Would you be okay with your daughter dating a boy from a different race?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, and I have to agree that this is the most depressing thread I have read on this site- well besides the one about babies being left in the car but still...

13 pages for a question that I thought was outdated and a no-brainer... yikes!

to the AA moms, I appreciate your point of view and I have found your posts eye opening. They are also extremely disheartening as a single women (For real, trying to meet a decent man is not always easy, why would I limit my pool based on race?) Even though these posts (and many others on this thread!) make me sad, you are being honest about your feelings and I have to respect that.

But in general to everyone who said they would be disappointed if their child fell in love outside their race- hopefully you will ALL be getting your comeuppance soon enough

Black mom here. Let me say this: if a black man wants to date you, nothing I (or any black person) say will change their desires. Nothing. My feelings on this issue should not affect you; just like the white folks on this thread who've said they wouldn't exactly welcome a black SIL/DIL doesn't affect me.

I'm starting to think this is more about outrage that someone would dare "reject" white people.

I am the poster you quoted, and I am kinda wondering why anyone needs to be rejected? I am in by no means outraged by your posts, because if I did choose to marry a AA man, I wouldn't assume his family thinks of me the way your posts describe-because everyone is different and hopefully not all AA families would share your view of me. But your post and the posts from the other side give me pause about where we are at as a country, when before I would have naively thought I could be accepted into any family...

my point is- the same feeling you have about your son not being accepted by a white family, when you feel the same way about a white girl in coming into yours- that breaks my heart for me, your son, and all the other children whose parents can't see past color of skin to see that person...

It's not really about rejection, but rather, a preference. Don't we all have a preference on the type of people we'd date? Don't some men prefer blondes? Don't some women prefer tall men? Are these things inherently wrong or discriminatory?

I will say this to you: don't assume that a black family will tell you their true feelings on your IR union. Family is very important to me and I'd never say something that would risk alienating my son. His white wife would never know I had these feelings and all of my interactions with her would have her believing that she is truly accepted and welcomed into the family. At that point, what's done is done, so no used crying over spilled milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Black mom here. Let me say this: if a black man wants to date you, nothing I (or any black person) say will change their desires. Nothing. My feelings on this issue should not affect you; just like the white folks on this thread who've said they wouldn't exactly welcome a black SIL/DIL doesn't affect me.

I'm starting to think this is more about outrage that someone would dare "reject" white people.

Intellectually, I understand the emotions surrounding why a AA mother would prefer her black son to fall in love and marry a black daughter. It seems similar to why Jewish families want their Jewish sons to marry other Jewish women but aren't as concerned with their Jewish daughters.

But as a person who was rejected by the family of my Jewish boyfriend (and we were heading toward marriage), it is hard not to question why any family just wouldn't want their child to be happy. FWIW - I am now happily married with 3 kids but my Jewish ex-boyfriend never married. I can't help but feel sad for him and I wonder how often his family got in the way of his relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, and I have to agree that this is the most depressing thread I have read on this site- well besides the one about babies being left in the car but still...

13 pages for a question that I thought was outdated and a no-brainer... yikes!

to the AA moms, I appreciate your point of view and I have found your posts eye opening. They are also extremely disheartening as a single women (For real, trying to meet a decent man is not always easy, why would I limit my pool based on race?) Even though these posts (and many others on this thread!) make me sad, you are being honest about your feelings and I have to respect that.

But in general to everyone who said they would be disappointed if their child fell in love outside their race- hopefully you will ALL be getting your comeuppance soon enough

Black mom here. Let me say this: if a black man wants to date you, nothing I (or any black person) say will change their desires. Nothing. My feelings on this issue should not affect you; just like the white folks on this thread who've said they wouldn't exactly welcome a black SIL/DIL doesn't affect me.

I'm starting to think this is more about outrage that someone would dare "reject" white people.

I am the poster you quoted, and I am kinda wondering why anyone needs to be rejected? I am in by no means outraged by your posts, because if I did choose to marry a AA man, I wouldn't assume his family thinks of me the way your posts describe-because everyone is different and hopefully not all AA families would share your view of me. But your post and the posts from the other side give me pause about where we are at as a country, when before I would have naively thought I could be accepted into any family...

my point is- the same feeling you have about your son not being accepted by a white family, when you feel the same way about a white girl in coming into yours- that breaks my heart for me, your son, and all the other children whose parents can't see past color of skin to see that person...

It's not really about rejection, but rather, a preference. Don't we all have a preference on the type of people we'd date? Don't some men prefer blondes? Don't some women prefer tall men? Are these things inherently wrong or discriminatory?

I will say this to you: don't assume that a black family will tell you their true feelings on your IR union. Family is very important to me and I'd never say something that would risk alienating my son. His white wife would never know I had these feelings and all of my interactions with her would have her believing that she is truly accepted and welcomed into the family. At that point, what's done is done, so no used crying over spilled milk.

I do not have a preference honestly, so I cannot get in touch with that at all. I like who I like and there has been no rhyme or reason to it what-so-ever in my dating life, but I can understand people will have their preferences.

While your bolded statement may be true, I am gonna continue my belief that not everyone thinks like you and hope I could be truly accepted by a family outside of my race

I feel for you future daughter in law, I don't think you will hide your resentment as well as you think.

[Anonymous]

AA here. My AA male cousin has a white girl pregnant and they plan to marry soon. When my family heard the news they consoled my Aunt the way they did my mom when it was discovered my brother had an addiction. Heartbroken for them as mothers but as family we pull together and help in any way we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the black women posting about their sons not marrying white women: your racism and shoulder chips are the only reason I'd be concerned for my daughter to marry a black man. Do you not see you are the very root of the problem?!

No racism and no "shoulder chips". Why is the "chip on the shoulder" thing the default when race is discussed in a way that makes you uncomfortable?

It's not my default argument at all, it's just what I sensed when I was reading those posts. Full of hate and bad attitude like every white person in the world is out to get you. I'm not uncomfortable either, just annoyed at the blatant racism. The same racism that's been pounded into my head and thereby pounding into my children's heads, as so completely wrong!

Ah....you're playing even more of the same stereotypical cards:

-chip on the shoulder
-bad attitude
-self-victimization

Could you be any more transparent? One thing that I've found to be absolutely true is that when white people get pissed when discussing race they almost always resort to saying things that are prejudiced because they are butt hurt.

You know what, in listening to black women's responses and am taking them to heart and learning from them. Have you ever just sat down and asked yourself If you DO come off as those things you're calling canned responses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I answered "no" after reading "would you be okay with your daughter dating."

I never even had to read the rest. Immaterial.

Signed,

A Dad Against Daughters Dating.

Hah!

[Anonymous]

Ok so you AA moms would rather have Shaquanda (yeah I said it) from the projects who is AA for your son rather than an educated white woman? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

Are these the two choices we have as mother of black boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Are these the two choices we have as mother of black boys?

Yes apparently it is per your posts. I haven't seen one post about them dating educated black women just NOT WHITE WOMEN.

And another thing....it's not your freaking choice!

[Anonymous]

PP who married AA man who is my best friend, who i love with all my heart and who I am not going to apologize for. I totally hear everything AA moms are saying, and if i werent in an interracial family, I'd probably be sympathetic with your point of view. However, when it's YOUR family, your relationship, your husband it stops being a conversation about race, rather it feels like a personal attack on the makeup of your family. And BTW, My family talks about EVERYTHING, including our prejudices and the role we play in racism in this country. So stop saying that they dont accept my husband, who you dont know, or that im naive to this. I agree that a lot of people do have prejudices that would surface if their son or daughter dated outside of their race, (as evidenced by this thread) but many dont, or do and work through it-we're all capable of evolving and becoming more self-aware. Also, my husband never dated exclusively white women, I think that's just narrow-minded. And I have biracial children now, so I'm sensitive to the issues they may face as people of color in this world. And I didn't marry or procreate out of guilt. I have plenty of bias and things to feel guilty about, but that's not one of them. And to those who don't want their sons or daughters dating outside of their own race, for reasons beyond preserving religion or culture, I feel sorry for you because you are creating barriers and limits when you should be promoting growth and openness for your children. I'm kind of sorry I got sucked into this conversation, because it's so complicated and hard to delve into on an anonymous thread like this. All I reallt wanted was information on potty-training. But here I am, frustrated and no closer to getting my baby on the pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so you AA moms would rather have Shaquanda (yeah I said it) from the projects who is AA for your son rather than an educated white woman? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Wow...you sound really ignorant and defensive. Again, you prove that white people hit below the belt when they are insulted.

BTW, while you used it as an insult, I find nothing wrong with the name Shaquanda...not seeing how "Becky" is a better name.

Another BTW, I was born and raised in the projects of DC. I'm a college grad and am comfortably middle-class. So, yes, a young woman raised in the projects is not an automatic problem for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Are these the two choices we have as mother of black boys?

Yes apparently it is per your posts. I haven't seen one post about them dating educated black women just NOT WHITE WOMEN.

And another thing....it's not your freaking choice!

Not pp, but I didn't realize that the automatic default for a black woman for my son is an uneducated one. How...interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who married AA man who is my best friend, who i love with all my heart and who I am not going to apologize for. I totally hear everything AA moms are saying, and if i werent in an interracial family, I'd probably be sympathetic with your point of view. However, when it's YOUR family, your relationship, your husband it stops being a conversation about race, rather it feels like a personal attack on the makeup of your family. And BTW, My family talks about EVERYTHING, including our prejudices and the role we play in racism in this country. So stop saying that they dont accept my husband, who you dont know, or that im naive to this. I agree that a lot of people do have prejudices that would surface if their son or daughter dated outside of their race, (as evidenced by this thread) but many dont, or do and work through it-we're all capable of evolving and becoming more self-aware. Also, my husband never dated exclusively white women, I think that's just narrow-minded. And I have biracial children now, so I'm sensitive to the issues they may face as people of color in this world. And I didn't marry or procreate out of guilt. I have plenty of bias and things to feel guilty about, but that's not one of them. And to those who don't want their sons or daughters dating outside of their own race, for reasons beyond preserving religion or culture, I feel sorry for you because you are creating barriers and limits when you should be promoting growth and openness for your children. I'm kind of sorry I got sucked into this conversation, because it's so complicated and hard to delve into on an anonymous thread like this. All I reallt wanted was information on potty-training. But here I am, frustrated and no closer to getting my baby on the pot.

You don't need to apologize for marrying a black man. But understand, they we also don't owe you an explanation about what we'd want for our own sons. You say you respect those who want to preserve their religion and their culture...well, that has a lot to do with why I want my son to marry a black woman.

I don't think a white mother is properly equipped with the tools to raise children of color in America, but that's not my problem to tackle and hopefully your husband will do his job in making sure they understand the complexities of growing up biracial in America (not this colorblind crap). While you may be sensitive to the issues that black people face, you are not black, so you can never truly understand it. And that's okay, but to be outraged for the very thing you don't understand...well, that's just screwy.

Again, I find it interesting that the main offense taken on this thread is when black people "reject" whites. Instant outrage and "how dare you's".

[Anonymous]

I for one don't feel outrage. I feel pity. To automatically exclude 75% or so of the population from the acceptable dating pool is just sad. But I understand it's legacy of slavery. Not much to do about it but hope our kids' generation is smarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Are these the two choices we have as mother of black boys?

Yes apparently it is per your posts. I haven't seen one post about them dating educated black women just NOT WHITE WOMEN.

And another thing....it's not your freaking choice!

Not pp, but I didn't realize that the automatic default for a black woman for my son is an uneducated one. How...interesting.

Yes it is interesting that out of 15 pages now I don't think one AA mom posted about her son marrying an educated black woman. She just has to be black. Very interesting.