Reply to I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario. 
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school). 
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).[/quote]

OP, this sounds like a good way to handle. Appreciate how rational you are being, and not jumping to conclusions either way.

I agree with you on the age thing. I’ve seen grown women engage in worse mean girl behavior than I ever encountered as a teen. The gossiping/rumor mongering among some adult women is way worse, because the stakes are higher. I’ve heard women spread rumors about marital fidelity (“oh everyone knows her husband cheats”), job performance (“I heard she’s on thin ice at work”), and mental health (“she sees a therapist— she’s always been a little off”) — things that can harm not only other women but entire families. I’ve also seen aggressive exclusionary behavior in adults, things like inviting the entire street to a party except one family for some reason, or posting a million photos of a friend reunion on social media specifically because they know that one woman who isn’t included anymore will see and feel bad.

Point is, the idea that the behavior ends in middle school or just ceases to matter is not true. If it goes unchecked, my observation is that it escalates. At least in tweens and teens, the victims of mean girl behavior have the opportunity to move on and get a fresh start in college or adulthood. That’s not true when this behavior occurs among middle aged women. Better to address it now.[/quote]

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