? OP has not come back but it does not sound like step dad is providing anything but insurance ( which is a family plan I’m guessing) and keeping him on cell.

Heck, I’d give a neighbor kid a few dollars a month if I thought they could use it! If this family is struggling financially I get it but OP has not said. If it is to be a hard- nose, I don’t get it. Kids need a bit of spending money. Our DC asked for more, we asked why as we believe dc had enough for semester, wanted to teach budgeting, etc. etc. but things come up. We gave a bit more and said no to another request. He was fine with it and knew he would not suffer ( he just didn’t like the campus food

My dh does so many things for me just because he loves me and really enjoys making me happy. This sounds like such a small thing to do for your spouse - providing a few dollars for someone she loves. I don’t get it at all unless the dh and stepson just never got along, they are financially strapped, or dh mad she does not work. OP please tell us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Firs, OP, tell your kid to put the arm on his . . . what's that word . . . oh, yeah, *father*. His actual father.

Second, OP, you seem to think that because your kid "worked on a campaign" this summer this excuses him the responsibility of earning money. If you'd discussed this with your husband, and he reneged, I'd probably agree. But since you didn't mention it, I expect it's not the case. Your son made a choice; he volunteered instead of providing for himself. If he expected you and your husband to make up the difference without discussing it first, I can see why your husband is pissed.

OP has shared the boy:

worked part-time in summer + part-time campaign volunteer in summer + has paid summer internship lined up + attends prestigious college

That's a solid kid. You're bending over backwards to spin; troll or just thick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Stepdad. My brother is marrying a single mom and Im showing him this thread to change his mind hopefully.

Change his mind on what? Two people who supposedly love each other enough to get married and share their life together? Care and support each other?

Things come up in life. Support your partner. You don’t want to be used but this does not sound like much of an ask! How someone would begrudge their partner a small bit of $, time, help - something they need from you which you can provide. How is that bad? I think that’s what loving couples do.

For whatever reason her dc ran out of money and she wants to provide a small allowance. Why is this even an issue? OP has not come back but it does not sound like step dad is providing anything but insurance ( which is a family plan I’m guessing) and keeping him on cell.

Heck, I’d give a neighbor kid a few dollars a month if I thought they could use it! If this family is struggling financially I get it but OP has not said. If it is to be a hard- nose, I don’t get it. Kids need a bit of spending money. Our DC asked for more, we asked why as we believe dc had enough for semester, wanted to teach budgeting, etc. etc. but things come up. We gave a bit more and said no to another request. He was fine with it and knew he would not suffer ( he just didn’t like the campus food

My dh does so many things for me just because he loves me and really enjoys making me happy. This sounds like such a small thing to do for your spouse - providing a few dollars for someone she loves. I don’t get it at all unless the dh and stepson just never got along, they are financially strapped, or dh mad she does not work. OP please tell us!

Change his mind about ending up in a situation like OP's. What's in it for OPs husband to give money to her kid? He's never going to get back what he's given him.

[Anonymous]

Team DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Firs, OP, tell your kid to put the arm on his . . . what's that word . . . oh, yeah, *father*. His actual father.

Second, OP, you seem to think that because your kid "worked on a campaign" this summer this excuses him the responsibility of earning money. If you'd discussed this with your husband, and he reneged, I'd probably agree. But since you didn't mention it, I expect it's not the case. Your son made a choice; he volunteered instead of providing for himself. If he expected you and your husband to make up the difference without discussing it first, I can see why your husband is pissed.

OP has shared the boy:

worked part-time in summer + part-time campaign volunteer in summer + has paid summer internship lined up + attends prestigious college

That's a solid kid. You're bending over backwards to spin; troll or just thick?

She has *not* shared a great deal of other information, including whether sending money was discussed previously, whether the kid was a spendthrift, how much he started with, just to name a few points. No one can say whether the husband is unreasonable or not without that information, to start with. You, though, appear to have decided that based on four data points (several of which are ambiguous) that he deserves a supplement, no matter what. Which makes you either biased, and/or a dolt. I'm guessing both.

[Anonymous]

Well, this thread is illuminating.

You are nothing unless you work. SCREW THE KIDS.

And if you work and spouse doesn't, then you are KING. Spouse can beg for scraps. No matter that she's caring for YOUR TWO KIDS and all the other house stuff. MONEY IS EVERYTHING, AND ONLY THE PERSON MAKING IT COUNTS.

Got it.

Signed, WOHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Well, this thread is illuminating.

You are nothing unless you work. SCREW THE KIDS.

And if you work and spouse doesn't, then you are KING. Spouse can beg for scraps. No matter that she's caring for YOUR TWO KIDS and all the other house stuff. MONEY IS EVERYTHING, AND ONLY THE PERSON MAKING IT COUNTS.

Got it.

Signed, WOHM

My husband works, I don't. I control all the money.