Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Shift gears, OP.  You have to look out for yourself and your kids.  I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless.  In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself.  You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that.  Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily.  You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now.  It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad.  When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car.  I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police.  The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician.  No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy.  Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family.  They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed.  I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually.  He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease.  Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag.  Just be.  Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated".  End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time.  Do not make another human their adult mother.  Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

[/quote]

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist. 
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband. 
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing. 
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family. 
[/quote]

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe,  secure place to relax and not be on guard.[/quote]
And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.[/quote]

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs,  whatever they may be,  [b]meet elsewhere[/b][/quote]

But that's not a marriage!
if you get your sexual needs met elsewhere, that's an affair. Does your ASD husband also have an affair? And if so, why do you stay together? What's the point?

Everyone needs independence, but a marriage is interdependent, not two people living separate lives under the same roof.

Has anyone made a marriage to an aspie work? And if so, how? I mean how do you get them to connect with you emotionally? Does this ever happen? [/quote]

Your first problem is that you don't understand that different people can have different marriages. You have this expectation of marriage that isn't your reality and will never be and that makes you sad.

I connect with ASD DH emotionally but it's a very different emotional connection than with my best friend. I'm not having an affair because DH wants me to step out and leave him alone. DH doesn't step out bc he doesn't have that need. Like at all.  Not even with me,  which leaves me open to see others. [/quote]

This is not a marriage by any definition I know of. Yes all marriages are different, but they share some things in common, and one is almost always (in happy marriages) a mutually supportive emotional connection. This sounds like you are two people existing in the same space, with a slight emotional connection, like that of a friend, but it does not sound to me like a true marriage. It's not what I want, that's for sure. I want my husband to connect with me emotionally. He wants to, but he can't figure out how. It's like emotional connection is a language he doesn't understand no matter how hard he tries. It's sad for both of us. But I'm the one who feels worse because I feel so lonely. He doesn't feel lonely. He has me around, and that's about all he wants. A companion, not an equal partner. I want a partner, and in 25 years of marriage, I have not gotten that. He co-parents well, but that's not enough for me.
No one has described on this thread what I consider a happy marriage to a DH with HFA. I wonder if they exist at all. 
I'm thinking of trying Grace Myhill -- has it worked for anyone? [/quote]

Thank you for the opportunity to prove my marriage to you, anonymous  intent stranger. Next time I will marriage harder and do it better according to your standards [/quote]

Not sure what you read but all she said was that’s not her definition or want for a marriage. 
And then she explained how lonely she feels with no true emotional support. [/quote]

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