What do you say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is 25….. not 15. That’s a very normal age to have a first child. Hopefully they have degrees and jobs with health insurance.

25 is young, and he certainly wasn’t ready emotionally or financially.

[Anonymous]

Wow they are this old and she did not know sooner??
Something is off here?

OP I love what you have said to your son good parenting.

I would personally be telling him not to marry someone who didn't know they were pregnant for this long. Sorry but she is either stupid or she didn't want to tell him which does not set things up for a good relationship.

The girl is not a child she is an adult who did not act like one. Now a kid comes into a world with possiblity of no vaccines, horrible economy and nuclear reactors being built. Trash me pro birthers. This story has a lot of holes. How did she know know she was pregnant?

[Anonymous]

I married at 23 and had my first at 25, so to me having a child in one's mid-20s is not abnormal, even if it's unplanned.

I would give my son a big hug and say "everything is going to be alright". And since this is extremely important to me, I would ask whether the girlfriend drank, smoke or took drugs in the past few months, and whether she ate a varied diet. My concern would be lack of folic acid leading to spina bifida, or any fetal injury due to toxic substances. I would tell him he and his girlfriend have my full support whether or not they keep this child. I feel that the bulk of that decision should be made by the girlfriend, since it's her body, and that the my son should only have a small part in that decision-making process, and me, not at all. But if they decide to keep the baby, then I would offer to help them care for him or her.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is hard, but you are doing a great job OP.

I hope that everyone, including the new baby, finds peace about how this is handled.

🤗

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We got married in our mid 20's, moved to another country for career, had kids, built a life, bought a home, all that without any support network.

And some people are in jail at 20 have a baby in jail and build a life around that.

Why do you think your story is something people want to emulate?

I read your story and I think childhood trauma

We aren't talking about 20 year old prisoners. We are talking about mud 20's educated and employed adults with family support.

No trauma. Just logistics as family was on another continent.

It doesn’t matter what continent of family is on… OP is only available by phone for her son right now and is providing support.

I’m sorry, your family didn’t care enough about you to provide support and yes, that is trauma. Your response shows that you have not done the work.

How do you provide support to someone across continents? Leave your job, sell your home and abandon your own parents to move to kid's country without immigration?

You call them and they talk to you. You don't realize that is support. Oh Lord.

You are confused between emotional support and having a local support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is 25….. not 15. That’s a very normal age to have a first child. Hopefully they have degrees and jobs with health insurance.

25 is young, and he certainly wasn’t ready emotionally or financially.

OP said both are >27, together for one year, GF is nice and he has good health insurance.

[Anonymous]

Having a baby changes your lives significantly enough. Only a couple can decide if they want to end a pregnancy or sign up for a life long commitment. Others can't decide it for them.

[Anonymous]

32 weeks?!

I said previously she was being disingenuous at best. She is either seriously disturbed or wanted a baby. Or both.

Someone who doesn't want a baby would have taken OTC pregnancy tests months ago.

She left him with no choice.

He is legally obligated to pay child support but not to marry her. Unless she has mental issues, she lied by omission. Not someone to marry if they have been dating 52 weeks and she is 32 weeks pregnant.

Honestly I would ask for a paternity test before agreeing to 18 years of child support.

Signed, A woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. Once the shock wears off, your son will be okay. He’s lucky he has two parents who love him and are supportive.

You should also call the GF to offer your support. Regardless of what happens with your son and her, she’ll always be the mother of your grandchild so you want to be supportive and will also want to stay on her good side since she’ll have a lot to do with how much access you’ll have to your grandchild.

OP here

I already texted her. I did have to go find her number, the last time it arrived on my phone was months ago when he was without his own and he was using hers. I hadn’t added it to my contacts. I didn’t ask my son about contacting her but I figured there were two options, ignore her or contact her, and she’s no doubt feeling very alone and afraid herself right now. I’ve met her a few times but not in any truly meaningful way. I didn’t even know her last name until today. I’ve never even seen where he lives, but his dad owns his house and rents it to him and a roommate. I just never went over there because it started out as both an investment and a decorating project for his dad’s girlfriend and I wanted no part of it.

I’m pretty sure his dad is going to tell him he’s got very solid resources that others don’t have.

I’m also giving my son a ton of grace right now for being in too much shock to know all the “right” things to do or say. Also because there have been any number of times in my life where I’ve easily not handled things well, and now’s the time where all that experience comes in. “I just want it to all go away” is something he said, and which is as understandable as it is also not how life works.

Many people have a lot more time to prepare for this kind of life change. This one just came down like a ton of bricks.

I just texted her that regardless of what happens from here, she is not alone and that she has a support system in my son’s dad and in me. No matter how things go that we will all try our best to help her through whatever is coming up. Even if we don’t know what that is just yet.

I guess there are lots of questions about “how did it get this far?” And precautions etc. but that’s neither here nor there anymore, there’s just now.

I’m glad he’s talking, the more he talks the more he processes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I’m going to take a deep breath here.

Son came by. Pale as a ghost, tears.

I hugged him and said, “I’m sorry, is it over now?”

And he shook his head.

It’s a 32 week pregnancy. There is definitely going to be a baby. I do not know how they did not know, but also something like this has not been in my own life experience. I know it does happen but this one was not in my crystal ball.

Now it’s obvious that this is why he said he saw them crossing lines through the word “abortion” at the initial planned parenthood appointment.

He’s obviously absolutely terrified. Also, definitely in a ton of shock. I asked if he knows it’s a girl or a boy, and he said his girlfriend knows, but he did not want to know.

I said, “yes, you do need to know. Until you know whether it’s a boy or a girl it’s going to continue to be something terrifying, a monster shadowing everything. You’re going to have to know whether it’s a boy or girl either way, but that baby needs to become a human. Once it stops being something threatening you, and you realize you’re the one responsible for its future, and it not being something that will ruin yours, it will stop being so scary.”

We went through all the things. You’re in shock etc. Anyone would be. But I’m not upset, I’m not angry, this stuff happens EVERY DAY. You’ve been through college and your licensing. You have a good job. Money is one of the first, most real things to worry about, but you’ve got that support system. Costs are covered. Your dad and I aren’t together but we will both support you and your girlfriend 100%. No one is cutting you loose or insisting you get married, or insisting that you do anything.

I gave him an Ativan from the stash I rarely use myself. Today’s 100% a day for that.

I do not know what is going to happen. He was here for about an hour. He’s absolutely 100% shook, but there’s only so much someone else can talk at him and only so much he can process at one time.

I don’t know whether she’s talked to her mother. She lives with her mother and her grandma. I don’t think they all have the most ideal relationships with one another but who knows. I’m just guessing they will have an opinion one way or another.

He’s on his way now to tell his Dad in person. I have 100 things to say about his dad, but at least I know in this case he’s going to do and say all the rest of the right things. His dad is good at handling stuff like this.

Kind peeps of DCUM, I swear that of all the things I thought I was going to ultimately update with, this is a set of circumstances I absolutely did not expect.

I’m not even sure I’ve absorbed it yet, since I don’t want to get invested too far either way.

Still can’t talk to anyone else about it for the time being, so thanks for listening.

A lot of decisions have to be made now.

I don't understand why this is coming out now. By 32 weeks, many/most women are huge. There is no hiding it. How did he not know, especially if they were intimate? Personally, I felt like a whale at that point. 27 is not young, either. It's solidly adult and on the way to middle age. There may be other reasons why they aren't ready, but age and youth aren't an issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:32 weeks?!

I said previously she was being disingenuous at best. She is either seriously disturbed or wanted a baby. Or both.

Someone who doesn't want a baby would have taken OTC pregnancy tests months ago.

She left him with no choice.

He is legally obligated to pay child support but not to marry her. Unless she has mental issues, she lied by omission. Not someone to marry if they have been dating 52 weeks and she is 32 weeks pregnant.

Honestly I would ask for a paternity test before agreeing to 18 years of child support.

Signed, A woman

OP here

I don’t really think there’s any likelihood that she did this intentionally. She could have just had the whole pregnancy without dragging him to these appointments in the end with all this drama. She also wouldn’t have had any guarantee that she wouldn’t be showing a long time ago, and somehow she just didn’t. And she hasn’t been “acting pregnant” if you want to read between those lines.

I don’t really know all the details but I saw her as recently as maybe 6 weeks ago and I wouldn’t have noticed anything different. She carries a little extra weight (all his girlfriends always have). I guess if you want to put a name to it, she has an apple body shape. So do I. I also showed easily at 4 months but not all women do.

No one’s thinking of getting married today. That’s a legal arrangement, not anything magical or religious for this family. (I don’t know about hers)

There’s no baby trapping here. We aren’t the royal family or anything.

[Anonymous]

It was a cryptic pregnancy, people.

Read up on it. There are women with irregular cycles who cannot know they are pregnant the normal way. At-home urine tests come up negative if done past two months of pregnancy, because there is too much HCG for it to turn positive. Some women bleed a little during their pregnancies, and might mistake that for a period. Some women, particularly overweight ones, don't show very much until the last minute, if it's their first pregnancy.

In short, yes, it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a cryptic pregnancy, people.

Read up on it. There are women with irregular cycles who cannot know they are pregnant the normal way. At-home urine tests come up negative if done past two months of pregnancy, because there is too much HCG for it to turn positive. Some women bleed a little during their pregnancies, and might mistake that for a period. Some women, particularly overweight ones, don't show very much until the last minute, if it's their first pregnancy.

In short, yes, it happens.

OP here

As you can imagine, yes I’m looking this stuff up

I have been texting her. She said she feels like a bomb that is waiting to go off. I said, yes, that’s how it feels when you don’t know if you want to be pregnant at all.

I told her do not ever make any decisions based only on what the man in your life says. It’s only your decision that matters. And that she is not a bomb waiting to go off.

I said I would be here for her to ask any questions but that I’ve done XYZ and that there’s no way she knows what to do today. That as she lives and sleeps and keeps waking up day to day she will probably come to a “gut feeling” (and that I hate that expression) but that’s kind of what it is. She’ll know the correct thing to do for herself.

And I perhaps kind of betrayed my son, a little, but I just said, don’t make any decisions based solely on what he thinks. Men just do not live with the same things we women live with. And that by the time this baby is about to arrive, you will know where your heart lies, for the best that you can come up with.

She said she doesn’t want to tell her mom or Grandma because she knows they’d feel a certain way and she doesn’t know how she wants to feel right now. I said that’s all OK.

I guess, as it turns out, I was one of those posters who responded in an old thread that none of my adult kids appear to want actual kids of their own and that I was OK with that considering lots of present day circumstances (“gestures at everything” etc.)

It’s like Final Destination in reverse … Life finds you anyway. (Dark humor, have no other options for lighter humor)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:32 weeks?!

I said previously she was being disingenuous at best. She is either seriously disturbed or wanted a baby. Or both.

Someone who doesn't want a baby would have taken OTC pregnancy tests months ago.

She left him with no choice.

He is legally obligated to pay child support but not to marry her. Unless she has mental issues, she lied by omission. Not someone to marry if they have been dating 52 weeks and she is 32 weeks pregnant.

Honestly I would ask for a paternity test before agreeing to 18 years of child support.

Signed, A woman

When will men (and women like you) understand that a man is responsible for his own actions. If he didn’t want a child, there was a plethora of choices and possibilities of using birth control to prevent that. That was his choice.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the post on cryptic pregnancies

I had a hysterectomy a long time ago and I still feel weird “kicks” in my abdomen that I know are gas

People’s bodies are all different

I have a slender 6’ model of a sister who never showed until 7-8 months