Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She needs to lawyer-up and take him for as much money as possible. All while being quiet about it. And remain quiet about it.

This. She should try not to express a lot of emotion. "Drama free", as he said. Stress free. He can be the one to struggle to not get emotional -- as he realizes the profound changes to his financial circumstance.

Narcissists like him never see the terrible effects they have on others or their own children. And if anything is brought to their attention, they lie and blame others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time

I went through this a few years ago. I'm so sorry. The shock was like nothing I had ever experienced. And my mind was blown by these very same things. It bore no resemblance to the person I'd been married to for 2+ decades. The revisionist history was soul crushing. Because it's anonymous, I'll admit that I initially thought he would come to his senses and realize that his actions were completely crazy and that our marriage might not have been perfect, because none are, but there wasn't anything that was insurmountable. He never looked back. I remain heartbroken for me and for our kids. The fury and bewilderment has mostly faded, but I am still profoundly sad. I miss the person I married every day, but the person he is now is a stranger.

Yeah, I'm still thinking that he will come to his senses. Our marriage was totally fixable. I realize I am probably delusional about him though.

Yeah no. He wasn’t hemming and hawing when he decided to punch out and he’s not re-examining anything now or in the future.

Cheaters and deadweights never / rarely do that.

[Anonymous]

You almost have to think this way: he died. It's incredibly sad. You mourn like it was a death. Consider him dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time

I went through this a few years ago. I'm so sorry. The shock was like nothing I had ever experienced. And my mind was blown by these very same things. It bore no resemblance to the person I'd been married to for 2+ decades. The revisionist history was soul crushing. Because it's anonymous, I'll admit that I initially thought he would come to his senses and realize that his actions were completely crazy and that our marriage might not have been perfect, because none are, but there wasn't anything that was insurmountable. He never looked back. I remain heartbroken for me and for our kids. The fury and bewilderment has mostly faded, but I am still profoundly sad. I miss the person I married every day, but the person he is now is a stranger.

Yeah, I'm still thinking that he will come to his senses. Our marriage was totally fixable. I realize I am probably delusional about him though.

Yeah, same. I get it. It threw me into my own existential crisis beyond "just" the divorce, because I didn't know how I couldn't have seen it coming, and how was I married to someone who was capable of that level of cruelty and selfishness and on and on. I think of myself as a decently intelligent person and I had no effing clue. Most days, I am to the point where I know that it is better that he didn't come back. I hope you're able to get things finalized with as little drama as possible and that you and your kids have good therapists and a support system. It's the hardest thing I've been through.

[Anonymous]

Np, it's eery how similar so many of our stories are. I also had a multi-decade marriage and a husband who just left in a midlife crisis. He too is now a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anecdata sample of 1 but my ex left the day I told him I knew he was having an affair. Was I "blindsided"? Not at all. At least in terms of his banging other women.

What blindsided me was the ensuing war he launched against me. I requested mediation and no drama. He insisted on litigation and some weird vengeance. It's still going 18 months later. He has refused any of my offers to settle even though I am the defendant. He dragged our kids into it and tells them everything. He insists on going to trial, which is insane because Bill Gates he is not. I believe their divorce was settled more quickly than mine.

It's really hard to go through the legal system with a person who wants to extract blood. It seems pretty clear the only way he is able to justify his behavior is to cast me as the evil ex. We did sworn depositions last week. It didn't go well for him. I don't think he has considered that eventually his actions were going to catch up with him. I have moved on, done lots of therapy, don't hate him, and I absolutely see my part in the unraveling of the marriage. There are times I feel sorry for him that he is so consumed by anger. He's never done any work on himself so I'm guessing he can't begin to see why he is so angry, but that's his problem not mine.

I'm hoping after his disastrous deposition he may finally agree to settle this and move on with his life.

I would love to know as well! I assume it is helpful to him to put up a fight for the reason I said - his behavior has been so shameful that the only way I believe he can justify it to himself is to portray me as a monster. In truth I'm only a little bit monstrous.... Once he insisted on litigating, no matter how many people including his friends begged him not to, I had no choice. The legal fees have been staggering. It's sad. I think it infuriates him that I didn't lean into the role of the jilted wife. I picked myself up and got my $hit together and refused to play dirty. I treat the divorce as "this thing I have to deal with when I have to deal with it" and otherwise carry on with my life grateful in a million ways that he pulled the plug on a terrible relationship. I wish I had had the guts to do it myself but I wouldn't have used another person as an excuse to leave. I was in the thinking about it stage when he left so perhaps that's why this hasn't devastated me. But I'm really sorry for how it has played out with our kids, and I know I bear some responsibility for that even if I don't talk to them about any of this, ever. I let them grow up in a family with parents who barely tolerated each other. No bueno.
If he’s with his AP then why is he dragging out the divorce? Looks like you’re well rid of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yeah, I'm still thinking that he will come to his senses. Our marriage was totally fixable. I realize I am probably delusional about him though.

I'm also stuck on this. I don't know how to get past it. The hope that he will wake up and be the person I knew before and come back to our family.

[Anonymous]

Just goes to show you, how well does someone ever really know another human being?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yeah, I'm still thinking that he will come to his senses. Our marriage was totally fixable. I realize I am probably delusional about him though.

I'm also stuck on this. I don't know how to get past it. The hope that he will wake up and be the person I knew before and come back to our family.

Or when he starts a new family with the AP who is 17 years younger and we'll assume wants her own kids, he'll get his just deserts. Can you imagine starting all over with babies, then toddlers, then redoing the teen years in your 60s (or later)? No. What a mess he's creating for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She really shouldn’t be in deep depression. There’s no point. Move on and find another man.

Yeah, men are line up for mid 50s women with 60 hour work week careers and three daughters on the cusp of HS and college...

Did you even think about what you stated before you barfed it onto our screens?

What a mean response. How despicable.

Marriages end, but what a corrosive POV to have for a woman who, what? Didn’t die at 45, had 3 kids, kept her career going, didn’t cheat. It takes a degree of soullessness or having a personality disorder to move like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yeah, I'm still thinking that he will come to his senses. Our marriage was totally fixable. I realize I am probably delusional about him though.

I'm also stuck on this. I don't know how to get past it. The hope that he will wake up and be the person I knew before and come back to our family.

Or when he starts a new family with the AP who is 17 years younger and we'll assume wants her own kids, he'll get his just desserts. Can you imagine starting all over with babies, then toddlers, then redoing the teen years in your 60s (or later)? No. What a mess he's creating for himself.

Mine did that. I laughed in his face when he told me. Our last kid was graduating high school right around the time his wife was having their first kid. My nest was emptying. His will never be empty in his lifetime. I’ll be retired by 57. He’ll be a t-ball. Different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

Those who want him to come to his senses . . .

I get it, that's the bargaining. It sucks to have your life so unilaterally changed by the person who was supposed to have your back.

You can drive yourself crazy asking if he can't do better, or won't do better. But ultimately it doesn't matter. The end result is the same. He bombed your marriage and there's nothing to salvage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I mean, that doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. Clearly there were cracks.

I know someone whose husband did the same thing but after the initial shock wore off I realized I wasn't actually that surprised - their marriage wasn't that great.

I'm sorry for your friend, that sounds awful, but if I had to list the people I'd expect something like this to happen to, it's all the ones where their marriages aren't very strong. Now, if it happened to some of my friends I would be jaw-on-the-floor shocked. But others? Sad, of course, but not all that surprised.

I think only a minority of people have GREAT marriages. Do you disagree PP?

DP. I made this observation to my friend recently. I think our current exposure to so much information is making people increasingly unsatisfied with marriages that would have been fine in any other point in human history.

I am single, and a senior citizen.

Over my lifetime it was far more common for me to leave a married couple grateful for my unmarried status, than it was for me to come away thinking how lucky a wife was to have the man she had married.

Because of how YOU felt about the man or because of how SHE felt? I couldn't care less if you don't want to be married to my husband, but I am happily so. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but while some of my friends are married to men I wouldn't want to be married to, very few of them make me wish I were single.

Maybe because you do not know what you are missing?

I'm missing...being alone? That's a weird take. I love being married to my husband. That's fine if it isn't for you, but not all married people are miserable. I think you're seeing what you want to see with your friends.

[Anonymous]

What OP forgets is that the spouse, being so successful, has earned the right to move on from the starter marriage. If spouse is 52 and can pull a hotter 35-year-old woman, good on him. He’s putting in a ton of hard work over the years, and should be able to capitalize on his good fortune.

[Anonymous]

hope that he will wake up and be the person I knew before and come back to our family.

Op, you do a disservice to your kids with this thinking. Lawyer-up and get the best settlement you can. Stop being a wimp. They need you to toughen up.