How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't get mad, get everything- Ivanka Trump

And she ended up dead (killed??) the day before she was to be deposed and buried in an untended plot on a golf course…

Well, she also withdrew her claim that he raped her when they were married…I believe because he paid her hush money. But the claim was in her original divorce filing.

So we might all be in better off she did had not prioritized a payout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Dating is much easier for men in their fifties than it is for women. Women in their fifties are invisible.

How is dating for men in their sixties? Is that their invisibility threshold?

Based on the number of dads at our private who are in their early or mid 60s with preschoolers, I don’t think 60 magically closes a door for men unless the are poor.

That just means that they could buy a certain type of spouse.

It does not mean they found love, or a mother for their children who has sound values.

Bra size does not correlate with quality.

+1000

The dad I know in his mid-50's who is dating a 29-year old (who wants kids) will be broke from his divorce once it's over and will still have children from his first marriage he will need to provide for. But his girlfriend is dumb and desperate so there you go.

See Melania for an example of the warmth and devotion those men can expect from their trophy wives when they are old and frail.

😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Dating is much easier for men in their fifties than it is for women. Women in their fifties are invisible.

How is dating for men in their sixties? Is that their invisibility threshold?

Based on the number of dads at our private who are in their early or mid 60s with preschoolers, I don’t think 60 magically closes a door for men unless the are poor.

That just means that they could buy a certain type of spouse.

It does not mean they found love, or a mother for their children who has sound values.

Bra size does not correlate with quality.

+1000

The dad I know in his mid-50's who is dating a 29-year old (who wants kids) will be broke from his divorce once it's over and will still have children from his first marriage he will need to provide for. But his girlfriend is dumb and desperate so there you go.

See Melania for an example of the warmth and devotion those men can expect from their trophy wives when they are old and frail.

😂

But you only get that level of 'warmth and devotion' if you're as rich and powerful as Donald Trump. Lesser (measured only by wealth and power) men get lesser warmth and devotion from their trophy wives.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

I wonder what her side of this touching tale might sound like.

It was different back then vs today. It’s really a sad story for everyone involved. She was depressed and unfulfilled, but didn’t want to admit it to me. I was to blame for her emotional state and since men’s desire for her gave her a momentary dopamine hit. She feels different today, but I have never healed because she would rather forget.

So you don’t know your wife and mother of your three kids is unfulfilled and depressed? Because she didn’t admit it to you?

Yikes.

For her sake I hope you divorce tomorrow.

I wasn’t a mind reader.

Nor a caring person.

Not being able to tell if your wife is unfulfilled and/or depressed actually escalates her depression and unfulfillment. And demonstrates your lack of empathy and care.

And then you got mad at her for how she handled her depression? And at how she didn’t make it up to you later or pass your various tests?

I got the feeling she cheated on him. And if the roles were reversed and HE was the one who cheated you wouldn't say it was remotely the wife's fault. I'm not backing this poster, but I think people are reading his posts incorrectly. Or maybe I am.

It’s the DCUM troll imposter so no matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Look, marriage is like nuclear launch — two people need to turn the keys. If he’s not happy, you’ll never be happy. And why spend your waning decades like that? You are avoiding years of taking care of an aging grouchy man — once thy hit 70, men start to decline fast and the woman almost always is the main caretaker and the target for their irritation at their own decline. You get a free pass from this! You can start looking at fun over 55 communities that will help you build new female friends.
So many cranky older couples that just carp at each other and make their adult children miserable. Don’t be that!

I totally agree with this. My dad declined first at 60, and at 70, he's just a grouchy old man who can barely walk up stairs. All the difficult parts of his personality are magnified by age. He would've done my mom a huge favor to get a divorce in his 50s, especially since he's super controlling with money. She could've had full access to half their assets, and she would've been free of caretaking obligations, which are just starting to come her way. I guess I'm glad he didn't leave back then, because he's still my mom's burden and not mine. I do really appreciate that.

$10 to Tuesday she still stays to protect you and your siblings from him and his demands.

Ask her.

This is not needed (I am a DP, child of a difficult parent whose spouse never left “out of guilt”). Children aren’t thankful, I can guarantee.

Well the set of cousin in laws I know, the parents divorced and the dad leeched on to his elderly mother. Then when she died he leached on to his son & the newlywed wife. Demanded to move in with them, calls all the time, carelessly damages their stuff, tries to get in their house all the time. Really stubborn selfish and codependent behavior.

[Anonymous]

Man, guys can't get a break. Tries to do the standup thing, so waits for the kids to be out of the house. Then waits till the kids are through college. Then waits for her to get through menopause. I mean, guy's been waiting for 30 years and leaving her with a stack of cash. What more does society want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alternatively Stud Dad, he did nothing to save the marriage, then more formally gave up and left. In true narc style, he’s doing it to find adoration, supply and happiness elsewhere!!

I love stud dad!

I tried for years until I came to the painful realization that she was not in love with me and she was no longer attracted to me. I don’t blame her, there had been times where I acted unlovable and unattractive, however nothing I did to alter my patterns of thought and behavior could salvage attraction. I’m not talking sexual attraction, if you have an imagination you can get through sex with anyone I’m talking about real attraction.
She would’ve been quite content with a parallel life, the erratic sex life, conversations no deeper than traffic and logistics, but the gut doesn’t lie, you can tell when someone doesn’t love you anymore. When they’re not interested in you as a person real human attraction is gone,I would bring up therapy, books, plan little getaways and nothing clicked. Exercises that the therapist gave us never happened more than twice, continually showing me that she was not interested.
Watching her act and play a part only to drop the character when the work of acting like she loved me became too hard became an intolerable roller coaster.
Then came the lies and betrayal, I even convinced myself that that it was just a symptom, she really loved me underneath, it was just unresolved father issues or anxiety or whatever thing I found to blame it on.

It took six years and thousands of hours for me to come to the realization that my wife no longer loved me and was not attracted to me, nothing I could do would change that.

I could have written something similar. Also an older middle aged man who initiated a grey divorce. There are many of us. And there are many women who want to meet us after we divorce.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

I wonder what her side of this touching tale might sound like.

It was different back then vs today. It’s really a sad story for everyone involved. She was depressed and unfulfilled, but didn’t want to admit it to me. I was to blame for her emotional state and since men’s desire for her gave her a momentary dopamine hit. She feels different today, but I have never healed because she would rather forget.

So you don’t know your wife and mother of your three kids is unfulfilled and depressed? Because she didn’t admit it to you?

Yikes.

For her sake I hope you divorce tomorrow.

I wasn’t a mind reader.

Nor a caring person.

Not being able to tell if your wife is unfulfilled and/or depressed actually escalates her depression and unfulfillment. And demonstrates your lack of empathy and care.

And then you got mad at her for how she handled her depression? And at how she didn’t make it up to you later or pass your various tests?

I got the feeling she cheated on him. And if the roles were reversed and HE was the one who cheated you wouldn't say it was remotely the wife's fault. I'm not backing this poster, but I think people are reading his posts incorrectly. Or maybe I am.

It’s the DCUM troll imposter so no matter.

I am definitely not an imposter, but I do spend enough time on bridges to count as a troll some days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, guys can't get a break. Tries to do the standup thing, so waits for the kids to be out of the house. Then waits till the kids are through college. Then waits for her to get through menopause. I mean, guy's been waiting for 30 years and leaving her with a stack of cash. What more does society want?

How much cash? For the right amount, you are forgiven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t forgive him. Make his life a living hell. He wasted 26 years of yours. He’s selfish and make sure to tell your kids that.

How is her life wasted? She had a marriage and kids and presumably maybe a job or hobbies or something. It’s not like a cake where if it gets burnt th whole thing is wasted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again/ he is a good dad 100%. Also a good person generally speaking, just self absorbed imo and wants a fantasy.

You need to go through your emotions, but ultimately you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be there. Go have your own fantasy!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s telling that you are refusing to accept his agency in your relationship…

What do you mean? I understand he needs to be happy but I’m still pissed since I sacrificied a lot.

Look up the meaning of "agency." You can't control his actions, thoughts or feelings.

Agency, like how for years he chose to do very little for the house, yard, kids and spouse? Got it.

DP. You had the agency to leave him then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Dating is much easier for men in their fifties than it is for women. Women in their fifties are invisible.

How is dating for men in their sixties? Is that their invisibility threshold?

Based on the number of dads at our private who are in their early or mid 60s with preschoolers, I don’t think 60 magically closes a door for men unless the are poor.

That just means that they could buy a certain type of spouse.

It does not mean they found love, or a mother for their children who has sound values.

Bra size does not correlate with quality.

+1000

The dad I know in his mid-50's who is dating a 29-year old (who wants kids) will be broke from his divorce once it's over and will still have children from his first marriage he will need to provide for. But his girlfriend is dumb and desperate so there you go.

See Melania for an example of the warmth and devotion those men can expect from their trophy wives when they are old and frail.

😂

But you only get that level of 'warmth and devotion' if you're as rich and powerful as Donald Trump. Lesser (measured only by wealth and power) men get lesser warmth and devotion from their trophy wives.

Is less even possible?

She clearly detests the guy. The disdain is written all over her face.

Barely lives with him. Allegedly insisted on improving the terms of her prenup before she would agree to move back into the White House.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Dating is much easier for men in their fifties than it is for women. Women in their fifties are invisible.

How is dating for men in their sixties? Is that their invisibility threshold?

Based on the number of dads at our private who are in their early or mid 60s with preschoolers, I don’t think 60 magically closes a door for men unless the are poor.

That just means that they could buy a certain type of spouse.

It does not mean they found love, or a mother for their children who has sound values.

Bra size does not correlate with quality.

+1000

The dad I know in his mid-50's who is dating a 29-year old (who wants kids) will be broke from his divorce once it's over and will still have children from his first marriage he will need to provide for. But his girlfriend is dumb and desperate so there you go.

See Melania for an example of the warmth and devotion those men can expect from their trophy wives when they are old and frail.

😂

But you only get that level of 'warmth and devotion' if you're as rich and powerful as Donald Trump. Lesser (measured only by wealth and power) men get lesser warmth and devotion from their trophy wives.

Is less even possible?

She clearly detests the guy. The disdain is written all over her face.

Barely lives with him. Allegedly insisted on improving the terms of her prenup before she would agree to move back into the White House.

At least she has some dignity.

And yes, even less warmth and more disdain is possible and that's what poorer men get.

[Anonymous]

OP - console yourself by a simple mere fact that he will never be happy. Not with you, not with the next person.

And nobody wants his trash on dating market. Women of substance and money date other men of substance and money

Signed divorced 40s woman