Do you ever think of how much STUFF you are leaving for your family to deal with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to add that what also annoys me is that all this stuff (china, books, piano, furniture) is HEAVY. I don't think anyone would really complain about some jewelry, I know I wouldn't (how much jewelry can one have anyway). Parents are obviously old and fragile, so they think we are all young and strong. In reality I'm a petite female, 50+, have my own health issues and don't want to do this physically difficult work.

Get some movers, and get some perspective. Or, don’t clean out the house. You can leave it to the bank or state.

I can’t believe how many people are angry at their parents over this, secretly judging them. Everyone expects perfection of people in their relationships, yet nobody is perfect. I can’t imagine going to MILs house and fuming because I’ll have to someday deal with her stuff when I could instead be having a lovely time with her.

[Anonymous]

Our parents estate is taking eighteen months minimum to sort out. In the meantime taking furniture from their house and shipping it to their relatives and children’s houses has cost us 20k of our own money so far. If this event happens while your kids are in college and money is tight to begin with, this can present a serious hardship. We found ourselves in a situation where we could not pay bills until we received our next paycheck. Eight plane trips to parents hoarder house and movers ate up our emergency funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

Is this a joke? We’re in our 50s and will be empty nesters this year. I’m sure my college kids would not be thrilled if I emptied out their bedrooms. What needs to be spelled out is your utter insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am one of the people offended by the talk about what old people have done wrong, and yes - that's exctly it.

I love hearing what people are choosing to do themselves, because they want to do it.

As the kid of silent generation parents, now in their 80s, it makes my blood boil when people talk about people that age, and even younger, as if they are monsters for daring to still be alive.

If you feel offended, it means you yourself are a culprit. Equivalating "daring to be alive" with "We own a house full of stuff and never threw anything away for 50 years!" is sad and pathetic. You can be alive with less stuff, you are not a worse person for it, and if you cannot comprehend this, good luck to your kids. Maybe this thread is a good wake-up call to people like yourself.

DP. Being offended about ageism and being offended by clutter are two very different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

wait we have to do a swedish death cleanse in our 50s now, to satisfy you?

i'm 51 and just finished paying off my student loans five years ago. now you want me to live as if death could be around the corner any minute now?

do what YOU want and get off your ridiculous high horse about how other people have to empty their fridge by next week in case they drop dead and you're forced to deal with their material possessions.

Wow, you are really defensive about your age.

Someday there will be karma for you.

[Anonymous]

In the meantime taking furniture from their house and shipping it to their relatives and children’s houses has cost us 20k of our own money

This makes no sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

Yes, some of the comments on this thread remind me of a conversation with my husband.

Me: We need to clean out the garage.
Him: Okay, I just won't have anything!

Um, no I didn't say we had to get rid of EVERYTHING.

except the people on this thread are speaking as if having more than two sets of cutlery and two plates means you're a selfish boomer.

people who hoard - that's a real problem.

people who've accumulated the normal life's amount of stuff and haven't dealt with it when they get older - it's normal. it sucks and it's normal.

people who clean our their stuff regularly because that's how they like to live and they are also thinking of how this'll be for someone down the road? that's wonderful! do more of that! we also like to purge our stuff because it's nice for US to have a less cluttered house. but we're under no obligation to do so because one day the people who inherit our stuff will have to spend three days cleaning instead of one.

You know, not feeling any obligation at all in regards to what you will leave behind for younger people to deal with after you are gone really does seem to be kind of a generational thing. I don't think it will persist as time goes on.

You know, the insistence that the whole world revolves around you and everyone should be bending over backwards to accommodate you and validate your feelings seems to be a generational thing too. People are entitled to live in their own houses the way they like it.

Sure. And other people get to judge you when you make poor decisions because you can't see anything between the most histrionic extremes. You are in charge of you, and other people get to feel how they do about you. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

Yes, some of the comments on this thread remind me of a conversation with my husband.

Me: We need to clean out the garage.
Him: Okay, I just won't have anything!

Um, no I didn't say we had to get rid of EVERYTHING.

except the people on this thread are speaking as if having more than two sets of cutlery and two plates means you're a selfish boomer.

people who hoard - that's a real problem.

people who've accumulated the normal life's amount of stuff and haven't dealt with it when they get older - it's normal. it sucks and it's normal.

people who clean our their stuff regularly because that's how they like to live and they are also thinking of how this'll be for someone down the road? that's wonderful! do more of that! we also like to purge our stuff because it's nice for US to have a less cluttered house. but we're under no obligation to do so because one day the people who inherit our stuff will have to spend three days cleaning instead of one.

You know, not feeling any obligation at all in regards to what you will leave behind for younger people to deal with after you are gone really does seem to be kind of a generational thing. I don't think it will persist as time goes on.

You know, the insistence that the whole world revolves around you and everyone should be bending over backwards to accommodate you and validate your feelings seems to be a generational thing too. People are entitled to live in their own houses the way they like it.

Sure. And other people get to judge you when you make poor decisions because you can't see anything between the most histrionic extremes. You are in charge of you, and other people get to feel how they do about you. Sorry.

Haha, I am old enough to know that people will judge me no matter what I do, so I am living my life and not giving a fk. One day you’ll get there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the people who get upset are those who also have difficulty disposing of items.

So if their parents don't do the hard sorting job, making sure that items get sent to appropriate caretakers who will love and cherish the cut glass, the real wood furniture, their china that no one wants, all the books... then the children need to do it and they resent it because they can't just throw it all away. They feel they need to respect the objects and find them a good home.

I disagree as well. Even though my parents have some "finer things", the problem for me is that they expect us to do the work they should have done years ago. I'm the youngest and I'm 50+, we all have our own stuff to the brim. And to be honest, if they would have given away some over the past 40-50 years, these things would have been appreciated. Now they aren't. There's just too much and it's all too old. What I'm especially sad about is that my dad has some fantastic books... well, they're too heavy and too far, so... and yes, my childhood piano, that nobody has played on for 30+ years. PSA: give what you can to young ones in their 20-30 age range, once people start their own families and buy their own stuff, they will not want yours.

This is a bizarre take. When I was 30, my mom was 55 and very much enjoying her fancy china ( she still occasionally does). Why would she give it to me then? Yes, that probably means once she is gone it will be donated instead of staying in the family, but so what.

Heh seriously. They should have given it away 50 years ago? When they were - what, 30?

Guys, stuff is going to be a problem. No matter what, it is going to be a problem. It'll be awful. It's not your parents' job to live like monks in order to make it slightly less awful.

Can you really not see any middle ground between "living like monks" and borderline hoarding, to the point where things are mildewing and deteriorating from being buried in stacks but never accessible?

*I* can but the people on this thread don't seem to see the difference. They're complaining about furniture, collectibles, china, everything like that in addition to the papers and sh** that are all in the basement. That is LIFE.

Obviously people who are actual hoarders have a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to add that what also annoys me is that all this stuff (china, books, piano, furniture) is HEAVY. I don't think anyone would really complain about some jewelry, I know I wouldn't (how much jewelry can one have anyway). Parents are obviously old and fragile, so they think we are all young and strong. In reality I'm a petite female, 50+, have my own health issues and don't want to do this physically difficult work.

Dear mom and dad,

If you care about me, please ensure that after you are gone, there is nothing but jewelry left in the house so I could easily pick it up and go. A binder with my trust fund documents would be nice too.

Sincerely,

Your fragile daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our parents estate is taking eighteen months minimum to sort out. In the meantime taking furniture from their house and shipping it to their relatives and children’s houses has cost us 20k of our own money so far. If this event happens while your kids are in college and money is tight to begin with, this can present a serious hardship. We found ourselves in a situation where we could not pay bills until we received our next paycheck. Eight plane trips to parents hoarder house and movers ate up our emergency funds.

18 months? I cleared out a three story house full of 30 years of stuff in two weeks. Brought in the Junk Army to take away the heavy items.

Shipping furniture is completely irrational and you should have flatly refused to do that. Anyone who wants furniture can come and get it, lol. If you’re dumb enough to pay 20k to ship furniture that’s on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

wait we have to do a swedish death cleanse in our 50s now, to satisfy you?

i'm 51 and just finished paying off my student loans five years ago. now you want me to live as if death could be around the corner any minute now?

do what YOU want and get off your ridiculous high horse about how other people have to empty their fridge by next week in case they drop dead and you're forced to deal with their material possessions.

Wow, you are really defensive about your age.

Someday there will be karma for you.

Honey, I won’t be defensive or resentful about my age. Every year is a gift. I’ve had friends die at 39. You think I’m going to be mad at being 51? What a blessing that will hopefully be!

Instead of grumbling and grousing, embrace each stage of life, and face things head on, including death and preparing for death. I’m not saying you need to Swedish Death Clean at 51, but you should be thinking about things/stuff and not being a hyperconsumer as you age. And you shouldn’t be counting on so and so to take all your china, you know the stuff you use exactly twice a year? Start giving things away. Be proactive. Death will come for you, and age will come for you if you’re lucky. There’s no need to cower in fear and stick your head in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to add that what also annoys me is that all this stuff (china, books, piano, furniture) is HEAVY. I don't think anyone would really complain about some jewelry, I know I wouldn't (how much jewelry can one have anyway). Parents are obviously old and fragile, so they think we are all young and strong. In reality I'm a petite female, 50+, have my own health issues and don't want to do this physically difficult work.

Dear mom and dad,

If you care about me, please ensure that after you are gone, there is nothing but jewelry left in the house so I could easily pick it up and go. A binder with my trust fund documents would be nice too.

Sincerely,

Your fragile daughter

Ooooh, that whole strawman thing only works if it's accurate, my friend. When you go all hyperbolic, it really has no impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

Yes, some of the comments on this thread remind me of a conversation with my husband.

Me: We need to clean out the garage.
Him: Okay, I just won't have anything!

Um, no I didn't say we had to get rid of EVERYTHING.

except the people on this thread are speaking as if having more than two sets of cutlery and two plates means you're a selfish boomer.

people who hoard - that's a real problem.

people who've accumulated the normal life's amount of stuff and haven't dealt with it when they get older - it's normal. it sucks and it's normal.

people who clean our their stuff regularly because that's how they like to live and they are also thinking of how this'll be for someone down the road? that's wonderful! do more of that! we also like to purge our stuff because it's nice for US to have a less cluttered house. but we're under no obligation to do so because one day the people who inherit our stuff will have to spend three days cleaning instead of one.

You know, not feeling any obligation at all in regards to what you will leave behind for younger people to deal with after you are gone really does seem to be kind of a generational thing. I don't think it will persist as time goes on.

You know, the insistence that the whole world revolves around you and everyone should be bending over backwards to accommodate you and validate your feelings seems to be a generational thing too. People are entitled to live in their own houses the way they like it.

Sure. And other people get to judge you when you make poor decisions because you can't see anything between the most histrionic extremes. You are in charge of you, and other people get to feel how they do about you. Sorry.

Haha, I am old enough to know that people will judge me no matter what I do, so I am living my life and not giving a fk. One day you’ll get there too.

And yet you're getting pissy all over this thread about what other people are saying and thinking.

Methinks the lady doth protest, and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the people who get upset are those who also have difficulty disposing of items.

So if their parents don't do the hard sorting job, making sure that items get sent to appropriate caretakers who will love and cherish the cut glass, the real wood furniture, their china that no one wants, all the books... then the children need to do it and they resent it because they can't just throw it all away. They feel they need to respect the objects and find them a good home.

I disagree as well. Even though my parents have some "finer things", the problem for me is that they expect us to do the work they should have done years ago. I'm the youngest and I'm 50+, we all have our own stuff to the brim. And to be honest, if they would have given away some over the past 40-50 years, these things would have been appreciated. Now they aren't. There's just too much and it's all too old. What I'm especially sad about is that my dad has some fantastic books... well, they're too heavy and too far, so... and yes, my childhood piano, that nobody has played on for 30+ years. PSA: give what you can to young ones in their 20-30 age range, once people start their own families and buy their own stuff, they will not want yours.

This is a bizarre take. When I was 30, my mom was 55 and very much enjoying her fancy china ( she still occasionally does). Why would she give it to me then? Yes, that probably means once she is gone it will be donated instead of staying in the family, but so what.

Heh seriously. They should have given it away 50 years ago? When they were - what, 30?

Guys, stuff is going to be a problem. No matter what, it is going to be a problem. It'll be awful. It's not your parents' job to live like monks in order to make it slightly less awful.

Can you really not see any middle ground between "living like monks" and borderline hoarding, to the point where things are mildewing and deteriorating from being buried in stacks but never accessible?

*I* can but the people on this thread don't seem to see the difference. They're complaining about furniture, collectibles, china, everything like that in addition to the papers and sh** that are all in the basement. That is LIFE.

Obviously people who are actual hoarders have a different situation.

You ... are excluding hoarding from the discussion but insist on framing others as saying their parents have to live like monks and only leave jewelry behind?

That's not seeing the middle ground. That's hiding behind claiming everyone is misunderstanding you by assuming the extreme, but then doing exactly that to everyone else.