I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Lol, found one.

Exactly. They're gonna be ALL up in this thread with their particular brand of insult gaslighting

Laughing because this was a really prescient post early in the thread.

All the Type As are freaking out in this thread. I wonder if they didn't realize we knew what was up?

They think they are always one upping us and never realize we are onto them.

No one cares about one upping. It is literally just engaging in conversation and providing insight. Everyone isn't going to say to you all of the time "you are so right!" or "I am so sorry to hear that!" or "wow, you do everything right all of the time!" and everyone isn't just going to walk around like toddlers and exclaim "I like romance movies", "I like pizza", just making declarations, without a back a forth.

[Anonymous]

True PP

This whole threads seems more like a maturity vs immaturity thing.

Get a life Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what?

Yeah.

Sounds like OP has got it all figured out…. lol.

OP sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Get a more demanding day job Op. you need a bigger perspective and more orbits in your life.

Said an anonymous stranger at quarter after ten in the morning on a weekday. Hmmm.

Fridays are the best!

Look, this won't work here.

We get it, you see yourself in these descriptions, it's threatening your feeling of superiority that is very important to your self-esteem. So you are doing what you often do, which is seek to undermine anyone who exposes your insecurities. But the thread is wise to this. Like we are literally taking apart these tendencies and discussing them. You can't bully people into being quiet here by claiming they must have too much time on their hands.

You can read along and try to learn something about yourself, or you can move along and forget about it. But you can't mean girl your way into silencing a thread that is about people who have figured out how the mean girls operate and discussing how to avoid or neutralize them. We are wise to you.

Lol

Most of us didn’t bother to read the long OP or any of the pages here.

Live and let live. Someone here has a type they don’t like and takes 250+ words to describe it!? Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? You have to hang out with people a level below your own income level. We haven't moved out of our starter home for this reason. I want to HAVE money, not be around other people with money. Most of them are exactly like you describe.

This this this.

Not just income level - but "status level" (educational background, job titles etc.). And then keep your status/income level to yourself.

And then just don't engage. Someone wants to take over the PTA or the pool board with some sort of Game of Thrones style machinations? Who cares.

It's not that those types of women aren't out there - there are plenty of women who aren't mutual frenemies or minions.

Thank god most people are not like the above whatsoever. And I’d imagine the few who are, are easy to spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Lol, found one.

Exactly. They're gonna be ALL up in this thread with their particular brand of insult gaslighting

Laughing because this was a really prescient post early in the thread.

All the Type As are freaking out in this thread. I wonder if they didn't realize we knew what was up?

This comment makes YOU sound like a narcissist. Lol indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you surround yourself with rich people, this is what happens. Rich people are bored and focus that extra energy into social engineering.

You must mean rich or wealthy people who don’t work or have real hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what?

Yeah.

Sounds like OP has got it all figured out…. lol.

OP sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Get a more demanding day job Op. you need a bigger perspective and more orbits in your life.

Does the OP work full time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Lol, found one.

Exactly. They're gonna be ALL up in this thread with their particular brand of insult gaslighting

Laughing because this was a really prescient post early in the thread.

All the Type As are freaking out in this thread. I wonder if they didn't realize we knew what was up?

They think they are always one upping us and never realize we are onto them.

No one cares about one upping. It is literally just engaging in conversation and providing insight. Everyone isn't going to say to you all of the time "you are so right!" or "I am so sorry to hear that!" or "wow, you do everything right all of the time!" and everyone isn't just going to walk around like toddlers and exclaim "I like romance movies", "I like pizza", just making declarations, without a back a forth.

I am beginning to think you may be on the spectrum. I don't say that as a burn -- if you are, that's fine, and would explain why you didn't understand what multiple people here are saying.

No one has suggested they want anyone to constantly validate them and say they are right. In fact, that sounds very annoying.

But yes, one upping is a thing. And guess what, most people do it occasionally, without meaning to. Sometimes people don't listen well, are caught up in their own business and aren't connecting, or misread a conversation.

But some people one up in every single conversation, in response to everything you might say. Some people treat conversation as an opportunity to demonstrate their superiority on every single subject. I've known people like this. It's very obnoxious and is not "back and forth." It's a rhetorical tool to turn attention and praise back on themselves at every turn. If this is you, people will absolutely grow weary of it and start avoiding you, not because you don't validate them constantly, but because they are tired of you never listening to them, never trying to empathize or even understand, never being able to sustain focus on anyone but yourself for more than ten seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what?

Yeah.

Sounds like OP has got it all figured out…. lol.

OP sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Get a more demanding day job Op. you need a bigger perspective and more orbits in your life.

Does the OP work full time?

You all sound really nice and definitely not like self important Type As who harass people and think they're better than everyone else./s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

Everyone has insecurities.

No, they truly don't.
I was attempting friendship with one of these a while back and every conversation collapsed because of this.
"Mikeys not very athletic so I'm trying to encourage x and y. He said recess has been kind of a struggle." "That's strange. All my kids are super sporty, because we encourage being active in our family." I literally just said that we encourage that too!
"I'm going crazy with my kitchen remodel, the contractor did x and y." "I'm so glad we made sure to buy a beautifully maintained house so we never had to worry about that. My kitchen is amazing."

If they weren't insecure, they wouldn't feel the need to 'one-up' everything you say. It's their coping mechanism.

Preach! 🙌🏾

They are not one-upping, it is called having a conversation, a back and forth. Yes, we know narcissist don't like being questioned, like to have the last word, want everyone to share their worldview, but this is not going to happen.

The example the PP gave was definitely one-upping. Responding to someone saying "I'm struggling with X" by saying "Oh I never struggle with X" is not a "back and forth." It's treating a conversation like a contest.

It's the one-upper who wants everyone to share their worldview, usually that they are superior and make all the best choices. The PP was just trying to relate to a fellow parent or homeowner.

No, its a back and forth. One person is sharing their experience, the other person shared theirs. Maybe the other person is trying to convey that they are not the person to help you with your struggle because they can't relate to it.

If you want to dig in on that theory, go ahead. It will not net you any friends. But that's your choice.

Ok..."If you want to dig in on that theory, go ahead. It will not net you any friends. But that's your choice." is a really manipulative and inaccurate way to assert that you don't agree with me.

How is that manipulative?

Because it is.

The irony here is very delicious.

I stand by my original statement of "One person is sharing their experience, the other person shared theirs. Maybe the other person is trying to convey that they are not the person to help you with your struggle because they can't relate to it."Someone disagreeing with you is the ultimate offense, but that doesn't stop me from speaking.

The examples given were not a person disagreeing. Go back and read the examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t actually know anyone like that. But we’re kind of middle class.

OP here. We are not "kind of" middle class. We are middle class. We own a tiny home we bought for under 500k when rates were really low and cannot afford to fix it up or to move. We have extremely normal jobs with no power or prestige. Public schools, modest backgrounds. I work in a field with a lot of jobs in the DC area due to the federal government and all the universities, which is how we wound up here, but it's not a glamorous field at all.

My perception is that a lot of the people I encounter like this only make slightly more than we do, but either have a spouse making a lot or have money from family. We don't live in NW DC or one of the pricy suburbs. I assume this issue is even worse in those communities, but I'll never find out because we could never afford to live there, nor will we ever send our kids to any of these elite privates (or any private school) or get them involved in any super expensive EC. But even in our very middle class existence, I encounter people like this a lot.

It must be you. I posted upthread and live in CCDC and haven't encountered this dynamic in any friendships or relationships.

Translation: “This has never happened to me, so isn’t real and OP you’re the one to blame. I’m rich and live in one of the big bad neighborhoods so that makes me the authority on this subject, especially now that I see that you’re not rich. Listen to me and fall in line!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in DC for over a decade now and I keep winding up in situations where I am in close proximity to a very specific type of woman: type A, overachiever, from a doting family (think super involved grandparents, parents who always told her she was smarter and better than other kids), married to a high earning man (usually a somewhat bro-y guy who is easy going but kind of dense and boring). Very smart to the point of being manipulative in social settings. Can gossip/talk $hit about other women in a way that never comes off as gossipy but accomplishes the same goal. Forceful (which I might say is a euphemism for pushy, but she and others would describe her as forceful or "a force of nature"). Maneuvers into positions of authority in every setting -- work, volunteer orgs, PTA, neighborhood, her regular barre studio, a wedding party, the dog park. Has two kinds of friends: (1) frenemies, who are women who are just like her against whom she competes for control of things, but they are surface friends and they secretly do not like each other, and (2) minions, women who look up to her and sing her praises at every turn and whom she is often "helping" in ways that some people (me) would find condescending and over-involved.

Not here to discuss whether this type of person is good or bad. It's a type. There are many in DC, and I would like to minimize my exposure to them. I have found that once I am in a community with this sort of person, it is hard to get her to ignore me or leave me alone, and she either tries to adopt me as a minion (most common, I really hate this, I don't want to be someone's acolyte and I really, really hate being told how to handle my life so it just doesn't work) or she will target me as a threat and start talking negatively about me behind my back. Directness doesn't work because they will either just steamroll over your direct request ("please stop suggesting jobs for me, I am not job hunting" and then they keep doing it because they are convinced you don't know what is best for you) or will attempt to manipulate and maneuver around it.

So I give up. I just want one place where I can be social and have friends in DC where there isn't a woman like this. If this is you, where do you NOT go. Or have any of you found a secret place where these women aren't? I just want to be free. I am tired. Would moving away from DC help? If so, where?

I feel this. We live in CCDC, but I've always said we have more of TP/SS vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in DC for over a decade now and I keep winding up in situations where I am in close proximity to a very specific type of woman: type A, overachiever, from a doting family (think super involved grandparents, parents who always told her she was smarter and better than other kids), married to a high earning man (usually a somewhat bro-y guy who is easy going but kind of dense and boring). Very smart to the point of being manipulative in social settings. Can gossip/talk $hit about other women in a way that never comes off as gossipy but accomplishes the same goal. Forceful (which I might say is a euphemism for pushy, but she and others would describe her as forceful or "a force of nature"). Maneuvers into positions of authority in every setting -- work, volunteer orgs, PTA, neighborhood, her regular barre studio, a wedding party, the dog park. Has two kinds of friends: (1) frenemies, who are women who are just like her against whom she competes for control of things, but they are surface friends and they secretly do not like each other, and (2) minions, women who look up to her and sing her praises at every turn and whom she is often "helping" in ways that some people (me) would find condescending and over-involved.

Not here to discuss whether this type of person is good or bad. It's a type. There are many in DC, and I would like to minimize my exposure to them. I have found that once I am in a community with this sort of person, it is hard to get her to ignore me or leave me alone, and she either tries to adopt me as a minion (most common, I really hate this, I don't want to be someone's acolyte and I really, really hate being told how to handle my life so it just doesn't work) or she will target me as a threat and start talking negatively about me behind my back. Directness doesn't work because they will either just steamroll over your direct request ("please stop suggesting jobs for me, I am not job hunting" and then they keep doing it because they are convinced you don't know what is best for you) or will attempt to manipulate and maneuver around it.

So I give up. I just want one place where I can be social and have friends in DC where there isn't a woman like this. If this is you, where do you NOT go. Or have any of you found a secret place where these women aren't? I just want to be free. I am tired. Would moving away from DC help? If so, where?

I feel this. We live in CCDC, but I've always said we have more of TP/SS vibe.

Really? Because I’m in Woodley and there are a few here. Maybe we should move up the street. I’m pretty skeptical that CC is anything like TP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? You have to hang out with people a level below your own income level. We haven't moved out of our starter home for this reason. I want to HAVE money, not be around other people with money. Most of them are exactly like you describe.

This this this.

Not just income level - but "status level" (educational background, job titles etc.). And then keep your status/income level to yourself.

And then just don't engage. Someone wants to take over the PTA or the pool board with some sort of Game of Thrones style machinations? Who cares.

It's not that those types of women aren't out there - there are plenty of women who aren't mutual frenemies or minions.

What if you are just middle class, so the only people below your income/status level are working or lower class?

Alternatively, what if your social class and economic class don't match? My spouse and I are highly educated from "good" schools that have a lot of status, but we have middle class status jobs and a middle class income.

I'm genuinely asking. We wind up living among UMC people but being the lowest status people in that community, which is an uncomfortable situation and I think makes me a target for these sorts of women who initially wish to turn me into an acolyte and then, when they realize I don't like that, they use my low status as a punching bag to elevate themselves.

I don't want to live in a poorer community because I value education and schools in poor and working class areas tend to either be not great, or they are great but are focused mostly on helping a poor kids (which makes sense) and might not be a great place for my MC kids.

So where do a I go to get away from this dynamic, or, if there's nowhere for me to go, how do I protect myself from these women using me as a weird foil for their status games? What I want is to just float in the middle somewhere without attracting attention.

Are you the OP?

I posted before that I used to be a tomboy and never hung out with these types. I guess we are the opposite because we have the highest income. Many of those queen bee types in our area are UMC but not super rich.

I have three very social children who I guess are popular so those moms are nice to me. DH is also well regarded so those wives play nice to me. I don’t want to hang out with any of those women personally if I don’t have to.

I don't understand the point of this comment. You seem like a troll.

I’m saying the moms are nice to me because I have three popular kids and an extremely successful husband.

Why in the world would I be a troll?

OP mentioned a type of woman who is very easy NOT to hang out with. I was a smart nerdy type, did not hang out with those type of women my entire life and still don’t as a middle aged woman. I see them around and they are nice to me but we aren’t close.

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine taking notes on people and cross-referencing them into a character type more elaborate than a Tarantino script description?