Reply to How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce? 
The answers to these questions  has implications for whether forgiveness is possible. [/quote]

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire. 
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart. [/quote]
Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up. [/quote]

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have? [/quote]

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married ! [/quote]

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.[/quote]

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy.  I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones. 
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me. 
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life. [/quote]

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex. [/quote]

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency.   Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

[/quote]
Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute. [/quote]

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades.   I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed.  My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road.   She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god.  Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage.  Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose.  Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.[/quote]
I wonder what her side of this touching tale might sound like. [/quote]

It was different back then vs today.   It’s really a sad story for everyone involved.  She was depressed and unfulfilled, but didn’t want to admit it to me.  I was to blame for her emotional state and since men’s desire for her gave her a momentary dopamine hit.   She feels different today, but I have never healed because she would rather forget.[/quote]

So you don’t know your wife and mother of your three kids is unfulfilled and depressed? Because she didn’t admit it to you?

Yikes.

For her sake I hope you divorce tomorrow.[/quote]

I wasn’t a mind reader.[/quote]

Nor a caring person.

Not being able to tell if your wife is unfulfilled and/or depressed actually escalates her depression and unfulfillment. And demonstrates your lack of empathy and care.

And then you got mad at her for how she handled her depression?  And at how she didn’t make it up to you later or pass your various tests? [/quote]

Yes, I have empathy and cared, but liars lie and cheaters cheat.   My life was not particularly fulfilling and is even less fulfilling post betrayal.  It takes a lot of personal work to build character and become an honest communicator.  She isn’t doing that work, she is avoiding it.  You are an impressive example of a person without empathy, based upon your posts. [/quote]

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