Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all the money goes to the leeching elders on your side? And your wife’s debts get ignored? Great family values.

Yep…OP is TA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There's something off with you. This is not how normal people think or talk.

That much is clear. I suspect OP is high-functioning autistic and just does not understand how other people can live by different values.

OP should pay his fair share of expenses when he spends time with in-laws. If the suggested trips are too expensive, OP can politely decline and tell them they're too expensive. The whole "my parents are subsidizing my in-laws" premise doesn't hold up. OP's family rules apply only when OP is interacting with his own family. When he's interacting with the outside world (including in-laws), he needs to pay his own way. Personally, this is easy for me to understand. I don't know why OP has such a hard time with it, but that's why I suspect he's on the spectrum - he's displaying a highly recognizable rigid mentality that is associated with autism.

The thing about arguments by people on the spectrum is that they are usually logical and rational. OP's family is in effect subsidizing his rich in-laws if OP has to pay back his nonworking wife's student loan, especially if OP is relying on family money to live during his residency, which it kind of sounds like may be the case. Now, he has already shut down the "loan" repayment nonsense, and rightfully so.

OP is all about subsidizing people, he calls it "paying forward" but it's so odd how these terribly rich, successful, prosperous people need so much help. It's like a hoarding mentality. They are terrified they will be poor again.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure FIL is serious? I cannot imagine some dad in his 60s-70s truly wanting his daughter to pay him back when that money could help her own family. My dad would be mortified at the idea, and we are middle class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

Meh, I bet you’re intimidated by him. He’s probably put you in your place a few times, and you’re feeling bitter and resentful. Plus it’s your wife’s father and we women always have a soft spot for our dads. It may be hard for you to measure up! You aren’t a self made man and that’s got to be emasculating to a certain degree. Weather you admit it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t make you pay for anyone but yourselves it seems like. Not sure how this is an issue.

I don't get why you are upset. Are you just looking for a hand out and are mad he's not doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There's something off with you. This is not how normal people think or talk.

That much is clear. I suspect OP is high-functioning autistic and just does not understand how other people can live by different values.

OP should pay his fair share of expenses when he spends time with in-laws. If the suggested trips are too expensive, OP can politely decline and tell them they're too expensive. The whole "my parents are subsidizing my in-laws" premise doesn't hold up. OP's family rules apply only when OP is interacting with his own family. When he's interacting with the outside world (including in-laws), he needs to pay his own way. Personally, this is easy for me to understand. I don't know why OP has such a hard time with it, but that's why I suspect he's on the spectrum - he's displaying a highly recognizable rigid mentality that is associated with autism.

The thing about arguments by people on the spectrum is that they are usually logical and rational. OP's family is in effect subsidizing his rich in-laws if OP has to pay back his nonworking wife's student loan, especially if OP is relying on family money to live during his residency, which it kind of sounds like may be the case. Now, he has already shut down the "loan" repayment nonsense, and rightfully so.

OP is all about subsidizing people, he calls it "paying forward" but it's so odd how these terribly rich, successful, prosperous people need so much help. It's like a hoarding mentality. They are terrified they will be poor again.

Aren't we all terrified to be poor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There's something off with you. This is not how normal people think or talk.

That much is clear. I suspect OP is high-functioning autistic and just does not understand how other people can live by different values.

OP should pay his fair share of expenses when he spends time with in-laws. If the suggested trips are too expensive, OP can politely decline and tell them they're too expensive. The whole "my parents are subsidizing my in-laws" premise doesn't hold up. OP's family rules apply only when OP is interacting with his own family. When he's interacting with the outside world (including in-laws), he needs to pay his own way. Personally, this is easy for me to understand. I don't know why OP has such a hard time with it, but that's why I suspect he's on the spectrum - he's displaying a highly recognizable rigid mentality that is associated with autism.

The thing about arguments by people on the spectrum is that they are usually logical and rational. OP's family is in effect subsidizing his rich in-laws if OP has to pay back his nonworking wife's student loan, especially if OP is relying on family money to live during his residency, which it kind of sounds like may be the case. Now, he has already shut down the "loan" repayment nonsense, and rightfully so.

PP you replied to. The loan thing was ridic, so I agree that he was right to put his foot down. But for current expenses, I think his FIL is right to not pay for the entire family group when they go on vacation. OP shouldn't complain about having to pay for his share of restaurant meals and hotel rooms and such.

Agree. Maybe OP thought he was gold-digging, and only learned after marriage that the FIL is not interested in sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There's something off with you. This is not how normal people think or talk.

That much is clear. I suspect OP is high-functioning autistic and just does not understand how other people can live by different values.

OP should pay his fair share of expenses when he spends time with in-laws. If the suggested trips are too expensive, OP can politely decline and tell them they're too expensive. The whole "my parents are subsidizing my in-laws" premise doesn't hold up. OP's family rules apply only when OP is interacting with his own family. When he's interacting with the outside world (including in-laws), he needs to pay his own way. Personally, this is easy for me to understand. I don't know why OP has such a hard time with it, but that's why I suspect he's on the spectrum - he's displaying a highly recognizable rigid mentality that is associated with autism.

The thing about arguments by people on the spectrum is that they are usually logical and rational. OP's family is in effect subsidizing his rich in-laws if OP has to pay back his nonworking wife's student loan, especially if OP is relying on family money to live during his residency, which it kind of sounds like may be the case. Now, he has already shut down the "loan" repayment nonsense, and rightfully so.

PP you replied to. The loan thing was ridic, so I agree that he was right to put his foot down. But for current expenses, I think his FIL is right to not pay for the entire family group when they go on vacation. OP shouldn't complain about having to pay for his share of restaurant meals and hotel rooms and such.

Agree. Maybe OP thought he was gold-digging, and only learned after marriage that the FIL is not interested in sharing.

You know the only reason OP is even allowing his wife to go on vacation with her family that he has to actually pay for is so she doesn’t get written out of the will. Otherwise he would “put a stop to that” right away since he apparently controls all decisions that require money.

Fingers crossed the FIL is setting up a nice air tight trust for the wife and future grandchildren only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There's something off with you. This is not how normal people think or talk.

That much is clear. I suspect OP is high-functioning autistic and just does not understand how other people can live by different values.

OP should pay his fair share of expenses when he spends time with in-laws. If the suggested trips are too expensive, OP can politely decline and tell them they're too expensive. The whole "my parents are subsidizing my in-laws" premise doesn't hold up. OP's family rules apply only when OP is interacting with his own family. When he's interacting with the outside world (including in-laws), he needs to pay his own way. Personally, this is easy for me to understand. I don't know why OP has such a hard time with it, but that's why I suspect he's on the spectrum - he's displaying a highly recognizable rigid mentality that is associated with autism.

The thing about arguments by people on the spectrum is that they are usually logical and rational. OP's family is in effect subsidizing his rich in-laws if OP has to pay back his nonworking wife's student loan, especially if OP is relying on family money to live during his residency, which it kind of sounds like may be the case. Now, he has already shut down the "loan" repayment nonsense, and rightfully so.

OP is all about subsidizing people, he calls it "paying forward" but it's so odd how these terribly rich, successful, prosperous people need so much help. It's like a hoarding mentality. They are terrified they will be poor again.

Aren't we all terrified to be poor?

Not as much as the family of doctors who within a generation or two think they are Vanderbilts or Morgans, titans of industry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wealthy and entitled.

OP here. I disagree, entitlement has a connotation of taking without wanting to reciprocate. I always help my family without question. My FIL would like to take from me/my family and not give back. From my view he is the entitled one.

Good Lord.

Stop acting like an immature child and stop looking down on your in-laws. Accept that they view and handle money differently and grow a spine and communicate your boundaries. The loan thing was for your wife to work out with her father.

If the vacations you're invited on are too expensive, speak up!

If you feel baited and switched at dinner, speak up!

Adults accept that other adults get to spend their money how they choose and maturity means accepting their choices and making you own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wealthy and entitled.

OP here. I disagree, entitlement has a connotation of taking without wanting to reciprocate. I always help my family without question. My FIL would like to take from me/my family and not give back. From my view he is the entitled one.

Good Lord.

Stop acting like an immature child and stop looking down on your in-laws. Accept that they view and handle money differently and grow a spine and communicate your boundaries. The loan thing was for your wife to work out with her father.

If the vacations you're invited on are too expensive, speak up!

If you feel baited and switched at dinner, speak up!

Adults accept that other adults get to spend their money how they choose and maturity means accepting their choices and making you own.

This +++

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

OP, you might want to stop talking. Every time you post a reply I like you less. You are a snob.

A money obsessed boor. Nobody likes people like that.

The irony of this thread is that is how the OP views the FIL, who he detests for being stingy and crass. Two peas from the same pod if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe how many people agree with OP about repaying the loan to his FIL. OP’s wife made that arrangement with her parents and should repay it on principle.

Also for the posters saying how there are no legal documents about the loan, do all of you actually draw up legal papers if you’ve loaned money to your own children? Most people don’t and it’s expected to be repaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

OP, you might want to stop talking. Every time you post a reply I like you less. You are a snob.

A money obsessed boor. Nobody likes people like that.

The irony of this thread is that is how the OP views the FIL, who he detests for being stingy and crass. Two peas from the same pod if you ask me.

FIL is older and wiser and is certainly goading OP. He has his number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people agree with OP about repaying the loan to his FIL. OP’s wife made that arrangement with her parents and should repay it on principle.

Also for the posters saying how there are no legal documents about the loan, do all of you actually draw up legal papers if you’ve loaned money to your own children? Most people don’t and it’s expected to be repaid.

Of course we draw up legal papers. If you don’t then it is not actually a loan. It is a way to control through money.