I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I received an (anonymous) email telling me my daughter is a mean girl. That she is gossipy, exclusionary and forces others to ostracize people she does not like. I am pretty sure the email was written by a peer based on the writing style and language.

How would you handle this? I don’t even know if this is real and telling my daughter about it could upset her. I do have not an inclination this is true, though I do know my daughter is popular and gets frustrated that there is an expectation she is everyone’s friend. But it’s also unsettling to get an email like this and the tenor of the email seemed sad and frustrated more than anything else, which makes my worry about the sender and what motivated this.

Sweet baby Jesus. You're the problem here. This is the reason she's a mean girl. "you don't want to upset her".

I’d be upset if I got an anonymous letter with outlandish accusations that included a threat but no substantive facts to support the outlandish accusations. Who wouldn’t be upset?

These are not “outlandish accusations.” This is behavior that can be found in most middle and high schools to some degree or another.

Also, it’s not a criminal indictment. What do you expect this person to do, get video footage of the bullying for you? Just because someone doesn’t have a CSI file on an event doesn’t mean they are lying about it. Most people do not walk around collecting hard evidence of every crappy thing someone does.

There was literally no evidence included. And by evidence I mean a narrative describing what OPs daughter did, when, who, etc. Literally anything to justify the accusations. As far as we know, there is absolutely nothing that resembles a fact for OP to even look into.

So yes, I’d be upset if I got an anonymous email accusing me of being a bully without any explanation of why the accusations were leveled, and including a threat. Who wouldn’t be upset? That is really disturbing.

That email reads like the ranting of an unhinged adult who is too enmeshed with her 17-year-old child. It has vibes like these cases:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/cheer-mom-accused-sending-anonymous-texts-parents-girls-behavior-found-rcna21649

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/bay-area-mom-who-cyberbullied-daughters-dates-gets-3-years-in-federal-prison/

Normal parents don’t do stuff like this, though apparently you and other PPs think this behavior is fine. To be clear, though, it is not remotely fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned for DD’s safety. Someone, whether a 17yo almost adult or quite possibly an actual adult is writing anonymous messages to a near-adult’s mother. That doesn’t sound healthy. Unhealthy people can have unhealthy thoughts and do unhealthy things. Whoever sent that note may be calling out for help but they’re calling to the wrong person the wrong way. Who knows what else that person may get wrong

+1

Can’t believe the appalling parents who do not seem to care at all about the safety of their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I received an (anonymous) email telling me my daughter is a mean girl. That she is gossipy, exclusionary and forces others to ostracize people she does not like. I am pretty sure the email was written by a peer based on the writing style and language.

How would you handle this? I don’t even know if this is real and telling my daughter about it could upset her. I do have not an inclination this is true, though I do know my daughter is popular and gets frustrated that there is an expectation she is everyone’s friend. But it’s also unsettling to get an email like this and the tenor of the email seemed sad and frustrated more than anything else, which makes my worry about the sender and what motivated this.

Sweet baby Jesus. You're the problem here. This is the reason she's a mean girl. "you don't want to upset her".

I’d be upset if I got an anonymous letter with outlandish accusations that included a threat but no substantive facts to support the outlandish accusations. Who wouldn’t be upset?

These are not “outlandish accusations.” This is behavior that can be found in most middle and high schools to some degree or another.

Also, it’s not a criminal indictment. What do you expect this person to do, get video footage of the bullying for you? Just because someone doesn’t have a CSI file on an event doesn’t mean they are lying about it. Most people do not walk around collecting hard evidence of every crappy thing someone does.

There was literally no evidence included. And by evidence I mean a narrative describing what OPs daughter did, when, who, etc. Literally anything to justify the accusations. As far as we know, there is absolutely nothing that resembles a fact for OP to even look into.

So yes, I’d be upset if I got an anonymous email accusing me of being a bully without any explanation of why the accusations were leveled, and including a threat. Who wouldn’t be upset? That is really disturbing.

That email reads like the ranting of an unhinged adult who is too enmeshed with her 17-year-old child. It has vibes like these cases:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/cheer-mom-accused-sending-anonymous-texts-parents-girls-behavior-found-rcna21649

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/bay-area-mom-who-cyberbullied-daughters-dates-gets-3-years-in-federal-prison/

Normal parents don’t do stuff like this, though apparently you and other PPs think this behavior is fine. To be clear, though, it is not remotely fine.

Normal parents of normal kids don’t get anonymous emails alleging bullying occurred.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does track that DCUM is filled with posters who make a habit of sending anonymous emails and who are unhappy to learn that normal people view anonymous emails as creepy and threatening.

Amusing. Good point

Yeah, I think we have found the people who eventually become the crazy cheer moms who get convicted of harassing kids. Definitely tracks.

[Anonymous]

How do you send an anonymous email? Did they block the sender address somehow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I received an (anonymous) email telling me my daughter is a mean girl. That she is gossipy, exclusionary and forces others to ostracize people she does not like. I am pretty sure the email was written by a peer based on the writing style and language.

How would you handle this? I don’t even know if this is real and telling my daughter about it could upset her. I do have not an inclination this is true, though I do know my daughter is popular and gets frustrated that there is an expectation she is everyone’s friend. But it’s also unsettling to get an email like this and the tenor of the email seemed sad and frustrated more than anything else, which makes my worry about the sender and what motivated this.

Sweet baby Jesus. You're the problem here. This is the reason she's a mean girl. "you don't want to upset her".

I’d be upset if I got an anonymous letter with outlandish accusations that included a threat but no substantive facts to support the outlandish accusations. Who wouldn’t be upset?

These are not “outlandish accusations.” This is behavior that can be found in most middle and high schools to some degree or another.

Also, it’s not a criminal indictment. What do you expect this person to do, get video footage of the bullying for you? Just because someone doesn’t have a CSI file on an event doesn’t mean they are lying about it. Most people do not walk around collecting hard evidence of every crappy thing someone does.

There was literally no evidence included. And by evidence I mean a narrative describing what OPs daughter did, when, who, etc. Literally anything to justify the accusations. As far as we know, there is absolutely nothing that resembles a fact for OP to even look into.

So yes, I’d be upset if I got an anonymous email accusing me of being a bully without any explanation of why the accusations were leveled, and including a threat. Who wouldn’t be upset? That is really disturbing.

That email reads like the ranting of an unhinged adult who is too enmeshed with her 17-year-old child. It has vibes like these cases:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/cheer-mom-accused-sending-anonymous-texts-parents-girls-behavior-found-rcna21649

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/bay-area-mom-who-cyberbullied-daughters-dates-gets-3-years-in-federal-prison/

Normal parents don’t do stuff like this, though apparently you and other PPs think this behavior is fine. To be clear, though, it is not remotely fine.

Normal parents of normal kids don’t get anonymous emails alleging bullying occurred.

Lol. Trust DCUM to defend the crazy moms who are going to jail for sending anonymous emails and texts, and to blame the child victims of those anonymous emails and texts.

OP, I think this PP shows who the people who think you should believe the email are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

If I got this kind of an email, I would really err on the side of thinking it's true. Maybe that's wrong, but I would. What kid is going to go to those lengths to reach out to you with no good reason? How does a kid that age even get your email? They don't operate in the world of emails.

I would just be very transparent with my daughter and let her read it. And process it together and see what she says. Not in a...you're in trouble way...but let's talk way. If it's real, she should know and if someone would go to these lengths to send something untrue about her, she should also know and might have an idea who it is and then would interact with that person differently.

+1.

[Anonymous]

DCUM: Your daughter is a horrible bully and mean girl, OP, and you are a horrible mother.

Also DCUM: Those moms convicted of harassing kids are actually the victims and those kids deserved the harassment they got from those poor misunderstood moms.

[Anonymous]

Too funny. My kids were at a pumpkin patch (my teen with teens and 7 yo with her friends) and this Mom or Grandma and her crew came up to me and told me my little child was a bully and a mean girl. I was dumbfounded and shocked by someone having the audacity to come to me about my child. I asked my teen after they placed blame on my younger child to tell me what she saw and my teen said nothing. That was the first time I ever looked at my child as something besides an angel and occasional sassy pants. I later watched her as she and her crew shoved their way to the front of lines, kicked other girls off the rides so all of my my child's friends could get on with her and watched her sass another group of kids because my child said they got there first and it was their turn on this zipline thingy. It was an eye-opener. I felt bad but I sat my child down in time out, embarrassed her a little and told her that she was behaving badly and I did not like it. She no longer did that again with me but from time to time, I hear about it at school. She is just a strong queen bee type of girl who attracts a lot of friends or kids who like to be around her. I cannot be with her daily so it is what it is. You will have to kind of take this stance and ask her to make decisions on how she wants to be perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

I admire your levelheaded approach and evident concern. I also don’t find the email threatening but agree that no answer is warranted. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I received an (anonymous) email telling me my daughter is a mean girl. That she is gossipy, exclusionary and forces others to ostracize people she does not like. I am pretty sure the email was written by a peer based on the writing style and language.

How would you handle this? I don’t even know if this is real and telling my daughter about it could upset her. I do have not an inclination this is true, though I do know my daughter is popular and gets frustrated that there is an expectation she is everyone’s friend. But it’s also unsettling to get an email like this and the tenor of the email seemed sad and frustrated more than anything else, which makes my worry about the sender and what motivated this.

Sweet baby Jesus. You're the problem here. This is the reason she's a mean girl. "you don't want to upset her".

I’d be upset if I got an anonymous letter with outlandish accusations that included a threat but no substantive facts to support the outlandish accusations. Who wouldn’t be upset?

These are not “outlandish accusations.” This is behavior that can be found in most middle and high schools to some degree or another.

Also, it’s not a criminal indictment. What do you expect this person to do, get video footage of the bullying for you? Just because someone doesn’t have a CSI file on an event doesn’t mean they are lying about it. Most people do not walk around collecting hard evidence of every crappy thing someone does.

There was literally no evidence included. And by evidence I mean a narrative describing what OPs daughter did, when, who, etc. Literally anything to justify the accusations. As far as we know, there is absolutely nothing that resembles a fact for OP to even look into.

So yes, I’d be upset if I got an anonymous email accusing me of being a bully without any explanation of why the accusations were leveled, and including a threat. Who wouldn’t be upset? That is really disturbing.

That email reads like the ranting of an unhinged adult who is too enmeshed with her 17-year-old child. It has vibes like these cases:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/cheer-mom-accused-sending-anonymous-texts-parents-girls-behavior-found-rcna21649

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/bay-area-mom-who-cyberbullied-daughters-dates-gets-3-years-in-federal-prison/

Normal parents don’t do stuff like this, though apparently you and other PPs think this behavior is fine. To be clear, though, it is not remotely fine.

Normal parents of normal kids don’t get anonymous emails alleging bullying occurred.

They might from an emotionally disturbed kid focused on their daughter. Or a jealous mean girl stirring up trouble.

[Anonymous]

OP, you mention that your daughter is popular and frustrated that everyone expects her to be their friend. That to me is a red flag that she is engaging in mean girl behavior. It would put me on alert.

There are kids who are popular and kids who are well-liked, and these are two very different things. In my experience with teens, the kids who are "popular" are usually the ones who are exclusionary so that less alpha kids are always vying to be included in their social circle. The popular kids also tend to decide who is in and who is out of that circle on any given day or week. This is how they wield their power over everyone else.

I'm willing to bet that if you did look into her texts you would find evidence of mean behavior, though I'm not suggesting that you actually do this. I'm also guessing the frustrated email you got was a victim at the end of her wits. This kind of stuff really hurts the excluded or taunted kids. Without accusing her of doing anything wrong, it would probably be a good idea to talk to her about how to be kind and inclusive, and to be more involved with her, unless you don't care that your daughter may be a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

I admire your levelheaded approach and evident concern. I also don’t find the email threatening but agree that no answer is warranted. Good luck, OP.

+1/ Youre probably being catfished because a teenager would NEVER email another kids parent. This has probably been sent by an insecure parent, or youre being catfished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned for DD’s safety. Someone, whether a 17yo almost adult or quite possibly an actual adult is writing anonymous messages to a near-adult’s mother. That doesn’t sound healthy. Unhealthy people can have unhealthy thoughts and do unhealthy things. Whoever sent that note may be calling out for help but they’re calling to the wrong person the wrong way. Who knows what else that person may get wrong

+1

Can’t believe the appalling parents who do not seem to care at all about the safety of their children.

What a ridiculous pair of posts. Dramatic much?