At what point does a favor become a burden?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

barf.

Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.

Wow, you sound like you’re still hung over from the weekend. Or this morning.

No, just sick of self-aggrandizement bullsh*tters. She had a discussion with her DH about this? I call BS.

I'm the "spoke to my DH" poster from 9:56 the other day. Yep, actually did. In part because every time we extend ourselves for another family, we do it together. If I'm going to take time from our family to spend time on someone else's, he has to do more childcare. And vice versa. And we discuss unusual purchases with each other. He's a teacher and he calls me when he's thinking about dropping $100 on pizza for his classes or a club he sponsors. Ditto when I want to buy flowers or a present for someone.

Sarcastic "honor" responses aside, we're working on making good on this intention. We've signed up to make postpartum meals for a few friendly acquaintances and offered to help grocery shop for a neighbor with cancer (hope she takes us up on it). We do more for our good friends, but this is about pushing ourselves beyond our own circle. Not too much more just yet, but we'll keep looking for ways to help. I'm sure we'll get more mocking on this post, but we'd honestly love any suggestions. We're contemplating mentoring a refugee family through IRC.

And for that person who wondered about our circumstances.. we have stable family-friendly jobs (he's a teacher with a short commute and I have a technical 8-5 job with 10% travel, an hour commute each way, and rare weekend work), one toddler, and a dog. We pay someone to help clean once a month. Some close family nearby which helps with babysitting maybe quarterly. The fact that my DH does at least half at home really makes the difference so that we collectively have time/energy to give back.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness - OP, it is completely reasonable for you to stop this favor now!

I also have one kid and I work from home often and I have sometimes encountered the issue of other people thinking I am living on easy street and at their service for free favors. No.

It's not only a burden on your time and your freedom to have to pick up another kid, it's a significant responsibility that builds up. Like you say: someone forgets a shoe...are you warm enough?...did you buckle your seatbelt?...ugh, do you have a cold and mom is sending you to school and now your germs are in my car? This stuff is pretty little, but it adds up. We used to have a child next-door who came home to stay alone for an hour after school and the mom was "so grateful that we were there to keep an eye out." This kid - who I adore - came over daily and I felt responsible for her well-being, like I couldn't say no you can't hang out here because her parents weren't home. I didn't even feel I could go to the store because we wouldn't be there if she needed an adult - it was crappy of the parents to rely on us without consent. It resolved, but these types of prolonged favors are really overstepping and it's rude of people to not even try to understand the ACTUAL impact of their ask.

I'd just say "Hey Larla - we love Cindy and I'm so glad we've been able to help out taking her to school. After Thanksgiving break my work schedule is changing and managing morning is going to be tougher. So I won't be able to pick her up after 11/22."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I would do it until her twins were 6 months old, because I remember how exhausting the first 6 months are, even with one. But if you don't want to do it anymore just send her a communication that you won't be able to do it past x date.

And would you say thank you, if someone did this sizable favor for you? Would you repeatedly and profusely express your gratitude about the load they were taking off your shoulders? I'm guessing twin family is not doing this for OP. At all. And it makes it an awful lot harder to want to help someone out when there is no acknowledgment that such help comes with a burden for the helper family (and yes 10 min in the morning is a real burden for many).

We agreed to a carpool one year for another family. Unreciprocated and once a week, and it involved driving 20 min out of the way. It was a really big help to this family because of their situation, but over time the favor started to grate on me, big-time. They never said thank you. Not even once. Yes, it's important to support individuals in a community who need assistance. But it's just as important for those individuals to recognize the assistance others are providing. Too often that doesn't happen. At that point, it seems pretty reasonable that those who had agreed to do a favor for someone don't want to, anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh people, whatever happened to "It takes a Village"?
Why are we abandoning the centuries old idea of community- woman helping woman, in favor of everyone on their own- good luck to you?

When my twins were babies, I had a few moms help out driving my older 2 to activities. And now we drive their kids to activities (I pack 1 family of 4 kids in my minivan with my 2 older ones- love minivans)

Anyway, I got in 2 car accidents in 2 weeks due to severe sleep deprivation when my twins were 3 months old. One- I turned right into a moving vehicle. Neither of us could believe it- I apologized profusely. Lucky, no one was hurt. But simply, my eyes and brain were not working, and I did not see him at all.
I've never caused any other accidents in my 25+ years of driving.

The whole "takes a village" idea works only if you have a system like that set up in place where everyone is close-knit and women's roles are limited to mothering eg. Hasidic Jewish communities. It doesn't sound like the OP is part of a system where people openly trade favors...her neighbor is just taking advantage.

This.

[Anonymous]

she'll reciprocate eventually. the twins are only a few weeks old and she's still in a huge fog. keep helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean I would do it until her twins were 6 months old, because I remember how exhausting the first 6 months are, even with one. But if you don't want to do it anymore just send her a communication that you won't be able to do it past x date.

And would you say thank you, if someone did this sizable favor for you? Would you repeatedly and profusely express your gratitude about the load they were taking off your shoulders? I'm guessing twin family is not doing this for OP. At all. And it makes it an awful lot harder to want to help someone out when there is no acknowledgment that such help comes with a burden for the helper family (and yes 10 min in the morning is a real burden for many).

We agreed to a carpool one year for another family. Unreciprocated and once a week, and it involved driving 20 min out of the way. It was a really big help to this family because of their situation, but over time the favor started to grate on me, big-time. They never said thank you. Not even once. Yes, it's important to support individuals in a community who need assistance. But it's just as important for those individuals to recognize the assistance others are providing. Too often that doesn't happen. At that point, it seems pretty reasonable that those who had agreed to do a favor for someone don't want to, anymore.

I hope I would express gratitude. But looking back on the fog of newborn days, I had so many people helping me and pitching in, but I wasn't as gracious as I should've been... I was too wrapped up in the baby blues and lack of sleep. But yes, I think a recipient of a favor should express gratitude and reciprocate when the time is right. Please note that I didn't say that op should continue doing the favor... She evidently feels hard done by. She should tell the mom she's stopping in a date certain. No one likes a negative Nancy doing them favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she'll reciprocate eventually. the twins are only a few weeks old and she's still in a huge fog. keep helping.

No she won't. Needy free loaders are never available to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she'll reciprocate eventually. the twins are only a few weeks old and she's still in a huge fog. keep helping.

No she won't. Needy free loaders are never available to help.

+1
if she were the kind who reciprocates she would behave differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she'll reciprocate eventually. the twins are only a few weeks old and she's still in a huge fog. keep helping.

No she won't. Needy free loaders are never available to help.

+1
if she were the kind who reciprocates she would behave differently.

This is so true. I helped a ton with my twin nieces who are now 7 and now that I have my own child, all of a sudden my brother and SIL are MIA. People who take advantage do not reciprocate. I learned the hard way. Never again.

[Anonymous]

Take a look at the family. Do they look a mess? If so, it is very early days in having twins. They are likely sleep deprived and it doesn't even occur to them to add this back. If they look well rested, then ask them when they will start taking their kid to the bus stop. Maybe the hubby is back and work and take the kids on his way. Keep in mind, that what you are doing may be really, really helpful for the kid you are driving. Maybe you are helping that child get out of a chaotic household and have time to clear their head before school. Thanks for helping them out (said as a mother a twins and minimal sleep for the first 4 months

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a look at the family. Do they look a mess? If so, it is very early days in having twins. They are likely sleep deprived and it doesn't even occur to them to add this back. If they look well rested, then ask them when they will start taking their kid to the bus stop. Maybe the hubby is back and work and take the kids on his way. Keep in mind, that what you are doing may be really, really helpful for the kid you are driving. Maybe you are helping that child get out of a chaotic household and have time to clear their head before school. Thanks for helping them out (said as a mother a twins and minimal sleep for the first 4 months

I had singles and I don’t think I looked well-rested - even in the most generous sense of the word - until the 10 month mark.

[Anonymous]

The OP has stated they have multiple kids- not just one child. She is probably doubling the number of children she's getting to the bus stop.

I think OP should tell them that she can only do it for x number of weeks and to please have the children walk over to her house by X:XXam for a prompt departure. If it's in a gated community, surely they can manage that. OP can't afford to be late to a job; if she loses in due to tardiness, perhaps the twin family can support her during her unemployment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP has stated they have multiple kids- not just one child. She is probably doubling the number of children she's getting to the bus stop.

I think OP should tell them that she can only do it for x number of weeks and to please have the children walk over to her house by X:XXam for a prompt departure. If it's in a gated community, surely they can manage that. OP can't afford to be late to a job; if she loses in due to tardiness, perhaps the twin family can support her during her unemployment.

I think she means the older school child and the twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP has stated they have multiple kids- not just one child. She is probably doubling the number of children she's getting to the bus stop.

I think OP should tell them that she can only do it for x number of weeks and to please have the children walk over to her house by X:XXam for a prompt departure. If it's in a gated community, surely they can manage that. OP can't afford to be late to a job; if she loses in due to tardiness, perhaps the twin family can support her during her unemployment.

I think she means the older school child and the twins.

no, it sounded like OP was driving multiple neighbor's kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are some facts missing.
- where is your neighbor's spouse in all of this?
- why can't the neighbors' kid(s) come to your house versus you stopping at theirs? (I still appreciate that it takes more time to buckle more kids in, so this doesn't entirely solve the problem but might make it easier.)
- how close are you to your neighbor?

For the record, I'm on team OP, and I have twins (and had a c-section and could barely get out of bed in the beginning). This is a HUGE favor (10 minutes in the morning for an indefinite period of time is a LOT), and I would never consider asking someone to do this for more than a day or two. I didn't "choose" to have twins (i.e. no IVF), so they were a surprise, but my husband and I got our shit together in the nine months that we had to plan.

OP, it's possible that there are some more facts that could make your neighbor more sympathetic (i.e. her husband is deployed, she has no family nearby, they can't afford help), but otherwise I'm with you and I think you should tell her this free ride is coming to an end.