How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs, whatever they may be, meet elsewhere

But that's not a marriage!
if you get your sexual needs met elsewhere, that's an affair. Does your ASD husband also have an affair? And if so, why do you stay together? What's the point?

Everyone needs independence, but a marriage is interdependent, not two people living separate lives under the same roof.

Has anyone made a marriage to an aspie work? And if so, how? I mean how do you get them to connect with you emotionally? Does this ever happen?

Your first problem is that you don't understand that different people can have different marriages. You have this expectation of marriage that isn't your reality and will never be and that makes you sad.

I connect with ASD DH emotionally but it's a very different emotional connection than with my best friend. I'm not having an affair because DH wants me to step out and leave him alone. DH doesn't step out bc he doesn't have that need. Like at all. Not even with me, which leaves me open to see others.

This is not a marriage by any definition I know of. Yes all marriages are different, but they share some things in common, and one is almost always (in happy marriages) a mutually supportive emotional connection. This sounds like you are two people existing in the same space, with a slight emotional connection, like that of a friend, but it does not sound to me like a true marriage. It's not what I want, that's for sure. I want my husband to connect with me emotionally. He wants to, but he can't figure out how. It's like emotional connection is a language he doesn't understand no matter how hard he tries. It's sad for both of us. But I'm the one who feels worse because I feel so lonely. He doesn't feel lonely. He has me around, and that's about all he wants. A companion, not an equal partner. I want a partner, and in 25 years of marriage, I have not gotten that. He co-parents well, but that's not enough for me.
No one has described on this thread what I consider a happy marriage to a DH with HFA. I wonder if they exist at all.
I'm thinking of trying Grace Myhill -- has it worked for anyone?

Thank you for the opportunity to prove my marriage to you, anonymous intent stranger. Next time I will marriage harder and do it better according to your standards

Not sure what you read but all she said was that’s not her definition or want for a marriage.
And then she explained how lonely she feels with no true emotional support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long so I might be repeating what someone else has said but my DH who definitely has very strong Aspergers traits told me this

"You are responsible for your own happiness" and he is right, don't make it someone else's job or blame them for your misery.

Lower your expectations. He's not a woman he's not going to "share" if you want that, truly, you should be in a same sex relationship.

Exactly. Go find happiness with someone who can offer happiness. Not nothingness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

If you’ve ever met a narcissist or borderline, you know their interpretation of facts is a bit elastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

Hey at least I’m not posting that stem cells cure autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

Grow up and get divorced if you are unhappy. Stop trying to attribute everything to a diagnosis. This isn’t some riddle to crack about autism. Every single second you fixate on his autism is another second you are failing to take responsibility for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

OP have you had a full neuropsych eval? I think you might be a good candidate for professional help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

OP have you had a full neuropsych eval? I think you might be a good candidate for professional help

No she’s an empath and suffering from Cassandra Syndrome. Plus she can’t give up on her vision of a loving, involved husband who can take care of things. Unfortunately when life got busier than two single people working, he could not adapt. oP needs to grieve. This marriage will never be that. Then she needs to think objectively.
She can’t keep walking in the insane asylum and arguing with the person who thinks he’s Ghandi or Jesus. She needs to detach, ignore, nod, and do everything. Live for the kids or yourself.

Perhaps seeing a few divorce lawyers would also provide info on how coparenting or living separately could look like? Or plan an exit for once the kids are in college.

But for sure: Detach, Get social with friends and activities, Expand your orbits socially, Keep working to save your sanity; and Do what’s best for your kids. Try to get weekly housecleaning or housekeeper or Nannie’s and sitters to take a load off.

After she does that she can try to see if he mirrors her. She can act happy for two weeks. Just fake it. Talk about exciting things, plan some things, praise everyone, etc. (and continue to do all the work of course). But see if HE mirrors HER and he feels calmer and safer to try to cook a meal, or plan something fun, or be in charge of more things.
There will be more ups and downs in this type of relationship. But he won’t go anywhere, but he may take your cues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

OP have you had a full neuropsych eval? I think you might be a good candidate for professional help

Lame deflection. I bet that is your Go-To line when someone disagrees with you or voices a concern. Nasty.

[Anonymous]

Plus she can’t give up on her vision of a loving, involved husband who can take care of things.

But people tell her it won't happen and that he can still be a good person she can respect and get on with her life but she has to adjust her expectations and she's in denial. Till she gets to that realization I don't think she can really get the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plus she can’t give up on her vision of a loving, involved husband who can take care of things.

But people tell her it won't happen and that he can still be a good person she can respect and get on with her life but she has to adjust her expectations and she's in denial. Till she gets to that realization I don't think she can really get the help she needs.

It’s realizing two things:
1) she has no support and never will
2) she will have to do everything and hand out easy tasks once in awhile to him, and hope for the best.

#1 will never be “acceptable”, but she will need to accept it as true. He has an invisible disability.

#2 is just how to function and have one’s mindset. Dont expect help, don’t expect it to be done right, don’t expect a discussion. Don’t expect that normal stuff in order to not get disappointed time and again.

As for “being a good person” and “respectable”…. I would go there and twist myself into a pretzel pretending. Maybe he’s doing his best which what he’s got, maybe not. If she has kids she needs to focus on them and friends. Therapy for all at the right time.

Dont accommodate dysfunction. That’s not healthy.
Minimize - by cutting it out entirely, and stay sane.

[Anonymous]

* I wouldn’t go there