I feel like I won the parenting wars

[Anonymous]

Way to go mom and dad!

[Anonymous]

There's a war? That I'm supposed to try to win? Against who- my kids? Confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, you didn’t win. Tens of thousands of parents do this every year. The real winners are the parents who watched self motivated kids accomplish this all on their own.

The most successful people are the ones who can leverage a free or low-cost education (regardless of the school’s rank) to propel themselves into a job/career/life that makes them happy.

As a parent, my primary hope is that my kids will find a loving partner who will be loyal and make them happy for the rest of their lives.

Jobs/careers shouldn’t be the primary focus of one’s life unless it’s a noble calling that essentially forms the bulk of one’s identity.

My kids are happy. They don’t require therapy or daily meds. They have very active social lives and dating/relationships. They are kind. They couldn’t care less about labels or school rankings. And they would never pass judgment on their relatives for anything…let alone high school credentials and college degrees.

Does this mean I can't "win", since one of my children has ADHD and takes daily Concerta along with weekly social skills therapy? Shoot. Would I be able to win if he didn't have ADHD as his chronic medical problem, but like, diabetes instead?

[Anonymous]

This idea that the ultimate goal of childhood is admission to a highly selective school is so damaging to kids and is ruining childhood for UMC kids. It is so sad to me that there are parents who think this way, and no doubt communicate that to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This idea that the ultimate goal of childhood is admission to a highly selective school is so damaging to kids and is ruining childhood for UMC kids. It is so sad to me that there are parents who think this way, and no doubt communicate that to their kids.

You summed up my thoughts. The winners are the kids who are allowed to have a childhood and pick their own path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This idea that the ultimate goal of childhood is admission to a highly selective school is so damaging to kids and is ruining childhood for UMC kids. It is so sad to me that there are parents who think this way, and no doubt communicate that to their kids.

You summed up my thoughts. The winners are the kids who are allowed to have a childhood and pick their own path.

+1

I don’t need a top ranked college name to validate my parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This idea that the ultimate goal of childhood is admission to a highly selective school is so damaging to kids and is ruining childhood for UMC kids. It is so sad to me that there are parents who think this way, and no doubt communicate that to their kids.

You summed up my thoughts. The winners are the kids who are allowed to have a childhood and pick their own path.

+1

I don’t need a top ranked college name to validate my parenting.

Agree. If this isn’t a troll post it’s very sad. I’d be interested in what the mom does or doesn’t do professionally. Basically what life choices can contribute to having such shallow priorities and values?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to your kid, OP!

And by all means go ahead and be proud.

But…

Denigrating your siblings and their children…or most kids, really…sigh…not nice.

Moreover, let me share some observations as a very successful DC professional in my 50s with a handful of kids and many dozens of relatives spanning from tweens to early 30s:

1. Tons of us landed amazing jobs and have fabulous lives despite going to state schools or no name colleges.

2. I know far too many kids who never did much with their fancy degrees. I think most people are either motivated or not. The fact that you forced your kid to do so much could mean they will fizzle out once you aren’t pushing them.

3. Anyone who struggles with anxiety and/or depression tends to struggle during their college years—especially the first year. I hope you will be nearby and frequently checking in. I know kids who quietly left top schools after the first year because they couldn’t live independently while managing their issues. And that’s okay.

4. Most of the financially successful people I know in their 30s own a business—and some didn’t bother with college. Some started in the trades and opened their own company. These people own the fanciest homes plus vacation homes and quickly became millionaires. It’s not for everyone, but it’s shocking how quickly they amassed wealth as Ivy educated kids are working harder for far less.

Your #4 seems completely made up. Only a very small percentage of people in the trades who own their own companies become millionaires…and that requires building a fairly large company of like 50+ employees (with lots of trucks and other assets which aren’t free).

All of the trade folks who do work on my house own their own companies and they would all laugh that they are raking it in. None encouraged their children to follow in their footsteps…which doesn’t mean not learning a trade, but rather go work for a large company as an electrician, don’t do it on your own.

On the other hand…every day we read about 25 year olds becoming billionaires by starting an AI company or similar tech company. This is DC, and we all know 30-something BigLaw partners that are pulling down big $$$s.

I know some people with a huge company involving multiple trades and spanning different industries. OT, but it is not easy to start, grow, and own your own company, regardless of industry. It requires dealing with hiring and retaining employees, financing assets, marketing, ensuring payment, taxes, insurance, workers comp, and on and on. The same is true for the law firm or tech conpany. Big law started as small[er] law at one point, and once you buy in, you're responsible for keeping the business running. The difference is that the infrastructure is already in place at that point, but it wasn't always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to your kid, OP!

And by all means go ahead and be proud.

But…

Denigrating your siblings and their children…or most kids, really…sigh…not nice.

Moreover, let me share some observations as a very successful DC professional in my 50s with a handful of kids and many dozens of relatives spanning from tweens to early 30s:

1. Tons of us landed amazing jobs and have fabulous lives despite going to state schools or no name colleges.

2. I know far too many kids who never did much with their fancy degrees. I think most people are either motivated or not. The fact that you forced your kid to do so much could mean they will fizzle out once you aren’t pushing them.

3. Anyone who struggles with anxiety and/or depression tends to struggle during their college years—especially the first year. I hope you will be nearby and frequently checking in. I know kids who quietly left top schools after the first year because they couldn’t live independently while managing their issues. And that’s okay.

4. Most of the financially successful people I know in their 30s own a business—and some didn’t bother with college. Some started in the trades and opened their own company. These people own the fanciest homes plus vacation homes and quickly became millionaires. It’s not for everyone, but it’s shocking how quickly they amassed wealth as Ivy educated kids are working harder for far less.

Your #4 seems completely made up. Only a very small percentage of people in the trades who own their own companies become millionaires…and that requires building a fairly large company of like 50+ employees (with lots of trucks and other assets which aren’t free).

All of the trade folks who do work on my house own their own companies and they would all laugh that they are raking it in. None encouraged their children to follow in their footsteps…which doesn’t mean not learning a trade, but rather go work for a large company as an electrician, don’t do it on your own.

On the other hand…every day we read about 25 year olds becoming billionaires by starting an AI company or similar tech company. This is DC, and we all know 30-something BigLaw partners that are pulling down big $$$s.

I know some people with a huge company involving multiple trades and spanning different industries. OT, but it is not easy to start, grow, and own your own company, regardless of industry. It requires dealing with hiring and retaining employees, financing assets, marketing, ensuring payment, taxes, insurance, workers comp, and on and on. The same is true for the law firm or tech conpany. Big law started as small[er] law at one point, and once you buy in, you're responsible for keeping the business running. The difference is that the infrastructure is already in place at that point, but it wasn't always.

So the men I know in the dc metro area who personally net $1M+ through their own blue collar companies are not running huge businesses in terms of the number of employees. They have relatively small crews who work FT for them. If you’ve renovated a house in the dc metro area, you can easily wrap your head around this.

[Anonymous]

Oh this post is foreboding, if not a troll. The live and let live parents may very well have given their kids the skills and values important for a happy successful life. Your focus on a singular achievement to bring nirvana will inevitably create a let-down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS was accepted ED1 to an elite university. Husband and I have worked for years to help him with grades, encouraging increased in AP classes, motivation, ec's, supporting his varsity sport, helping with the mental toughness training/support required for the sport, requiring DS do volunteer work, etc. throughout high school.

Our parenting style differs from our siblings parenting style - they are more "live and let live." DS has also overcome struggles with anxiety and social issues (stress in his sport and around acclimating to a new HS), even us finding vape carts and getting him a therapist). A visit to the emergency room on prom after too much vodka. So many opportunities to veer too far off track.

I'm just feeling so grateful, his senior year, to be on the other side with him heading to a great school with amazing opportunities. I'm also feeling validated with our parenting style. Most importantly, DS is extremely proud of his accomplishment. He did it! We did it! Feeling proud and emotional about this next phase. Parents need to pat ourselves on the back sometimes🥹

Haven't read all the responses, but I feel sorry for OP and for her kid.

Anyone who sees parenting as a competitive sport, much less a war, is doing it wrong. We all want the best for our kids -- that they become happy, healthy adults who experience joy and meaning in their lives -- but since those kids are individuals, and since we are individuals, there is no we vary in how we define and pursue success.

OP, I hope your kid does wonderfully in college, and I'm glad you are happy. However, I encourage you to remember "Pride goeth . . . "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS was accepted ED1 to an elite university. Husband and I have worked for years to help him with grades, encouraging increased in AP classes, motivation, ec's, supporting his varsity sport, helping with the mental toughness training/support required for the sport, requiring DS do volunteer work, etc. throughout high school.

Our parenting style differs from our siblings parenting style - they are more "live and let live." DS has also overcome struggles with anxiety and social issues (stress in his sport and around acclimating to a new HS), even us finding vape carts and getting him a therapist). A visit to the emergency room on prom after too much vodka. So many opportunities to veer too far off track.

I'm just feeling so grateful, his senior year, to be on the other side with him heading to a great school with amazing opportunities. I'm also feeling validated with our parenting style. Most importantly, DS is extremely proud of his accomplishment. He did it! We did it! Feeling proud and emotional about this next phase. Parents need to pat ourselves on the back sometimes🥹

How many window stickers did you buy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to your kid, OP!

And by all means go ahead and be proud.

But…

Denigrating your siblings and their children…or most kids, really…sigh…not nice.

Moreover, let me share some observations as a very successful DC professional in my 50s with a handful of kids and many dozens of relatives spanning from tweens to early 30s:

1. Tons of us landed amazing jobs and have fabulous lives despite going to state schools or no name colleges.

2. I know far too many kids who never did much with their fancy degrees. I think most people are either motivated or not. The fact that you forced your kid to do so much could mean they will fizzle out once you aren’t pushing them.

3. Anyone who struggles with anxiety and/or depression tends to struggle during their college years—especially the first year. I hope you will be nearby and frequently checking in. I know kids who quietly left top schools after the first year because they couldn’t live independently while managing their issues. And that’s okay.

4. Most of the financially successful people I know in their 30s own a business—and some didn’t bother with college. Some started in the trades and opened their own company. These people own the fanciest homes plus vacation homes and quickly became millionaires. It’s not for everyone, but it’s shocking how quickly they amassed wealth as Ivy educated kids are working harder for far less.

Your #4 seems completely made up. Only a very small percentage of people in the trades who own their own companies become millionaires…and that requires building a fairly large company of like 50+ employees (with lots of trucks and other assets which aren’t free).

All of the trade folks who do work on my house own their own companies and they would all laugh that they are raking it in. None encouraged their children to follow in their footsteps…which doesn’t mean not learning a trade, but rather go work for a large company as an electrician, don’t do it on your own.

On the other hand…every day we read about 25 year olds becoming billionaires by starting an AI company or similar tech company. This is DC, and we all know 30-something BigLaw partners that are pulling down big $$$s.

I know some people with a huge company involving multiple trades and spanning different industries. OT, but it is not easy to start, grow, and own your own company, regardless of industry. It requires dealing with hiring and retaining employees, financing assets, marketing, ensuring payment, taxes, insurance, workers comp, and on and on. The same is true for the law firm or tech conpany. Big law started as small[er] law at one point, and once you buy in, you're responsible for keeping the business running. The difference is that the infrastructure is already in place at that point, but it wasn't always.

So the men I know in the dc metro area who personally net $1M+ through their own blue collar companies are not running huge businesses in terms of the number of employees. They have relatively small crews who work FT for them. If you’ve renovated a house in the dc metro area, you can easily wrap your head around this.

Again…contractors have bankruptcy rates similar to restaurants (meaning a lot). The ones with small crews rarely have enough to handle all jobs and need to manage subcontractors which many do badly. Also, most contractors are terrible at pricing the materials, pricing in contingencies (permits delayed or other delays), etc.

The contractor down the street who bought and is trying to renovate a house in DC has already told me he will now be lucky to break-even…the intial turnaround time of 6 months has already come and gone and only the demo permits were granted…so, it’s at least another 6 months. We just hope the guy doesn’t abandon it and leave an eyesore that needs to be sold at a foreclosure auction or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to your kid, OP!

And by all means go ahead and be proud.

But…

Denigrating your siblings and their children…or most kids, really…sigh…not nice.

Moreover, let me share some observations as a very successful DC professional in my 50s with a handful of kids and many dozens of relatives spanning from tweens to early 30s:

1. Tons of us landed amazing jobs and have fabulous lives despite going to state schools or no name colleges.

2. I know far too many kids who never did much with their fancy degrees. I think most people are either motivated or not. The fact that you forced your kid to do so much could mean they will fizzle out once you aren’t pushing them.

3. Anyone who struggles with anxiety and/or depression tends to struggle during their college years—especially the first year. I hope you will be nearby and frequently checking in. I know kids who quietly left top schools after the first year because they couldn’t live independently while managing their issues. And that’s okay.

4. Most of the financially successful people I know in their 30s own a business—and some didn’t bother with college. Some started in the trades and opened their own company. These people own the fanciest homes plus vacation homes and quickly became millionaires. It’s not for everyone, but it’s shocking how quickly they amassed wealth as Ivy educated kids are working harder for far less.

Your #4 seems completely made up. Only a very small percentage of people in the trades who own their own companies become millionaires…and that requires building a fairly large company of like 50+ employees (with lots of trucks and other assets which aren’t free).

All of the trade folks who do work on my house own their own companies and they would all laugh that they are raking it in. None encouraged their children to follow in their footsteps…which doesn’t mean not learning a trade, but rather go work for a large company as an electrician, don’t do it on your own.

On the other hand…every day we read about 25 year olds becoming billionaires by starting an AI company or similar tech company. This is DC, and we all know 30-something BigLaw partners that are pulling down big $$$s.

I know some people with a huge company involving multiple trades and spanning different industries. OT, but it is not easy to start, grow, and own your own company, regardless of industry. It requires dealing with hiring and retaining employees, financing assets, marketing, ensuring payment, taxes, insurance, workers comp, and on and on. The same is true for the law firm or tech conpany. Big law started as small[er] law at one point, and once you buy in, you're responsible for keeping the business running. The difference is that the infrastructure is already in place at that point, but it wasn't always.

Tech companies though attract lots of VC funding…so it’s a lot of OPM. While you now have PE groups buying established trade businesses, you need to risk your own $$$s to get it started.

Most trades are somewhat asset-intensive (trucks, equipment, etc.) as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This idea that the ultimate goal of childhood is admission to a highly selective school is so damaging to kids and is ruining childhood for UMC kids. It is so sad to me that there are parents who think this way, and no doubt communicate that to their kids.

You summed up my thoughts. The winners are the kids who are allowed to have a childhood and pick their own path.

Yes. My husband and I are both over-achievers who went to top-5 schools. Did we want the same for our kids? Yes. Are our kids self-motivated over-achievers? Not at all. Did we raise kids who turned out to be kind, empathetic, and friendly? Who found activities and hobbies that they liked (not necessarily "resume builders") and built solid relationships with both peers and adults? Who are good-enough students to get into decent colleges and hopefully be employable in the future? Yes to all of these. So....fine. We've adjusted our expectations, we don't consider ourselves failures.