Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh jeez guys. The movie was a comic book movie and whenever he sees that type of movie, he goes with guy friends, which is A-OK by me. do not GAF. I'd have been fine with another movie, even though the whole point was to not sit staring at a screen like we do 80% of the time we are together.

So go to dinner beforehand.

Who cares if it's a comic book movie. Maybe it would mean a lot to him if you would share something he enjoys with him?

Maybe then he too could then appreciate sharing something you enjoy with you?

[Anonymous]

The real issue is not simply that he wants to see a movie she doesn't. It's that when asked to come up with a list of creative or romantic date nights so they could spend time together and rekindle their relationship, that's ALL he could come up with. A movie he knew she wouldn't want to see and an activity involving their child (so not romantic). Then when they both agreed to do something else, he couldn't be bothered to do the work to sign them up. It's telling, is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh jeez guys. The movie was a comic book movie and whenever he sees that type of movie, he goes with guy friends, which is A-OK by me. do not GAF. I'd have been fine with another movie, even though the whole point was to not sit staring at a screen like we do 80% of the time we are together.

Why not turn it into dinner and a movie? Then he gets his screen time and you get interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real issue is not simply that he wants to see a movie she doesn't. It's that when asked to come up with a list of creative or romantic date nights so they could spend time together and rekindle their relationship, that's ALL he could come up with. A movie he knew she wouldn't want to see and an activity involving their child (so not romantic). Then when they both agreed to do something else, he couldn't be bothered to do the work to sign them up. It's telling, is all.

So, basically you just want to complain....not come up with a solution and a way to have what you want and be happy?

If this is where things are then just break up.

Again - when they agreed to do something else, she should have just gone and booked it. Not assigned it to him as some sort of "test".....that's so dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real issue is not simply that he wants to see a movie she doesn't. It's that when asked to come up with a list of creative or romantic date nights so they could spend time together and rekindle their relationship, that's ALL he could come up with. A movie he knew she wouldn't want to see and an activity involving their child (so not romantic). Then when they both agreed to do something else, he couldn't be bothered to do the work to sign them up. It's telling, is all.

So, basically you just want to complain....not come up with a solution and a way to have what you want and be happy?

If this is where things are then just break up.

Again - when they agreed to do something else, she should have just gone and booked it. Not assigned it to him as some sort of "test".....that's so dumb.

Oh really, it's a crime to want to feel like your husband is putting as much effort into your relationship as you are? Isn't that the whole point of date night? "trying"

[Anonymous]

Wife wants to have a regular date night, H agrees. Both were supposed to come up with ideas. The wife proposed a bunch of creative ideas. Husband 2: 1 involving their kid and 1 a movie he knew she wouldn't want to see. They finally agree on a cooking class. H agrees to sign them up. 3 months pass and finally he says he has no time to sign them up. How is this not complete indifference and disregard for her feelings?

I feel like I am taking crazy pills in this thread. You all put up with way more than I do, I can tell you that. Idk what to make of that.

Did he agree though? At every turn, he's not actively participating. He doesn't seem into it. I'm reading it more like she's telling him to make a list of things to do so he half assed it instead of ignoring the request/demand and maybe trying to avoid a fight. Then she shoots down the thing he wants to do, doesn't really seem into modifying his likes into something they can both enjoy, and talks him into a cooking class. Then instead of signing up for it, she puts it off on him, when he wasn't really interested in the first place, and gets upset when he doesn't follow through. He shouldn't have said ok when she told him to book the class, but if she wants to do it, she should take more initiative. The guy really sounds like he doesn't want to do date night. If you want him to go, you're going to have to make it more appealing for him.

It would be like a husband complaining to a wife about not getting enough sex. So he asks her to pick a few positions she'd like to try and he'll suggest some too. Wife lists two and DH dismisses them as too boring. Then tells her lets do it this way. When you're ready, you should put on some lingerie and hit me up. Wife never puts on lingerie and hits him up. I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wife wants to have a regular date night, H agrees. Both were supposed to come up with ideas. The wife proposed a bunch of creative ideas. Husband 2: 1 involving their kid and 1 a movie he knew she wouldn't want to see. They finally agree on a cooking class. H agrees to sign them up. 3 months pass and finally he says he has no time to sign them up. How is this not complete indifference and disregard for her feelings?

I feel like I am taking crazy pills in this thread. You all put up with way more than I do, I can tell you that. Idk what to make of that.

Did he agree though? At every turn, he's not actively participating. He doesn't seem into it. I'm reading it more like she's telling him to make a list of things to do so he half assed it instead of ignoring the request/demand and maybe trying to avoid a fight. Then she shoots down the thing he wants to do, doesn't really seem into modifying his likes into something they can both enjoy, and talks him into a cooking class. Then instead of signing up for it, she puts it off on him, when he wasn't really interested in the first place, and gets upset when he doesn't follow through. He shouldn't have said ok when she told him to book the class, but if she wants to do it, she should take more initiative. The guy really sounds like he doesn't want to do date night. If you want him to go, you're going to have to make it more appealing for him.

It would be like a husband complaining to a wife about not getting enough sex. So he asks her to pick a few positions she'd like to try and he'll suggest some too. Wife lists two and DH dismisses them as too boring. Then tells her lets do it this way. When you're ready, you should put on some lingerie and hit me up. Wife never puts on lingerie and hits him up. I wonder why.

Exactly....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares that he didn't book anything for three months.

This goes back to the original premise of this thread. Why is she "assigning" him this task. If this is something that's important to her, she should just book it for them.

Asking him to make something that's a priority for you a priority for him doesn't work. People don't work that way.

My DH has never booked a trip or made social plans for us. it's not important to him, but it is important to me. For a while I tried to force him to do it, it just made us both miserable.

Now if I want to do something i just book it. He will go and enjoy himself, but he's not a planner. It's not his thing. He has other things that he takes care of that are a priority for him, and I appreciate that.

I disagree. Men put plenty of effort into relationships when they're new, planning dates and such, and often that slows way down after marriage and then kids. This is a commonly discussed phenomenon on these boards (and incidentally connected to the waning sex issue for many couples). When my husband and I went through something similar, we had a discussion about it and I said something to the effect of "when you don't make plans for us to do fun things together, it makes me feel like you are no longer into this relationship. I don't want to be the only one making an effort." Something in that conversation clicked for him because now he often does take the reigns in making plans.

[Anonymous]

This thread has really derailed from the awesome thread it was this morning. If OP or anyone who's done the same as she has wants to come back and actually throw some more pearls of wisdom our way it would be very appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real issue is not simply that he wants to see a movie she doesn't. It's that when asked to come up with a list of creative or romantic date nights so they could spend time together and rekindle their relationship, that's ALL he could come up with. A movie he knew she wouldn't want to see and an activity involving their child (so not romantic). Then when they both agreed to do something else, he couldn't be bothered to do the work to sign them up. It's telling, is all.

So, basically you just want to complain....not come up with a solution and a way to have what you want and be happy?

If this is where things are then just break up.

Again - when they agreed to do something else, she should have just gone and booked it. Not assigned it to him as some sort of "test".....that's so dumb.

Oh really, it's a crime to want to feel like your husband is putting as much effort into your relationship as you are? Isn't that the whole point of date night? "trying"

Yes. It's criminal. Lock her up and throw away the key.

Hyperbole isn't likely to help here. The whole point of this thread is about not getting your happiness from others, and not making yourself responsible for other people's happiness. Making him register for something he clearly isn't into but she is, at her request, when she's perfectly capable of doing it, is the opposite of the spirit of this thread. It doesn't make any sense. If it's important, sign up. If it's not important, pawn the job off on someone else and then complain that they don't do it right. I can't imagine why he'd be reluctant to have a date night considering how fun the planning process is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wife wants to have a regular date night, H agrees. Both were supposed to come up with ideas. The wife proposed a bunch of creative ideas. Husband 2: 1 involving their kid and 1 a movie he knew she wouldn't want to see. They finally agree on a cooking class. H agrees to sign them up. 3 months pass and finally he says he has no time to sign them up. How is this not complete indifference and disregard for her feelings?

I feel like I am taking crazy pills in this thread. You all put up with way more than I do, I can tell you that. Idk what to make of that.

Did he agree though? At every turn, he's not actively participating. He doesn't seem into it. I'm reading it more like she's telling him to make a list of things to do so he half assed it instead of ignoring the request/demand and maybe trying to avoid a fight. Then she shoots down the thing he wants to do, doesn't really seem into modifying his likes into something they can both enjoy, and talks him into a cooking class. Then instead of signing up for it, she puts it off on him, when he wasn't really interested in the first place, and gets upset when he doesn't follow through. He shouldn't have said ok when she told him to book the class, but if she wants to do it, she should take more initiative. The guy really sounds like he doesn't want to do date night. If you want him to go, you're going to have to make it more appealing for him.

It would be like a husband complaining to a wife about not getting enough sex. So he asks her to pick a few positions she'd like to try and he'll suggest some too. Wife lists two and DH dismisses them as too boring. Then tells her lets do it this way. When you're ready, you should put on some lingerie and hit me up. Wife never puts on lingerie and hits him up. I wonder why.

I agree with your first few sentences, but my take on it was not that she actually wants to do the cooking class in particular. If it was just that she wants to take a class and he doesn't, then sure, good advice would be to take a friend. That's not what's going on here. She just wants to do something that is fun and interactive for BOTH of them. She wants their dates to be a source of pleasure for both of them. The fact that he can't be bothered to try, well, I would take that personally. That's the kind of thing that would lead to a serious discussion about the state of the relationship for me. It's not something I would try to "detach" from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wife wants to have a regular date night, H agrees. Both were supposed to come up with ideas. The wife proposed a bunch of creative ideas. Husband 2: 1 involving their kid and 1 a movie he knew she wouldn't want to see. They finally agree on a cooking class. H agrees to sign them up. 3 months pass and finally he says he has no time to sign them up. How is this not complete indifference and disregard for her feelings?

I feel like I am taking crazy pills in this thread. You all put up with way more than I do, I can tell you that. Idk what to make of that.

Did he agree though? At every turn, he's not actively participating. He doesn't seem into it. I'm reading it more like she's telling him to make a list of things to do so he half assed it instead of ignoring the request/demand and maybe trying to avoid a fight. Then she shoots down the thing he wants to do, doesn't really seem into modifying his likes into something they can both enjoy, and talks him into a cooking class. Then instead of signing up for it, she puts it off on him, when he wasn't really interested in the first place, and gets upset when he doesn't follow through. He shouldn't have said ok when she told him to book the class, but if she wants to do it, she should take more initiative. The guy really sounds like he doesn't want to do date night. If you want him to go, you're going to have to make it more appealing for him.

It would be like a husband complaining to a wife about not getting enough sex. So he asks her to pick a few positions she'd like to try and he'll suggest some too. Wife lists two and DH dismisses them as too boring. Then tells her lets do it this way. When you're ready, you should put on some lingerie and hit me up. Wife never puts on lingerie and hits him up. I wonder why.

I agree with your first few sentences, but my take on it was not that she actually wants to do the cooking class in particular. If it was just that she wants to take a class and he doesn't, then sure, good advice would be to take a friend. That's not what's going on here. She just wants to do something that is fun and interactive for BOTH of them. She wants their dates to be a source of pleasure for both of them. The fact that he can't be bothered to try, well, I would take that personally. That's the kind of thing that would lead to a serious discussion about the state of the relationship for me. It's not something I would try to "detach" from.

Forcing him to plan something he doesn't want to do clearly isn't working. Time to try plan b.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real issue is not simply that he wants to see a movie she doesn't. It's that when asked to come up with a list of creative or romantic date nights so they could spend time together and rekindle their relationship, that's ALL he could come up with. A movie he knew she wouldn't want to see and an activity involving their child (so not romantic). Then when they both agreed to do something else, he couldn't be bothered to do the work to sign them up. It's telling, is all.

So, basically you just want to complain....not come up with a solution and a way to have what you want and be happy?

If this is where things are then just break up.

Again - when they agreed to do something else, she should have just gone and booked it. Not assigned it to him as some sort of "test".....that's so dumb.

Oh really, it's a crime to want to feel like your husband is putting as much effort into your relationship as you are? Isn't that the whole point of date night? "trying"

Yes. It's criminal. Lock her up and throw away the key.

Hyperbole isn't likely to help here. The whole point of this thread is about not getting your happiness from others, and not making yourself responsible for other people's happiness. Making him register for something he clearly isn't into but she is, at her request, when she's perfectly capable of doing it, is the opposite of the spirit of this thread. It doesn't make any sense. If it's important, sign up. If it's not important, pawn the job off on someone else and then complain that they don't do it right. I can't imagine why he'd be reluctant to have a date night considering how fun the planning process is.

This is exactly the point we're trying to make here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real issue is not simply that he wants to see a movie she doesn't. It's that when asked to come up with a list of creative or romantic date nights so they could spend time together and rekindle their relationship, that's ALL he could come up with. A movie he knew she wouldn't want to see and an activity involving their child (so not romantic). Then when they both agreed to do something else, he couldn't be bothered to do the work to sign them up. It's telling, is all.

So, basically you just want to complain....not come up with a solution and a way to have what you want and be happy?

If this is where things are then just break up.

Again - when they agreed to do something else, she should have just gone and booked it. Not assigned it to him as some sort of "test".....that's so dumb.

Oh really, it's a crime to want to feel like your husband is putting as much effort into your relationship as you are? Isn't that the whole point of date night? "trying"

Yes. It's criminal. Lock her up and throw away the key.

Hyperbole isn't likely to help here. The whole point of this thread is about not getting your happiness from others, and not making yourself responsible for other people's happiness. Making him register for something he clearly isn't into but she is, at her request, when she's perfectly capable of doing it, is the opposite of the spirit of this thread. It doesn't make any sense. If it's important, sign up. If it's not important, pawn the job off on someone else and then complain that they don't do it right. I can't imagine why he'd be reluctant to have a date night considering how fun the planning process is.

This is exactly the point we're trying to make here!

Isn't the point that she wants to see HIM making an effort for a change? What is wrong with that? People stop making an effort when they check out, when it no longer matters quite as much to them. What you're calling detachment, others see as indifference. Indifference in a marriage is not a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Ok. So I put on my big girl married boring cotton underpants and plan something, anything. Say he goes, even though he'll complain about paying for a sitter, and is a an ass. What are tips for letting it roll off?

At this point, I'm not expecting him to change. I don't think I'm going to see him show interest. I'm finding it hard to not have an emotional reaction to it, hence asking about the detaching. I've found it very interesting hearing about others' mental processes as they start that detaching. I can do it for the little stuff. It's hard to tell what is "big" and what is not. What is irreparable and what can be lived with.