What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Girl.

This guy posts frequently.

He has been told off dozens of times, I’m sure it brings him pleasure somehow that the women that remind him of his ex hate him.

Please stop feeding the trolls, you guys!

My read is he's looking for validation anywhere he can get it, and still so pleased he found a cute younger gf at work. Note: it's possible to have a fantastic work trip to a foreign place without company.

Ironically, his exwife is probably living the better life because she's grey rocked her unsympathetic, disloyal, self-centered baby daddy. If he was 100% sure of his good fortune he wouldn't be complaining about the things he's complaining about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

Wow.

I’m just going to wait for someone else to respond to this but let me grab my popcorn- this is going to be better than election results.

🍿🍿🍿🍿🥤🍿🍿🍿🍿

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

That's a lot of words to say "instead of trying to save my marriage and leaving honestly when I couldn't, I cheated with a younger coworker and now I'm deeply invested in justifying this!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

My grandpa was an executive and researcher who invented a device that saves lives. And he made it to a 75th wedding anniversary. One of the most memorable stories about him was something he did to console my grandma in a time of grief. When we closed down my grandma's house, my sister took a memento of this story as one of the only things she wanted. How's that for a DCUM fairytale?

Your story is recognizable even in summary by people who've never met you and only read one post. That says a lot. You clearly crave approval and social forgiveness for your relationship decisions. The only person who gives that to you is your cool cute gf.

Also sounds like it's the men in your environment who are accepting and the women who are not. What a surprise. It's not projection. Women bear children and usually more of the childrearing work/emotional labor, have more career consequences for being a parent, etc. Few people admire cheaters and a lot of people can spot unprofessional work relationships coming a mile away.

Your examples were in no way helpful to OP. You should worry about how your kids really feel about your actions and how you demonstrate commitment to your family members, not be trying to convince DCUM that you deserved a wife upgrade because you invented something. Stick to your very important research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

Have you been checked for Cluster B personality disorders? Oof.

[Anonymous]

^^^
PP is so self-important it's hard to read his posts. I hoped - and thought - his first post was satire. Nope, just major insecurity and some definite personality issues. His ex is actually fortunate, but his kids not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^
PP is so self-important it's hard to read his posts. I hoped - and thought - his first post was satire. Nope, just major insecurity and some definite personality issues. His ex is actually fortunate, but his kids not so much.

OP here - These posts are hysterical. I hope he continues to post. They're not even good fakes but they make me laugh. I hope no one takes him seriously. I'm betting he's a mid-level long term government employee who is channeling his dissatisfaction with his actual life into these posts.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know.

I'm so sorry we are living parallel lives right now on so many levels except mine will not do counseling and told our kid immediately that we are divorcing so there was no period of "they're separating, let me process that." My kid is also pretty pragmatic about it and just keeps calling the situation "weird but not unexpected." I hope you know that it is easier to assign the villain role to the spouse when the other one decides to have an affair. It's very cowardly behavior. "You gave me no choice." I feel weirdly ok as I said in the post you replied to. I think I did a hell of a lot of reflection in the months leading up to this - in the back of my mind I obviously knew it was coming and I was bracing for it. How are you feeling??? Were you hoping things could work out? My dh made it clear last week that there is no going back. For some reason our kid texted both of us an adorable photo of himself on a hike with a funny caption. I "hearted" the photo, dh did not respond at all. I would not be surprised if he texted dc and said "Don't text both of us again.". WTF with this men-babies??? You can't give your kid a little LOL or Heart when they reach out to both? FFS.

[Anonymous]

Tell him the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know.

I'm so sorry we are living parallel lives right now on so many levels except mine will not do counseling and told our kid immediately that we are divorcing so there was no period of "they're separating, let me process that." My kid is also pretty pragmatic about it and just keeps calling the situation "weird but not unexpected." I hope you know that it is easier to assign the villain role to the spouse when the other one decides to have an affair. It's very cowardly behavior. "You gave me no choice." I feel weirdly ok as I said in the post you replied to. I think I did a hell of a lot of reflection in the months leading up to this - in the back of my mind I obviously knew it was coming and I was bracing for it. How are you feeling??? Were you hoping things could work out? My dh made it clear last week that there is no going back. For some reason our kid texted both of us an adorable photo of himself on a hike with a funny caption. I "hearted" the photo, dh did not respond at all. I would not be surprised if he texted dc and said "Don't text both of us again.". WTF with this men-babies??? You can't give your kid a little LOL or Heart when they reach out to both? FFS.

Great questions and yes, we are definitely in parallel nightmares. I think your son sounds grounded and secure and that says a lot about your parenting. You’re handling this really well. As for me, I’m a problem solver and also pragmatic. I wanted our marriage to work because we’ve been together 28 years and I think that alone, in the absence of abuse, makes it worth trying to save. I also want my kids to take relationships and commitment and responsibility seriously, and this changes the way they see those things. And yes, financially divorce hurts the family. It is naive to think otherwise. More than anything, I’m hurt and furious that he didn’t try. He decided to leave and he did, without valuing our family enough to show a meaningful, mature effort. And of course I’m picking up the pieces and filling in the cracks and enabling his continued relationship with the kids because that’s what we do.

[Anonymous]

I think the spouse leaving and asking for the divorce always blames the other person. When you read posts on here by women leaving their husbands, it is too is always because the other person (he) is the problem. The poster never takes responsibility or says they are the problem - it is always the other person.

I think that’s just the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

Have you been checked for Cluster B personality disorders? Oof.

Sounds like that and an STD panel are just what the Dr. ordered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

Have you been checked for Cluster B personality disorders? Oof.

Hahah woman here in total agreement. This guy is jack screaming “because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty” in his insane narcissistic rage.

Impotence in men comes out in such funny ways betcha exp has a hot young lover likes and no need to ever carry the emotional load for this savior with a deeply rooted inferiority complex.