What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

Pp, this is a repeat poster. He’s posted about this saga so often I can’t decide whether he is a very committed troll or just deeply damaged.

So weird. Who are these people? If he's real he's really something. If not, well, I guess...same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

Don’t get mad, get everything. 😉
You can enjoy your life while the old fool is changing diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me!

It was horrible and traumatic and messed me up for years.

OP, it’s not your fault. And of course DH will be a coward. But the only advice I have is that the only way out of it is through it. Don’t go into the gory details (let DH do that). It’s a messed up situation but it’s not your fault and DC will eventually get that.

I was in a relationship before I met dh that ended the same way, with cheating and finger pointing and drama and vengefulness on my part. I absolutely lost my mind and that was only a 5 year relationship, without kids, without significant assets and all the complications that come with a 30 year marriage. I did a ton of therapy in the aftermath of that relationship because it destroyed me and I acted out in really unhealthy ways. My therapist at the time was able to get me to see my role in the failure of that relationship. The irony that I'm reliving that breakup in some very parallel ways right now isn't lost on me. But. in reliving a similar narrative now, the thing that's different is that I know I played a role in this. It didn't happen *to* me, I have obviously been a part of it. I got lazy and stopped doing work along the way because everything seemed fine. Not great but fine. I call it the Instagram Happy life. Honestly I have been doing a ton of reflecting since exactly this time last year and I knew things were going to have to change. I was working on myself so I would be able to work on our relationship. DH even screamed at me that I seem to be on this journey and he doesn't feel a part of it. I knew I couldn't work on fixing us until I started fixing myself. He wasn't particularly supportive of or interested in my wish to address all those things he was blaming me for. Looking back, though, it seems like when I finally started addressing my own issues, he checked out completely and hooked up with someone else. And now here we are. But I've played the crazed jilted woman role once in my life. I am *not* going down that road again.

[Anonymous]

^^Also DH could at any point in our relationship and especially in recent years decided he needed to do some of the work on himself, and he also could have said "this relationship is not working well for me right now." But he didn't. I do not think in any way that I bear the sole responsibility for addressing our relationship issues. I just meant in my response above that I was addressing my own issues so I would be in a better place to confront what was going wrong with our relationship. He could have chimed in at any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me!

It was horrible and traumatic and messed me up for years.

OP, it’s not your fault. And of course DH will be a coward. But the only advice I have is that the only way out of it is through it. Don’t go into the gory details (let DH do that). It’s a messed up situation but it’s not your fault and DC will eventually get that.

I was in a relationship before I met dh that ended the same way, with cheating and finger pointing and drama and vengefulness on my part. I absolutely lost my mind and that was only a 5 year relationship, without kids, without significant assets and all the complications that come with a 30 year marriage. I did a ton of therapy in the aftermath of that relationship because it destroyed me and I acted out in really unhealthy ways. My therapist at the time was able to get me to see my role in the failure of that relationship. The irony that I'm reliving that breakup in some very parallel ways right now isn't lost on me. But. in reliving a similar narrative now, the thing that's different is that I know I played a role in this. It didn't happen *to* me, I have obviously been a part of it. I got lazy and stopped doing work along the way because everything seemed fine. Not great but fine. I call it the Instagram Happy life. Honestly I have been doing a ton of reflecting since exactly this time last year and I knew things were going to have to change. I was working on myself so I would be able to work on our relationship. DH even screamed at me that I seem to be on this journey and he doesn't feel a part of it. I knew I couldn't work on fixing us until I started fixing myself. He wasn't particularly supportive of or interested in my wish to address all those things he was blaming me for. Looking back, though, it seems like when I finally started addressing my own issues, he checked out completely and hooked up with someone else. And now here we are. But I've played the crazed jilted woman role once in my life. I am *not* going down that road again.

Was he Mr. Perfect though? You place a lot of blame on yourself but was he doing any of the work to improve things? It looks like he was just looking for an excuse to cheat and leave anyway and found the perfect opening. Don’t gloss over his role in the breakup of your marriage just because you don’t want a repeat of your first relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me!

It was horrible and traumatic and messed me up for years.

OP, it’s not your fault. And of course DH will be a coward. But the only advice I have is that the only way out of it is through it. Don’t go into the gory details (let DH do that). It’s a messed up situation but it’s not your fault and DC will eventually get that.

I was in a relationship before I met dh that ended the same way, with cheating and finger pointing and drama and vengefulness on my part. I absolutely lost my mind and that was only a 5 year relationship, without kids, without significant assets and all the complications that come with a 30 year marriage. I did a ton of therapy in the aftermath of that relationship because it destroyed me and I acted out in really unhealthy ways. My therapist at the time was able to get me to see my role in the failure of that relationship. The irony that I'm reliving that breakup in some very parallel ways right now isn't lost on me. But. in reliving a similar narrative now, the thing that's different is that I know I played a role in this. It didn't happen *to* me, I have obviously been a part of it. I got lazy and stopped doing work along the way because everything seemed fine. Not great but fine. I call it the Instagram Happy life. Honestly I have been doing a ton of reflecting since exactly this time last year and I knew things were going to have to change. I was working on myself so I would be able to work on our relationship. DH even screamed at me that I seem to be on this journey and he doesn't feel a part of it. I knew I couldn't work on fixing us until I started fixing myself. He wasn't particularly supportive of or interested in my wish to address all those things he was blaming me for. Looking back, though, it seems like when I finally started addressing my own issues, he checked out completely and hooked up with someone else. And now here we are. But I've played the crazed jilted woman role once in my life. I am *not* going down that road again.

Was he Mr. Perfect though? You place a lot of blame on yourself but was he doing any of the work to improve things? It looks like he was just looking for an excuse to cheat and leave anyway and found the perfect opening. Don’t gloss over his role in the breakup of your marriage just because you don’t want a repeat of your first relationship.

Her DH sounds very immature and distraught and she seems completely over it and I don’t blame her. Rock on, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me!

It was horrible and traumatic and messed me up for years.

OP, it’s not your fault. And of course DH will be a coward. But the only advice I have is that the only way out of it is through it. Don’t go into the gory details (let DH do that). It’s a messed up situation but it’s not your fault and DC will eventually get that.

I was in a relationship before I met dh that ended the same way, with cheating and finger pointing and drama and vengefulness on my part. I absolutely lost my mind and that was only a 5 year relationship, without kids, without significant assets and all the complications that come with a 30 year marriage. I did a ton of therapy in the aftermath of that relationship because it destroyed me and I acted out in really unhealthy ways. My therapist at the time was able to get me to see my role in the failure of that relationship. The irony that I'm reliving that breakup in some very parallel ways right now isn't lost on me. But. in reliving a similar narrative now, the thing that's different is that I know I played a role in this. It didn't happen *to* me, I have obviously been a part of it. I got lazy and stopped doing work along the way because everything seemed fine. Not great but fine. I call it the Instagram Happy life. Honestly I have been doing a ton of reflecting since exactly this time last year and I knew things were going to have to change. I was working on myself so I would be able to work on our relationship. DH even screamed at me that I seem to be on this journey and he doesn't feel a part of it. I knew I couldn't work on fixing us until I started fixing myself. He wasn't particularly supportive of or interested in my wish to address all those things he was blaming me for. Looking back, though, it seems like when I finally started addressing my own issues, he checked out completely and hooked up with someone else. And now here we are. But I've played the crazed jilted woman role once in my life. I am *not* going down that road again.

Was he Mr. Perfect though? You place a lot of blame on yourself but was he doing any of the work to improve things? It looks like he was just looking for an excuse to cheat and leave anyway and found the perfect opening. Don’t gloss over his role in the breakup of your marriage just because you don’t want a repeat of your first relationship.

Oh I clarified right below this response because that was a glaring omission. Yes absolutely he could have done some of the heavy lifting at any time. He's an autonomous being. I'm just trying to own my side. The onus was not mine alone to do the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

PP. I saw that after I posted. You are doing a great job. Your DC deserves to know the truth as they are an adult and it’s not your responsibility and would likely harm you and dc’s relationship to run with some fake version of what happened that your DH is presenting. It sounds like you are doing a good job of striking the right balance of being honest without coming across as angry and bitter. Everything ultimately worked out in my situation so I’m sure you and your dc will get through this. Wishing you strength!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Girl.

This guy posts frequently.

He has been told off dozens of times, I’m sure it brings him pleasure somehow that the women that remind him of his ex hate him.

Please stop feeding the trolls, you guys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I debated waiting until break to tell you, because I know it will be tough to hear, but I don’t want to keep this from you. Your dad is having an affair and has decided to move out. This has been hard on me, obviously, but I will be okay. I don’t know exactly how this will
play out, but I do know that we both love you very much. We both want you to continue to do well in school. And we are both here for you.”

+1000
This is honest without being too emotional. Your kid deserves to know the truth without any emotional manipulation, but it isn’t up to you to protect their father. Good luck in navigating this difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

The truth. Read "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I debated waiting until break to tell you, because I know it will be tough to hear, but I don’t want to keep this from you. Your dad is having an affair and has decided to move out. This has been hard on me, obviously, but I will be okay. I don’t know exactly how this will
play out, but I do know that we both love you very much. We both want you to continue to do well in school. And we are both here for you.”

+1000
This is honest without being too emotional. Your kid deserves to know the truth without any emotional manipulation, but it isn’t up to you to protect their father. Good luck in navigating this difficult situation.

DH already told dc. He told him right away. He literally went from telling me he wants a divorce to calling our kid to break the news. DC texted me. I called and said that I was sorry the news was told to him so quickly, that I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation, and asked if dh had told dc that he has a girlfriend. DC said no, I said "well that's apparently a big part of the story right now." and left it there, asked if dc had any questions or anything they wanted to talk about. (No and no). I asked dc if they wanted to talk to the therapist they had worked with last year and just left that option on the table. DC has since told me that he's been talking to his friends and asked me if that was weird. I said "you can talk to anyone you need to. This isn't a secret and it's nothing you or I should be ashamed of." I'm SO TIRED. I'm keeping it light with dc - we always text each other memes and Instagram posts so that's kind of where we are right now. I'm bracing for whatever comes next. DH is exhibiting the emotional intelligence of an adolescent boy right now instead of a 60-year-old man with decades of wisdom to draw on. I'm just going to continue trying to keep my side of the street as clean as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The truth. Read "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life"

+1