Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adults who casually implode long-term family systems because they feel internally dissatisfied should be judged more critically, regardless of gender.

Also the “women initiate 75% of divorces” stat gets thrown around constantly with zero nuance. Filing paperwork is not the same thing as causing the breakdown of a marriage. A woman formally initiating a divorce after years of neglect, cheating, emotional abandonment, addiction, untreated mental health issues, refusal to participate in family life, rage, stonewalling, or chronic selfishness does not magically mean she is the primary destroyer of the family.

And yes, women absolutely can do this too. A mother abandoning her family to chase ego validation and novelty is also destructive. I would judge that too. The point is not “men bad.” The point is that adults have responsibilities to the people whose lives are intertwined with theirs.

What I find disturbing is how many people now treat marriage and children as if they’re reversible lifestyle accessories instead of profound moral obligations.

And no, I don’t agree that “nobody cares.” Maybe random acquaintances don’t. But spouses care. Children care. Adult children care. Grandchildren care. Family systems care. These decisions echo for decades in ways that are often invisible from the outside.

You can absolutely end a marriage ethically when it truly needs to end. But a lot of people are not ending marriages because they exhausted every avenue for repair. They’re ending them because modern culture increasingly tells adults that any sustained discomfort, boredom, loss of excitement, aging, sacrifice, or emotional dissatisfaction means they should go reinvent themselves.

+1

Well said

And yes I know long term people in my life ( a HS coach), who cheated on his wife and kids of 20 years, then remarried the AP. Sure we might hang out and catch up, but we all lost respect for him. You basically know he’s the type to always pick himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

Ok troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that ever happens the way you described it. This is a failed marriage and she is trying to say she had no idea that everything wasn't blissful? That it never took a turn at some point and didn't recover? Sorry, I'm not buying it. It's mostly women who tell these stories about being the perfect wife and then, out of the blue, they are blindsided like this. Got traded in for a younger woman by the evil husband. Absolutely no fault of her own that the marriage fell apart. No other possible explanation except for him chasing that young one out of pure selfishness with no regard for his wife and family. Yeah, riggghhht!

Thx for playing Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aww….this IS sad.
But regarding love - - ❤️ EVERYONE who falls in love w/someone always is taking a huge risk.

Because like many things in life >> there are no warranties or guarantees whatsoever.

It boils down to pure luck.

Cool to know parenting your own kids is optional as well! Depends on the feels.

Did your spouse adore you so you could pull your own weight or is divorce better for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you hate men so much?
Women initiate 75% of divorces in the US. They are the ones who decide to break up families.

Are women “breaking up families,” or are women finally financially and legally able to leave marriages that are abusive, exploitative, emotionally dead, chronically unequal, or fundamentally built around the woman overfunctioning while the man coasts?

Also, a lot of men never formally leave. They just slowly disengage for years. They become emotionally absent, avoidant, selfish, rageful, addicted, checked out, or dead weight while the wife keeps dragging the entire family system forward until she finally collapses and files.

The divorce papers are often just the paperwork version of a marriage that already died years earlier.

Exactly. When women divorce, it’s the man’s fault. When men divorce, it’s the man’s fault.

Why is that so hard to understand, especially here of all places?

I mean, when you suddenly leave your wife and 3 kids for a 17 yrs younger colleague, that kind of is your fault, no?

Just a head start on the lauded gray divorce, no?

No, it’s not.

Sometimes “staying together for the kids” becomes intolerable

[Anonymous]

She needs to lawyer-up and take him for as much money as possible. All while being quiet about it. And remain quiet about it.

This. She should try not to express a lot of emotion. "Drama free", as he said. Stress free. He can be the one to struggle to not get emotional -- as he realizes the profound changes to his financial circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She needs to lawyer-up and take him for as much money as possible. All while being quiet about it. And remain quiet about it.

This. She should try not to express a lot of emotion. "Drama free", as he said. Stress free. He can be the one to struggle to not get emotional -- as he realizes the profound changes to his financial circumstance.

I mean, they’re both lawyers, likely joint custody- it will be a financial hit to the both of them, but likely not asymmetrically so.

[Anonymous]

Anecdata sample of 1 but my ex left the day I told him I knew he was having an affair. Was I "blindsided"? Not at all. At least in terms of his banging other women.

What blindsided me was the ensuing war he launched against me. I requested mediation and no drama. He insisted on litigation and some weird vengeance. It's still going 18 months later. He has refused any of my offers to settle even though I am the defendant. He dragged our kids into it and tells them everything. He insists on going to trial, which is insane because Bill Gates he is not. I believe their divorce was settled more quickly than mine.

It's really hard to go through the legal system with a person who wants to extract blood. It seems pretty clear the only way he is able to justify his behavior is to cast me as the evil ex. We did sworn depositions last week. It didn't go well for him. I don't think he has considered that eventually his actions were going to catch up with him. I have moved on, done lots of therapy, don't hate him, and I absolutely see my part in the unraveling of the marriage. There are times I feel sorry for him that he is so consumed by anger. He's never done any work on himself so I'm guessing he can't begin to see why he is so angry, but that's his problem not mine.

I'm hoping after his disastrous deposition he may finally agree to settle this and move on with his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you’re in the area, I think I know who you’re talking about. You didn’t do such a good job with changing the details. I would ask for this thread to be deleted.

Why? What harm would come from this discussion? seems generic enough to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults who casually implode long-term family systems because they feel internally dissatisfied should be judged more critically, regardless of gender.

Also the “women initiate 75% of divorces” stat gets thrown around constantly with zero nuance. Filing paperwork is not the same thing as causing the breakdown of a marriage. A woman formally initiating a divorce after years of neglect, cheating, emotional abandonment, addiction, untreated mental health issues, refusal to participate in family life, rage, stonewalling, or chronic selfishness does not magically mean she is the primary destroyer of the family.

And yes, women absolutely can do this too. A mother abandoning her family to chase ego validation and novelty is also destructive. I would judge that too. The point is not “men bad.” The point is that adults have responsibilities to the people whose lives are intertwined with theirs.

What I find disturbing is how many people now treat marriage and children as if they’re reversible lifestyle accessories instead of profound moral obligations.

And no, I don’t agree that “nobody cares.” Maybe random acquaintances don’t. But spouses care. Children care. Adult children care. Grandchildren care. Family systems care. These decisions echo for decades in ways that are often invisible from the outside.

You can absolutely end a marriage ethically when it truly needs to end. But a lot of people are not ending marriages because they exhausted every avenue for repair. They’re ending them because modern culture increasingly tells adults that any sustained discomfort, boredom, loss of excitement, aging, sacrifice, or emotional dissatisfaction means they should go reinvent themselves.

+1

Well said

And yes I know long term people in my life ( a HS coach), who cheated on his wife and kids of 20 years, then remarried the AP. Sure we might hang out and catch up, but we all lost respect for him. You basically know he’s the type to always pick himself.

6:39 a poster here - this makes me feel so much better. I am not hesitating to tell people that he is having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time

I am sorry for your pain, and that if your children. I admire your values though. And you can take solace in the fact that you have grown as a human as you aged. Your husband seems stuck (or clinging to) the young adult experience. That is not winning at life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time

I am sorry for your pain, and that if your children. I admire your values though. And you can take solace in the fact that you have grown as a human as you aged. Your husband seems stuck (or clinging to) the young adult experience. That is not winning at life.

Thanks. I'm incredibly disappointed with him. Major midlife crisis. There were ways to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anecdata sample of 1 but my ex left the day I told him I knew he was having an affair. Was I "blindsided"? Not at all. At least in terms of his banging other women.

What blindsided me was the ensuing war he launched against me. I requested mediation and no drama. He insisted on litigation and some weird vengeance. It's still going 18 months later. He has refused any of my offers to settle even though I am the defendant. He dragged our kids into it and tells them everything. He insists on going to trial, which is insane because Bill Gates he is not. I believe their divorce was settled more quickly than mine.

It's really hard to go through the legal system with a person who wants to extract blood. It seems pretty clear the only way he is able to justify his behavior is to cast me as the evil ex. We did sworn depositions last week. It didn't go well for him. I don't think he has considered that eventually his actions were going to catch up with him. I have moved on, done lots of therapy, don't hate him, and I absolutely see my part in the unraveling of the marriage. There are times I feel sorry for him that he is so consumed by anger. He's never done any work on himself so I'm guessing he can't begin to see why he is so angry, but that's his problem not mine.

I'm hoping after his disastrous deposition he may finally agree to settle this and move on with his life.

If he’s with his AP then why is he dragging out the divorce? Looks like you’re well rid of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time

I went through this a few years ago. I'm so sorry. The shock was like nothing I had ever experienced. And my mind was blown by these very same things. It bore no resemblance to the person I'd been married to for 2+ decades. The revisionist history was soul crushing. Because it's anonymous, I'll admit that I initially thought he would come to his senses and realize that his actions were completely crazy and that our marriage might not have been perfect, because none are, but there wasn't anything that was insurmountable. He never looked back. I remain heartbroken for me and for our kids. The fury and bewilderment has mostly faded, but I am still profoundly sad. I miss the person I married every day, but the person he is now is a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time

I went through this a few years ago. I'm so sorry. The shock was like nothing I had ever experienced. And my mind was blown by these very same things. It bore no resemblance to the person I'd been married to for 2+ decades. The revisionist history was soul crushing. Because it's anonymous, I'll admit that I initially thought he would come to his senses and realize that his actions were completely crazy and that our marriage might not have been perfect, because none are, but there wasn't anything that was insurmountable. He never looked back. I remain heartbroken for me and for our kids. The fury and bewilderment has mostly faded, but I am still profoundly sad. I miss the person I married every day, but the person he is now is a stranger.

Yeah, I'm still thinking that he will come to his senses. Our marriage was totally fixable. I realize I am probably delusional about him though.