Reply to Blindsided

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Blindsided"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this. [/quote]

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time :)[/quote]

I went through this a few years ago.  I'm so sorry.  The shock was like nothing I had ever experienced.  And my mind was blown by these very same things.  It bore no resemblance to the person I'd been married to for 2+ decades.  The revisionist history was soul crushing.  Because it's anonymous, I'll admit that I initially thought he would come to his senses and realize that his actions were completely crazy and that our marriage might not have been perfect, because none are, but there wasn't anything that was insurmountable.  He never looked back.  I remain heartbroken for me and for our kids.  The fury and bewilderment has mostly faded, but I am still profoundly sad.  I miss the person I married every day, but the person he is now is a stranger.[/quote]

Yeah, I'm still thinking that he will come to his senses. Our marriage was totally fixable. I realize I am probably delusional about him though.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics