Reply to DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP here.  I haven’t had time to read all of the comments but I will this weekend.  Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this thread and I wanted to report some good news.

Had a mini conversation last night with DW and it went extremely well.

I took the advice of many on this board and didn’t lead with the sex.  I brought up the fact that I wanted us to be connected more during the week.  I explained that I felt neglected and we didn’t have a partnership in place.

At first, there was a defensive reaction around the fact that she’s trying to help out around the house.  I told her this is not a tit for tat conversation (I should get credit for doing this, you have to do that, etc) and that I understand that she wants to prove herself at work.  I expressed that I want to support her because she supported me for so many years.  And then I asked her if she felt like I was supporting her.   She said – some days yes and some days no.

That was a real moment for me.  There was truth there.  Because I am doing a lot at home but I’m not doing them to support my wife, I’m doing them to get those tasks completed – there is a very important nuance there.  It’s kind of like when I shared that when my DW cooks, she’s doing it with TLC, whereas when I cook, I’m doing it to get food on the table as quickly as possible.

Anyways, I asked her how I could support her more and we talked about that.  She then went on to acknowledge me stepping up on the household duties and how bad she felt.

I asked what she had around expectations for us (thank you to the poster who suggested this question) and told her that we’re letting life get in the way of us staying connected and that we have to be intentional to stay connected – for us and for the kids.  She agreed that we need to have “connected time” during the week.  But instead of talking about concrete activities to follow through on, I went in for the sex.  She was agreeable to that which honestly, made a lot of my discontent disappear.

I know that I’ve taken a beating from some of you around my self-centered sex approach.  But there is a part of me that changes when I don’t have sex, make love, or get laid (however you want to put it) with my DW.  I find myself grumpier, more prone to anger, etc.  Maybe that’s why they tell boxers not to have sex before their fights.  But I digress.  When I take care of my own needs solo, there is a release but there is still a tension if that makes any sense.  When my DW and I are intimate, there is a whole body release – mind, body and emotions.

Just wanted to thank the diverse thoughts and insights of the people on this board.  It helped me reflect and consider different perspectives which helped me in the conversation.

I plan on having a lengthier discussion this weekend with DW and will report back.

Np If I were you I wouldn't report back at all.  You don't owe us anything and it seems like you are on the way.  Even though it is anonymous I wouldn't be happy if I find my spouse put some much personal info out there.  Just enjoy your kids and wife.[/quote]

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