Reply to What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

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Reply to "What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This happened to me!

It was horrible and traumatic and messed me up for years.

OP, it’s not your fault. And of course DH will be a coward. But the only advice I have is that the only way out of it is through it. Don’t go into the gory details (let DH do that). It’s a messed up situation but it’s not your fault and DC will eventually get that.[/quote] I was in a relationship before I met dh that  ended the same way, with cheating and finger pointing and drama and vengefulness on my part. I absolutely lost my mind and that was only a 5 year relationship, without kids, without significant assets and all the complications that come with a 30 year marriage. I did a ton of therapy in the aftermath of that relationship because it destroyed me and I acted out in really unhealthy ways. My therapist at the time was able to get me to see my role in the failure of that relationship. The irony that I'm reliving that breakup in some very parallel ways right now isn't lost on me. But. in reliving a similar narrative now, the thing that's different is that I know I played a role in this. It didn't happen *to* me, I have obviously been a part of it. I got lazy and stopped doing work along the way because everything seemed fine. Not great but fine. I call it the Instagram Happy life. Honestly I have been doing a ton of reflecting since exactly this time last year and I knew things were going to have to change. I was working on myself so I would be able to work on our relationship.  DH even screamed at me that I seem to be on this journey and he doesn't feel a part of it. I knew I couldn't work on fixing us until I started fixing myself. He wasn't particularly supportive of or interested in my wish to address all those things he was blaming me for. Looking back, though, it seems like when I finally started addressing my own issues, he checked out completely and hooked up with someone else. And now here we are.  But I've played the crazed jilted woman role once in my life. I am *not* going down that road again.[/quote]
Was he Mr. Perfect though? You place a lot of blame on yourself but was he doing any of the work to improve things? It looks like he was just looking for an excuse to cheat and leave anyway and found the perfect opening. Don’t gloss over his role in the breakup of your marriage just because you don’t want a repeat of your first relationship.[/quote]

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